Emotions @ MindSay

The pulses pushing

Everyday

Moments and movements

The driving desires

Each second

Blurring and bleeding

The truthful things

Each of them

Goading and ghost-like

The individual instances

Elusive

Combined and not cohesive

I can barely speak, breath

For the fear of rejection

I hardly whisper a thought

 

Walking through my front door

Starts the cycle for the day

The worries, the preoccupation

Few are the seconds that can pass

With my fears filling them

 

Irrational and rational

The reality and imagined

All are worth my time and anxiousness

All of them receive them each in equal parts

 

Laying down at nights

Does not end the torrent

The night has its monsters

My sheets are not sanctuary

Nor an asylum

I've made a kind of observation that got me thinking (seems interesting to me anyway), generally when something is felt in one person, the people immediately working with them will be influenced, but in different ways depending on how that person operates. I was remerchandising at work with some others a while back, and my colleagues were getting quite frustrated with everything because displays wouldn't fit, I couldn't find things, etc - there was an obvious atmosphere of tension, and other people picked up on it - (Steve said to Colin that he could tell he was annoyed). I was a tiny bit annoyed, but more than that I was a bit frightened and felt unappreciated - and that they assumed I hadn't tried and were pressuring me, the same thing affected me a bit differently, because my main concerns were different, as an analogy the avalanche of feelings cascaded differently because the lay of the land was different.

I've seen the same thing with love too, one example being d for e (for confidentiality), at the time it seemed the more intensly he felt, the more it pushed her away and I have seen this before (on TV lol), so what one person felt affected what the other one did, but not necessarily the same way. I think one reason for that is she wanted him to not depend on her, and another being that intense 'love' can frighten when someone can't predict how the person with that feeling will react, and it can feel trapping too. Also I think, when someone falls for someone, they usually fall for the person being as they are in normal conversation, and turn into something unknown/different that the other person may not be familiar with when they change modes to express love, because you have a different situation and backdrop. This creates a paradox that whenever people enter 'love mode' they are away from what the partner actually loves, and the relationship would have to be mixed with the friendship of the old kind (that is the source of the love) to keep it going.

What would be good and self-perpetuating would be if humanity in general changed the lay of the land to love the 'love mode' of the other person, so that by expressing, they are also perpetuating it. Obviously we all have to go to sleep some time and we won't always be able to hold the same mindstate when we go to work or whatever, because the issues and challenges are different and take you away from that, however it should be fairly easy to re-initiate I suppose, just with an expression.

Furthermore I was thinking, to me love demands expression... perhaps I am demonstrating love for the people who've helped me in life when I try to express it through (trying) to help others?

Time stands still between Trent and Tori.  They sing, I feel.  The feelings I feel range in motion.  Am I saying my emotions move?  Of course I am.  Why else would they be called e-motions?  They move me from day to day, from one point to another.  Why cry or laugh unless something moved me to that particular pedestal of the moment?  There's a million pedestals just waiting for me to step up and take the feeling.  Unfortunately, I  have to swim through the waters of confusion to find the pedestal I want.  And sometimes pedestals move on their own accord and I end up on the wrong one.  Trent and Tori  always help me find the right one, the one I need at that moment.  The moment I hear their voices, I know which direction to aim for.  Taking them away from me would  be like leaving me there in the waters of confusion to flounder and eventually drown.  At least, that's what it used to be before I made the decision to share my life with Josh.

He's the one that's made it easier by putting a path of sorts just above the surface so I don't have to struggle swimming.  I'm not a very strong swimmer at all.  There's large hills and mountains in front of the more negative pedestals to make it more difficult to reach them.  I'm not saying I never manage to hike over the terrain.  I do.  Sometimes a big black bird carries me over.  I try to free myself from it's huge claw-like talons, but it does no good to struggle.  It's grip is usually too firm to allow escape.  Struggling only leaves me sore and bruised.  So, when I reach those negative pedestals, I usually have no choice.  The songs of Trent and Tori sometimes find me there all alone, but their voices help me find a way out.  And Josh's... his soothe me in a way no other voice ever can.