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[Blog #275] --- Depressed --- [Wednesday] - Problem Child
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I fucking hate one-to-one tutorials.
I was already depressed, and all the things I dicussed with Sarah today didn't help my mood at all.
For a start, she thinks I'm eligible for a university scholarship. We're unsure on the exact amount of UCAS points needed, because two websites say two different things. Either way, I won't meet either of the requirements, because I'm a failure.
That and the fact I don't even plan to go to the university open day next Wednesday that I've signed up for. For one, I'm not totally sure on where I'm supposed to go. I'm useless like that. I'm also too nervous, so I'd fuck it up anyway. So I'm not going to go. But, if I don't - I'll have to go to my lessons, indeed, risk being asked why I'm not there - namely by Sarah - and what am I supposed to say? And how do I expect to get anywhere if I don't go to these open days. Sigh.
Oh, and she's asked Dianne to take me on again for more sessions.
I feel like I'm abusing the system. Dianne is only supposed to see students for 8 weeks. Last year, she saw me for 20. And here I am the next year wanting/needing to go back? She helped a tiny bit, but how much am I actually expecting?
One-to-one tutorials are meant to only be 15 minutes - but because I'm such a shaking mass of issues and problems, Sarah was lumbered with me for 50.
Sigh.
And tonight when I got home, I did that what I haven't for so long. It felt so good too. It bled a lot. I've cut a lot of them - oddly enough, my right arm is worse than my left one, which makes no sense, me being right-handed and all.
Dixie currently feels:
Depressed
Depressed -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blog #275
Problem Child
Problem Child
I fucking hate one-to-one tutorials.
I was already depressed, and all the things I dicussed with Sarah today didn't help my mood at all.
For a start, she thinks I'm eligible for a university scholarship. We're unsure on the exact amount of UCAS points needed, because two websites say two different things. Either way, I won't meet either of the requirements, because I'm a failure.
That and the fact I don't even plan to go to the university open day next Wednesday that I've signed up for. For one, I'm not totally sure on where I'm supposed to go. I'm useless like that. I'm also too nervous, so I'd fuck it up anyway. So I'm not going to go. But, if I don't - I'll have to go to my lessons, indeed, risk being asked why I'm not there - namely by Sarah - and what am I supposed to say? And how do I expect to get anywhere if I don't go to these open days. Sigh.
Oh, and she's asked Dianne to take me on again for more sessions.
I feel like I'm abusing the system. Dianne is only supposed to see students for 8 weeks. Last year, she saw me for 20. And here I am the next year wanting/needing to go back? She helped a tiny bit, but how much am I actually expecting?
One-to-one tutorials are meant to only be 15 minutes - but because I'm such a shaking mass of issues and problems, Sarah was lumbered with me for 50.
Sigh.
And tonight when I got home, I did that what I haven't for so long. It felt so good too. It bled a lot. I've cut a lot of them - oddly enough, my right arm is worse than my left one, which makes no sense, me being right-handed and all.
this day sucks too
Ok I have 2 classes today, but I woke up with such a headache, a continuation from last night no doubt. If I ever had a hangover, I am guessing this is what it feels like. I am going back to sleep and ditch my classes (that 2 hours of commuting is just gonna kill me further) and hopefully it'll begone and I'll read extra and memorize more for next classes. Make up lecture time with study hard time. Life sucks anyways. edit: omg omg, plan fails. There is construction on the balconies and they are jackhammering away, at least it sounds like. Headache intensifying, too rainy for a walk. I'll make myself some turkish coffee once I decide to get out of my pjs and room. And bleh I still have 500$ left to pay for next semester. omg, this is more than 2 weeks of part time work worth. FUCK THIS BLEH. The inglourious basterds movie me and my friend have seen yesterday eve? Mixed feelings all over. To tell the truth I just came because you know me and my war movies... I just wanted really to see the old cars and uniforms and stuff. Modern life is often so minimalist and boring. since it is a tarantino movie I was afraid it'll drag on and on... I find his movies boring, but parts/scenes of the movies awesome. Luckily it didnt drag on and on. And I loved the accents and languages and loved to hate Col. Hans. And the other nazi guy. And I loved that I had no idea whats going to happen next at some parts since I didnt see them coming in the firt place. And oh, the funny was funny. And brad pitt with a mustache and eyebrows and that yankee accent. wtf, if I havent seen it I wouldnt have believed it was possible to pull off.
[Blog #248] --- Depressed --- [Saturday] - REALLY, Why.
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I expected today to be better than it was.
We had a good start, a REALLY shit middle then the rest perked up a little, but didn't return to how good the day had started.
Shelly proper wouldn't let me sleep. I hadn't had enough due to her proper pushing me out of bed - so I certainly didn't fucking appreciate being woken up at 7 in the fucking morning.
She woke me up like every fucking hour following this, so I was still half-asleep on the airbed when Ash arrived at 12. It was funny watching her climb over the airbed. Then they both pulled the duvet off me because they're knobs. :P
We started the day with Guitar Hero and snacks.
Ian was round, so he was in and out and I was up and down - we were talking about our usual stuff - games. He surveyed the PS2 games I've collected so far. Oddly enough, he approved of them - and even said that Herdy Gerdy is supposed to be a pretty good game. I'd never even heard of it, I just bought it because it was a) cheap and b) a platformer/adventure game.
Then of course, Shelly has to ruin stuff by ranting at me.
Mainly me, but she unneedly included Ash and made her cry.
Shelly was facing me, and I kept miming "Ash is fucking crying because of you" until she ended up turning around to comfort her.
She even kept bringing it up when we were eating, despite the amount of times I'd told her "NOT NOW."
And as she always fucking comes in the kicthen and hassles me when I'm preparing stuff or cleaning up - I was pissed at her enough, so I certainly didn't need her then.
Dad could see I was pissed off and he asked if I was alright, but I made out it was mainly because Shelly was proper in my fucking face - those exact words.
So he went in there and told her. Ha ha ha.
I hated Ash leaving knowing she was still a bit upset. I gave her a big hug, hoping she'd cheer herself up. She knows just as well as I do how much of a knob Shelly can be sometimes.
I only really despise her when she makes Ash cry. Seeing Ash cry makes me want to cry too, so...
Saying that, I don't suppose me doing the slit-wrists hand motions towards her when Shelly was out of the room helped matters.
If Shelly hadn't stayed longer, I would have done.
But even then, she made me upset.
She tried making me feel better, but it ended up making me feel worse.
And despite the fact I didn't want to, and she knew I didn't want to - I felt fucking obliged to do things to her. I didn't do anything but rub her - but when she said "Is that all?" after 10 minutes - she'd done me for less - she made me feel worthless and like a failure so I just cried. With no hesitation or anything.
I didn't do it to deliberatley make her feel shit, but I hope it did.
She consoled me a little bit before she left, but today was just a prime example of how she can ruin a day that I expected to be decent.
Dixie currently feels:
Depressed
Depressed -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blog #248
REALLY, Why.
REALLY, Why.
I expected today to be better than it was.
We had a good start, a REALLY shit middle then the rest perked up a little, but didn't return to how good the day had started.
Shelly proper wouldn't let me sleep. I hadn't had enough due to her proper pushing me out of bed - so I certainly didn't fucking appreciate being woken up at 7 in the fucking morning.
She woke me up like every fucking hour following this, so I was still half-asleep on the airbed when Ash arrived at 12. It was funny watching her climb over the airbed. Then they both pulled the duvet off me because they're knobs. :P
We started the day with Guitar Hero and snacks.
Ian was round, so he was in and out and I was up and down - we were talking about our usual stuff - games. He surveyed the PS2 games I've collected so far. Oddly enough, he approved of them - and even said that Herdy Gerdy is supposed to be a pretty good game. I'd never even heard of it, I just bought it because it was a) cheap and b) a platformer/adventure game.
Then of course, Shelly has to ruin stuff by ranting at me.
Mainly me, but she unneedly included Ash and made her cry.
Shelly was facing me, and I kept miming "Ash is fucking crying because of you" until she ended up turning around to comfort her.
She even kept bringing it up when we were eating, despite the amount of times I'd told her "NOT NOW."
And as she always fucking comes in the kicthen and hassles me when I'm preparing stuff or cleaning up - I was pissed at her enough, so I certainly didn't need her then.
Dad could see I was pissed off and he asked if I was alright, but I made out it was mainly because Shelly was proper in my fucking face - those exact words.
So he went in there and told her. Ha ha ha.
I hated Ash leaving knowing she was still a bit upset. I gave her a big hug, hoping she'd cheer herself up. She knows just as well as I do how much of a knob Shelly can be sometimes.
I only really despise her when she makes Ash cry. Seeing Ash cry makes me want to cry too, so...
Saying that, I don't suppose me doing the slit-wrists hand motions towards her when Shelly was out of the room helped matters.
If Shelly hadn't stayed longer, I would have done.
But even then, she made me upset.
She tried making me feel better, but it ended up making me feel worse.
And despite the fact I didn't want to, and she knew I didn't want to - I felt fucking obliged to do things to her. I didn't do anything but rub her - but when she said "Is that all?" after 10 minutes - she'd done me for less - she made me feel worthless and like a failure so I just cried. With no hesitation or anything.
I didn't do it to deliberatley make her feel shit, but I hope it did.
She consoled me a little bit before she left, but today was just a prime example of how she can ruin a day that I expected to be decent.
On the Road Again
I suppose it's time for another update, lazy ass that I am.
Though, I must say, I aim to be a little less lazy, now. I finally got around to buying a new bike, to replace the one that was stolen last year.
Here's the new ride:
Though, I must say, I aim to be a little less lazy, now. I finally got around to buying a new bike, to replace the one that was stolen last year.
Here's the new ride:
Sharp, huh? I really like it.
I did buy a mother of a lock, too. It's a U-lock from Kryptonite called the New York Fahgettaboudit. This sucker must weigh five pounds. It's huge.
I did buy a mother of a lock, too. It's a U-lock from Kryptonite called the New York Fahgettaboudit. This sucker must weigh five pounds. It's huge.
Whoever wants to saw through this bad boy had better have a good hour on their hands.
Of course, I'm giving them much less opportunity to do that. I've been bringing it inside at night. This isn't the easiest task, as my stairs are very narrow and there's a switchback. I've clocked myself in the head with the handlebars once (I've had the bike one week, now). And I know that the first time I come close to taking a header down the stairs will be the last time I bring it in.
Of course, I'm giving them much less opportunity to do that. I've been bringing it inside at night. This isn't the easiest task, as my stairs are very narrow and there's a switchback. I've clocked myself in the head with the handlebars once (I've had the bike one week, now). And I know that the first time I come close to taking a header down the stairs will be the last time I bring it in.
Other activities... Last Sunday, I got talked into doing yoga. Outside. In 92-degree heat.
My new friend, Amanda, just got her certification to teach yoga, and I was among four people (including her boyfriend, who maybe shouldn't count) who made up her first class.
I was stiff and sore for three days, afterward. I'm that out of shape. Then again, yoga is a much more intense workout than you'd think from watching it.
I won't be able to make this Sunday's class, but I think I'll do it again.
My new friend, Amanda, just got her certification to teach yoga, and I was among four people (including her boyfriend, who maybe shouldn't count) who made up her first class.
I was stiff and sore for three days, afterward. I'm that out of shape. Then again, yoga is a much more intense workout than you'd think from watching it.
I won't be able to make this Sunday's class, but I think I'll do it again.
Yesterday, I had an Epic Fail in the yogurt-making arena. (Yes, there's actually an arena.) I thought to try making yogurt out of something other than cow juice. I'm not a huge fan of soy milk, though, so I decided to try using almond milk.
I started it up yesterday before going to work and checked on it as soon as I got home. I'm not sure, but I think maybe I've gleaned a little into the formation of the solar system.
The solids in the almond milk had completely coagulated into somewhat spherical masses, suspended in all the liquid remainder. It was like five tiny, yeasty planetoids in jars.
Gross.
I started it up yesterday before going to work and checked on it as soon as I got home. I'm not sure, but I think maybe I've gleaned a little into the formation of the solar system.
The solids in the almond milk had completely coagulated into somewhat spherical masses, suspended in all the liquid remainder. It was like five tiny, yeasty planetoids in jars.
Gross.
I've decided to take tomorrow and Monday as vacation days. Not for any real reason, other than that it's convenient. One of my bosses is on vacation today through Monday. Another one is in an all-day meeting tomorrow, and then vacation Monday. And the third... well, she rarely has anything for me to do. So I figured it was good timing for me to be out of the office, too.
Tomorrow, my Little Brother and I will go see the new Harry Potter flick. Saturday is the Shannon Curtis concert, as well as the grand opening of a second location of Temple Fine Coffee and Tea, here in Sacramento.
Somewhere in there, I still have a few pieces to read for my writing group, meeting on Tuesday night. And hell, maybe some writing, too!
Tomorrow, my Little Brother and I will go see the new Harry Potter flick. Saturday is the Shannon Curtis concert, as well as the grand opening of a second location of Temple Fine Coffee and Tea, here in Sacramento.
Somewhere in there, I still have a few pieces to read for my writing group, meeting on Tuesday night. And hell, maybe some writing, too!
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