Emo @ MindSay 
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Depressed -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Continued to worsen...
After my mood slightly rose last night with the parmo and Resident Evil combination - I suspected that I may feel slightly reasonable today. But no.
Today I've felt worse.
I would have allowed myself to cut my arms - but after mam told me that I might be going to get new shirts tomorrow - and she'd be there, naturally she'd want to see how they look on me - thus, making my arms a dangerous place to cut if I wanted to conceal them.
So I've had to opt for my legs instead, which sucks - because they don't hurt half as much.
Nobody is really helping.
Shelly certainly didn't help by ringing me up this afternoon hyper off her head.
Everyone else is always hyper as fuck or jolly and happy when I feel like slitting my throat.
She's coming to see me - but I can see it being a repeat of Wednesday.
Could even be worse if mam's not at work and insisting on taking me out. :(
I tried to continue DATWBSVOH last night and I only got a sentence out.
Sigh, it looks like I'll be fucking stuck on chapter one forever.
But, one positive I suppose:
Resident Evil: Code Veronica X - Nosterafu is dead, finally. And he didn't manage to poison me.
I'm onto Chris' scenario, but I might save that for when I have an audience.
Depressed -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Random Fucking Lapse...
I don't even know what caused me to get so upset tonight.
Today was a good day, up until about 10PM.
I went to my nana's, as I do.
Sunday lunch was beef, which was pretty tasty. Nana said she gave me less than last week, seeing as how I didn't finish it all.
I'd brought my DS with me, so I sat in the living room, talking to nana and working on my Pokémon Diamond save, training my monsters up.
Grandad gave me a tenner and kept palming off random chocolate eclairs on me.
I went into the bedroom with nana after grandad had fallen asleep watching his wrestling.
I laid on the bed with my DS while nana carried on with her jigsaw.
I stayed there for a good few hours, I ate tea there - ate practically all of the sausages and cucumber that nana had laid out.
Even mam was in a decent mood when she came to pick me up - she didn't actually make one off-comments, for once.
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I was even playing my favourite game - Final Fantasy VII, drinking Pepsi Max, talking to Shelly on the phone and eating one of nana's steak pies that she made for me to take home with me.
But at about 10PM, I just lapsed for no reason.
And it was one of my worst lapses, because I just had to cut myself, and neither Adam or Shelly could convince me not to.
I only did five cuts - on my upper-arm, which was a better idea.
That meant I could still roll my sleeves up, but not all the way to my elbow.
Naturally, cutting myself didn't make me feel any better.
And I tried hard not to let myself fall asleep so upset, but it was a failed attempt, and I ended up doing what I always do.
I'd been talking to Shelly about my mam - and about my childhood.
But this was after I'd lapsed, so it can't have been the cause.
It did send me to tears and probably contributed to what made me cut myself, but...
Sigh.
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I don't know how the legendary mood I was in all day yesterday could have turned sour so fucking quickly.
I think I know ultimatley what the trigger to my depression was.
I was reading over my prospectus to Teesside University. This week in college is the Stepping Up week - thus, we're having endless talks about unversity, how to apply, how to write personal statements and all that shite.
The course I'm interested in is English Studies & Creative Writing.
To enrol on it, you need 220 UCAS points.
If I end up with three Cs for my three A2s - that will give me 260 points. But I'm still doubting I can even reach that... I don't want C grades - but that's the bare minimum I need. Although, like I said - I'm still doubting if I can even do that.
The other issue is of course -the course is Creative WRITING - the one thing I'm having great difficutly attempting.
I haven't got a clue how I managed to write the introduction to DATWBSVOH yesterday. What's weird is the fact I wrote it on paper... I usually struggle a lot to get things down on paper, as opposed to a word processor. If I do end up writing anything down on paper - it also tends to be of a shitty quality.
I'm still unsure if I like what I've written but...
My writing tends to have a few stages to it, and judging how I feel as I'm writing it and after I've finished, I can tell if I'm going to like it or not.
During the writing process:
1) I'll be writing rapidly, maybe even smiling as I do so.
2) I'll be writing at a moderate speed, getting a rare sentence or paragraph block.
3) I'll be writing slowly, getting frequent blocks.
4) I'll be writing incredibly slowly, struggling to conjure up basic words and phrases.
5) I won't get anything written at all. I may write one or two sentences, but promptly delete them.
After it's complete:
1) I'll shrug, not finding many or any faults with it, but unsure if I like it or not.
2) I may find one or two faults, but I won't feel any dislike for it yet.
3) I'll read it over and truly not have a clue how to judge it because it's equal either way.
4) I'll hate every word of it, refuse to read it again and get upset with myself.
5) I'll delete it before it's even fully finished becuase I hate it THAT much.
DATWBSVOH's introduction ranked #1 for during writing and #2 for after completion.
I'm wanting to know - was it a fluke, or will I be able to continue?
If it's not a fluke and I manage to write something else pretty soon, I'm going to see if I can continue with some old work. I'm thinking of maybe putting some fan fiction on hold, continuing ahead with my original fiction.
It isn't fair - the best thing I've ever written WAS fan fiction.
Goddammned TFATH.
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Either way - I started getting really depressed after thinking things over.
I haven't done what I did for a few months.
I'd even told Dianne that I thought I'd totally stopped.
It seems not.
Now I feel like I've let her down. :(
I'm also afraid of telling Shelly about it. I'd have told her this morning, but she had an exam to worry about - I didn't want to ruin her concentration and motivation streak by making her worry about me.
I washed my jacket last night, so I've had to wear my striped jumper to college.
It's so warm here in the LRC, but I can't even roll my sleeves up...
I tried out the new carving technique I used a while ago and really liked.
First, I'll carve out my word/phrase/intials - then I'll use a small piece of metal to run red food colouring or red ink through the cuts. This stains the skin underneath and makes them stay for longer.
I'll then cut over them again once the ink has dried.
I used food colouring - it works well, but it has a tendancy to stain any non-cut skin a weird orange colour.
Last night's carving was: "FAILURE" - something I've felt like cutting into myself for quite a while.
I have to stain them because I just don't seem to hurt myself as badly as I used to. My old cuts would stay for weeks, possibly months. My newer ones only seem to stay for about a fortnight.
It just doesn't give me the same release any more. I still bleed as much as I used to - but they're nowhere near as deep. I add to the blood effect (which is what I really like to see) with the ink...
I'm really worried about what Shelly's reaction is going to be though...
Ashleigh too - but by the time I see her, they may have healed over a bit... :(
Depressed -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...Why?
The cancellation of next Wednesday's counselling session couldn't have came at a worse time.
That means I have to go from today until the 13th of May without talking with her.
That means I have to keep in two weeks worth of shite, as apposed to the usual one.
And what happened today AFTER I'd been to talk with her, that couldn't have came at a worse time either.
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I was sat in the counselling room with Dianne - telling her about my issues with my creativity, my issues with failing and my issues with self harm.
I'm not just cutting myself now - I'm starting to burn myself, hit my head on walls, bite myself and purposely triggering my asthma.
The fire alarm went off during our session, so we wasted about 10 fucking minutes stood in the car park.
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Ash was nowhere to be seen - even after we'd waited around for her for ages - so we went into town without her.
I bought sausage rolls instead of a sandwich and we sat on the black slabs to eat them.
I walked back to college holding hands with Shelly.
I've never really held hands with someone - but I really like it.
I even hold Ash's hand sometimes when we're just sat together.
I like affection, and I like to give it to my friends - people who I like. I'm glad I've made two friends who don't mind that.
We found Ash upstairs in the art rooms.
She's doing extra work to finish off her A2 certificate on Wednesdays now.
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We sat downstairs in the alcove near the vending depot.
Lewis came and sat with us for a while, waiting for his C block lesson.
Ashleigh wasn't appearing - so I went to find her.
I found her on the tables - texting.
Obviously texting us to see where we were.
So I did my Monday trick, snuck up behind her, grabbed her shoulders and yelled: "TEXTING YOUR MATES ASHLEIGH?! GOT NO FRIENDS TO SIT WITH?!" - proper loud.
Then I took her by the arm and literally dragged her from those tables to the alcove.
Not once did she touch her wheels - I did all the propelling work.
It was so fun. :)
Ash didn't even question the fact we suggested she eat from the refectory.
Then we told her we'd already been to town and couldn't be arsed going back.
This is a part I don't remember:
Shelly, Ash and Lewis all started to laugh at me for some reason - but I can't remember why that was.
I got angry, so I flicked Shelly's nose. I went to flick Ash's - but somehow, I didn't open my hand - so I punched her square in the nose.
It shocked her - she was silent for a few seconds, then she started to cry.
Naturally, the last time I upset Ash - I went home and carved her name into my arms - so I felt guilty and upset.
I cuddled her, apologising, trying to calm her down - but I constantly thought I was just making matters worse.
I couldn't cope with how shit I felt after a while though - I snapped the metal attatchment off the end of my pen, used the sharp point to cut myself a few times.
Ash said she forgave me - so I mopped her face with some tissue, squeezing her hand, telling her I loved her.
I don't understand how I was able to hurt someone I love as much as Ashleigh...
I couldn't sleep tonight - it was bothering me so much.
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