Ex @ MindSay

4 months ago today me and my fiance broke up,
and that should be a good thing right?
WRONG
It would not have been so bad if I was not going through
my iTunes and found the folder that had all the music that
was going to be in the wedding. I got my ring out of the safe
and just stared at it...
I think it hurt me so bad because he cheated on my with a girl.

Hmm, I need some cheering up, and I know that I need that
a lot here lately, but I blame it on the rainy weather.

I can sense change in the air for me,
I do not know what is about to happen to
me, but I know its happening, and I am a
little nervous.
I hope I meet a man, someone
who totally adores me for who I am, not
the sex or the money, because since people
found out I have money they really just try to
use me, like the last one, "I would come see
you but I don't have gas in my car, could
I borrow some money from you?" Gosh, I
really do not like people like that.
I also hope it is something exciting, like
a promotion or something like that.
I felt this feeling last week that something was
about to change, and now the feeling is
so strong.
I will let everyone know what that change is.

*random moment*
I hate my ex with a fiery passion. He keeps trying to
call me and shit telling me he is sorry for hitting me,
and he is going through counseling now for it, and
he would like me back, and I was like "well thats a
little difficult seeing as I am 4,000 miles away."
Ugh people never see what they have until it is gone.

  WOW I wrote this in like September or October of 07 and it just got saved on drafts...but here's my blog entry from then anyway...

 

I don't want to deal with it again. I don't want to deal with him talking to any other chicks any way at 2 in the morning. It just makes me think he likes them, or they have this thing going on, or that they like him. I don't think it's normal to think it's ok.

   I don't think he really loves me. I think he just likes that he can win fights easily. I feel kind of manipulated and controlled. It's like if I feel someway about something, but he doesn't feel that way, then something's wrong with me. Everytime I say something he just tells me I'm messed up, I'm trying to control him, I'm weird, that I'm just trying to say Im right and he's wrong, or that I'm changing. I'm getting so tired and worn out from all this. I feel like I'm just a screwed up person or soemthing now. I feel like  all the feelings I feel are wrong or something kind of.

   I can't believe he told me I'm controling. I've never told him to be this way or that way; he's the one putting up all these rediculous, kind of unrealistic expectations/ standards on me; it's really wearing me out. It's like if I sit by a guy or a guy sits by me, eitherway I feel guilty. I feel like I can't say hi to some people, but only to others; kind of makes me feel traped or something or limited. I know in relationships you're suposed to limit yourself, but idk if you should as much as I do. When he's supoed to call me he gets upset at me, because it's my fault for not calling him, when he didn't call. That hurt my feelings because I expected him to call, when he said he would and he didn't and turned it around and told me it was my fault why we didn't talk. If i don't say I love you the right way, he gets pissed. He sounds different when he says I love you sometimes, but it doesn't bother me. If he sounds pissed or sad, then yeah I'll wonder, but it he just said it like casualy or liek he was in a hurry or blah, then I don't get on him about it.

  I don't feel like this is fair. He's allowed to say nothing and if I say it then he gets pissed at me. If I miss some details by accident, then he gets mad at me...even though he doesn't have to tell me something because he doesn't think it's important. I know if I was to text a guy often in front of him, talk to a guy and not mention him around, not tell him how late I was up till, not tell him what we're talking about, and text him when he's talking to me on the phone, then I know he'd be bothered. He thinks it's ok for him to make me feel that way though. He told me to not talk to Derek who doesn't care about how he feels,

 

im so sick and tired of remembering how i felt complete in his arms and then suddenly felt so broken and alone.. everyday of the week, whenever i feel alone, i just sit back and reminisce our past, how he made me feel so comfortable and safe in his side.. by the way, the "he" (mark eric) is my ex boyfriend.. i just can't forget how my father beated him down and still he tells my father that he loves me.. why can't my parents understand what i feel..? they just don't know how bad it feels to be left alone.. we decided to hold on though everyone in my family is against us.. we don't see each other for months and i still think that im his only one.. i was wrong... he haven't  texted me, returned my calls or even responded in all my offline messages to him for a month.. then suddenly his "girlfriend" texted.. she told me that she was his new girlfriend for three months that time.. i don't know how to react so i just called a guy friend of mine and my best friend to cry on to them, to tell them how bad it hurts.. i was able to talk to him on my cell hours after we broke up.. i asked him if he doesn't love me anymore.. he said, its not that i don't love you anymore, i just think that it's not working anymore, and besides, your parents doesn't like me.. that was the last time we talked.. i miss him so much.. that stupid bitch girl knows that me and my boyfriend is still on by the time that they started their relationship.. i just don't understand why they decided to keep it a secret to me.. my boyfriend told me that he don't want me to get hurt.. then why do such things like that..? they already knew i was gonna get hurt, they should've told me earlier so that i was able to move on a little bit faster.. now, i still think about him.. how we plan our future together and how we escape from the eyes of my parents just to see each other.. i miss his giggles whenever we share jokes and all,.. i miss the times we are together and happy, like nothing else matters and nobody can stop us  from doing what we want.. everything that i see connects to him,. i don't know what's wrong with me.. i still can't move on, though 8months has passed.. can anyone tell me how i can move on with my life..? im still living in the past and can't seem to get through.. im sick and tired of all this things...

 

thats my tragic, painful, kind of happy and bloody, yet inspiring experience with my ex boyfriend mark eric.. i hope my next relationship doesn't end like this.. im gonna make sure we're legal to my parents.. aarrgghh! i miss him so much..!!!

because if this happens again, i will not believe that love truly exists..

i hope i can forget him now..

i need to know how i can move on..

i want to know how i can be able to forget our happy memories..!

arrggh!!

 

im dying to know how..!!! can anyone tell me?

I have been inspired! I need to do this otherwise i have a dark feeling everything i want to do with my life will be lost to time and put away in my box i keep in the cobb web infested part of my mind.

 

 I am to write a list today! and keep a journal of this list to add on to later, organising my thoughts on what i want to despratly do with my life before I kick the bucket.

 

Time to get creative and hope to finnish this list, at least the more important things on here

 

Like:

 

Start my own business, win a halloween yard decorating contest , have a child, backpack across Europe get back in touch with and hopefully become good friends with an EX or two  discover an egyptian artifact. i could go on and i want to... i need at least 100 things on that list!

 

what is everyones top things on their list?

 

 TODAY IS A COLORFUL DAY