Ex Girlfriend @ MindSay

I have been in a total funk all weekend. I just haven't been all right, you know?

I have been having trouble sleeping, worse then when I normally have trouble sleeping. And when I do get to sleep it's not for very long or something else that makes it less then enjoyable. Like on Friday Night/Saturday Morning I had a really bizzare bad dream. It wasn't a nightmare but just a weird dream that I woke up from all startled and feeling really freakin' bad. The worst part about it was the dream was all about rehashing bad fucked up memories of stuff I have been trying to get past for the past four years (please don't ask for details). It was the first time I can ever remember waking from a dream up breathless.

And then last night I was walking home from the same old cafe I always write this blog at and I passed my ex- girlfriend (not the look-a-like I wrote about a couple months ago, this time I know it was her). I didn't say anything I just walked past her. I didn't do anything because she was with her boyfriend. I probably wouldn't have done anything anyways and I mostly don't care. When I saw her I was standing at a bus stop and I looked over and walking towards me is Coral and her boy. I decided then and there that I would walk.

So, why is this adding to my funk? Didn't I do the right thing? What's the point, why is this bothering me?

Well, first of all I don't like that she just walked on by (ok, sure it's a little hypocritical of me to expect her to do something when I had no plan of doing it myself but who the fuck cares? I'm not perfect, I have emotions and they fuck with me alot)

Secondly, when she noticed me she cuddled up against her boyfriend's arm and kissed him on the shoulder knowing that I was looking right at them. She, purposely made a point that she is with someone. I don't care who she's with but that shit is just rude. And I know she did it for my sake because right after she passed me she went back to walking normally and holding her boy's hand (yes, I looked back I couldn't resist).

But the funny thing is, her boyfriend looks kind of like me. He was about my height and build (only he was a little skinnier then me), has the same color hair and practically the same hair style. He didn't wear glasses like I do. Ha, somebody has a type.

I know this shit shouldn't be bugging me but it is. I should probably be over all this shit but it's real freakin' hard to forget your first love.

God damnit, I really just need to get over this shit. I need to get a new relationship.

Thanks,

Mark

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse....[see "Best Guy I Ever Dated: Fraud!"  and read about THE PLAN in that same entry.  I think it was my last entry]...turns out, he NEVER broke up with his ex girlfriend in the first place!  But he told me that he did!  So his ex-girlfriend was actually his "ex" girlfriend.  WTF?!  You see, this douchebag is originally from a different city, where his "ex" resides.  That's an 11 hour car drive from where we live.  We were friends.  He said they broke up.  Months later, he and I started to date.  What an asshole.  He cheated on me with 3 girls, not 2, but he should have never even been with me in the first place because as soon as we got together he was actually cheating on his existing girlfriend! unbeknownst to me.  And now that poor girl has gone and allowed herself to be impregnated by him and had his baby a few weeks ago.  Glad I never slept with him.  I never wanted to....it's almost as if I knew. 

[if you're a Friends fan, Phoebe says that in an episode and it's freakin' hilarious]

Friday night was a blast. The ex and I drove to San Francisco for drinks and dinner. We went to "Calzones" on Colombus, which is in the North Beach section of San Francisco......better known as "Little Italy". We ordered the Calzone of course, and the ex took a picture of the food when it arrived. She always takes the camera with her when we go to the city. The dinner was excellent. We split a bottle of Chianti wine.

After dinner we drove to Fisherman's Wharf so the ex could buy some fresh crabs that she planned to serve for her Christmas eve dinner. I bought several loaves of the sour dough french bread to take up to Lake Tahoe with me. I invited my ex to Tahoe, but she already had plans, but she agreed to fly up Christmas night and drive back with me early this morning.

We had a great time in Tahoe. There was plenty of snow, which is fine if you are looking at it from the inside of a warm cabin, but I don't want to be out in it for long. We did a little gambling last night. The ex won $1,400 on blackjack which made her as happy as can be. I won $300.00 myself. We finally headed home from the casinos around 2:00am, but not before eating a huge breakfast at one of the buffets first.

I ordered waffles, two eggs over hard, bacon, orange juice. The ex had bluebbery pancakes, bacon and OJ. We drove back to the family cabin and went to bed.

Christmas day was something else.  There were about 30 relatives over for dinner. A few aunts made the traditional Italian fare, baked Lasagne, Rigatoni, Manicotti.....we also had turkey, ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry, vegetables.......and pies coming out the ass. I counted at least eight pies. There was enough food to feed a small army. I was in heaven.

Dinner was going quite well until Uncle Frank stood up and said he wanted to make an announcement.....Uncle Frank can be a pain in the ass when he has too much to drink.....anyhow, he stood there trying to get everyone's attention, and as soon as he had our attention he lifted his leg and farted really loud......I am not kidding.....he is known for doing shit like that. Aunt Rose told him he better go wipe his ass. It sounded like shit splattered in his pants, the fart was that wet.

My Aunt Rose screamed at him to sit down and act like a human being, while some of the kids at the table laughed hysterically.

What did you all get for Christmas? I was annoyed with Uncle Frank for nearly shitting his pants at the dinner table, so I sought my revenge as soon as he did it......that night I followed my aunt's dog "Corleone" outside, and as soon as the dog took a crap, I scooped up a turd with a paper towel. I went back into the cabin and put the smelly turd in a box. I wrapped it with beautiful gold wrapping paper, and topped it off with a red bow, I then wrote, "To Frank, from Santa" on it......

The next morning aunt Rose said, Oh Frank, look, Santa left you something, well go on, open it"......Imagine the look on everyone's face when he pulled a turd out of the beautifully wrapped box. Frank looked in my direction with a look that said, "I'll get you for this you son of a bitch".........LOL

I started thinking, really hard about the meaning of life. I mean, I'd just had a bout of near-suicidal depression, so I started contemplating things.

I realize the reason I'm terrible with women is because I'm still in love with my ex. Who broke up with me around four years ago, and that the reason I've been desperately trying to find a girlfriend was so that I could finally forget her. This is the cause of most of my emotional damage, but I figured, why stop there...

I have deduced the reason for my existance. And I have worked out a way for others to do the same, like I did. Imagin yourself, staning on a bridge that has no end, in the middle of the ocean, you can pick your weather, I like it stormy. Imagine another figure into this world you've made, I had a soft spot for the evil-looking-guy-in-hooded-cloak myself. And just start asking him questions. If you ask them, and have him answer them fast enough, your brain will compile his answers without you even knowing what they are. After a while, I asked him what the reason for my existance was, and he answered, "To contradict yourself."

I loved his answer. I'm always second guessing myself, and now I know why.

The reason all of this happened was because my friend George's new girlfriend bears a striking resemblence to my ex, and it made me think about her, and thinking about her always makes me depressed.

I loved her with all my being, and when she broke up with me, with some utterly beautiful wording I might add, "We've just grown so close, you've become more of a brother than a boyfriend." Please note that I'm paraphrasing. Anyway, after that, I just forgot how to feel. For a good week or so, I stopped being happy, sad, angry, all of it. I just forgot how. Simple as that. This may also be a reason for my bad memory, my trying so hard to forget her.

Now I just hate myself more...