Just when you think life can't get any worse it likes to slap you right in the face, then spit in it, then slap you again...
I am really really pathetic, such a living waste of space, just another useless human being that has outlived it's usefulness...Every day I wake up and think to myself, have I unexpectedly passed my expiration date? What am I living for? I don't see myself as having a future in anything other than wallowing in my own self-hate and misery, becoming homeless or getting institutionalized in a mental ward. And mind you this is as soon as I wake up in the morning. I always sound so pathetic and whiney, like my problems outweigh everyone elses...as if everyone elses problems in the world don't mean shit when compared to mine. Then again I do find refuge in the fact that someone else out there might actually have it worse than I do.
I've lived such a fucked up existence. I can't help but feel that maybe I just wasn't meant to be and as a result of living beyond my death date everything I'm experiencing now is just a glimpse of what my personal hell will be like. Because I can honestly tell you right now, that if there is a hell it would be repeating my life over and over again, without any recollection of me knowing so. It truly would be a living hell.
I've been doing a lot of drugs this week. Pretty much baked myself silly the past few days... getting drunk then popping sleeping pills. Basically sleeping entire days away. It's so hard not to show these things when I'm around other people, but then again I wonder if they know I'm actually depressed, but choose not to acknowledge it, just like everything else wrong with me. I think people push it aside for some reason and still choose to be around me. Perhaps it's because I can put on one hell of a mask. I've always been good at lying.
I want to see a psychiatrist, but monetary-wise I wouldn't be able to afford it any time soon, nor would I be able to conceal it from my parents...so it's basically out of the question for the next two years of my life, assuming I live that much longer. Once I graduate from college and start working for a living/move away I will immediately seek out psychiatric help....I just hope I can make it that long without cracking again.
I'm also crying right now. Don't now why, but I always get a little emotional when I type up this blog. It's rather annoying. Going to sleep now and not wake up until two or three p.m....that's my life.
