Fall Back @ MindSay

I have returned from Camp, just a bit more rugged and manlier than I was before.

I went to this awesome COPE (Challenging Outdoor Personal Experience) program and I got to overcome my fear of heights.
I had fun in it, and I hope I'm better because of it. Whenever I was scared, I just remembered I was on a rope, and the people holding it wouldn't let me fall.

So whatever you do in life, always secure your belaying rope so you won't fall so hard.

Cheers guys!

So today I was sooooooooooooooo bored. It consisted of getting up at 9 since we had no school, eating breakfast, taking a shower and getting dressed, going to pick up pictures at Walmart for my mom, driving home, folding a load of laundry, and doing nothing else all day. What fun? Ugh.

 

I thought a lot about things though. Maybe good. Maybe not.

 

I have a job interview tomorrow at Panera Bread. I'm kind of excited, and kind of nervous. I really hope I get this job!!!! Me + job = happy. money. hanging out with friends. etc. Call me stupid--but I want a job really bad. I don't care if it sucks, or if I like it and then hate it after a while--I WANT a job!! ((And Terry, if you're listening--help me out tomorrow!))

 

Tomorrow is the day Terry died three years ago. I'm not looking forward to it...because I'm just scared of how it'll go. I'm sure I'll cry myself to sleep and think about her all the day....and maybe be kind of distant. I don't want to be, I don't wanna cry myself to sleep...and I sure don't wanna be sad. It's inevitable to happen, and there's not really anything I can do to stop it. I miss you Terry....I love you!

 

I really want to go to Charles City, Iowa with Trivia...if we can find a way down there, that is. I would get to see Alan, Taylor, and Lee once again (for the first time in more than a year). I want to do that...but then again I don't. I know if I would go down there--I would fall back for Alan. Ugh. I don't want that though! I think it would be fun to see them in person now.....after a while. It would be hard not to fall for Alan again though....I already do once and a while. He's always on my mind..no particular reason, and other times I hate him for it. Ugh. At times, when I don't talk to him much for a while, I'm alright....but then there are those times (like tonight), when I talk to him for a little while and can actually carry on a conversation, where I get butterflies, and smile a lot, and then I fall into lust with him again.....it only lasts a few days though. It's like I can let go of him for a long time, and it only takes one time of talking to him (really talking), to make me fall back for him a little. It's not as much as I used to like him, but it's so much that I don't want to slip back into it. I hate it. I don't wanna go back to that time...I was so sad most of the time and I wanted him back so bad it hurt. Sometimes I still wish I could turn back time to the day I wrote him that stupid e-mail saying I wanted to end it........I regret it soo much, and I still wonder what would've been........ It would've only taken me one second to take it all back, but I pressed "Send" and it was all over with. I regret it sooooooooo much. What the hell was going through my head?!?!? I didn't wanna do it...but I didn't like the distance--even though we talked on the phone instead to make up for it. RGGGGGGGG I'm making myself mad, wondering what exactly brought me to do it?! I don't know. I'm done.

 

Well, I'm done for now. Good night all.

 

<3 Nicole

 

 

 

 

Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved a boy. She watched him grow up into a man but he was always to the outside of her world. He never saw her. I could love with the boy. I could fall in love with the man. I could fall in love with the future. Hearing, Sarah talk about her big brother just made me fall in love with him even more. I don’t use the word lightly in this context. I mean it was absolutely electric when he hugged me. His smile just lights something up in my heart. This is who I am. I could easily want him forever. I won’t stand down from my point of view that I love him. I’ll file away each moment. I will always cherish those memories. I’m weird. Dinah, I don’t think it is a phase. Dinah, I’ll be here for three more years. He’ll be here for at least two. I can bide my time. I really don’t mind seeing him with other girls or not even seeing him with me. I just know that God has a path for me and well, I believe that he is a part of that. I don’t understand why people have such a hard time with waiting—Waiting for their future, waiting for experiences. I can wait for alcohol. I can wait for sex. However, I know that given the right persuasion, I’ll go from that patience. If I truly loved him enough, I think I would do both. What is my theme song right now? What is the soundtrack to my life, the college chapter? To the moon & back Affirmation I knew I loved you Turn turn turn Radio player Pieces Dizzy Iris Santa Fe Elephant Love medley Come what may Your song Shall we dance? They can’t that away from me Someone to watch over me Are we the waiting Black box recorder Dream on I don’t want to miss a thing Who wants to live forever? Princes of the universe Show must go on Sound of silence Unchained melody Beautiful You raise me up Confession What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? The same middle name. Overheard at the airport from a kid. These two guys were college students. I knew that they were Creighton students. I just knew it. Maybe graduate students or pre-professional. But they were from Creighton. I also somehow knew that they would be the ones to sit next to me. Unexplainable but I knew it. Guess what they were the ones who sat next to me. Were they that nice? Nope. Nope Nope. Maybe I’ll tell you later about the nice fun experience of a water bottle spilling in my back pack. I Need to go check in now. Laterz. I was the second person on the airplane and I still had to ask someone to move so I could get to my seat. That was on my short flight home. It was a small “vomit comet” as Laura termed it. Personal Space This is the first thanksgiving that I haven’t seen Bryan in many years at least five years. I don’t know how I feel. Before I left for thanksgiving, I was talking about Bryan a bunch. Thanksgiving and Bryan are almost synonymous in my hormone driven mind. My junior year, he came back from boot camp in November. My senior year, well… that is when we found out he would be going to Iraq. It was sort of a farewell party. And then this year. This year is the first time. Because he is in Iraq again. I pray for him. I want to see him again. I really really really do. He might get done in March or April and then he’s out. I hope I get to see him when he gets done. I just want to see him. It’s not like I’d fall madly in love with him. (again). I’ve truly moved on. I just think about him and pray for him. What is thanksgiving break without him? Who are you thankful for? What are you thankful for? It is never goodbye. It is always So Long. So Long until we meet again. Fare well until next time. Even though he is doing a dangerous job and etc. etc., he will survive. He will survive. He may be calmer. He may be happier. His humor will be different. He’ll always be sarcastic. I just wish I could talk to him. I fear that when he does come back, I won’t know. That people would just forget to tell me. I may not have been as close to him as my big brothers but he was my friend to. I may have gotten to know him just because of my brother but I still got to know him on my own. Even though Thanksgiving was a couple of days ago, I’ll say what I am thankful for. I am thankful for my family, for my friends, for my opportunities, for school, for life, for people. Bryan, I am thankful for you. You taught me so much. Much more than you could ever imagine. Thank you. The chronic one hasn’t been able to connect to the internet. She hasn’t even really opened her computer. These are just ramblings that she has started at different stages. She’s back and running. Her ear is plugged but it will get better. Mass tonight! She got a ride home with Lauren. She thought she was going to take a taxi but she recognized several people and ended up with a ride. She was going to ask Uncle Tony if Lauren didn’t want to. Tashey would have gone up to him and said, “Tony, we’ve met once. I’m one of Sean and Elizabeth’s mentees.” Good thing I didn’t ask him for a ride. He got one with Ben. Um… Awkward. No… not awkward—Awk-Ward. That is better. And so I am back. And I smell. I’m not showering yet though… I’ll just change my shirt. Lol. Ah I feel better. Time to post these ramblings.

Let Her Cry

She sits alone by a lamppost Trying to find a thought that's escaped her mind. She says dad's the one I love the most But Stipe's not far behind. She never lets me in Only tells me where she's been When she's had too much to drink I say that I don't care I just run my hands through her dark hair Then I pray to God you gotta Help me fly away And just let her cry If the tears fall down like rain Let her sing If it eases all her pain Let her go Let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow Let her be Let her be This morning I woke up alone Found a note standing by the phone Saying baby, maybe I'll be back someday I wanted to look for you You walked in I didn't know just what I should do So I sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry for myself Saying let her cry If the tears fall down like rain Let her sing If it eases all her pain Let her go Let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow Let her be Let her be Let her cry If the tears fall down like rain Let her sing If it eases all her pain Let her go Let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow Let her be Oh... Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I could not believe She was the same girl I fell in love with long ago She went in the back to get high I sat down on my couch and cried yellin' Oh momma, please help me Won't you hold my hand and... Let her cry If the tears fall down like rain Let her sing If it eases all her pain Let her go Let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow Let her be Let her cry If the tears fall down like rain Let her sing If it eases all her pain Let her go Let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow Let her be Oh, let her be.

Hey guys! I'm not gonna update right now but I thought I'd leave you with this:

"Fall To Pieces"

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through

Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

[Chorus:]
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms

[Chorus]

Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means

Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything

[Chorus without last line]

[Chorus]

I'm in love with you
Cuz i'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you