Entry @ MindSay 
first
Hello, world! I can't talk to much right now, because I'm supposed to be babysitting, but I thought I'd write a quick entry. 
Right now I've got to go outside and watch Thomas in the sandbox. I'm taking him to the park later. Expect an entry later!
uhhhhh,
this is sort of a first time thing for me.
i have never really posted a blog and i dont know how to start.
:D
im an aussie and im loud and probably a little over-confident.
im in a relationship and its going great.
im bored and wanted to do this.
and i am in love.
i play sport cause its the best thing in the world.
ill probably get used to this.
might not.
ill start to vex my feelings eventually i spose.
welll , ta-da.
this is it.
this is my first blog.
anyone proud?
:)
withlove.
Only one more after this... told you the journal didn't end up amounting to much.
Monday, January 14, 2008
The decent, civil conversation from Saturday, the tentative kindness and reluctant but comforting embrace, what I thought might be a step in the right direction all fell apart again yesterday.
I tried to start a conversation in the spirit of what was said on Saturday, to expand on that and try to bring her closer again. But suddenly, all the blame was being placed on me again. I'm not saying I'm not to blame, I know I have things to work on, but the difference in her attitude, her outlook, from Saturday to Sunday was like night and day. I got frustrated, I got angry. I didn't mean to, didn't want to, but it happened. And, I don't mind. I think she needed to see me show some anger. She needed to hear some of the things I had to say. But, she didn't like it. As soon as the discussion gets difficult, as soon as she loses a little bit of all the control she's had over the whole situation, she tries to walk out the door again. She needs to be talking, we need to be communicating, but she can't do it. I don't know who she's talking to. She barely talked to E, she won't talk to C after she told her she was making the biggest mistake of her life, she won't go to counseling, and she wants her space from me.
I may have said a couple things I didn't really mean, and I fear I may have pushed her even farther away, but a part of me doesn't care anymore. I'll keep trying, keep fighting for this, but there's also a part of me that figures if she's giving up, what's the point of trying anymore? I mean, I'm so lost, so confused by everything, I just don't know what to do anymore.
I don't think she knows what's going on, don't think she knows what she wants. The difference in her from Saturday to Sunday is proof of that.
I don't know, I've been talking about it so much today and going over so much in my mind, I can't write any more tonight. I'm just too lost, too hurt to go over it anymore.
One last thought.. Does she think that if I had known she was hurt and unhappy, that I would have done nothing to change that? But, I couldn't see it, and she doesn't say anything, so here we are.
Things have changed a bit as of yesterday. K came to pick some things up to move into the apartment. There's nothing wore than watching your wife move out. On second thought, there is. Helping her move out is worse. I don't know how I managed to help her at all. My hands were shaking so bad, I cut 3 fingers trying to take the bed frame apart.
We were able to have a productive conversation after all the moving was done. It left me not knowing if I should feel better or worse, though.
She basically took the blame off of me and put it all on herself. In her words, "Who really cares who vacuums the floor? If I really loved you, I'd be more willing to work on this." She's not sure she's ever loved me as much as she should, the way a wife is supposed to love a husband. So, while I feel better because this takes a lot of pressure off of me, trying to figure out what to do to fix it, it also hurts to hear she may not have ever loved me enough in her eyes. I know there's still a lot for me to work on, but this still takes a huge weight off of me. Personally, I believe she still loves me, more than she realizes. I don't think we could be together for 6 years, and she wouldn't figure out she didn't really love me. Or, she would have met someone else and realized there was a feeling there she didn't have for me. No, I believe she does love me. She says she had doubts when we were engaged, but a lot of people do. That doesn't mean she did the wrong thing by marrying me. So what if she doesn't show that she loves me in the same ways I do. Everybody loves people in different ways. If she thinks she doesn't love me as much as I love her, so what? What matters to me is that she does actually love me, not how much. Love can't be measured anyway, so why try to figure these things? If we both love each other, that's all that should matter. I'm just going to have to keep letting her know that she is everything I want, that everything I do, I want her with me, that nothing I do matters unless it's with her. So, big turn of events yesterday, but where do I go from here? Before, I could try to fix things that I was doing wrong, but now she's put it all on herself, and there's nothing I can do about that. Brings me back to what I said earlier... do I feel better or worse about all of this?
If there are a lot of errors in this, sorry about that. I'm a little drunk tonight, and typing isn't quite as easy as usual, haha...
I keep waiting. It's all I can do. It hurts, but if it will bring her home, then I can do it.
We talked yesterday. I think I'm still trying to roll over it all in my head, but there was one exchange that stuck out to me. Apparently, she's realizing it's not so much about the original small complaints (housework, etc.), but probably more about underlying issues. So now she's trying to figure out what those are. She said she thinks I'm a dependent person, which bothers her since she feels she's so independent. I'm trying to figure out what it is about me that makes her say that. Is there something about me that I'm not seeing? Is there something else being misconstrued as dependency? I'm shy around people that I don't know, is that what it is? I don't know. I guess it doesn't help to speculate. Maybe she'll elaborate as time goes on. I guess that's all I can hope - that she'll keep thinking, keep talking to me, keep bringing the real issues to the front, and allow us to do something about them.
That's all I can put down for now. It's too draining at the moment.
I just can't get her out of my head today. Most days have been about the pain, the issues at hand, how to fix things, how to show her what she means to me. But, today... today it's just her, just this longing to hold her that's gnawing away at me inside. I just want to see her, to hear her voice, to feel her touch. I've been looking at pictures of us and I just want to scream, this emptiness is just tearing at me. It's not the being alone that bothers me. It's the not being near her. There's no one that could take her place. What if I never get to hold her as we fall asleep again? What if we never go on another trip together? Kiss her? Watch a movie with her laying against me? What if we never live in the same place again? God, what can I do? There's too much between us that I'll never be ready to give up. I can't lose her. What do I do?
Showing 1 - 5. [ Next ]