Earth @ MindSay

Yesterday was an amazing day.  I spent the majority of the day getting as pissy drunk as possible, and then topped that off with a good old happy ending in the form of shredding the earth to pieces on my bike.  I realized a few things, there's no sense in going through life being afraid of things, whether it's failure, rejection, or getting folded on a bmx bike.  You fall down, and you get your happy ass right back up. 

I sent myself over a few jumps yesterday which I'd been scared shitless of to be quite honest and after making it out unscathed I realized that I had been stupid to have doubted myself, and doubted what I'd built. 

I'll be back in the fall, so until then I hope everything goes good for everyone. 

The time has come for me to head to jail and lay my neck down for a while. 

Your mistakes don't make you, but if you don't learn from them and move forward you will never escape your past. 

I've got a career waiting for me to start when I get out, and in these times that's something to be very thankfull for. 

Without further adue, here's some pictures from the trails jam that I poached up in my drunken stupor yesterday and a bonus shot of Alex Magellan.

I figure that this is as good of a day as any to start a blog.

For now, I'm biding my time... trying to enjoy myself as much as possible while dealing with the stresses of living at home and being in high school. None of it's really that bad, I just am yearning for something different.

Anger has a tendency to hold me hostage, sometimes. Sadness too. I'm trying to uproot anger, trying to be more compassionate, trying to live simpler, trying to not hold my surroundings up to any unachievable ideals. I think it's going okay. When you're living your life in a place where you have so little control over what's going on around you, you find it so much harder to control what's going on inside your mind and body.

I'm sober; remarkably so.
I greatly miss my daily rituals of Cannabis consumption, as I haven't been partaking in the last two months or so. That's alright though, as I'm high on life.
I'm starting to see firsthand that life is a trip and I'm in for a great one.

I'm tired. Really tired.
This week has been ridiculous my Caffeine intake has been through the roof.
I just need to be alert, awake and paying attention to everything that's going on throughout my entire day... It's hard to NOT use Caffeine as much as I do.  Been trying to ween myself off of it over the last two days... Went from a consistent 500mg+ per day to a half a cup of coffee yesterday and nothing today. I've certainly had worse headaches, but this one is so persistent.

The world is beautiful.
I love our Earth, I love every season and I love spending time in the midst of it all.
We're all connected to each other and every speck of matter that makes up this world and this universe. The universe is everything that exists or has the potential to exist, the symbiotic relationship between space and time. Ideas are as real to me as anything I can hold.

Our environment is deprecating... fast.
As the cause of many of our environmental issues and supposedly the most rational beings inhabiting this planet, we Humans absolutely MUST conserve and be true stewards to this beautiful rock we were lucky enough to gain control of.

People amaze me.
Human nature never ceases to blow my mind. So predictable and yet... so spontaneous. I often zone out when watching people going about their lives, amazed at the complexity of our mind and body.

As much as I'm a fan of the winter, I'm about ready for it to get warmer.
The Sun is really, really nice.

Anyway... this was sort of a big ramble. I'll get more specific once I gather my thoughts.

Here's to the grass that grows through the
cracks of the pavement on the street find the weakness
and defeat the concete
this is your'e mother calling, who you've abused and uprooted
chopped down, bruised, polluted, and used any way you've
suited

you know that book where that Tree
gives that spoiled little kid
damn near everything he needs
limbs, branches, and leaves
while i'm hear to decree now, that that Tree is me
but now I'm only just a stump!

this self fulfilling Profit Margin
got no way to stop enlarging
Monkeys will piss in the well
where they get there drinking water from
and not even notice the smell...

you say you wanna save the planet but you
know you're Mother's planned it so that
She's not the one who needs saving
so good luck with all of your paving
but you know that youi'll be sorry when I'm...

gone just like that little punk
who cut down my trunk and carved me up
and sailed away that day i admit i really wish he sunk
cuz don't forget in the end like destiny
he sat his ass on what was left of me
and sailed off int a strip mall sea
thinking, "Now where are my children gonna play?"

so here's to the grass tha's growing throught the cracks
and claim in the name of the Mother
the other side is fighting back
here's to the grass that's pushing up high
in that pace we used to call outside

you say you wanna save the planet but you
know you're Mother's planned it so that
She's not the one who needs saving
so good luck with all of your paving
but you know that youi'll be sorry when I'm...

 

 

-sigh- i had to post this because i wittnessed another unnecessary chopping down of an innocent life, Tree. HOW many more untill your HAPPY! untill you cant breathe, untill ur children have no idea what a vegetable is or what the woods look like.. damn! cement. ugh.

This is how I feel. Honestly. Probably more info than anyone will want to hear, but I gotta get this off my chest.

I feel like I'm dying. I'm a 21 year old with the health problems of an 80 year old. My entire endocrine system is out of whack (thyroid, pituitary, hypothalamus), hormone levels of an 80 year old, oh yeah that fucking tumor in my sphenoid sinus (which comes out december 5), the hundreds of little moles that appear daily on my skin, and let's not forget the cripling depression and anxiety, drug use, and bipolarity. I could have my own fucking episode on House: MD. 

I feel pissed, angry, depressed, upset, like crying, like life's unfair, like I've lived passed my own expiration date, that no one in my family understands me or loves me, that no matter what I do it will never be right, that maybe just maybe I'm actually dead and in hell. This certainly would be a fitting eternal punishment, to live my life over and over and suffer the same fate, without ever knowing I've done it a thousands times over and without any chance of making a change. At least Bill Murray changed his fate.

Why am I posting this on thanksgiving? Because it's hard for me to think of anything I'm thankful for when all I want is to die. Sure, I have a house a bed, clothes on my back, food on the table and for that I am thankful. But what I want is a shot at life...a decent happy life without any of these issues. Maybe that's just how it's supposed to be, but is it so wrong for me to want something better? Don't I deserve a break here and there? If there is a god I'd like to kick him in the balls for a change. And if there isn't, then I only hope my atoms break apart and join the rest of the universe, until it implodes or something like that.

eh....going to cry in the shower now or something lame.