Fail @ MindSay

Well, I have to say, my mood is pretty somber.

 

I am feeling like an epic fail in life. Seems nice guys finish last, seems I am bound to a life of solitude. I am losing all will to fight, all will to continue down this long road of life.

 

I am a lucky person, I keep getting breaks in life, and the problem is I always, 100%, screw things up. I am my own worse enemy, I am a major epic fail.

 

I hurt inside so bad, it feels at times, sort of inspirational, sometimes it makes me feel alive, makes me able to think about things in a different light. Then it gets worse, and worse and worse, to the point I am just feeling totally insane.

 

Like, what is holding me together at this point? I have no idea. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen, I feel like it is just a matter of time before I slip over the edge, into insanity.

 

Point it, I am feeling so alone right now, and there isn’t a person in the world that cares.

How did I forget that tangerines have seeds?

 

I don't normally eat citrus fruit straight. I usually like to have them in things; mandarin chicken salad, for instance. Those little slices of mandarin oranges make the salad. Don't ask me why... it's just one of my weird little quirks.

 

That being said, I was shopping at Trader Joe's over the weekend and there they were in one of the produce carts: teeny, tiny tangerines smiling up at me in their red, netted bag, all orange and cute. "Pick us!" they seemed to cheer. "We'll make you love citrus fruits again. Take a chance on us!"

 

I stood there to contemplate for a moment, remembering the tart tang of an orange, which was sometimes enough to make my face screw up in a grimace. And these things looked suspiciously like mini-oranges. "But," I thought, "they're so small. How bad could they be?" So I grabbed a bag and tossed them in my basket.

 

Cut to today, and me practically choking on a seed. After spending a few minutes peeling the thing, sectioning off the slices, and popping each piece into my mouth one by one, and savoring the juicy sweetness, thinking "Wow, maybe I should give eating citrus fruits another try" ... I crunch down on a seed.

 

And now I'm spending as much time on digging out the seeds and trying not to get tangerine juice all over my hands and clothes as I did on peeling the whole thing.

 

Screw you and your stupid hard-ass seeds, tangerines. I'll stick to my seedless oranges in salads.

 

 

iFeel:  hurt

iTunes: crunch

 

 

It's quite impressive...

That talking to Knuter when I'm frustrated has the effect of a)him telling me what I had already concluded, which for some reason doesn't work as well as before (perhaps his endorsements are losing their power), b)taking away my frustration with my situation, because c)I'm now frustrated with him.

Really, why does it seem that every conversation with him either leaves me in a really good mood, or wanting to be out of the country so that I don't have to deal with him? It's not that he's doing anything wrong. It does have the effect of illustrating what I'm screwing up, because it's not his nature to discuss his own issues (this is the single problem with dating guys who have their act together - when you're not getting along, you feel like you're in competition, and you're always losing).

It's quite impressive...

That finding out that one of my instructors has 'strongly recommended' that I drop her class...tends to make me freak out and question whether I should be in college at all. I'm taking five classes right now. One of them is hers, three of them are going splendidly, and one's rather middling. But all I can focus on is this one that I've failed in.

My mom's pushing, again, for me to join the military, preferably the Navy. Sometimes I just get stubborn over this because they were so against me enlisting when I wanted to. They're the ones who talked me out of it then.

Best case scenario would have been if I'd gone away to school from the start. Or so I think, now. Mom and I have both concluded that this business of still being at home, coming home from school every night, coming home from work every night, combined with my approach to the world at large and studies in specific, was a bad idea. However. Spilt milk and all that.

I do keep wanting to disappear. Just hang out on the West Coast for awhile. Start all over. Move in where nobody knows me, and I'm in a totally new place. Establish my apartment, establish my job, start school in Seattle. Head down to Texas for a year, or maybe back to the Cities. Just long enough to get rained on.

I don't know why, but I need it to rain. I need everything washed away, and I need the anonymity of everyone in their bright-colored raincoats. I need the visibility to be limited, and the colors here to be brightened...wherever 'here' is. I need to walk with my head bare and my hair soaked, thinking with my hands in my pockets, just letting the thoughts go. I need it to rain, and rain, and rain.

Unfortunately, I live in MN, so, in light of recent circumstances, that wouldn't be taken well. That, and we're already into the frost.

Not everything is fine in NOVA land. I do like my job... the staff, teachers and students are all great! I actually like going to work and doing my job. I feel like for the first time ever I am being a responsible adult. But of course that can't last. I'm not supposed to have a full time job! That's silly!

The trouble actually started last month when every NOVA teacher was paid five hours late. That might not seem like a lot, but it's actually a pretty big deal, especially for a Japanese company. Now this month they were five DAYS late with their payments, and some people still haven't been paid. Many teachers have talked about going to work in street clothes or not teaching lessons (just talking with students... in Japanese if they can) as a form of protest to this kind of treatment. Others, including my roommates, are already making plans to get new jobs, go home or just use the money they have to trek across Japan. Even if NOVA pulls out of the current nose dive the current teachers don't like the prospect of working for a company that did this kind of thing to them. After all, it shows how they really treat their employees and deal with crisis.

But that's not the worst of it. I was tapped by a teacher who has been here for a while to go to our apartments office and translate. She told me to ask when the last time NOVA paid the apartments rent was. A flurry of phone calls went out and the answer came, "Not in two months". I was then assured that a payment was received yesterday for one months deposit. My Japanese isn't the greatest so I'm not sure if he meant a full months rent was paid or just the deposit was made. Either way it only covered one month so we are behind on our rent through no fault of our own.

This might be a good thing though. My fiance is coming in about one week and she will start attending school in Kyoto. Hopefully we can just get an apartment together and I can get a job with AEON or some public or private schools, or maybe I can just tutor and take some classes. I need to work so I can start paying off student loans, but going to class again would be a very good thing. My Japanese has improved and my self study has become more frequent. If I don't have to speak English full time anymore I can probably get fluent pretty quickly. That would be good.

Worse case scenario would be that my fiance does not come for some reason, NOVA fails completely and I go home. It's not the most ideal situation but it would be workable. Best case is that I move into an apartment with my fiance, get a part time job tutoring and continue my study until my visa expires. We'll have to see. In about three weeks I will truly know the score and might be much happier or very worried. I'll try to keep updating whenever possible. wish me luck!

-Maru!

My lecturers have yet to give me my supplementary exam results! Before, I was okay, but now I'm getting worried.

 

Don't they know how important it is that I know by next week before meeting with the IT School? It could mean the difference between keeping my place in Uni, or sinking in quick sand, other words, being kicked out.

 

Sure, I can make a case about why I did so badly this semester, that will most likely keep my place but honestly I'd like to avoid sop stories.

 

Just give me my exam results already! Please? I've called and emailed and pestered, I waited before doing that, but now I just want to know, pass or fail? Heads or tails? It's not that hard to correct one exam. Considering not many people failed in my classes.

 

If I pass, I'll be more eager to put up with the heads of IT faculty.