Ex-boyfriends @ MindSay 
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so my dumbass just signed onto myspace a little while ago to give kudos to zach braff cuz i'm drunk, n instead all kinds of more drama has unfolded. i don't kno wtf to do. maybe i'm freaking out cuz i'm drunk, i dunno. i'm so lost.
saw albert yesterday
so i made this video yesterday n i meant to post it before i went over to jackie's for the night, but the software that allows me to upload videos off my camera was being a dick n i didn't have the time. i'd write a little more about what me n albert talked about, but right now i'm pissed off about something else that i'll probably just post in another video because i'm a lazy ass.
some highlights i guess tho are that we talked about how we've both noticed this pattern that keeps happening: we'll talk, things will be better for a while, then something happens, things go to shit, n then we talk again. n we both agree, it really sux. the problem is that i really wish him and i could hang out again n have the types of conversations we used to have again, not just from when we were dating but before that, too. things like our philosophies on life n the way we see the world n stuff like that. its just that apparently cyn is still really jealous that there were things me n albert could do that she just couldn't. i didn't ask if albert meant that psychologically she just couldn't do it, or if physically she couldn't. i dunno, i just thought she'd be over that by now.
that n she came by a couple of times while me n albert were talking. once she kissed him before she left, n that didn't hurt as bad as i thought it would, but then again i also rolled my eyes n looked away. (seriously, fucking bitch didn't have to do that n she knows it bothers me) the second time, tho, she just wouldn't leave n i knew we were going into a stand off- who was gonna get tired first n leave. it was her, (w00t for me!), but when albert came back i asked him if he got chewed out n he said, "kinda."
later on when we were talking about how emotionally draining this pattern has been for him, he brought up that, "once i leave here, i'm not done." n its because he goes home n cyn plays 20 questions to find out wtf we talked about. i don't see why she still does that when all three of us kno that when messages go thro albert, they don't always come out the right way. fuck, albert said another thing that bothers cyn is related to not being able to let go, n for the sake of not getting things wrong, (which is why that's all albert told me in the first place), i didn't ask him to clarify if its because i can't let go of him, the pain they've caused me, or if its because she can't let go of her jealousy.
but yesterday, for the first time, i was honestly terrified of what was going to happen n what conversation they were going to have when he got home, cuz she thought he was gonna be home by 1:30 n he probably wasn't home until 3:30 or 4:00. she even walked by one more time after that, n she actually had the audacity to smile n wave.
n i guess he came by this morning before he left for work. when i got home this morning i was so pissed that i wanted to call him just to vent...but right now i actually need to catch the bus so i can do some homework, so i'll get to that shit later. besides that, i'm sure its gonna get worse before it gets better like shit always seems to do...
some highlights i guess tho are that we talked about how we've both noticed this pattern that keeps happening: we'll talk, things will be better for a while, then something happens, things go to shit, n then we talk again. n we both agree, it really sux. the problem is that i really wish him and i could hang out again n have the types of conversations we used to have again, not just from when we were dating but before that, too. things like our philosophies on life n the way we see the world n stuff like that. its just that apparently cyn is still really jealous that there were things me n albert could do that she just couldn't. i didn't ask if albert meant that psychologically she just couldn't do it, or if physically she couldn't. i dunno, i just thought she'd be over that by now.
that n she came by a couple of times while me n albert were talking. once she kissed him before she left, n that didn't hurt as bad as i thought it would, but then again i also rolled my eyes n looked away. (seriously, fucking bitch didn't have to do that n she knows it bothers me) the second time, tho, she just wouldn't leave n i knew we were going into a stand off- who was gonna get tired first n leave. it was her, (w00t for me!), but when albert came back i asked him if he got chewed out n he said, "kinda."
later on when we were talking about how emotionally draining this pattern has been for him, he brought up that, "once i leave here, i'm not done." n its because he goes home n cyn plays 20 questions to find out wtf we talked about. i don't see why she still does that when all three of us kno that when messages go thro albert, they don't always come out the right way. fuck, albert said another thing that bothers cyn is related to not being able to let go, n for the sake of not getting things wrong, (which is why that's all albert told me in the first place), i didn't ask him to clarify if its because i can't let go of him, the pain they've caused me, or if its because she can't let go of her jealousy.
but yesterday, for the first time, i was honestly terrified of what was going to happen n what conversation they were going to have when he got home, cuz she thought he was gonna be home by 1:30 n he probably wasn't home until 3:30 or 4:00. she even walked by one more time after that, n she actually had the audacity to smile n wave.
n i guess he came by this morning before he left for work. when i got home this morning i was so pissed that i wanted to call him just to vent...but right now i actually need to catch the bus so i can do some homework, so i'll get to that shit later. besides that, i'm sure its gonna get worse before it gets better like shit always seems to do...
i can't stop crying
even once i get a moment to breathe, i just start again. i haven't cried like this or felt this kind of pain since we first had to break up...back then when he cared, when he didn't want to as much as i didn't, back when he'd hold me when i cried like this...i seriously can't stop, even when i can't breathe, i can't stop n i just choke for air. i've already used up like a whole role of toilet paper for tissues.
even dr. sommerman could tell something was wrong with me when i went in her office today w/ my partner for her class. she asked if i was ok n i just said i had a bad day n i started crying right there in front of both of them. how fucking EMBARASSING! i just don't kno how i can mentally n emotionally get back into school or focus on finding new roomies now when all i want to do is sleep n cry.
he won't tell me what's wrong, but i know that something is. i asked cyn if she'd tell me cuz she hung out outside even tho that fucking bitch said she wouldn't if i was there because it stresses me out. "do you really want to hear it from me? i think he should tell you himself." she even said, "just tell her what you've wanted to say," n still he wouldn't. i thought we were cool when i saw him on thrusday.
n i just keep asking myself: why am i still chasing somebody who treats me the way my first boyfriend did?
when i saw him today i asked if we could talk n he said he didn't feel like it.
when can we talk?
when he feels like it.
when will he feel like it?
he doesn't kno.
you know how much i hate being ignorned and you know you're not the first guy to do this to me.
he just looked me in the eyes n said, "and?"
are you kidding?
don't do this, what's going on, albert please don't, please talk to me, what the fuck, why won't u talk to me.
the whole time i was following him down those stairs, grabbing his arm, trying to pull him back n saying all those things over n over, seeing all those ppl passing by us n looking at me like i'm crazy, every time i closed my eyes i was in high school again. it wasn't me n this boy, it was me 5 years ago on the street behind that little catholic school, asking some other jackass all the same questions and getting the same response. not just from him, but from the passer-bys, too, who i guess are lucky enough not to kno how this feels based on the way they're looking at me. i was 14, 15, 16, 17 years old again. just a little girl, helpless to another situation brought on by loving a man.
its that false hope that keeps me coming back. usually he's totally willing to talk to me, even if its not about something pleasant. he's even complained about how cyn will do this shit to him, n then he just turns around n does it to me. i'm shocked, i'm lost, i'm confused and i'm pissed of, not just at him for doing this, but at myself for reacting this way.
when i think about it, it makes sense why this all hurts so bad, but i wonder if subconsiously its easier for me to get mad at myself because i have more control over that than the black heart of another human being, even if i feel like i don't at times. or maybe i really don't n i just think i do. who fucking knows? i'm just trying so hard to get my mind off of this, but i can't, not when everything- places, objects, stuff we talk about in class- makes me think of him n what a good friend he used to be n how more than anything i just want my friend back. i was hoping that because its been a few months, that once finals were over maybe we could work something out, but i guess its not going to fucking happen.
i hate how in movies, u see those girls that have a giant group of friends that are willing to mobilize for her whenever she needs them. i wish life worked like that for me, but it never has. i've always had to fight all of my battles pretty much all on my own. supposedly i'm stronger for that, but i don't feel that way, not now at all.
i have someone coming over in 10 minutes (maybe) to look at the place, so i need to get my shit together. i'll be damned to have some potential room mate stranger come here n be able to tell that i've been crying off n on since 11:00am.
n if hell freezes over n someone actually reads this, please don't tell me that, "plenty of fish in the sea, he's an ass get over it" shit, cuz i've heard it all before n it doesn't help.
even dr. sommerman could tell something was wrong with me when i went in her office today w/ my partner for her class. she asked if i was ok n i just said i had a bad day n i started crying right there in front of both of them. how fucking EMBARASSING! i just don't kno how i can mentally n emotionally get back into school or focus on finding new roomies now when all i want to do is sleep n cry.
he won't tell me what's wrong, but i know that something is. i asked cyn if she'd tell me cuz she hung out outside even tho that fucking bitch said she wouldn't if i was there because it stresses me out. "do you really want to hear it from me? i think he should tell you himself." she even said, "just tell her what you've wanted to say," n still he wouldn't. i thought we were cool when i saw him on thrusday.
n i just keep asking myself: why am i still chasing somebody who treats me the way my first boyfriend did?
when i saw him today i asked if we could talk n he said he didn't feel like it.
when can we talk?
when he feels like it.
when will he feel like it?
he doesn't kno.
you know how much i hate being ignorned and you know you're not the first guy to do this to me.
he just looked me in the eyes n said, "and?"
are you kidding?
don't do this, what's going on, albert please don't, please talk to me, what the fuck, why won't u talk to me.
the whole time i was following him down those stairs, grabbing his arm, trying to pull him back n saying all those things over n over, seeing all those ppl passing by us n looking at me like i'm crazy, every time i closed my eyes i was in high school again. it wasn't me n this boy, it was me 5 years ago on the street behind that little catholic school, asking some other jackass all the same questions and getting the same response. not just from him, but from the passer-bys, too, who i guess are lucky enough not to kno how this feels based on the way they're looking at me. i was 14, 15, 16, 17 years old again. just a little girl, helpless to another situation brought on by loving a man.
its that false hope that keeps me coming back. usually he's totally willing to talk to me, even if its not about something pleasant. he's even complained about how cyn will do this shit to him, n then he just turns around n does it to me. i'm shocked, i'm lost, i'm confused and i'm pissed of, not just at him for doing this, but at myself for reacting this way.
when i think about it, it makes sense why this all hurts so bad, but i wonder if subconsiously its easier for me to get mad at myself because i have more control over that than the black heart of another human being, even if i feel like i don't at times. or maybe i really don't n i just think i do. who fucking knows? i'm just trying so hard to get my mind off of this, but i can't, not when everything- places, objects, stuff we talk about in class- makes me think of him n what a good friend he used to be n how more than anything i just want my friend back. i was hoping that because its been a few months, that once finals were over maybe we could work something out, but i guess its not going to fucking happen.
i hate how in movies, u see those girls that have a giant group of friends that are willing to mobilize for her whenever she needs them. i wish life worked like that for me, but it never has. i've always had to fight all of my battles pretty much all on my own. supposedly i'm stronger for that, but i don't feel that way, not now at all.
i have someone coming over in 10 minutes (maybe) to look at the place, so i need to get my shit together. i'll be damned to have some potential room mate stranger come here n be able to tell that i've been crying off n on since 11:00am.
n if hell freezes over n someone actually reads this, please don't tell me that, "plenty of fish in the sea, he's an ass get over it" shit, cuz i've heard it all before n it doesn't help.
so its back to this
here's a message that i just sent to albert on myspace that i'm sure he'll just delete w/o reading cuz he's a bastard:
will someone please tell me why i'm still chasing someone who treats me the same way daniel did? honestly now...
please talk to me. even one of my professors could tell there was something wrong w/ me n i started crying. please albert
will someone please tell me why i'm still chasing someone who treats me the same way daniel did? honestly now...
dejected
i didn't see albert today, even tho i was tabling. i got all excited n anxious, n then sure enough, he didn't come say hi. i hate when this happens, especially now, because it only makes me think more that something is up and he won't tell me. i told him when i saw him on thursday that i feel like he's hiding something from me, n he was just like, "i don't know what to say." the fact that i didn't see him friday or today only makes me feel that way that much more. sure, i kno its the end of the semester n he'd got a lot of school shit to do, but seriously, u can't take FIVE MINUTES out of one damn day to talk to someone? he's only taking like three classes n he only works saturday, sunday, and wednesday. he's got lots of free time!
n i know he's told me before that 11:00am monday n friday are the best times for him n cyn to see their marriage counselor together or for him to go to the dentist, but weren't they only seeing a counselor together once a month? and didn't he take care of all of that dentist shit like a month ago?
I really hope i see him wednesday so i can vent all this crazy shit out n get a better idea of what the hell is going on.
n i know he's told me before that 11:00am monday n friday are the best times for him n cyn to see their marriage counselor together or for him to go to the dentist, but weren't they only seeing a counselor together once a month? and didn't he take care of all of that dentist shit like a month ago?
I really hope i see him wednesday so i can vent all this crazy shit out n get a better idea of what the hell is going on.
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