Existence @ MindSay

After several days of searching for the unknown, i find myself lying on the bed thingking of what will happen to my life when i get old. Im 18 years old now, and my life sucked not the average teen life of what people used to have. I am in the depths of commitng self exile, behaving like im the only who didn't have any memories that are best to be remembered. Until now  i still dont get anything from my self not knowing what to do with  my life. But after i watched i late night movie, i asked my self if my world  would be like that. Were you have to be somebody to be in the social acceptance on the society. Always wanted to be a somebody, like i said im not the average guy. Loneliness has kept me frozen in time and i want to stay like that, to conjure the pain the happines and memories.

 

The true purpose in life is finding the road to ones self, begin by knowing your inner self. Look at yourself in the mirror and say that " Im here because i want my family to be proud of me, and I wont let them down". Or you can say that " Im here because i want to be doctor someday, so i could help my mother from her sickness and i dont want to leave her". Its starts with "What I want to do with my life", and ends with "I am proud that i have than this and that and I lived my life with no regrets whatsoever and im willing to help people who is in need". Friends are the common things in life that you get in life, some are free some are friends that will be with you just for money. Well life is like that, life is unfair i know but, hear me this " always believe in god and in your self " because god is the only one you have that, even if he is not in your presence " Just pray and he will come to you". Im not saying this because im a christian, Im saying this because he helped me a lot when i needed him the most. He never leaves by your side, you got to talk to him by your heart. And Believe is the one you have in your life, because people started living in this world because we believe that we have a purpose and that one of the most motivational keys in finding yourself. " I believe in my self, and Im willing to take the test and the obstacles that i may tackles through out my life. My suggestion is learn to respect yourself and know your limits, humans are bound to have limits but one thing is out of the line, there is also human instinct that drives you.

 

 

I'll end for now, im tired and didn't get enough sleep all week.. Next time I'll talk about love and courtship.

 

 

If  you want to find out more about me, just PM me and I'll accept any questions about me.. thanks for reading and be what you are always. =3

 

 

I have done a lot of soul searching lately. I have looked back on all that has happened in my life to try to figure out where i am and what/who i have become. i have had good relationships and bad ones, difficult times and happiest times, i have had some bad experiences but also some amazing ones; have failed, but also succeeded...just like im sure everyone has. yes, i do realize that i have gone thru some diffucult things in my life - more than most peopple and worse than some, but i have realized that i have also had a better life than some people and that i shouldnt take things for granted. there was a large chunk of my life where i really felt like i had no friends, no love, and no hope...life felt like a neverending struggle; like even breathing, the most basic function of existance, was a chore. at the botton of that phase i actually tried to end my life, and by doing so i realized that there were sooooo many ppl that cared for me, but that i had just been too stubborn to see it; too depressed and locked in my own mind to understand anything that was real in the outside world. from that point on i tried to open myself up and trust people, but i found it very difficult because i had closed myself off for so long. i found that as i opened myself up to one person i would alienate and shut out other people which was not what i was trying to accomplish. i shut out some of the most important people in my life; the ones who had been there for me and loved me since birth; the ppl who took me in when i had nowhere else to go; the ones who had basically been my best friends - the ones i could tell anything to. I made them feel like horrible people. i made them think that i hated them and that i didnt give a shit about what they had done for me, and in reality i cared so much about them. i love them with all my heart and the last thing that i wanted to do was hurt them..and thats what i ended up doing. not only did i do that to them, but i did that to some of my closest friends who were just trying to look out for me. i lost some of my best friends and while we have still kept in touch i know that their trust in me is gone. most of them just dont understand me anymore since i have strayed so far from the path that i had originally been travelling on.

my senior year i hit the top of insanity. i managed to alienate and piss off everyone in my family that had kept their faith in me that i would get back on the right track. i had even worried my biological father and his mother, which i had really never done. i got mixed up with the wrong guy. a guy that all he wanted was to use me, but i thought that i loved him. i honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him at that point. so much so that i was willing to abandon my family, my school, and my future. i even left the security of my home and decided to live from house to house even going to milwaukee to live with my brother for 4 days. i was able to be thrust back into reality and a sense of sanity when he broke my heart. i was thrown from a high into an ultimate low in a matter of seconds and i wasnt sure if i was going to be able to handle it. but my friends were there for me..even the ones that i had made feel inferior or that i made feel unwanted..they stuck by me and helped me get out of a dark time in my life. with the help of my friends and my family i was able to pull my head outta my ass, move back home, and go off to college.

about a month before i started college i met another guy who i thought would be the love of my life. we became best friends almost instantly, which is exactly what a good relationship would be based on, right?...wrong!! i was so caught up in that relationship that i let my first semester in college go to complete shit. my relationship was going down the drain and i became so depressed that i didnt want to leave my room. i sat in my closet most days and didnt move until right before my roommate came back. which made my grades go down since i didnt go to class. but i figured i would make my relationship work because i loved him so much...eventhough he was cheating on me and the girl he was cheating on me with was making my life hell. i figured that i would just make up for it second semester. when i recieved a letter from my college over xmas break i thought that my life was over...i spent the next semester trying to prove myself to my college that i wanted to be there and that it really mattered...it was easy to do that once i made the decision to dump the one person in my life that, at the time, i loved more than life, but he was no longer making me happy. it was a very difficult time, one that my mother helped me thru. i was able to finish second semester with a B average.

this past summer i have spent most of my time in illinois meeting many new people and making wonderful friends and adding people to my "family". i thought that leaving wisconsin would help me get away from all of the drama that i had come into contact with..it in fact did not help and i have realized that i let drama come into my life. because i have a complex where i feel that intense need to fix things that are going wrong i invite the drama into my life. i have realized that i just cant do that anymore..i cant put everything aside in my life just so that i can not only add more stress but lose a sense of myself. while i will always be there for the people i love (friends and family) i cannot give my all to them, i must keep some of it to myself. this will be the most difficult thing i will have to do, but i believe that i can conquer it, and when i do i hope that it will drastically help my life.

i have been trying to become a better person. i am in the process of mending lost or broken relationships with people that i love while still meeting new people and maintaing the friendships that i have. i am also trying to keep a sense of myself. being bi polar and having PTSD can make those things slightly difficult, but i am going to keep my head up.

i have finally met someone that i have been able to connect with and who i think is actually right for me. hes eccentric, kind, funny, sexy and just absolutely adorable, and he accepts me for all of my flaws (which there are many). i truely love him. and i feel completely safe with him. there are no words really to describe my exact feelings. he and i are starting a journey together that i hope will last a lifetime. i am very happy and excited that i get to share my journey of life with him, because there is no one else on the face of the earth who i would rather share this with. he makes me want to be a better person and he motivates me to get my ass into gear in order to achieve my goals. he makes me feel whole, and that is one feeling that i never want to lose.

so thats my revelation for now...i am continuing to learn every day..and hopefully i will understand a little more about this insane thing that we call existance..but until then i will just try to keep my head up, keep persevering, keep trying to survive and keep trying to have some balance in my life.

Just when you think life can't get any worse it likes to slap you right in the face, then spit in it, then slap you again...

I am really really pathetic, such a living waste of space, just another useless human being that has outlived it's usefulness...Every day I wake up and think to myself, have I unexpectedly passed my expiration date? What am I living for? I don't see myself as having a future in anything other than wallowing in my own self-hate and misery, becoming homeless or getting institutionalized in a mental ward. And mind you this is as soon as I wake up in the morning. I always sound so pathetic and whiney, like my problems outweigh everyone elses...as if everyone elses problems in the world don't mean shit when compared to mine. Then again I do find refuge in the fact that someone else out there might actually have it worse than I do.

I've lived such a fucked up existence. I can't help but feel that maybe I just wasn't meant to be and as a result of living beyond my death date everything I'm experiencing now is just a glimpse of what my personal hell will be like. Because I can honestly tell you right now, that if there is a hell it would be repeating my life over and over again, without any recollection of me knowing so. It truly would be a living hell.

I've been doing a lot of drugs this week. Pretty much baked myself silly the past few days... getting drunk then popping sleeping pills. Basically sleeping entire days away. It's so hard not to show these things when I'm around other people, but then again I wonder if they know I'm actually depressed, but choose not to acknowledge it, just like everything else wrong with me. I think people push it aside for some reason and still choose to be around me. Perhaps it's because I can put on one hell of a mask. I've always been good at lying.

I want to see a psychiatrist, but monetary-wise I wouldn't be able to afford it any time soon, nor would I be able to conceal it from my parents...so it's basically out of the question for the next two years of my life, assuming I live that much longer. Once I graduate from college and start working for a living/move away I will immediately seek out psychiatric help....I just hope I can make it that long without cracking again.

I'm also crying right now. Don't now why, but I always get a little emotional when I type up this blog. It's rather annoying. Going to sleep now and not wake up until two or three p.m....that's my life.

Death is not a topic many people could say they enjoy. Strangely, today and recently I’ve had numerous conversations with others about life, death, and god. There is a peace that comes with exploring the balance, meaning, and experience of these three topics. A portion of expanding thoughts includes influences from science as well.

Today, at the local coffee shop, a chance conversation explored life, death, and god, integrating senses with fact and theories based in science. The Mystical comes in the unmistakable fact that the fullest truth cannot be proved. That said, the theories of quantum physics demonstrate strong correlations to the spiritual wisdoms of many ancient scriptural texts, and explorations of many spiritual - shall we say - Masters.

We are all One. God is One. I Am. And there are many other phrases that can be tweaked, used, and even contradicting one another, that pertain to this truth. For now, entertain this focus of Oneness, Existence, Everything, and Nothing - the Emptiness. You see, space, by its’ very nature, represents a void of emptiness. Yet, there exist (Read more...)

Everytime I read this it's like cold water being dumped on my head, haha
Here is a rambling of mine. It's a few years old, and I'll admit a little immature.

But, it has some great ideas. This was back when I first started realizing that there is so much more and that something is wrong.

"It is nearly impossible for myself to imagine reasoning to my existence here this day, in this moment in time and space. Whether the universe exploded and I happened to just be an organism that can breathe and think, or a supreme being has placed me here for a supreme purpose, I have yet to discover the empathetic meaning to my power to overcome what has been given to me. I am a human being, or so called by the rest of this species. I am a living organism. I am made, self evident, an equal man. I am a life form, created by two of my own, my mother and father. They have given me a gift, a gift that I’d be damned for eternity if I didn’t fulfill its needs. I am a human, and I am humane. I have feelings, or created images in my head that make me feel sad and happy, lonely and afraid… or connected. I feel attached to the outside world as if I, myself, were the outside world. Or am I just a soul, imprisoned in this forsaken body, demanded to spend my life wondering why?
I am man and man has no idea what he is.
I am alive. And alive does not know what it is to be dead.
I am imprisoned. And imprisoned does not know what it is to be free.

Utopia is unimaginable. Existence is unimaginable. Any action taken by me will have no existence when memory of my existence has faded. So in some time in this universe, Christopher Tory Johnson will be forgotten. That being said, anything that I do while I do exist will have no consequences because they will only exist as long as the memory of myself exists.

We have created a surplus of hatred. There is no evidence of what existed before, yet we are determined to discover the purpose as to what we are today. The violence we enforce on ourselves. The deceit, the lies, the discrimination, the prejudice, the irrational discrepancies of religion, politicians, and the supernatural has pushed us to a brink of destruction to ourselves.

We understand that at some point in time our lives here on planet Earth will come to an end and the relationships, the misunderstandings, the actions in which we partake will have no matter whatsoever when we are buried in a cold, dark coffin. Whether you believe in the forgiveness of sins, or in reincarnation, or in the total darkness of death itself, you will undoubtedly convince yourself that your time spent on Earth was wasted. Your time spent enjoying the luxuries that made you feel joy have not given it to you eternally. You won’t miss video games, music, cars, books, or televisions. You will miss the experiences of accomplishment through other life forms, whether it be mammals, reptiles, fish or any other organism in the world. If you made a difference, you will have eternal joy.

I am confused, and will most likely always be confused, by the judgment of this United States government. Why, as a child brought up in America, do they force me to believe that this is all there is, and that this is the best there is? There are 5 billion other human beings in this world, and they are drowned out by our national anthem. There are billions of living, breathing, bleeding, crying entities on this planet… and we have driven them out of our minds. And sometimes we have put them into our mouths. We have put them on our backs. We have put them on our feet. We have put them in our homes. We have put them on our televisions. We have condemned this entire nation into believing that it is natural.

Is it natural to let living, breathing, bleeding, crying cows to be hung upside down and cut from the throats so they are drained with the blood that gives them life? Only to be preserved and distributed into every household in this country as food?

Is it natural to give a young man a gun and send him across the world to shoot another man that he does not even know or understand, and have him murder him on command?

Is it natural for people to have to live in the streets, while others sleeping in a warm cozy bed, and for no one to do anything about it?

Is it natural for our lives to be controlled by television sets, news propaganda and forced to fear something because it is for our protection?

Protection from what? Protection from something that our government created!? NEVER!

George W. Bush, George Bush Sr. along with every single politician in this country are the real terrorists! The trained killers: The FBI, the CIA, the police. Our nuclear weapons forced upon on other countries. "

-10/23/2005