Exhausted @ MindSay 
tired
I got back from my trip at 2:40; trip, overall, was very good.
While on the bus in the parking lot, I saw the parent of M; M usually has afterschool until 5 or 6, so seeing 'mom' was not a good thing. I got off the bus, left my suitcase and stuff behind, and ran in.
Inside, I see a little boy laying on a beanbag. I think it is An. Then, An walks up to me to show me a picture he's been making, so clearly that's not him. Who is he?
Oh, just my new student. J, but since I already have a J, I'll call him NJ for New J. Know nothing about him except that he's been here since Tuesday.
How is J doing, btw? Got written up on the bus again.
And then, at about 2:55, Li comes flying back into the room, livid. Someone laughed at him and he attacked him in the 2nd grade room, and then Cathy L restrained him to get him out, and he and Kathleen flew back here and he proceeded to kick her, throw things/at me, destroy 2 timers, take everything out of my cabinets, stomp on them, flipped 5 chairs, told me he hated me, threatened the lives of his classmates, and spit.
Oh, and I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon to officially get T as a student. HOLY FUCK.
I am leaving this because seeing it in writing is making me start to bawl again. I am never taking a trip again. I am never doing ANYTHING again.
I don't know if I slept after I got home at 1 (note to all: NOT a mature decision to stay out until 1, even if you were driving like mad to get home...when you have to get up at 6); I just kept thinking/dozing about having to drive around to get people/places. Not very restful. And the WORST Sunday possible to not sleep, as I am about to embark on a 4-day/3-night overnight trip with my 5th grader and the rest of the 5th grade at my school and probably should have been in bed at 10:30.... but SO.GOOD.
They were so on last night. And I loved every minute.
Pictures of this and hopefully my excursion into nature when I get back. I 'ope, I 'ope.
<33
I've had so many chances
turned my back and I ran away
I've (not) had so many chances
to. see. you.
Started out fine; I walked in high energy, ready for the day. At about 8:15, I started to feel really nervous; not sure why. Kind of like the nervous I felt some mornings when Z was still part of our classroom and I was worried about him getting hurt or him hurting someone else. No clear reason for it, but a definite feeling. By the time the bell rang, and E and A walked in 10 minutes later, I was NOT in the mood to deal with kids. And I NEVER feel that way. Claudia had A reading a book, and Parker and E were playing chess, and I just sat at the back table, writing and in a fog.
Grace was testing which means there was no group, so I sat in the hall for 20 minutes trying to force myself to feel better to work with AB. AB did not feel well so he was in the nurse for a bit, and then they worked on their poetry presentation, so my hour in there was pretty worthless. I checked in with Kate, hoping today would be the day we got to have our meeting, but Eileen had gone home sick, so we talked quickly, and I went to my room. I told Claudia (with her ADORABLE new haircut) about how Claire had cornered me and told me we have to test E a bit for the meeting on Thursday (after we just told him ‘no more tests rest of the year!’ SHIT).
So I went to the staffroom to copy tests from the math text to have E answer a few questions tomorrow to see where he’s at. I’m copying while Cynthia (ENC’s teacher) comes in to tell me that ENC told her mom that she was feeling overwhelmed and that the work I’m giving her might be a little too hard. It wasn’t said as a criticism of me, and it wasn’t mean, and it’s hella important to know, but considering all morning I was being criticized in some way (even Claudia joking about how we never have SS so my unit has gone NOWHERE, and then Kate and Eileen’s complaint about being 5 minutes late), it was apparently too much. I went to the café, stayed a grand total of 2 minutes, and then walked out and headed into our break room and cried for a good 10 minutes. I pulled myself together briefly when E came into the room to get the basketball, but I wasn’t ready to face kids. Claudia came in to hug me and tell me I was actually doing an excellent job even if I felt really beaten and ineffective. “Not many people could do half as good a job as you do their FIRST year teaching”; but I still have such high standards for myself and I put a lot of pressure on myself…I know this is probably ridiculous, but it’s truth.
We decided to go outside. E and A were playing together (SO cute and needed). ENC and I had an honest chat, but she was upset about a girl at recess telling her she was bad at kickball because KC (one of her bros) is bad at it, so that coupled with my talk made HER cry which almost made ME cry some more. And then for our art period, A had a huge tantrum, laid on the floor for 15 minutes, and drained the last bit of my energy. Was able to turn it around near the end, back to the 11-year old I know and love, but wow; hasn’t had that bad an art class in a LONG time.
Is today over yet? I am EXHAUSTED and I still feel really weepy. I'm a crier, definitely, but today just felt different. It's only the 2nd or 3rd day that my job has been the source of my tears, which is impressive for me, but... I'm okay if today is the last day I cry about school for the 2008-2009 school year. More than okay. I think I'd actually pay for it.
I haven't had time to do anything I enjoy doing. Such as theatre, painting, drawing, writing, walking...
I'm spending all my time trying to complete assignments for other classes. I never do well on them, but I try my best. People say well that's all anyone can ask for, but obviously not. My best hasn't been good enough since grade 9.
I don't even want to try anymore, knowing it will only be criticized to death. Yes, to death. Torn apart until there's nothing left. My hard work, with no diamonds, not even rubies or sapphires, among the ores. All rubbish. Useless waste.
And I want to do theatre, but I honestly, seriously, fear, that I will never be good enough. I tried out for at least 7 shows at a theatre near me, and I got into 2. One was good, the other I wasn't even a real character, and was supposed to be one of the 30 merry men, of which the rest were young children. It was a joke, so I said I didn't have time for it because of school.
And this girl I really dislike, she always gets a part. She goes to my school now, and she got the lead in the musical. I was going to try out for the musical, but I knew I wouldn't have the time to dedicate, and still be able to do my schoolwork.
I don't know if I'll ever be good enough to do any of the things I want to do.
I'll probably have to settle for some office job I hate, like so many people.
I don't even like theatre class right now. I don't like the play we're doing, nor do I like the idea of having mini-scenes.
I hate every class in school right now, and I'm not doing well in any of them either.
I guess everything in life is pretty bad right now.
I'm trying hard to think of the good things, but I don't find many... I guess I hang out with friends more, and I have a camera to capture the memories. That's good. That's about it.
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