Under the silk, I transform, become liquid, breathe like the wind, fade and appear in and out of view, with colors changing in the light and dark. Who am I? Would you know me at night? I express myself back and forth out of body, shifting my face, pinching closed my eyes, my cheeks always swollen with lost delight. Today I wept as if I lost everything. I just let myself drown in my tears. Cried insane, howled, barked, cracked. Used a whole box of tissue and wiped my face hard to remove the stains of panic and remembered disaster. I wept like a widow contemplating the death of all men. I cried like the Goddess in a pit of empty, hungry for lovers who have long forgotten me. As I stretched out of bed, I reached for the camera and draped on the silk scarf, the watercolor flowers called to me, an invitation to dance, to transmit my grief and make it somehow unreal, pretended, til I can look back at myself -- the clown -- and feel the fool no more.
