Emotion @ MindSay 
love
I've had this song on repeat for hours. "colourblind" By the couting crows. I love the story that the lyrics tell. A person can pretend to be what everyone else wants them to be, what they're expected to be. But letting go, forgetting them, and being ready to reveal who you truly are, not being afraid anymore. I think it's a beautiful thing.
I think alot of us try to be what others want us to be. If we're different then that's not acceptable. The truth is; anything we're not..is the thing we're taught to fear. We only get one life, we have to live it, we create our own destiny.
Ay coño! No me toques pero un poco. Venga mas cerca mija pero alli estas. Man rest in the meadows of meditation and thought only to feel the wind pass his face, the air streaming through his nostrils, and release of contentment in his breath. We face the world in front of us while confronting a world behind us. It is at times impossible for us to look down at our feet and see the ground on which we stand. At times, it is as solid as concrete, other times soft like sand, and more often a mix like mud that allows a little room to move, but still maintains immobilization. Our contemplation, at least mine, rest in understanding what has placed me on such questionable ground. I try to move about, but my feet are planted. Sometimes I have more movement and at times one foot is set free. There is solid ground ahead of me and quick sand behind and all the while the world is spinning back and forth switching from the past to the future. How am I to negotiate such rapid change and uncertainty in grounding? I look to myself and my heart as a guiding emotional logic for understanding what must be done in myself and with others. This perplexes and simultaneously frees me in knowing that I may be alone in companionship, but surrounded by evidence of meaning and purpose. Which do I choose and should I have to? Is it not possible to have both? I look to the historical biographies of great men involved in deep thought, contemplation, and resolution and they are for the most part married to their thought more than a person. If they had partners they were not remembered, yet their minds and meaningful quests have outweighed themselves and the significant interests. Some may call them mad and obsessed while others call them committed. Perhaps they are mad and should be committed. I, as well as man I believe, dabble on the boundaries of insanity and in sundry limbo, all while pursuing what we hope to be our cause. We really lead life undirected and without any real knowing of what is or should be. Perhaps this is the greatest and most exciting burst of ecstasy we can experience. The thrill ride of not knowing but hoping that we will not be disappointed. Between here and there, yet never any where is where I think I’ll always be. I have come to the idea that there is something more important than me in this world. I am not a servant nor a savior, but a humble man in search of what I believe to be a balance and harmony among man and nature.
I've always liked Tsubasa Chronicles, but this picture has never spoken to me so much before as it does now.
We see each other. We're close enough to touch, but we can't. We reach out for each other, but the touch is stopped by the unbreakable glass. Our hands press against the clear wall, so close to each other and miles apart at the same time. It looks as if we're holding each other, for a second, but we're not. There's no warmth: just the chill of the smooth wall.
I can't say if I'm Syaoren or Sakura in this picture: frankly, I feel like both.
I'm not trying to be a mopey emo, but this is something that I'm really worried about. It's something that I've always done, and I don't even know why. It never mattered much to me before, mostly because I didn't realize I was doing it. Now that I know, I realize I have to change.
There is a glass wall around me, too. Ask me a question, and I will answer. Ask me a question about myself, and I'll change the subject. It's not as if I don't like talking about myself...I'm just as self-obsessed as the next guy, after all. The problem is I can't.
I feel things very deeply. I mourn, I laugh, I get so angry I want to destroy the world. Anyone who sees me would know this. But that's all you'd ever see.
I can't show what I feel. I feel like I can't communicate honestly to anyone. I'm more than happy to discuss all your problems with you, but the instant you ask about mine, I clam up. It's not that I don't want to talk about them, either.
It's that I can't.
I don't know how I got to be like this, but I feel so fucked up. I know there's something wrong with me, and posting this in some blog is the only way I can share it with anyone. My voice won't work, no matter how much I try.
I hate this. I hate this so much, being unable to share anything with anyone else. And it's getting to be the biggest problem I've had in my life so far.
My friend wrote this poem awhile ago, and I feel bad about using it here, but it just says everything I just wrote here so perfectly:
Your eyes pierce into me
Trying to read my soul.
I push you away, I try to run
But I can't escape your hold
You long to see inside me
What I hide so deep within.
But my shattered heart can't just come out
And I can't let you in.
Patient, you wait for me
And try to scale my protecting walls.
Please, stop this hopeless attempt to climb
Before one of us falls.
-Liza Pichette
(Link to poem: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1963040/1/Before_one_of_us_falls)
There is someone trying to scale my protecting walls...but I'm afraid that I won't be the one that falls. And I want to. God, do I want to.
Love - your love;
Want - your need;
Sex - our act;
Love - our deed.
Touch - my skin;
Joy - it starts;
Feel - desire;
Warm - our hearts.
Time - moves on;
New - grows old;
We - decline;
Pale - grown mould.
Love - no love;
Want - no need;
Sex - an act;
Love - unfeed.
Touch - no more;
Shun - your breath;
Once - our love;
Cold - its death.
You provoke my heart. Random kind words that clear up my tears.
You provoke my eyes. Random clarity that force the shadows back.
I'm not usually so focused or so in need to put pen to paper, but of late I find that I have so many things to consider and to say. I can focus my energies best if I put those thoughts down before my eyes.
I feel discovered and I feel weak under the scrutiny I have allowed to be cast on my soul. It hurts in many ways to have my thoughts so openly revelated to all. But it seems to me to be a healing pain. A pain that comes when thoughts that should have been spoken long ago have festered unheard to become twisted things instead of shining as the bright tears they once were.
This year has been a year of pain, hurt, and endings.
This year has been a year of joy, healing, and new found hope.
The irony is that in all the ways I have been right in the past, I have been dreadfully in error these last few months. I have heard someone I respect very much say that I am in the victim mindset. I have heard many things that provoke me to thought. In some obvious ways I have tried very hard to push those malignant views from me. And yet, I fall. I slip back. I regress. And I am filled with remorse.
As I sit here writing these thoughts it becomes apparent that I care very much how I am viewed. I have become adept at sitting and trying to be what others wish of me. I have in some ways become unhappy with who and what I am. I love to express myself, but I have become quiet so that others would no longer address me as silly or as over talkative. I used to write, but now I write in silence and in the cloak of anonymity so that how I truly think and feel will not break thru the armor I have put up to guard my soul from the hardness of the world.
I have so much growing to do. Will I ever reach that place of maturity that I have set for myself? Or is what I see as maturity and growth simply becoming tired and worn? My parents set a brazer in my path and told me that this is what I must attain to.
My parents have long been a guiding force, even when we were not speaking. And yet somehow, I cannot seem to see past the light they firmly planted. I cannot see where the path truly lies. I don't know if they path they set is the correct one, or if I am just deluding myself. Finding your way in the dark a step at a time...I pray I have the courage this course requires.
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