Esoteric @ MindSay

This is my first experience of a blog, really, so I don't know how to start. I've barely even read a blog before, let alone created one. I'm not even sure why I am doing this.
So, a blog is on online diary of sorts, I have gathered this much. We are off to a bad start already, as every single diary i have ever started is dutifully updated for perhaps a week or so before I lose interest and forget about it. I don't know if putting it online will change this at all.
I haven't entered any personal information, and I don't want to. I'm not doing this for validation, or recognition, or to fill a void that's missing in my life. I won't advertise it anywhere. I won't even acknowledge its existence to anyone.
Obviously I'm not going to give my name, or my exact location, or anything like that. To date I have managed to avoid showing up pretty much anywhere in search engines and I would like to keep it that way. I haven't even used any of my previous online aliases in setting this up, so I have started with pretty much a blank slate.
Due to the above I'm sure that this won't be read by anyone, so it seems rather pointless introducing myself at all. But I guess there is some sort of comfort in following the traditional, so I will describe myself as much as I am able.
My name is good dog. I am in my early to mid twenties. I live in a semi detached house in england somewhere. I work in an office, in administration. I am single. I am a smoker, but not really much of a drinker. I am of average height, and average weight. I like music, and computer games, and films, and sport, and various other things that other people like. I am human. nice to meet you.
So, introductions over. I guess the overriding feeling I have at the moment is that of being overwhelmed - I think I have a lot to say but I don't really know where, or how, to start (to prove my point, I think I have been sat here for ten minutes wondering where to go next).
I guess I started this blog because I'd like to think that this will help me sort through my thoughts and give me some vague sense of organisation. I am a very solitary individual, I don't actually discuss my thoughts and emotions with anyone else "in real life" (god i hate that phrase), so why not throw it on a random page on the internet and cough out another few strings of 1s and 0s onto the already overcrowded internet?
On one hand, I'm not exactly a hermit - I work five days a week, 9 to 5. I have what I suppose you would call "work friends" - people I generally get on with at work but don't really see outside of it. I have a couple of friends from my school days that I see very, very occasionally. But on the other hand, I am far, far from what you would call "normal" by an average persons standards. The vast majority of my time is spent in my house, either here on the internet in my study or in my bedroom reading (and failing horribly to master french). I don't like "going out" - I despise clubs (and kind of dislike pubs since the smoking ban), I hate being drunk beyond a certain point, I am plagued by fear and self-doubt whenever I am not in familiar surroundings. And besides that I don't really know enough people to do normal people's things very often anyway.
My life is a story of wasted potential, sloth and apathy. I am reasonably intelligent, and yet people with far less natural ability will always be more successful than me because they want it more, and apply themselves. I find it hard to really care enough about something to achieve anything. The things I really want I am too scared to pursue because I fear rejection and ridcule. I am a failure.
And yet, I don't despise who I am. I really, really like me. To explain,  I hate the circumstances of my existence (although I acknowledge that it is ultimately my own doing) but I like my own character. I have many failings, but I have many good qualities also. I am, in the natural order of things, a decent and good human being. I have the capacity to love, and to empathise, and I can be warm and generous. I am proud of who I am despite the fact that I am nothing.
I think I've said enough for now. This ais already a huge wall of text as it is, so I guess I will break it off for now and return later with more rambling thoughts.

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Well on the subject of dreams- which nomad made me start to think about- as I have also thought about posting before school. Well here is how it goes.

 

Started out hanging out with mallory at various locations and we kept moving around for some reason. Well anyway at this one location near a stream with a big Tree, I think willow, and a bunch of people standing around and I was talking to mallory. And something about Talking Heads occured and I mentioned that I liked them to a great extent. Well Mallory's sister (which I do not know what she looks like or even sounds like) exploded at me from where she was at (a couple dozen or so yards). She yelled- roughly- "Just stop it right now... you and your esoteric Egghead antics" continues... "(something something) and your crazy hair! What are you trying to do some crazy (either david byrne or one of the guys from the B-52's) hair style here?"

      As flattering as this may be my own mind is insulting me in my dreams! Can anyone elaborate on this for me?

Well on the subject of dreams- which nomad made me start to think about- as I have also thought about posting before school. Well here is how it goes.

 

Started out hanging out with mallory at various locations and we kept moving around for some reason. Well anyway at this one location near a stream with a big Tree, I think willow, and a bunch of people standing around and I was talking to mallory. And something about Talking Heads occured and I mentioned that I liked them to a great extent. Well Mallory's sister (which I do not know what she looks like or even sounds like) exploded at me from where she was at (a couple dozen or so yards). She yelled- roughly- "Just stop it right now... you and your esoteric Egghead antics" continues... "(something something) and your crazy hair! What are you trying to do some crazy (either david byrne or one of the guys from the B-52's) hair style here?"

      As flattering as this may be my own mind is insulting me in my dreams! Can anyone elaborate on this for me?

I've talked about how I really like author Christopher Penczak's work in a post before, and tonight I happened to come across a podcast which featured an amasing interview with the him. If you click the link it'll take you to the website. Scroll down to #16 - Christopher Penczak - does Shadow, you can listen to it there. (If you do listen to it I'd advise you to skip through the beginning bits. The host actually reads the show instead of just talking, which annoys me, but if you aren't annoyed by it and want to hear what he has to say, then listen to the whole thing, by all means.)

I usually don't share this kind of stuff, but I think this is such an interesting and informative interview that touches on so many topics which aren't only interesting and beneficial to pagans and witches, but anyone interested in spirituality/religion/science as well. I think all of us could learn from these things, despite our differences in religion/spirituality because it deals with basically having control of our lives, and from a real, scientific view, not just faith.

As I mentioned, he touches on a lot of interesting points in the interview. One thing that really struck a cord with me was when he talked about his view on karma. Personally, I've had this struggle with the idea of karma in the back of my mind. I've never thought about it too much, though, and it remained valid in my mind. Even though, something always seemed to be askew in the explanation of the philosophy of karma and I was never able to put my finger on it, so I wrote it off and forgot about it.

But Penczak hit in right on the nail in this interview. The first thing that I liked was how while he was talking about something, he used a phrase saying something along the lines of how people "draw difficulties to them" rather than saying "things that happen to people." Deo (the host of the show) asked him about what he meant by the idea that people draw up their own experiences. He asked about someone getting hit by a bus, how we would use the same logic to explain that. Penczak responded by saying that this is where many believe karma comes in, and he explained his view of karma. He said he sees it not as a system of reward & punishment (this is where my own problem with it lied). When we say "good karma" and "bad karma" we are putting it in either category because it is either something we like or something we do not like. But karma is just a law of physics, like gravity. See what I mean now by how I love his more scientific take on things? My problem with karma is now resolved. heh. It's all in perspective, really. And if you look into quantum physics at all, you'll see how this all makes more sense scientifically. The idea that we create our own reality.

I also mentioned in the other post that I like his approach to witchcraft. Not just in how he looks for validity through science, but also how he sees the importance of learning to work with and understand the esoteric of it before getting into the exoteric things like ritual and magic and all. Of course this all incorporates the esoteric too, and balancing the two is what is to be learned, but you can't even start learning about the exoteric practices and expect to have a true appreciation for it until you undrestand the inner worksing. That means working with ourselves.

Personally, I'm not too big on magic as it is often thought of in the community. I don't mean that I don't like it or don't believe in it, because I do. But I have said before that I actually don't perform ritual magic much at all. By this I mean that I won't ever do an elaborate spell to get a laptop (however badly I would like to have one...) or a car or lots of money. I wouldn't even do a spell really to make big chances in myself, which is what many who don't do spells for material things do spells for instead.

The reason is that I think the whole point in doing spells is to get in touch with the Divinity within us and focus it towards an intent. That is what we are doing, no? The key part of that is getting in touch with Divinity. We believe that the Divine is within everything, including each and every one of us. So I think instead of jumping into doing spells for everything, one should instead work on getting in touch with that Divinity within and staying in touch with it constantly, or at least having that connection readily available so we can access it instantly when we need it. When you are in constant contact with that part of yourself, what is the use of spells? There is no use for it, really. You already have a clear intent, you already realise what is best, you already are drawing to you what is best because you have connected to that infinate Divine source of truth and wisdom. This is by no means an easy task, though, of course. But it is this task that I chose to focus on rather than the task of perfecting my ability to write perfect spells.

I'm not belittling the meaning or importance of spells, because I have often turned towards it as an option to handling things in my life, but very seldom am I not able to find an alternative to handling it. I know a lot of witches would argue me this saying, "of course we need to find solutions and work towards developing the intent in this world, but spells serve as a way to push it forward." I agree. But I guess what I'm saying is that personally, magic just isn't something I see as a solution to everything. Small acts of magic like charms, affirmations or charging of objects are things even I use regularly. However, I preffer to simply use the power of my pure will and mind to deal with other things. That's just me and what works for me - what works for others works for them. In either case, the importance of clear intent can not be stressed enough.

Like I say in the other post, what I really appreciate is his scientific approach to witchcraft. I mean, we know that witchcraft is a science amongst other things, but I like the way he really embraces science and brings it into witchcraft instead of doing like so many others do: looking at witchcraft alone and saying whatever is, is just because it is logically. In the past I have to admit that I've been erked by the way that some people only use logic in witchcraft and say, "well, it works in theory, so we'll use it" and call that being scientific. I came across Penczak and his books that gave a voice and explained these ideas I had been struggling with on my own. I realised I wasn't so out-there in my ideas afterall and having these ideas and objections did not make me any less of a witch or Wiccan.

Anyways, I really enjoyed the interview and I'll probably listen to it again a few more times just to fully comprehend everything he said (I'm kinda slow... heh.). It was nice to hear someoen else saying these things and giving voice to them, because usually the only voice I hear on these topics is my own voice, in my head.

Goodnight Everyone.

Peace Love & Respect
-Liv-