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Dying @ MindSay

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luvlynn

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There is no cure for death, but a remedy is rest.

Sooo my Gma died this morning at three. I didn't cry, cuz I didn't believe it...until I walked into her house today and she wasn't in it. Everything, and I mean everything is exactly how it always has been. Which is where I started crying hysterically. I walked upstairs to her bedroom and I layed on her bed and I cried, and I cried, and I cried. And I started to realize all of those times when she called and I told her I was busy. Or all of those times she asked me to help her after school...but I never came. This is also made me realize that eventually the people in my life are not going to be here forever.

So I stopped in to see my old baby-sitters on my way home. If you read one of my earlier posts I have described her already. She has alzheimer's and is, to put it simply, losing her sanity. I asked her if she had heard about my Grandmother. To which she said...

"Yes. My sister Diane called me. (Her sister's name is Donna, but I didn't correct her.)

And it makes me nervous, cuz I know I'm next."

weesaul

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On the turning away...

From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand...

On the Death of Mindsay...

I have been wondering if it is just me who has the feeling that Mindsay is on a downward spiral into nothingness. There was a time when the positive energy of Mindsay forced me to take an active role in its well being, and now I no longer have that feeling...

I have a friends list that grows smaller by the week, and those who have not deleted their accounts have not added to the community in over thirty days. There was a time when I had trouble reading all the new entries in my inbox, and now I can get caught up if I only read them once a week...

Maybe the community has changed and I missed its occurrence. It's possible that this change went unnoticed by me, and by the time that I saw it, it was too late for me to correct my course...

Just recently another friend of mine deleted her account. I thought of e-mailing her and asking her why, but I won't do it for I just figure that if the reason is good enough to not notify me, it is probably none of my business though the thought of e-mail does creep into my thoughts at times...

There are so many things that have come and gone over my many years on this Internet thing, so many community that are now just barren wastelands. Like the days I spent doing the IRC thing before the age of IM, I wonder how many are still on IRC. Or all the time that I spent on the Usenet that I witnessed as it crashed and burned - most is gone though there are a few last outposts struggling to remain alive. And Yahoo! groups and my group, that once was a vibrant living society and now nothing remains but smoldering wreckage. And the list could go on and on with all the message boards that I belonged to and the mailing lists that I subscribed to, but I don't have the time to write volumes on ancient history...

It has been a long strange journey that I have been on over the course of these many years, and I have a feeling that this will not change anytime in the near future...

This is the Word of the AntiCrust...

Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...

World Community Grid. The most useful thing you can do with your computer

wonderingsoul

20 replies
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The Fight is Over

I'm home from the day's events.....right now I'm not sure where to start.

I was on the phone off and on with patchesmom earlier in the day getting updates on my grandpa's condition. He was in considerable pain and they were taking him in for CT scan, etc. Right now I can't even remember much of the earlier calls, just the last one. That she was on her way up to the hospital, as my grandpa was being readmitted to the ICU. He was doing alright Thursday when I saw him!

So what happened? I still struggle with it....6 weeks ago, I remember the call at 11:30 pm. The frantic sound in my grandma's voice, asking "if it wasn't too much trouble", could we take her to follow the ambulance up to the ER. Now, he's gone. Gone. It doesn't seem real.

I'm having the hardest time putting together a string of thoughts that will make sense. So bear with me.

Over the past few days he was complaining of knee and back pain. Today he reported stomach pains, and a CT scan showed a potential bowel obstruction. They also found blood clots and air in his liver, as well as intestinal....something. Almost like it was eroding or something. From what I understand they think it was like he had a blood clot "shower" that took over his body. Basically the doctors told us that there was nothing they could do for him - that it wasn't worth taking him into surgery. That he wasn't going to make it. That it would only be hours....a lot of this is foggy to me because I tuned it out as I lost my composure.

After that news, it was all a blur. I don't remember what I sent for text messages, I do know that at one point I emailed a few people from a computer in the waiting room. I called my dad and brother to fill them in. I'll not waste time bitching about the emotionless person my brother is, and that he used the weather and gas prices to not drive 4 hours to be with the family. Once we were able to be with my grandpa, that's what mattered. Two uncles who live out of state, as well as a cousin out of state, were able to say their goodbyes over the phone....sounds funny, but the hospital chaplain suggested it. I'm not sure if it brought my family comfort to know they said their goodbyes that way, but I hope it did.

We all stayed with him the 5 or so hours he stayed on this Earth. At one point the doctors talked to us about taking him off his blood pressure medication because it was only prolonging the inevitable. After that, it was only an hour or so before he was gone. He was not in any pain from what we could tell - the morphine helped with that I suppose. I know he was there, he could hear us, and his tears were an indication of that as well. He looked so scared.....but that eventually turned over into peace. I think. It was so hard for me to watch my grandma say goodbye, to tell him that he fought a good fight and that it was okay to let go. God, that was so hard! Once he started slowing down though....it was only a matter of time. It seemed like it happened so quickly too - the slowing down to actual....you know. Seeing him as he was going, and after he was gone, was very hard for me, but I know it was something I needed to do, and I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

My family jokes a lot so there was a lot of laughter and reminiscing as he was fading from this world. We cried a billion tears it seems, and we said our heartfelt things too. My last words to him were to tell him that I love him and that he was my favorite grandpa, and that I will never, ever forget him, that he would always be with us. I know he loved me, even though he rarely said those words. I know he was proud of me, for just yesterday (!) he asked me if I was doing well in school. He was the only grandpa I have that ever showed interest in me and my life. He talked to me like an adult, we even agreed on politics! His stubborn Irish temper will carry on no doubt. Most of you have seen that in me! He gave my grandma 58 wonderful years - many ups and downs along the way, but as she told him, it was all worth it.

And it was....I hope my grandpa is looking down on us all tonight, pleased that we're taking care of grandma, that we will make sure his final wishes were carried out....but most of all, that we live on in his memory.

Around 8 pm CST, my grandpa left this world and became an angel. He's up giving St. Peter grief right now, possibly bribing his way in with his delicious chicken soup recipe, and playing the slot machines in the sky.

I will write more later....but this is all I can manage for now. I want to thank all of you for your support and prayers over the past 6 weeks. It means more than you could know. If I can, I'd like to ask you to keep my family in your prayers, that we have the strength to get through this difficult time ahead.