Existence @ MindSay 
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OHMIGAWSH PPL I REACHED FIRST. :D
...Pete's Sake, people! 0.o Who on earth keeps voting for my blogs? This is like, the third time now! XD Anywho, it's greatly appreciated, so thank you very much! ^^
This is in no way mocking beliefs, views, opinions, or anything else. I’m not that sort of person. I’d just like to have some questions answered, since I’m afraid to go to my parents about it because I think that they’ll think I’m an ‘atheist’…
My family are Christians, and really strong and firm believers in God. My mother is even the children’s pastor at our church. Good, right? I’ve been a Christian all my life, up until about a year and a half ago… That was when things just started ‘not making sense’.
Don’t think I don’t know absolutely anything. I know most major stories in the bible, and most of the miracles that Jesus performed while he was on earth. I know about Jonah and the Whale (was it a whale, or a big fishy?), David and Goliath, Daniel and the Lion’s Den, Noah and his Ark, Adam and Eve and how sin came to our world today… I also know that Jesus took my life upon the cross he carried, replaced my back with his to be whipped, and replaced my hands with his to be nailed to the wooden cross. I know he died for my sins. I know that. I’m not totally blind about information or anything.
I don’t know. Lately, it just seems that the stories, and most of the bible, just seems… Fantasized. It seems ‘impossible’. I can’t really say that I do believe in miracles. I’d like to say for sure that I do, but for now, that isn’t possible. You could say I do and I don’t. And, apparently so my mom says due to my premature birth, “Emily, whether you like it or not, you’re proof that miracles exist.”
I accepted the Lord into my heart when I was four years old. At that age, you KNOW children will believe anything they hear. I loved the Lord with every beat of my heart then. I cried in happiness. I was ecstatic that he was in my life.
…Now I’m not so sure if he’s still there. I’ve denied his existence, and I haven’t been the best ‘follower’ lately. I’ve been told that Satan has his hands tightly wrapped around me and he’s not going to let me go easily. There’s been times where I used to think that I was possessed by demons, or the presence of demons were near me. Sometimes I still think I am.
There’s also been times where I’ve sat alone in a room, and actually prayed to God for what seemed like I haven’t talked to him in ages. I recall once, or twice, where I’ve bowed my head, spent about fifteen minutes with him pleading and literally crying out for help – to be saved from the rotting and living darkness that still remains within me today. There has also been times, where I thought my belief in God was restored – and then I would post on my Facebook: “The Lord is my Shepherd. Praise God for your life, peeps!” - But that would fade within a day or two.
I can tell you that I’m definitely not the same person as I was two years ago. I’ve committed so many sins in the past two years, and I’ve asked for forgiveness every now and then, but I don’t feel ‘cleansed’. I don’t feel ‘pure’ or even forgiven. I’ve come to think that God just doesn’t love me anymore.
I’ve had dreams or daydreams, rarely, where God and Satan are battling over me. Mother always liked to say that it’s an immense battle, and God doesn’t give up on people. But she never mentioned that He gives up on those who ‘turn against him’.
I’d like to say that I believe in him, as there are times where I do. But at the same time I just don’t believe. I do and I don’t at the same time. I know, it’s confusing.
I’ve also been blinded by anger, because over the past year or so, I kept asking God why on earth he would give a follower Cerebral Palsy. He hasn’t really provided me any answers, and God knows why he made me the way I am… I sometimes wonder why he didn't make me a certain way... For example, I sometimes wonder why he didn't make me smarter. Or I wonder why he didn't make me look like the attractive girl sitting across from me.
Thank you for hearing me out. I have some questions, you don’t have to answer them, though… I just so badly want to restore my relationship with Him, and every time I get inspired to do so, the darkness within me keeps me bound by its chains.
1) Why did God allow sin to enter our world?
I know, it’s a really old question. I know that God made man to love him, and apparently misfortunes are supposed to ‘grab our attention’ and get us to ‘turn towards him’. But I just don’t understand. God could have made the world perfect, and he could still have had His way, couldn’t he…? I know Him sending down his Son, Jesus; down to earth was also part of his plan… But I just still don’t understand.
2) How can you tell if somebody is possessed?
I recall in a few accounts in the Bible that there were some possessions, and Jesus drove the demons away and everything. I just have this sincere feeling that I am possessed… Please, don’t think I’m crazy or anything.
3) Does God still love those who ‘turn against him’ or ‘deny his existence’?
I know, you’re probably gonna say “God loves everybody”. I just keep wondering why such a loving God would send people to Hell. I mean, if God does exist, humans ARE his own creation… I know the story of the Prodigal Son, but that doesn’t make things much clearer for me.
4) Is there any actual PROOF that God exists, or anything similar? I’m just having the most DIFFICULT time believing everything and almost anything in relation to the topic of God.
5) Does God remain in your heart once you`ve accepted him? Does he leave once you make the decision not to believe anymore? And does he love you any less if you turn against him...?
I have some more. But I have currently forgotten them. I hope this doesn’t change anyone’s views about who I am. I know I may sound selfish, but I don’t intend to be… I’m just confused, seeking, and looking for some answers. I wouldn't directly say that I'm an "atheist" or anything... But, who knows, I guess.
After several days of searching for the unknown, i find myself lying on the bed thingking of what will happen to my life when i get old. Im 18 years old now, and my life sucked not the average teen life of what people used to have. I am in the depths of commitng self exile, behaving like im the only who didn't have any memories that are best to be remembered. Until now i still dont get anything from my self not knowing what to do with my life. But after i watched i late night movie, i asked my self if my world would be like that. Were you have to be somebody to be in the social acceptance on the society. Always wanted to be a somebody, like i said im not the average guy. Loneliness has kept me frozen in time and i want to stay like that, to conjure the pain the happines and memories.
The true purpose in life is finding the road to ones self, begin by knowing your inner self. Look at yourself in the mirror and say that " Im here because i want my family to be proud of me, and I wont let them down". Or you can say that " Im here because i want to be doctor someday, so i could help my mother from her sickness and i dont want to leave her". Its starts with "What I want to do with my life", and ends with "I am proud that i have than this and that and I lived my life with no regrets whatsoever and im willing to help people who is in need". Friends are the common things in life that you get in life, some are free some are friends that will be with you just for money. Well life is like that, life is unfair i know but, hear me this " always believe in god and in your self " because god is the only one you have that, even if he is not in your presence " Just pray and he will come to you". Im not saying this because im a christian, Im saying this because he helped me a lot when i needed him the most. He never leaves by your side, you got to talk to him by your heart. And Believe is the one you have in your life, because people started living in this world because we believe that we have a purpose and that one of the most motivational keys in finding yourself. " I believe in my self, and Im willing to take the test and the obstacles that i may tackles through out my life. My suggestion is learn to respect yourself and know your limits, humans are bound to have limits but one thing is out of the line, there is also human instinct that drives you.
I'll end for now, im tired and didn't get enough sleep all week.. Next time I'll talk about love and courtship.
If you want to find out more about me, just PM me and I'll accept any questions about me.. thanks for reading and be what you are always. =3
I have done a lot of soul searching lately. I have looked back on all that has happened in my life to try to figure out where i am and what/who i have become. i have had good relationships and bad ones, difficult times and happiest times, i have had some bad experiences but also some amazing ones; have failed, but also succeeded...just like im sure everyone has. yes, i do realize that i have gone thru some diffucult things in my life - more than most peopple and worse than some, but i have realized that i have also had a better life than some people and that i shouldnt take things for granted. there was a large chunk of my life where i really felt like i had no friends, no love, and no hope...life felt like a neverending struggle; like even breathing, the most basic function of existance, was a chore. at the botton of that phase i actually tried to end my life, and by doing so i realized that there were sooooo many ppl that cared for me, but that i had just been too stubborn to see it; too depressed and locked in my own mind to understand anything that was real in the outside world. from that point on i tried to open myself up and trust people, but i found it very difficult because i had closed myself off for so long. i found that as i opened myself up to one person i would alienate and shut out other people which was not what i was trying to accomplish. i shut out some of the most important people in my life; the ones who had been there for me and loved me since birth; the ppl who took me in when i had nowhere else to go; the ones who had basically been my best friends - the ones i could tell anything to. I made them feel like horrible people. i made them think that i hated them and that i didnt give a shit about what they had done for me, and in reality i cared so much about them. i love them with all my heart and the last thing that i wanted to do was hurt them..and thats what i ended up doing. not only did i do that to them, but i did that to some of my closest friends who were just trying to look out for me. i lost some of my best friends and while we have still kept in touch i know that their trust in me is gone. most of them just dont understand me anymore since i have strayed so far from the path that i had originally been travelling on.
my senior year i hit the top of insanity. i managed to alienate and piss off everyone in my family that had kept their faith in me that i would get back on the right track. i had even worried my biological father and his mother, which i had really never done. i got mixed up with the wrong guy. a guy that all he wanted was to use me, but i thought that i loved him. i honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him at that point. so much so that i was willing to abandon my family, my school, and my future. i even left the security of my home and decided to live from house to house even going to milwaukee to live with my brother for 4 days. i was able to be thrust back into reality and a sense of sanity when he broke my heart. i was thrown from a high into an ultimate low in a matter of seconds and i wasnt sure if i was going to be able to handle it. but my friends were there for me..even the ones that i had made feel inferior or that i made feel unwanted..they stuck by me and helped me get out of a dark time in my life. with the help of my friends and my family i was able to pull my head outta my ass, move back home, and go off to college.
about a month before i started college i met another guy who i thought would be the love of my life. we became best friends almost instantly, which is exactly what a good relationship would be based on, right?...wrong!! i was so caught up in that relationship that i let my first semester in college go to complete shit. my relationship was going down the drain and i became so depressed that i didnt want to leave my room. i sat in my closet most days and didnt move until right before my roommate came back. which made my grades go down since i didnt go to class. but i figured i would make my relationship work because i loved him so much...eventhough he was cheating on me and the girl he was cheating on me with was making my life hell. i figured that i would just make up for it second semester. when i recieved a letter from my college over xmas break i thought that my life was over...i spent the next semester trying to prove myself to my college that i wanted to be there and that it really mattered...it was easy to do that once i made the decision to dump the one person in my life that, at the time, i loved more than life, but he was no longer making me happy. it was a very difficult time, one that my mother helped me thru. i was able to finish second semester with a B average.
this past summer i have spent most of my time in illinois meeting many new people and making wonderful friends and adding people to my "family". i thought that leaving wisconsin would help me get away from all of the drama that i had come into contact with..it in fact did not help and i have realized that i let drama come into my life. because i have a complex where i feel that intense need to fix things that are going wrong i invite the drama into my life. i have realized that i just cant do that anymore..i cant put everything aside in my life just so that i can not only add more stress but lose a sense of myself. while i will always be there for the people i love (friends and family) i cannot give my all to them, i must keep some of it to myself. this will be the most difficult thing i will have to do, but i believe that i can conquer it, and when i do i hope that it will drastically help my life.
i have been trying to become a better person. i am in the process of mending lost or broken relationships with people that i love while still meeting new people and maintaing the friendships that i have. i am also trying to keep a sense of myself. being bi polar and having PTSD can make those things slightly difficult, but i am going to keep my head up.
i have finally met someone that i have been able to connect with and who i think is actually right for me. hes eccentric, kind, funny, sexy and just absolutely adorable, and he accepts me for all of my flaws (which there are many). i truely love him. and i feel completely safe with him. there are no words really to describe my exact feelings. he and i are starting a journey together that i hope will last a lifetime. i am very happy and excited that i get to share my journey of life with him, because there is no one else on the face of the earth who i would rather share this with. he makes me want to be a better person and he motivates me to get my ass into gear in order to achieve my goals. he makes me feel whole, and that is one feeling that i never want to lose.
so thats my revelation for now...i am continuing to learn every day..and hopefully i will understand a little more about this insane thing that we call existance..but until then i will just try to keep my head up, keep persevering, keep trying to survive and keep trying to have some balance in my life.
Today, at the local coffee shop, a chance conversation explored life, death, and god, integrating senses with fact and theories based in science. The Mystical comes in the unmistakable fact that the fullest truth cannot be proved. That said, the theories of quantum physics demonstrate strong correlations to the spiritual wisdoms of many ancient scriptural texts, and explorations of many spiritual - shall we say - Masters.
We are all One. God is One. I Am. And there are many other phrases that can be tweaked, used, and even contradicting one another, that pertain to this truth. For now, entertain this focus of Oneness, Existence, Everything, and Nothing - the Emptiness. You see, space, by its’ very nature, represents a void of emptiness. Yet, there exist (Read more...)
Here is a rambling of mine. It's a few years old, and I'll admit a little immature.
But, it has some great ideas. This was back when I first started realizing that there is so much more and that something is wrong.
"It is nearly impossible for myself to imagine reasoning to my existence here this day, in this moment in time and space. Whether the universe exploded and I happened to just be an organism that can breathe and think, or a supreme being has placed me here for a supreme purpose, I have yet to discover the empathetic meaning to my power to overcome what has been given to me. I am a human being, or so called by the rest of this species. I am a living organism. I am made, self evident, an equal man. I am a life form, created by two of my own, my mother and father. They have given me a gift, a gift that I’d be damned for eternity if I didn’t fulfill its needs. I am a human, and I am humane. I have feelings, or created images in my head that make me feel sad and happy, lonely and afraid… or connected. I feel attached to the outside world as if I, myself, were the outside world. Or am I just a soul, imprisoned in this forsaken body, demanded to spend my life wondering why?
I am man and man has no idea what he is.
I am alive. And alive does not know what it is to be dead.
I am imprisoned. And imprisoned does not know what it is to be free.
Utopia is unimaginable. Existence is unimaginable. Any action taken by me will have no existence when memory of my existence has faded. So in some time in this universe, Christopher Tory Johnson will be forgotten. That being said, anything that I do while I do exist will have no consequences because they will only exist as long as the memory of myself exists.
We have created a surplus of hatred. There is no evidence of what existed before, yet we are determined to discover the purpose as to what we are today. The violence we enforce on ourselves. The deceit, the lies, the discrimination, the prejudice, the irrational discrepancies of religion, politicians, and the supernatural has pushed us to a brink of destruction to ourselves.
We understand that at some point in time our lives here on planet Earth will come to an end and the relationships, the misunderstandings, the actions in which we partake will have no matter whatsoever when we are buried in a cold, dark coffin. Whether you believe in the forgiveness of sins, or in reincarnation, or in the total darkness of death itself, you will undoubtedly convince yourself that your time spent on Earth was wasted. Your time spent enjoying the luxuries that made you feel joy have not given it to you eternally. You won’t miss video games, music, cars, books, or televisions. You will miss the experiences of accomplishment through other life forms, whether it be mammals, reptiles, fish or any other organism in the world. If you made a difference, you will have eternal joy.
I am confused, and will most likely always be confused, by the judgment of this United States government. Why, as a child brought up in America, do they force me to believe that this is all there is, and that this is the best there is? There are 5 billion other human beings in this world, and they are drowned out by our national anthem. There are billions of living, breathing, bleeding, crying entities on this planet… and we have driven them out of our minds. And sometimes we have put them into our mouths. We have put them on our backs. We have put them on our feet. We have put them in our homes. We have put them on our televisions. We have condemned this entire nation into believing that it is natural.
Is it natural to let living, breathing, bleeding, crying cows to be hung upside down and cut from the throats so they are drained with the blood that gives them life? Only to be preserved and distributed into every household in this country as food?
Is it natural to give a young man a gun and send him across the world to shoot another man that he does not even know or understand, and have him murder him on command?
Is it natural for people to have to live in the streets, while others sleeping in a warm cozy bed, and for no one to do anything about it?
Is it natural for our lives to be controlled by television sets, news propaganda and forced to fear something because it is for our protection?
Protection from what? Protection from something that our government created!? NEVER!
George W. Bush, George Bush Sr. along with every single politician in this country are the real terrorists! The trained killers: The FBI, the CIA, the police. Our nuclear weapons forced upon on other countries. "
-10/23/2005
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