Dreaming @ MindSay

I had such an intense energy streak that by the time I got back home early yesterday evening, suddenly I crashed into an equally intense series of dreams.  I believe I'm going in and out of another manic episode again, but this one is a kind of creative "high" where ideas are coming at me all at once.  There has been no fluctuation with my medication, so I'm not sure where I'm getting this from.  As Virginia Woolf once said (and I'm totally paraphrasing her badly here): "it's entertaining to be mad sometimes."  She was absolutely right.  This morning I woke up at 3am and had a waking vision of a white robed feminine figure floating in my living room and I thought I heard a man say, "I'd love a banana" or "I love Anna" -- I'm not sure which, but it was all nonsense. How do I know it wasn't a ghost?  Well, there was no intelligence behind the visions, no sense of a living or dead presence, no deep or helpful message playing out for me, just my imagination on overdrive.  I've been reading a lot of ghost stories lately as part of my research for a novella, and so my ideas have bounced around loud enough in my head that they are taking form outside of my head.  That's the best way I can describe it.  It didn't frighten me and so I'm not worried about it much.  These things come and go like a feather in the wind. 

 

The Two Serpents Dream

Besides the creative overdrive, I've had some financial worries lately and I believe this was the inspiration behind this particular dream.  I dreamt I was shopping at an electronics store with my brother and his kids.  The kids were running wild but for some reason this wasn't as big of a concern as it would be in waking life.  Mark, as usual, was running up a large bill and the store was about to close, but since he was keeping everyone busy adding up his purchases, they stayed open longer for him.  In the middle of the transaction, Mark turns to me in a loud voice and cries out, "VAL!  Why aren't you buying anything?!  They've got a sale on CDs and DVDs -- they're all only 25 cents!  Go get yourself a load!"  So I go into the music section, and sure enough it's a remarkable sale, but there's NOTHING I want.  Every CD and DVD is crap.  I'm simply not interested in anything there.  I don't even remember any of the titles, it's all a blur.  By the time I collect the kids and meet my brother at the check out, the store has been closed and we find ourselves locked inside.  We're going to have to spend the night in the store and wait for someone to open the doors in the morning. 

 

Somehow Mark and the boys fall asleep in little heaps on the dusty floor, but I can't rest.  I decide to look through a small section of books near the back of the store.  To my surprise I discover two tiny serpents, one black and one red, curled up on one of the shelves.  I am concerned for the safety of my family and am convinced I have to move the snakes into a container to keep them from biting.  Like my brother and my nephews, they are sleeping.  For some reason I carefully slip a page of notebook paper underneath the bodies of the snakes, lift them up with this thin page, and then settle their little bodies inbetween two heavy hardcover books.  I don't slam the books too hard over and under them, just rest the books softly between them.  I don't want to smash the snake bodies.  I don't know why I thought sliding their bodies in between books would be a good idea, but somehow I manage to do it without waking them up and I was about to turn away, feeling confident that I didn't hurt the serpents, when suddenly they wake up and squeak. 

 

I immediately come to the aid of the snakes.  I panic over hurting them.  They are bruised and I have to save them, but I'm still worried about them biting my family.  I uncover the snakes and cradle them in my hands.  The red one in a tiny, cute voice says, "Thank you, Mommy."  The black one purrs like a cat and starts licking my left hand.  I'm alarmed when I notice that their heads are in a triangle shape, a sign that they are vipers, but when I check their teeth, I find no harmful pits to inject venom, so I sigh with relief.  These are friendly kitten kind of serpents.  I ask the black one if they were hurt when I slid them between the two big books.  It just said, "I love you, Mommy!"  This made me feel loved and wanted so much, my heart almost broke with joy.  I'm so happy and so excited about this that I want to share it with my family. 

 

I bring the serpents over to where I last saw all the boys sleeping, but they are gone.  Mark had managed to find a way out of the store and never bothered to tell me.  I wake up at that moment with a sense of confusion and that half-awake, still half-asleep feeling and I suddenly realize I don't know what day it is or even where I am.  It takes me a good twenty minutes of sitting up encouraging myself to become more awake and chasing away that weird waking dream of the woman in white before I can fully come back to my senses.

 

I walk away with a small forest of plastic plants

The feather fall of the surreality didn't last long.  I caught a bus this morning and hopped into a crafts store to pick up some spring sale items.  I don't want to give the bad impression that I'm spending too much money lately, but I've been sitting on a small windfall of cash and consider a few purchases I've made as investments.  One of today's investments was purchasing a small forest of plastic plants to fill the store windows of my friend's imports store.  She's going to pay me back, so it's not that big of a deal, however I must confess I went a tad crazy.  You should've seen me dragging three large lawn and leaf sized garbage bags full of faux foliage.  I must've looked like Valentina of the Meadows.  All I was missing was a garland for my hair!

 

Why can't I ride the bus in silence?

One of the things that drives me crazy is riding the bus and having to listen to old people attempt to hold unnecessary conversations with the driver.  There was this couple on board today who, though cute, were annoyingly asking questions of the driver, like "how old do you think this bus is?" and "do ya think we're done with the snow yet?" and making obvious observations like "the sun is bright at this time of day" (it was noon) and "it's warm today" (it's finally above 50 degrees!) and "the wind is strong, isn't it?" (it was windy to the point where my long hair was in my face half the time).  This tends to happen a lot on the bus (the old people doing over-talking, not my hair in my face half the time).  Everyone else will be sitting back, taking in the air or silently reading a book, but you get a couple of old folks or extremely young children, and suddenly the bus ride has to become a social event.  I should ignore it, but today I couldn't wait to get off the bus and had to complain about it out loud.  It would've been one thing if this couple could've held an interesting conversation, but it was all empty small talk.  The only other thing that annoys the heck out of me on the bus are the people who talk loudly into their cell phones.  It's like once someone is on a cell, for some reason they think they have to talk loudly into it.  Occasionally I've been so annoyed by that that I have to turn around and tell them to lower their voice.  Whenever I do that, I never ask it in a mean or obnoxious way, but just the act of asking someone to tone it down gets me a "fuck you, bitch" look.  Whatever.  At least I'm not on the bus ALL DAY.  I don't envy bus drivers one bit.  That's a dull job, for sure.

 

Not quite ready yet to emerge from "The Cave"

After reviewing things I wrote yesterday, I must admit that I've been reflecting a bit too much.  It's time to get outside, run around the block a few times, and maybe go out to this "weird wisconsin" ghost hunting seminar I've been debating about not going to but might go to but then again might not because, well, I don't know.  Going will mean bumping into old acquaintences I haven't seen in a long while whom I'd be embarassed to answer that ages old question old acquaintences often ask after they haven't seen you in a long while: "So what have you been up to lately?"  I always feel obligated to brag about something new I'm working on, but there isn't anything new I've been working on... lately... at least nothing to brag about yet.  I could be wrong, maybe I'm just being silly.  I'm also self conscious about 'over talking' people to death.  Do you know how that goes?  When after being by yourself for too long that once you get out to meet and greet people all you find yourself doing is talking about everything and anything, even going as far as finding yourself falling into the gossis trap?  Well, I tend to get like that.  I feel like everytime I do that I should pay people for listening to my crap. 

 

I guess in some situations I'm kinda like that old couple on the bus today -- filling the air with talk just to have something to say, even if it's really nothing much to say.  Maybe I'm not quite ready to emerge from the cave I call home... 

 

Call me Val of the Impractical Shoes and Burnt Mustache today

I wore boots today and I'm regretting my choice of footwear.  I really know when it's warm out when the winter boots are making my feet sweat too much.  The three inch heels are also making my feet feel heavy.  I know as soon as I get back home I'm going to take off the boots and suddenly feel much lighter.

 

The only other thing I regret today was using another cheap depilatory to get rid of the unwanted dark hair that occasionally grows on my upper lip area.  It's not like I have mutant hair there, it's just a slight shadow that I have to get rid of every other month or so.  For some reason I was having trouble getting the depilatory cream to work and reapplied it too much.  The result was turning my slight shadow into a red kool-aid stain of hurt.  Not incredibly noticeable, but enough to keep me indoors for a bit. 

 

And, wouldn't you know it, I run into a very handsome man today after I got off the bus.  I was brave enough to start a conversation with him, but the whole while I was self consciously drifting a hand over my mouth to hide my little depilatory mistake.  It's rare to come across a guy I'm attracted to and, sure enough, irritated skin or not, the man isn't from town, he's from Miami and about to return tomorrow.  I'll never see him again. 

 

At least my lip gloss was perfect.

I don't even know what I'm living for anymore. I guess a small part of me still wants to live, but for what reason? There's always something stopping me from just doing it. Maybe, I that small glimmer of hope that says "You can get better. There's always another way." or perhaps I actually like things the way they are. Maybe I enjoy living in self-pitty, in delusions, in scum, in a wretched world. I am filth.

I'm only happy when I'm high or dreaming. I can't be awake more than 8 hours in a day anymore, because all the bad memories begin to take control. At least when I'm sleeping I can think of pleasant thoughts. That's about the only time I'm not debating on taking another pill or rolling another joint. I've thought about finding a psychiatrist, but even if I do, I know what they'll want me to do. They'll want me to tell my family and friends about everything. I'd rather just die in a car accident or die in my sleep, anything instead of admitting to everyone that everything I am and ever was...was a lie. It would bring my whole world down. Then where would I be?

In the mental institute that I've always envisioned I'd end up in....even since I was 12 I knew that's where I'd be. I even had nightmares about it. I guess that same part of me knew it would happen some day. Just when is up to me. I can't let everyone know I'm a failure. I know I'm a failure, but I'll be damned if I'll let it become a truthful realization to everyone else around me.

I've already taken three tylenol pms about 20 minutes ago. I won't remember this post in the morning. Thank god.

Well, I figured that I'd continue to write, and more fully dump out my thoughts. Especially as I refresh my myspace-home page hoping to see a "New Message!" thingy appear. At least this will let me get lost in my day dreams and indulge in this happiness that has been injected into my life. A rare thing at that as well. But regardless, I'm still pleased by this. Despite contrary belief, I do actually like being happy. I like it alot.

 

Right now I'm at my friends' apartment, which I consider to be like a second home. Sam is sitting next to me playing WoW, as we listen to a Beck CD. It's pretty fun, but I don't have much to do. I was on EVE-Online a smidge, and showed him and brandon how it worked and operated, but stopped that really quickly. Maybe I'm just intimidated by the vastness of space. Either way, I can't really find that much to do, so here I am.

 

I've also been tossing the idea of going back to working on a story. And also not a World of Warcraft fanfic. As much as I enjoy writting those. I have the thoughts in my head, and lots of different story possibilities at that. But still. The problem I usually have with that, is I have specific scenes that happen in my mind. Vividly and full of detail kind of scenes. The problem lies in how to string them together so they make sense. I'm sure if I stuck at it, I could do it eventually, but for the most part I just don't bother. Maybe I should be more commited to my writtings. But whenever someone goes out of their way to read my crap, it's always, "Oh, it's so good!" Usually said by people who hate to read and probably didn't even bother to read my crap. But either way, maybe I should lighten up my caring in that sector. Too many little things bother me, le sigh.

 

Apart from that, I'm lost in my day dreams. I'm still afraid I'm going to wake up. But at the same time, usually when you're afraid of something, or worried about something, it usually happens. So maybe I can just quit being so focused on these things and let go a little bit. That would be.. really nice. Especially when it comes to this girl. (Referenced as in the post below) I'm half torn between just shutting up and not rambling on about her like a love-sick puppy dog for fear of being a total idiot, and between gushing out everything that I'm feeling with my head in the clouds. But regardless, I'm astonished. That is probably the best way to describe my thought process. It's as if everything that I ever wished for, Some wonderful and amazing girl to save me from myself and make me feel so much better about everything, has just walked into my life. Plus, the rate in which we're connecting, does not help my level of attachment that just continues to grow.  What is wrong with me? While I'm extremely happy, part of me at least wishes that I could be like a normal person and not get so overwhelmingly attached so quickly. Especially when I don't want to turn her off or scare her away. She told me that she won't be, but, I'm still so insane.

 

I wish I could get away from here. I don't mean from my friends' apartment, but rather this area that I'm stuck in within the world. My mind races to thoughts of being places were I could be happy, without care, even if my life is difficult, everything would be okay since I'm there and everything is fine. While we were talking before, I expressed these thoughts of just wishing to get away. Jokingly, she said that I could come live with her. Haha. Except.. That would be so wonderful. Normal people simply just dismiss these kinds as haha-funny kinds of things. But me, of course not. I just have to be an idiot. Letting my mind wander onto the possibilities and how happy and dreamy it would be to be with someone so wonderful, and to me, perfect. But normal people don't think like that. What's wrong with me?

 

Either way, I'm happy with how things are. And I don't ever want to wake up. I just need to keep my daydreams in check.

Do you remember your dreams? Studing on dreams, the experts say you dream 7 times a night. Ummm I think the most I remeber was 3. I do dream in color. I do feel things in my dreams, even if its pain or pleasure. Sometimes I have to figure out if I am astral projecting, lucid dreaming or just plain dreaming. In astral projecting I fly alot, lucid dreaming I can control my pleasure dreams and in plain dreams it happens to fast for me to do anything. Out of the 3 I like lucid dreaming, cause I can control what will happen next. I love my pleasure dreams  hehehehe. Did I say that out loud??? I found out if you eat alot of chocolate before bed you have weird dreams, also if you are very hot (tempature)you can have weird dreams. If you really get into dreams you can almost choose what you want to dream about. Control your dreams is what I trying to tell you. We all dream so why not make the best of it. Tell me your dreams, don't be shy !! I think I heard them all or did I. Dream well !!      Love timberwolf +++

I dreamt we kissed last night.

 

It was more than what I could have imagined it would be like whilst awake.

 

If only it were real.