Emotion @ MindSay

I find it oddly amusing, yet confusing, how somebody says, “You just don’t understand” but it seems that they never speak it from the heart. Somebody can only say words like that to such an extent before they can’t say it anymore before it eventually grows false and then everything washes away and they can start away.

It’s only those who are lost themselves that can say, “You just don’t get it. You don’t know how I’m feeling.”
I say that because most of the time, I can’t even describe how I’m feeling. When I say that I’m sad, and somebody typically asks why, I can’t snap to an answer. I can’t even think of an answer, except “I don’t really know.”

There are too many factors that could have lead up to my brutal mood swings, which have calmed down, but are still active. It could’ve been the loss of my obsession, addiction, love, care, and time that I had to leave behind the beginning of this year. It hasn’t been the same without them. I have a strong feeling in my gut that that could be why. I say “I’m over that”, and mean it at the moment. But in my heart I don’t really know if I’m speaking the sincere truth. Despite the fact that the thing I treasured for so long, for nearly three years, has been brutally awful for me – I still think. Despite the fact that I know if I go back, I’ll be damaged with scars that won’t heal, I know at least I’ll be able to feel the fake care and love that I was once treated with. That I once felt, despite the fact that it wasn’t true.

I long for something. I’m desperate for the feelings that are yet to return. That’s one of the main things I want. I want to feel safe in somebody’s arms, but they won’t come to embrace me and my tear-stained face.

Recently, I purposely trained myself not to feel. I was sick of feeling. Whenever I felt guilt or shame swamp me whenever I knew I did something wrong, I brushed it off – and eventually it stopped. Whenever somebody insulted me, I told myself over and over that it doesn’t hurt. No harm has been afflicted. And so it was. But unfortunately, it’s the same case with falling in love. I can’t even do that anymore. The only things that I ever can feel anymore are happiness, anger, and sadness. There’s no excitement, fear, or infatuation. Just happiness and sadness. I trained myself not to feel anything else, and, thanks to that, my heart is so used to that that I cannot get it back to the way it was beforehand.

And yet people still praise me. They tell me how much of a great person I am. I didn’t save the day. I never magically healed somebody. I never helped somebody who was in great need. I don’t get where they get the “great” from. Or the “inspiring”. I’m not in any way special than your next person, unless you want to count the special that means “I ride the short bus with a stick person on wheels slapped on it”.

I want to love again. I want this anger taken away. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. Not die - just fall into a sleep which means I don’t have to face my reality for another day. I want to live in my own dreams. I want to be standing there, in my own dreams, feeling the sweet bliss that rarely ever seems to visit me. I want to love and be loved. I want to stay happy without being haunted by the emotional scars that will never seem to heal. I don’t want to feel angry or hostile whenever somebody confronts me about something. Anything.

All I want to be is back to who I was before… At a time where I could feel, at a time where I was happy, at a time where I felt loved, at a time where I did feel accepted, at a time where I could smile without forcing it, at a time where I didn’t cry this much, and at a time where I wasn’t insecure.

“You don’t understand me.” And I don’t think anybody fully will until they have the condition of my heart beating within their chest.

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Dixie currently feels:

 Depressed

 

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Blog #84

Almost at a loss... 

 

 

I didn't wake up for proper ages today.

It's odd - the longer I sleep, the more likely I am to feel good when I wake up.

In effect, I was in a decent mood for most of the day.

 

I ate Sunday lunch with nana and grandad - beef joint.

Ian came round, sat with me in my room while I played Bully and he had a mooch on the internet.

His modem is proper shite, so he must've jumped at the chance.

 

He also leant me Resident Evil 4 - having heard about my recent trouble with obtaining it.

 

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I progressed proper far on Bully - managed to get from the end of chapter 3 to the start of chapter 5.

I ate my Sunday tea - piled high with a shitload of cake.

Nana got these weird bars that are like Rice Krispie cakes, only with orange flavoured chocolate on them.

 

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Then I got a phone call from Shelly - she'd been cutting her wrists and she'd taken tablets again.

Her mam had said previously that she's not allowed to see me anymore, and now she'd taken her games consoles and things away from her.

 

I was scared, knowing she'd tried commiting suicide before, but she'd never gone to the extreme of cutting her wrists and taking tablets.

She was pretty out of it - but I managed to convince her to go and tell her mam she'd tried to overdose.

 

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I had no response from her for about three hours.

I texted her several times asking her how she was, and tried leaving voicemails.

 

I got so worried and anxious I couldn't concentrate on anything anymore.

I eventually turned off my Wii, laid in bed for an hour and just cried.

 

I couldn't bear the thought that I may lose her. She's done a lot for me, and she means a lot more to me than she thinks.

Alright, she can't make me 'happy' - but nobody can. Happiness is not an emotion I experience. She may not do that, but she brings me to the height of my good emotions. Whatever you'd call them.

 

I can't continue on without her in my life...

 

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I got a phone call from her at around 11.

She'd been to A&E - had her wrists patched up with sterry strips and she'd been given medicine to get the tablets out of her system.

She'd had a psychological exam too - apparently she's not a danger to anybody but herself.

 

I stayed on the phone for about 3 hours, crying to her.

I made her cry at one point, telling her how much she truly means to me.

 

If she'd have died today, I'd have killed myself too.

The adventure of a lifetime

will come 'round for me too



I only hope

that when it comes

my adventure

will be


you

WARNING: CRUDE STUFF AHEAD.

What You Don’t Get

You knock on the door,
Pissed because something didn’t go your way;
Marching in, with bloody knuckles and tousled hair,
I’m feeling pretty down, so let’s make this short, okay?

Your girlfriend didn’t wanna fuck,
And your friends weren’t up to getting drunk tonight;
Got kicked out of the bar,
Because some little dickhead wanted to pick a fight.

Yeah, sure, I’m pretty fucked up,
But, then again, you’re pretty damn fucked up, too;
I ain’t got no sweet-tasting remedy,
For your eternal case of the blues.

If you ain’t gonna listen,
You might as well just go back home;
I’m no miracle worker,
So stop shouting at me for wanting to be alone.

You never realized,
How narrow-minded you actually are;
I can’t help you,
Mend your wounds and stitch your scars.

Stop hatin’ on the world,
It gets us nowhere;
Stop holding grudges on the innocent,
When you really should be blamin’ you and your own affairs.

I care too much,
When you can’t give a fuck;
Empathy is in my nature,
Well, I guess ignorance is in yours.

I tried to help you once, twice, a third,
I can say that I tried;
Well, dear, the problem ain’t me,
The issue is that your heart withered and died.

Stop complaining that I sound like a bitch,
I’m being open and honest, I’m gonna tell the truth;
You came to me, so that’s how it’s gonna be,
Hey, I’m not the only one who’s acting uncouth.

I know, friend, I sound like I’m smart,
It’s past experiences that have made me that way;
But I’ve offered all I can,
And now there’s nothing left to give.

Now, get out of my face,
With your skin toned red, and breath of stale cigarettes;
Turn around, close the door on your way out,
We both know this ain’t over yet.

Yeah, seeya fuckin’ next time…

I can’t really complain,
It happens often, every now and again;
People knockin’ hard upon my door,
Wanting me to take away the pain.

They don’t know how lucky they have it,
What they don’t seem to understand, what isn't clear;
Is that it takes everything in me,
Just to make myself believe that I can feel.

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Emily G. Fieldus
March 16th, 2009

A request from my new/not-so-new friend Bonnie. This was shorter than I planned it out to be. Personally, I don't like it, but hey, it was something I wanted to accomplish. And I did. So, Bonnie, here's your boot - even though how awful I think it is. =P
...Oh, great - now I gotta think of a topic to suggest. Errrm... I dunno, love? XD Hey, it's something. My mind is turned off. :P

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Movement. It’s a simple word in today’s society that nobody needs to pull a dictionary out for. Simply, the action of physically moving your joints and limbs. Anybody can figure that out. But behind every word, is a door that only those with an imaginative mind can discover…

Movement. Yes, it’s a word associated with physically moving. It's running to the finish line. It takes a big part in the art of dancing. It's a life-impacting action that can affect millions, like Terry Fox did.

But doesn’t this word serve many more meanings other than the one it was first meant for? Instead of physically moving to get somewhere, maybe 'moving' is in reference to achieve something. Like a dream you've wanted to bring to life for the longest time. Like receiving that A on your test, or getting that job you've always wanted.

Movement. Nobody ever said it had to be physical. Maybe movement to you serves a different meaning. Maybe it's emotionally instead of physically. Maybe movement to you is the struggle to get out of bed every morning. Maybe it's the battle to conquer that haunting eating disorder. Maybe it's the pain you have to endure to get over the loss of a loved one. Maybe it's the battle to say no to the choice to decorate your arms with the sharp teeth of a steak knife.

Movement. It's using yourself and your willpower to embark on that classic journey to find out who you are and your main purpose for being placed on this planet. It's the determination that thrives within us that gives us the bravery and courage we need to face the daily obstacles and challenges in order to find this discovery. It's the battles we fight through to simply just move on.

Movement. It's a word that has made me press on in life to give you these words today.