Emotions @ MindSay 
love
Happy People
Happy People freak me out! I mean some people seem to be happy like all the time. It like nothing gets to them. I don't trust happy people. And I am by no means some truly sad people but is does take a lot or a little bit to make me happy depending on the day,weather and people I am surrounded by. But my happyness usually does not last. I think for the most part I am a cross between angry and disgusted or downright annoyed those are pretty much my only emotions. I blame my environment.
[Blog #134] --- Neutral --- [Wednesday] - Dianne
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Today was my last session with Dianne.
I felt really sad about that.
I took my last chance to do so - and I put the Abigail film trailer on my iPod and let Dianne watch it.
She then made the greatest comment I've ever recieved on it, and one of the best things she's ever said to me:
"BLOOD, GUTS AND WHEELCHAIRS!"
(This then later became my personal message on MSN, and then an addition to my screenname. :D)
After I'd told her about my sudden likeness to Extreme last week - she burned me four of their albums.
All neatly presented in white envelopes. :D
One thing she said to me that made me feel happy, but weird - was: "You have so much talent. You're being WASTED here!"
I like the idea of my talent being wasted. Well, not disappearing - but the idea of having so much, I can't use it all. I like that idea. :D
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Today we discussed the problem I've been having with spontaneous crying.
I'm still not sure of the EXACT reason - but we discussed the reasons behind it.
Because I was never allowed or encouraged to show emotions through my life - particularly with me being brought up being told it was wrong to cry - we think that that's a factor that contributes to it.
The fact it also occurs sometimes when I'm having sex - it could also be just another method of release.
With the excessive amount of emotions felt at that time - I'm bound to just explode into tears, right?
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I think the most meaningful session we had was the day we discussed Regenbogen Streifen.
I discovered so much more about myself that day. Ideas I already thought about myself - but they're never truly concreted until you've spoken to someone you trust about them.
Dianne even hugged me today.
It was odd - before she even asked me, I was thinking the exact same thing. Ending the sessions on a hug. :)
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When I first started my sessions with Dianne - I had to mark how I felt about 4 different things on a numbered scale.
Confidence, Motivation, Self-Esteem and College Life.
Originally, my Confidence was marked at 0.
I re-marked it today as 1.
Originally, my Motivation was marked at 1.
I re-marked it today as 3.
Originally, my Self-Esteem was marked at 0.
It still remains at 0, unfortunatley.
Originally, my College Life was marked at 2.
I re-marked it today as 4.
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Those scores just prove that Dianne has helped me - even if it only seems a little bit - it feels like she's helped me quite a lot.
There's been a lot of occurances during this colleg year where I've just NEEDED someone to talk to - so I'm really grateful for having Dianne there at those times.
I'm thankful for everything she's done for me.
Dixie currently feels:
Neutral
Neutral -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blog #134
Dianne
Dianne
Today was my last session with Dianne.
I felt really sad about that.
I took my last chance to do so - and I put the Abigail film trailer on my iPod and let Dianne watch it.
She then made the greatest comment I've ever recieved on it, and one of the best things she's ever said to me:
"BLOOD, GUTS AND WHEELCHAIRS!"
(This then later became my personal message on MSN, and then an addition to my screenname. :D)
After I'd told her about my sudden likeness to Extreme last week - she burned me four of their albums.
All neatly presented in white envelopes. :D
One thing she said to me that made me feel happy, but weird - was: "You have so much talent. You're being WASTED here!"
I like the idea of my talent being wasted. Well, not disappearing - but the idea of having so much, I can't use it all. I like that idea. :D
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today we discussed the problem I've been having with spontaneous crying.
I'm still not sure of the EXACT reason - but we discussed the reasons behind it.
Because I was never allowed or encouraged to show emotions through my life - particularly with me being brought up being told it was wrong to cry - we think that that's a factor that contributes to it.
The fact it also occurs sometimes when I'm having sex - it could also be just another method of release.
With the excessive amount of emotions felt at that time - I'm bound to just explode into tears, right?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think the most meaningful session we had was the day we discussed Regenbogen Streifen.
I discovered so much more about myself that day. Ideas I already thought about myself - but they're never truly concreted until you've spoken to someone you trust about them.
Dianne even hugged me today.
It was odd - before she even asked me, I was thinking the exact same thing. Ending the sessions on a hug. :)
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When I first started my sessions with Dianne - I had to mark how I felt about 4 different things on a numbered scale.
Confidence, Motivation, Self-Esteem and College Life.
Originally, my Confidence was marked at 0.
I re-marked it today as 1.
Originally, my Motivation was marked at 1.
I re-marked it today as 3.
Originally, my Self-Esteem was marked at 0.
It still remains at 0, unfortunatley.
Originally, my College Life was marked at 2.
I re-marked it today as 4.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those scores just prove that Dianne has helped me - even if it only seems a little bit - it feels like she's helped me quite a lot.
There's been a lot of occurances during this colleg year where I've just NEEDED someone to talk to - so I'm really grateful for having Dianne there at those times.
I'm thankful for everything she's done for me.
HUNNY I TRY...
HUNNY I TRY...![]()
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I promised to love you unconditionally
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I gave you my heart willingly
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I promised my love never to forsake
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I gave you my soul to take.![]()
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I wanted to walk with you side by side
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I wanted to hold you when you cried.
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I wanted to caress your loving face.
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I wanted your heart to embrace.![]()
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I miss your laughter that filled the air.
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I miss your smile that you'd share.
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I miss your hugs every moment of the day.
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I miss you for you were taken away.![]()
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I look for you to wipe away my tears.
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I look for your strength to still my fears.'
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I look for your kisses but they never come.
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I look for solace but there is none.![]()
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I wish to hold you once again
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I wish to dance with you in the rain.
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I wish that I could hear your heart beat
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I wish that I could feel your body heat.![]()
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I weep for you wishing that your hugs would still my soul.
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I lose my self-control as I let the tears roll.
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I miss you so much but I try
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I cannot be strong for then it is a lie.![]()
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I remain faithful to you my perfect love.
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We fit together like a hand and glove.
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I promised to love you forever throughout the realms of time
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Two hearts, two soul, one whole...Mine...All mine.![]()
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copywritten MagikGypsy 02/09![]()
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HUNNY I TRY...
WHISPERS IN THE NIGHT
WHISPERS IN THE NIGHT![]()
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Come listen to the wind's soft cries....![]()
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Like that of a mother singing to her child a lullabye.![]()
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Gentle whispers in the night like love songs...![]()
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Cast upon the wind to touch the hearts of lovers about.![]()
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As darkness engulfs the land like a mother's arms about her child.![]()
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I feel the joy within my heart as you are my light and sight.![]()
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I see the lovely angels on high as I gaze up to the sky.![]()
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I feel your love envelop me ![]()
as it ![]()
burns deep within.![]()
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As darkness ![]()
ebbs kissing the earth one last time before the dawn![]()
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I know that even though you are gone to a better place in time![]()
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That I still miss your arms around me ![]()
and your soft lips upon my skin.![]()
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I weep silently ![]()
for I never got to say good bye...so I cry.![]()
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Shall my soul lie silent forgetful while I sleep...![]()
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Listening to the wind yet deaf to love's heartbeat.![]()
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Remembering what might have been![]()
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Yet lost to what now is and shall never be again.![]()
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Copywritten MagikGypsy 5/4/09
WHISPERS IN THE NIGHT
Eating Crow but Willing To Do It!
What would you as a parent do if one of your children were constantly harassed for every little thing they did via the same gender kids as they were at their school and in an after school sport?
You would probably do what I did. I called and talked to the coach about it. A coach who is a teenager who sees nothing wrong with harassing of one of his players by the other players. A kid whose parents taught him right from wrong and who is NOT that bad of a coach even if his assistant coach is lax in his coaching of the kids. The coach agreed with me that it is wrong and the older kids on the team are a big problem and he will take care of it.
And that is exactly what I did. I called and talked to the coach about it. I even made sure to disappear for tonight's practice of my son's. I hung out at my daughter's practice. The coach addressed the issue during my son's practice and even the last bit of the practice I watched went relatively well.
I have no problem getting after my boy for not paying attention and I have no problem getting after the other boys. Especially the ones that are harassing not only my son but other players. I didn't get after anyone tonight but my boy for screwing with one of the light poles.
Again things were going good, then the end of practice hit. And the same two kids started in on Coltin. Now Colt is gangly and very uncorridanated at the moment and I am letting a lot of things go that other parents wouldn't and other parents like myself would say he has to learn to deal with. Which he does. Always through life there are people that will harasse you just because you are you. I teach my kids that.
I watched and watched as my son literally curled (no I am not kidding you-on the ground sitting and curling into himself and telling the boys to leave him alone!) into himself as the boys were harassing him. Part of it was his own fault for not listening to the coach but not the harassing part. Now the main coach was finishing the drill and the second coach was standing there with a thumb up his ass and NOT paying attention to the boys.
I did a parent no no. I blew. Instead of waiting till the end of practice and letting the coach know what I think of those particular boys. I made a scene (I am good at those). The coach started yelling so therefore I started raising my voice even more. I point blank told him to get the kids undercontrol or I would start calling parents and making his life a living hell. The coach informed me that harassing is apart of sports and Coltin needs to learn to deal with it. And I said you know I have played sports and we were NEVER allowed to harass our own teammates to the point they were wanting to quit! When he said that I blew even further and named two of the kids names and told him to get the bratty kids undercontrol.
I shouldn't have done that. Thus the parent no no. Not what I said but when I said it and making a general judgement on all the boys.
Well one of the kids I named, their mom was there. She is an ex class mate of my sisters and thinks her shit doesn't stink and she married into a family that thinks the same way. She informed me Colt was the issue here and he is jsut as bratty. She didn't know what to do when I said yes he is and you haven't been at practices, I have and I get right after him. Since the coaches WON'T get after ANY of the boys.
Well the coach had the boys come over and apologize to Coltin while we were walking to leave and I went walking over to the mom since she was walking over all pissy to the field. I attempted to stop and talk to her about her bratty little son and how he is just fine when he isn't around the other bratty kid. She had the never to tell me that I should let Coltin handle this type of harassment himself and defend himself with hitting. I pointed out to her also as she was storming away that we were NEVER allowed to behave the way these kids are on the field. She ignored me.
I talked to Coltin about what happened, my parents, my hubby, and a friend. They all agreed that I was in the wrong for not waiting for practice to end because it would have upset the kids who weren't being bratty. But I was right for saying what I did about the two bratty kids and the harassement of my son.
I called and ate crow to the coach on how I handled the situation. He isn't happy with how I called him out on how lazy his assistant coach is, that I will NOT allow the harassing of my son. Unlike other parents, I take after MY parents and will ALWAYS defend my child while pointing out what they could have done different themselves. This little sixteen year old also didn't know what to think when I said I will eat crow and humble myself to a team of little boys on how I handled the situation. I will NOT apologize for calling out the two brats, but I will apologize for not talking to the coach after practice, for making a general judgement on all the boys being brats, and admit that adults and parents can all be wrong at times. I also informed him what the other mother said I should have my son do to defend himself. And I said I don't play that game. My kids are taught to NEVER hit first. And if someone does hit t hem, put em down and do it hard. Coltin lets a lot of things go thus why he literally curled into himself. We have told him time and time again that people in general are good people but in crowds they are nasty and to be himself and watch his back. He isn't the type to go off and hit someone nor is he the type to take on a crowd of boys his age. He isn't stupid. The coach wasn't sure what to make of me telling him what the other mother said. Plus the coach was suprised that I informed him Coltin got his ass chewed for being a poor sport and to start speaking up with out moaning and bitching. He will learn the sport in time.
Thus I am eating crow at the next practice and I am willing to do it. I am not a perfect parent and I reacted the way my own parents use to embarass my sister, brother, & I over injustices done to us in this small podonck town and surrounding towns. But I am willing to admit my mistakes even if it is to kids.
What I am NOT willing to do is have my kids beat down, harassed, and treated like shit because they are doing what everyone in this world should do and that is to be themselves. I will never allow my kids to be victims to anyone especially at the ages they are. No matter if the people trying to victimize them are kids themselves. That is my job to become the person non grata as the parent. I have no problem pissing off people for speaking the truth. But I also know there is always a price to pay for speakign the truth and letting my emotions getaway from me. I eat crow.
My only goal out of this situation even if the parents ask that Coltin be removed from the team is to show these small town people that not everyone thinks their kids are the greatest. I think my kids are amazing but they aren't perfect because humans are not perfect. And we as parents are not perfect.
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