Exhaustion @ MindSay

There is no better fitness equipment available on the market than a child. They say children keep you young...

more like they keep you EXHAUSTED. You don't even have to run around all day, just deal with them mentally and you will see. Some days it's more running and jumping. Other days it's more like psychological warfare. You have to get up earlier than they do just so you can work yourself up to their speed by the time they bounce out of bed...and I mean bounce. I am usually dragging myself out of bed an hour after he has told me he is up. Note how I said "told me", because he has usually been up a few hours before he gets bored enough to let me know about it.

Good thing he isn't a pyromaniac and can entertain himself by non-violent, non-injurious means.

If you see me pop in from time to time now, it's because I am going to come back a little at a time.  I am not capable of "taking it easy" apparently and worked myself into a state of near physical/mental exhaustion.  So close to the point that my therapist advised if I did not start to cut back IMMEDIATELY, I would likely end up in the hospital in a month or less for said physical/mental exhaustion.  So, I am no longer working weekends, no more than 10 hours a day (and I will be likely to work less than that more often than not).  The success of the  new programming at work has now been forced to be on the shoulders of those who designed it.  My bosses were told this week of my dilemma and responded very graciously.  In fact, they basically told me that I was too valuable to lose under any circumstances (wish that came with a damn raise!!)  So, I am starting the whole rest/recovery phase of nearly working myself beyond my limitations. 

 

You will see me from time to time, but not daily, so if I don't reply to you, or read a blog, it's just because I'm not back all the time.  My Father continues to have health issues, and my Mother still has a surgery (cataract) to get through, so I have external, non working stresses that will continue, but I have to start being nicer to myself now.  I have some very special people in my life that want/need me to stick around, so I have to make sure to listen to the advice my mind/body was giving me.

It's not that I am not aware of "what day it is." I am.  I have been avoiding media, however, except as reported to me via The Spousal Unit.

The reason for this is that today was The First Dentist Appointment for Cartoon Ranger.

Short version:  Imagine the <sarcasm> fun and hilarity </sarcasm> of guiding a small person through an initial dental visit (brushing and exam).  Now imagine that the small person cannot abide having his head or face touched without permission.  <quoting some commercial or other> "Yes, it's that good." </quoting>

In CR's favor, he was WONDERFUL in preparation for said visit. We went to the dentist's website, saw pics of his office (they have a game room with video games and a flat screen TV), and read books about dentist office visits.   All those good "social stories" kinds of things that are recommended by therapists everywhere.  He was very positive about going. 

Until he had to wait longer than anticipated. To be fair, we HAD been waiting quite a while.  At one point, he just sort of snapped. Zero to sixty in a heartbeat.  We had to leave the waiting room and go outside to calm down.

This happened a few times.

In the office, (complete with flatscreen installed in the ceiling to watch Nick Jr. or ANYthing else the patient wanted to watch) (maybe even Discovery Home), the little guy came unglued.  Poor kidlet.  We tried and tried, but the whole dental chair exam was not for him today.

On the plus side, as I wrote the relatives, while he was screaming (I was holding him the whole time, but he was still screaming) the dentist could clearly see all his teeth.  All the way, I'm guessing, to his esophagus.

In the end, his teeth were pronounced to be very healthy. His lungs certainly lack nothing, either.  He got to go to the treasure box (he had, after all, endured a power brushing and exam) and was more than ready to go home.

So was I. I felt like I'd run a mile. Without a break for water.

So it's been kind of a day in the House O'Quill. Maybe I'll turn in early tonight, still avoid the media, and watch some silly movie that reminds me to value the honesty of a small son who is frightened, even when it can be embarrassing.

Or there's always Pride & Prejudice. ;)

I'm under the suspicion that people don’t want to know if you’re doing well

 

They want to hear what’s wrong

 

Not so they can help

 

But so they can feel better that things are not as good for you as they seem

 

And all they want to do is tell you how bad things are for them

 

Because they can’t think that you love them unless and until you pity them

 

But if you don’t pity them- in their scrambled egg brain- it means you don’t love them

 

So they throw rocks at you instead- and laugh when you fall

 

But-in my scrambled egg brain- what’s mine is yours

 

And if I fall

 

You fall too

and vice versa 

And if I win, we win

 

and vice versa

I was never the enemy you made me out to be, seem to need me to be

And because I wasn't, you fought me just that much harder, determined to make it that way

 

How many times do I have to say it?

 

We’re on the same side, jackass!

 

We’re all on the same side

 

We’ve always been on the same side

 

We will always be on the same side

 

But if it makes you feel better

 

Keep separating yourself from the pack

 

Until you’re way over there

 

And suddenly you’re mad, cuz I’m so far away.

After hrs in the sun and some 4 hrs on the road, you'd think I would have been incredibly tired and able to sleep like a rock.  Nope.  Since last month, I've had various nights of not being able to sleep.  I have nightmares about my mom's situation and nightmares about how I felt during all that.  Last night's nightmare was about my trying to explain to my idiot father how much he hurt me because the Masons were more important than a family emergency.  His face turned as ugly as what I see inside him and he informed me that of course they were more important than I was to him and always had been.  Then his words and face turned even more ugly and he yelled all sorts of terrible, hurtful things at me.  I woke up sweating with my heart pounding!  I was so agitated that I had a terrible time going back to sleep.  Once I did, more nightmares of situations of grief, and terror took that one's place.  DH's alarm going off was a mercy since it woke me from the most recent dream.  It was so comforting to be able to curl against him and know I am loved.  A kiss and a cuddle and a few words of sympathy for my anxious state calmed me enough to fall back to sleep and dream nice dreams of getting away from bad things and going on many cruises! 

I am so tired now.  I've tried to get some housework done, but it's hard with this stupid brace on my wrist and the fact that I'm so groggy makes me lose concentration in what I'm supposed to do next.  I think there's still 2 loads of laundry waiting for me (lotsa towels but folding them isn't too bad). 

Bits and pieces of the nightmares from last night impinge upon my consciousness at odd times and make me further unsettled.  In moments of hurt and anger, I want to email my idiot father and tell him that his actions are causing me nightmares.  I want to tell him how much he hurt me and that I don't think I can ever forgive him.  I've let things go in the past to keep the peace and take the high ground.  I realize it will do no good.  There will be no change in him like they show in movies and books and on TV.  There can be no happy ending in this for me.  The urge is strong to write that scathing email, but I'm sure it would do no good and I would just be more exhausted than I am now.  Perhaps I could just do the short and sweet job, "You suck as a father, eat shit and die".  Knowing me, I'll be far too verbose.  "Your inability to put your own daughter before your Masonic pimps and whores shows me without doubt that you are nobody I want to speak to. When she was dealing with the worst situation in her life, you left her to speak to your implacable self that would only reason that there was nothing you could do about the situation and why should you leave your seminar to come back and give aid?  That's when she got to speak to you at all.  The rest of the time she got your voicemail.  It's a shame those messages are probably deleted and never to be heard again.  It would be nice to play them on loudspeaker on endless repeat loop to all your "friends" so they can know the pain you've caused.  Not that they would care, of course they are probably no better than you since you spend so much time in their company.  Perhaps it should play for those who have yet to meet you so they would be ware of your true nature."  Nope, can't do it.  Not today.  I'm emotionally exhausted now to go along with the physical exhaustion, and I haven't finished my thoughts and haven't sent it.