Ex-girlfriends @ MindSay

so i made this video yesterday n i meant to post it before i went over to jackie's for the night, but the software that allows me to upload videos off my camera was being a dick n i didn't have the time. i'd write a little more about what me n albert talked about, but right now i'm pissed off about something else that i'll probably just post in another video because i'm a lazy ass.

some highlights i guess tho are that we talked about how we've both noticed this pattern that keeps happening: we'll talk, things will be better for a while, then something happens, things go to shit, n then we talk again. n we both agree, it really sux. the problem is that i really wish him and i could hang out again n have the types of conversations we used to have again, not just from when we were dating but before that, too. things like our philosophies on life n the way we see the world n stuff like that. its just that apparently cyn is still really jealous that there were things me n albert could do that she just couldn't. i didn't ask if albert meant that psychologically she just couldn't do it, or if physically she couldn't. i dunno, i just thought she'd be over that by now.

that n she came by a couple of times while me n albert were talking. once she kissed him before she left, n that didn't hurt as bad as i thought it would, but then again i also rolled my eyes n looked away. (seriously, fucking bitch didn't have to do that n she knows it bothers me) the second time, tho, she just wouldn't leave n i knew we were going into a stand off- who was gonna get tired first n leave. it was her, (w00t for me!), but when albert came back i asked him if he got chewed out n he said, "kinda."

later on when we were talking about how emotionally draining this pattern has been for him, he brought up that, "once i leave here, i'm not done." n its because he goes home n cyn plays 20 questions to find out wtf we talked about. i don't see why she still does that when all three of us kno that when messages go thro albert, they don't always come out the right way. fuck, albert said another thing that bothers cyn is related to not being able to let go, n for the sake of not getting things wrong, (which is why that's all albert told me in the first place), i didn't ask him to clarify if its because i can't let go of him, the pain they've caused me, or if its because she can't let go of her jealousy.

but yesterday, for the first time, i was honestly terrified of what was going to happen n what conversation they were going to have when he got home, cuz she thought he was gonna be home by 1:30 n he probably wasn't home until 3:30 or 4:00. she even walked by one more time after that, n she actually had the audacity to smile n wave.

n i guess he came by this morning before he left for work. when i got home this morning i was so pissed that i wanted to call him just to vent...but right now i actually need to catch the bus so i can do some homework, so i'll get to that shit later. besides that, i'm sure its gonna get worse before it gets better like shit always seems to do...

today was the first day i signed on myspace in a couple of days because i wanted to save any anxiety or problems that might arise from talking to cyn until after i was done with the class project that was due yesterday. i figured that any resulting anxiety would be enough to help keep me awake on the way to the conference today.

You asked me to not go to the BSS building when you are there. Is that correct? If so, I will not agree to that. I think that asking me to not go see my teachers (who are ALL in the BSS building) during thier office hours just because you are tabling is a bit ridiculous. But I can understand you not wanting me to hang out in front of the BSS building while you are tabling. That I can do. If it is correct to say that you don't want me "hanging around" the BSS building when you are there, then I will agree to that. I will go the BSS building when I need to regardless if you are there. I will not hang around the BSS building when you are.

And yes, of course I'm going to tell you to see your psychologist. You need to. You were suicidal, that was my main reason for referring you to a professional before. Now, you are having major PTSD issues (apparently, I don't really know first hand), which says to me, "I need help." If you had a friend with huge life and PTSD problems, I'm sure you'd tell that person to see his psychologist too.

she had also sent me another message that was simply titled, "good bye," which kinda freaked me out at first.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've decided that what is best for both of us is the end of any relationship between you and I. You can't stand seeing me or hearing about me, going places we've been together, etc. I'm tired of you projecting your problems upon me. I am not the reason you feel bad, and I am not going to let you make me feel as though I am. You are an unnecessary addition of anxiety in my life and so, this is good bye. I hope you find the help you need to get through your problems. Good luck with the rest of your life.

i have a few things to say to both of these, (especially all this crap about having some sort of relationship with me when she's the one that looked me in the eyes outside gist hall about a month ago and said the words, "we're no longer friends"), but since she deleted me as a friend, i can't send her messages. the only reason i hadn't deleted her yet was so i could check up on her n see what she was up to, laugh at her misery, etc., even tho i know that's not healthy for me. i did the same thing with raver jimmy at first, too. besides that, apparently my ride is here, (5 minutes early! never happens!), so i need to scramble to finish getting ready. i'll be back sunday night.

oh, n of course albert hasn't been on since monday. i'm really starting to wonder if the only reason i haven't moved on isn't just because of what we had, but cuz i kno i won't find better. seriously, is this all u got, guys?

mike owes me a grand total of $184.25. stephanie owes me $66.25. mike is telling me that i might not see the money from either of them ever. if i don't get paid, i'm canceling both suddenlink- cable AND internet- and pg&e n they can both figure out who's name to put the account under. i don't care, i can live without internet, i'll just have to spend a hell of a lot more time on campus. i don't care, i can live without power. its scary, sure, but i'm not doing this fucking bullshit anymore. i'm pretty sure they're both gonna move out n if mike isn't, i'm going to ask him to n give all the reasons why. i just keep telling myself its only a few more weeks n i'm gonna be gone for four days at the end of this weekend. i really need to stop putting off having that fucking conversation, tho.

saw albert today. he asked how my trip was n i told him that it was good n how proud i am of my brother n how sad i am that i can't show him the videos that i took because he's not gonna know who my brother is unless i watch them with him. he was just like, "yeah, that'll take some arranging..." i then told him about the five page conversation i had in my backpack about why he shouldn't have said a damn thing to cyn, n he was like, "well i had to tell her something." "I wonder why you felt the need to." "because as soon as i saw her we got into a fight." he didn't tell me what he told her, but i'm sure it was none of her fucking business. seriously, that bitch just needs to fuck off n die. after that we just talked about the summer a little n how i kinda wanna meet w/ albert again next thursday at the same time we did this week, only maybe not talk for so long, because i don't think we're tabling next week n i don't kno when i'm gonna see him again. that wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't for the fact that he doesn't read this blog, but he said he'd read it tonight to see the convo me n cyn have been having. i told him not to tell me that cuz then i'm gonna check, see he hasn't been on n be sad, but he insisted he would. (i see that he has been by, but that might just mean he clicked over here just so it showed up that he did, or maybe he did but he only looked for n read the posts that had me n cyn's messages in them) i guess cyn called him while we were talking n he had to go cuz he was supposed to meet up w/ her, (of course), n i finished telling him that i was worried about the summer cuz i'd never seen him n then we hugged each other "bye." as i pulled away from him i saw cyn walking up outside over his shoulder n i just said, "she's comin!" we said bye then n i paid attention to tabling n he went off w/ her n did whatever they needed to do. its such fucking bullshit...

but yeah, now i need to go to the bathroom n get back to campus to work on my stats homework that's due tomorrow, then i need to come back here n work on the paper for my project that's due wednesday. i hope cyn doesn't get butthurt i if i don't check my myspace for a few fucking days cuz i have school shit to do. (i kno right, so i shouldn't be on here but i go crazy if i don't get some of this shit out! crazier, i mean) that n sean is supposedly coming over tonight finally. if he is i'd better still fucking be in the mood, another reason i'm avoiding myspace n the possibility that i might have gotten something from cyn, but maybe she just didn't respond. i'm just wondering what they both had to do at 11:00 that was so fucking important that she felt the need to walk to the bss n get him if she knew i was tabling there n if she doesn't want to be a further source of stress for me...hmm?

i checked my myspace n actually had two messages from cyn, altho they weren't bad as i thought they would be:

For the psychologist thing, I can see how you would feel that it doesn't mean anything coming from the person who allowed you to go back to the state of depression and misery you were in prior to our relationship. But that doesn't mean it's a choice that should be avoided as it would certainly be very helpful in this time of distress. I feel that yes, I am the reason you feel like shit right now, but you also felt like shit before you dated us. So you have only just changed the main reason why your "life sucks." I am not trying to avoid the situation. On the contrary, I am facing it. I have my problems in regards to the relationship to work out, just as Albert has his, and you have yours. If I really cared, wouldn't I do things that would help you to face your inner conflicts rather then do things that let you avoid the conflicts, choices, and growth you have to make? Yes, in excess, that would not be helpful. But I have done nothing since the breakup to attempt to harm or make you feel worse in any way. That means that the problems you are currently having with me, are not my problems that I should fix, they are your problems that you have to face.


So what I got from your message is: If I truly cared about not being the source of your anxiety, I would not hang out at the BSS building at all, ever (when you are there). I think that you are saying that I am being inconsiderate by keeping my right to see my teachers at any time I want, or waiting for Albert after he gets out of class. You make it sound as though if I am intentionally hanging around places you are, just to anger you, or in spite. But in reality, I have only sat outside the BSS once since we've broken up. I did not know you were going to be there, and I didn't even know that it would be a problem, considering that when I entered the BSS building to go see my teacher you and I talked. It's not like I'm going to now spend all my time over there because I know you are there. I am going to go to the BSS building when I need to talk to my teachers (all my teachers this semester have office hours in BSS).

I hope you do not take this message as being harsh or "inconsiderate" I am just stating my case as you have stated yours. I do not mean to insult or aggravate you. Although I can see this conversation as something that can exacerbate your anger towards me, that is not may intention. My intention is to work through the problems and eventually get back to the place where you and I feel comfortable saying hi to each other without and awkwardness or triggers.

i was honestly expecting some crap about how immature i am. the next message she sent wasn't too bad, either.

oh and I forgot to add that if you don't want me knowing the details about your personal life or problems, then you should probably find someone else to confide in than Albert.  Because what we share with each other isn't going to change either.

And I have a question.  From what I've gathered, it seems that you would prefer if I didn't come around you at school.  Does that mean that when I do see you I should avoid you?  Or is it still okay to wave and say hi?

it hurts a lot to hear her tell me that i can't trust albert n it makes me wonder if he's told her anything else. i wrote:

i guess that if we see each other its ok to say hi.

i wish i could explain clearer to u what my problem is with u  hanging around while i'm around. yes, it was only once. the thing is, i feel like this is the same dumb shit that's always happened every time u n i have talked since u decided to make albert break up with me: i have a problem, u ask me what's wrong because ur "concerned" n want to kno what to do to help, n when i tell you, you're completely unwilling to do it n u just tell me to see my psychologist. is this one thing really that much to ask for? just ONE thing after all the compromises i've had to make for you? just so i have one less thing to worry about when i go to school?

for the most part i guess i don't care if albert tells u about some of the things i'm dealing with, such as my living situation being fucked up or how uber stressed i am about school or whatever, but when it comes to the things i think n feel about us n this situation, i don't think he should be telling you because 1) this miscommunication shit happens because something doesn't come out right, n 2) neither of u really understand what i'm dealing w/ because to truly understand what its like to have PTSD, u have to have it. however, albert at least seems somewhat willing to try n u don't at all. yeah, i was depressed before we got together, but since it was ur idea to have a girlfriend in the first place, which made me happy, only to change ur mind a month n a half later is why i see u as why things are fucked up for me. not only that, but i no longer have any friends because of the two of u. i spent the three weekends before spring break sitting in my room drinking by myself n playing the sims. all the plans, all the hope i had this semester are GONE now because of u backing out of what we had n making albert do the same.

i think i'm done with this conversation because if u still don't get it after this, you're not going to n i'm tired of repeating myself over n over again to get the same damn point accross.

i just don't kno what else to do. i was upset that albert told cyn cuz i figured this is what would happen n it did. since albert doesn't come by here ever really, i'm just printing out the whole thing for him to read so that there's no miscommunication n he knows exactly what we both said, n why saying something to her was a bad idea...if i see him today that is. i'm only tabling today this week n i don't think we're tabling next week at all.

ug, i hate this.

i talked to albert today. like hella. like more than i thought i would get to. i had a job interview at 1:00 to maybe get an on campus job over the summer, *fingers crossed that i get it!* n when i was walking back up the hill to the main campus, i saw i had a new voicemail. it was from him, saying he was on his way to campus n that he'd meet me at 3:30 like i'd asked. i thought about walking back to the bss building but i thought that i might run into cyn n albert if i did, so i just went n sat kinda by the library for a while cuz i wanted to see if my phone was letting me send texts now. i don't kno what's wrong w/ it, i can receive texts just fine, but i haven't been able to send them for like three days now. while i was sitting there, tho, albert walked up to me. the first thing i could say was, "you're alone." he said, "yeah" kinda like "duh". he sat down next to me n i tried to think of where to begin n i told him how i've been feeling. i told him like everything from those videos, n he then said he'd watched them earlier, n apparently he read a few entries, too, which i found out after talking to him some more. i didn't feel like i was really done talking to him when it was time for us to go to class, tho, so i asked him if he'd meet me at 3:30 still while/after i registered for class n he said "yes." i went to class feeling ok. i didn't feel perfect, still even on the suicidal side, but somethings were out now. however, when i was done i'd gotten this text from cyn:

i hear u r having PTSD issues regarding me. Is tils something u and i should talk about rather than going thru albert

so i think its understandable that i was kinda peeved getting this. i told albert that i was having issues with BOTH of them, n when i saw him again i asked him what i told cyn, told him about this text n was just like wtf? he said that he'd tried to tell her that, but i guess she didn't get it. that, n i told him that i didn't tell him that shit just to go n tell her. i wasn't talking to him because i wanted him to then go talk to her for me, i just wanted to talk to him because i wanted HIM to know what i've been going thro n dealing w/ lately n i wanted to work it out w/ HIM. i asked albert why i should trust telling anything else to him if he's just gonna go n tell her since she wasn't supposed to kno anything in the first place. it scares me because before he left i asked him what he was gonna tell her n i knew he was gonna have to tell her something because he'd told her he was going to meet w/ me n talk to me after class. i'm still scared, n in a way i'm not sure i really want to know or how it was twisted around.

but like i said, me n albert hella talked. like, i skipped my class at 4:00 n didn't got to the meeting for my group that has a huge project for human sexuality due next wednesday at 5:00. oh, and i was about 5 minutes late to the meeting i had at 6:30. we HELLA talked n it was SO NICE. its not like i walked away from the conversation feeling warm n fuzzy inside. i'm still feeling depressed n i can still feel the anxiety it me. however, being able to get out how i feel n being able to hear a bit about how he feels was really nice. will it get us anywhere? probably not, it never does. but at least i kno he knows how i'm feeling n i know a bit of how he's feeling. the problem is that i still have a great lack of trust in him, so quite a bit of it i don't believe...but i want to.

when i got home, my roomie mike enlightened me to more stupid room mate shit, but i'd rather keep this entry focused on the cyn n albert bullshit than switch to that bullshit. since cyn sent me a text n i couldn't send one back, and i really don't want to call her because i feel like i don't really have anything to say, i figured i'd check my myspace to send her something n figured she might have already sent me a message, n sure enough she had.

Albert told me earlier today that you are having PTSD triggers because of me.  I don't understand what I did.  What is the problem?  And is it something that you should be talking to me about rather than trying to go through Albert to resolve it? (we all know how going through Albert to get/relay/send messages went)

He also told me that you were upset that I didn't say hi to you in the hallways a couple days ago.  I looked at you and I waved.  Besides just a few minutes prior to that I saw you in the bookstore and said, "Hi Jennifer" while you paying at the register, you didn't even acknowledge me.  I don't know if that is because you were too busy listening to music, you didn't hear me, or you just didn't want to reply.  Then outside the bookstore I smiled and waved.  In the halls, I did not hear you say hi, so no, I was not ignoring you.

Wednesday I went to the BSS building to talk to one of my teachers.  Yes, you and I spoke, but I didn't realize that there was a problem with that.  Albert said that you thought that I was "doing it on purpose."  Doing what on purpose?  I spoke with my teacher, I knew Albert would be out of class in half an hour, I needed the car and it was parked at the Daybreak.  So I decided to wait for him and walk with him to the Daybreak since I knew he was going there anyway.  I'm not sure where your problem is, but if there is one in regards to me, tell me, not Albert.  He is no longer you boyfriend, is not there to comfort you (although I know that is what he is trying to do right now). 

Well, I guess I got the wrong impression yesterday.  I thought that you were doing okay and that you and I might finally have made to back to talking terms.  But we'll see.  I hope you are feeling better and no, I am not "doing this to hurt you."  I want to know what's wrong and right any negative impressions you may have gotten from me in the last couple days.

If this is something better resolved in person or through the phone let me know.  Otherwise write me back.  And let's keep the email civil please.

again- peeved at the lack of communication n at the fact that albert felt the need to say anything to her. i wrote:

There's a bit of a miscommunication there: i did not tell him that its because of you, its because of the both of you. i brought that up w/ him after i got ur text (btw my phone hasn't been letting me send texts for like the past three or four days) n he said that he'd tried to make that clear to u too...its not just u, its BOTH of u.

my intention of telling albert this information was not to try to talk to u thro him. he actually wasn't supposed to say anything to u at all cuz if i wanted u to kno what i've been going thro lately, i'd just tell u myself. i asked him why he told u n he said it was because he thought it would make things better, but really i hadn't wanted him to say anything to u at all n he wasn't supposed to.

the thing is i don't kno why i'm triggering so badly. usually when i reach this point, there's a reason for it- overdrawn questioning from cops, learning i mean nothing to someone i love- but this time, its not like something happened before i started having these kind of reactions when i walk thro certain parts of town or campus. i don't kno what pushed me over the edge to the point that i'm getting honest flashbacks now, they're not just thoughts i can't get rid of. the fact that u didn't say hi to me in the hallway gave me the same, "well so much for being on speaking terms" impression that hearing this misinformation has given u. i spent the next hour struggling to keep myself from having an anxiety attack. i barely even remember what we talked about in class on tuesday because i couldn't concentrate. all i wanted to do was leave n cry n cut.

the only other thing i kno to say is that on sunday night i went to a party accross the street from hole-in-the-wall sandwiches by ur place, n at first i was having a lot of fun but the more drunk i got the more depressed i got n looking down the street n seeing the houses behind longs started triggering me, but i was still relatively ok. somehow, tho, i ended up ending the night crying in reanna's car about how much i hate myself because i can't get over albert. i don't remember what set me off n pushed me to that point, which really scares me, but maybe whatever it was has contributed to what's been goin on with me this week. i've also had a lot of other school/room mate/etc. shit going on besides all of this

i guess the only other thing i kno to say is just that i need my 5 minutes to talk to him alone when i get the chance. it helps me get my feelings out n it makes me feel good to kno that there is someone who cares about the stupid shit that happens everyday, like puma clawing me in the face while i'm sleeping or his fat ass turning my printer on when he sits on it because his ass is so fat. it would also be nice if u didn't hang around when i'm tabling down there, or at least give me the 5 minutes to talk to him n only him.

i don't really feel like explaining the mechanics of PTSD n i figure that if u really wanna kno, u'll look it up. basically, tho, even tho i kno ur not a physical threat to me, my brain perceives u as one n i then react physically the same way i would if i was actually being attacked. i don't really want to get into why, but that's just the way its wired now. its been wired that way since u made me n albert break up. so its not like u've done anything new, its just that seeing u triggers all the same things that it has for two months now + whatever the fuck happened this weekend that i get flashbacks now just from walking past the wrong place or seeing the wrong thing. for example, when i got home tuesday i had to immediately take the sharpies that i'd bought at the bookstore out of my backpack because seeing them in there made me flashback to seeing u guys outside the bookstore, starting with seeing them in my backpack n then looking up n seeing u guys. i'm sure that doesn't make any sense to u, but that's just the way us PTSD kids think.

it concerns me that albert felt the need to tell u anything, n i even asked him why i should trust him n tell him anything anymore if he's just gonna tell u. i also asked him what he was gonna tell u when he got home, cuz i knew he was gonna have to tell u something, n he said he'd talk about the shit w/ my room mates n "stuff like that." beyond that he couldn't say, so i'm sure u've heard all kinds of other crazy half-truths on what we talked about, but again, i was confiding in him as a friend since he's pretty much the only one i can talk to about a lot of this shit n he wasn't supposed to be saying anything that i'd said to anyone else

i feel like i told her too much personal information n that a lot of that isn't her business, but my desire to clear things up as much as possible was stronger than those reservations. the only reason she knows i have PTSD in the first place is because she hunted down this blog so she could spy on me n albert. but i dunno, i think that's pretty civil? n yea, pretty much anything else i wanted to say is in those messages...so i dunno, hopefully things won't just go straight to shit again, but knowing my luck they probably will. at least i got to talk to albert a lot more than i expected, n we talked about a lot of things, even things i haven't talked about on here yet.

when i went to go to my meeting he was like, "now i need to call cyn so she can chew me out," (in the time we were talking, he got called 3 times. i don't kno if they were all her, but i wouldn't be surprised) n i was like, "uh, i missed the meeting for my group project n i'm late for this one, so don't talk about being in trouble," lol. jackie's one of my group members tho n she'd seen me n albert talking before we had class, n i'd called her for a moment while me n albert were talking n just left her a message saying i was taking care of some shit n i'd be there asap. she called a while later n left another message saying it was ok if i needed to deal w/ shit n to call her when i was done w/ my meeting at 6:30 to let her kno i'm ok. i did n she was so understanding, it made me feel a little better. anyway, ppl were yelling at puma a bit ago so i'm gonna see what that's about n then go to bed so i can wake up early, pack a change of clothes n take the greyhound to the bay so i can see my bro in urinetown.