Dread @ MindSay

So it's been awhile. I guess I still don't got much interesting to say. School has been dumb, it seems more and more people hate me every day. Teachers don't like me nor do I particularly like them. Who knows how this year will turn out. Kind of excited but also dreadful. Woot for Daft Punk. I feel like dancing. At least I have classes I like this year. 

(Copied from my myspace blog)

 

..the end?

 

No, I don't think so. Not yet, at least.

 

But I'm sitting here, unable to think of things to do, when there's actually so many things to do..! Isn't that quite the pickle? But part of me also just wants to write. And write. And write. And keep writting until I'm completely unable to do so anymore. My fingers will leave my hands and abandon me from being over worked! Wouldn't that be nice? I haven't gotten to that point yet, though.

 

There's so many things to write about, that it sometimes doesn't always hit me with the enormity of that aspect. The world, feelings, emotions, thoughts, dreams, hopes, wishes, desires, lusts, nightmares, people, surveys, anything, everything. The list goes on. But at the same time, I have no specifics on what I actuall want to write.

 

For the longest time, I told myself that I wanted to write a book. A fantasy book! A book that I would love to read because it'd have everything in it that I'd want to have. Maybe that's why I've been so dissatisfied with most stories? Nothing turns out how I want them to, even in books. The main character rejects his love interest who adores him.. They follow the path of light and save the world! They live happily ever after... Sometimes I think I should've been raised in a fairy tale. I feel so out of place in this world, that I'm not even sure what to make up it.

 

Still, I read books. I enjoy books. But I always wanted to write that one where everything would happen exactly like I always dream. But maybe I'm actually a lazy person in this regard? Maybe instead I just want the excitement of something I didn't create to entice me? Or even disappoint me? Is that what I look for? It's hard to know, and I'm quite sure that I don't have an answer for that question--like many others.

 

But I think it would be nice to write a book. Even though I struggle with this. When I write, I envision specific scenes in my mind. Certain events take place and unfold without anything leading up to them or anything happening afterwards. I believe the challenge in writting, for me, is to string these aspects together to make a smoothly flowing and connected story. The problem lies in that I eventually lose interest in the struggle to string my thoughts together. It's possible that I haven't discovered that specific thing that will bring meaning to my life that will cause me to do that.

 

Siiiiiiggghhhhhh. Meaning?! That's probably what I really seek! It's so easy to do what people tell you to. (Or in other cases, not to...) There's alot of times where I enjoy the aspect of, "You're going to write a paper, and it'll be on this topic." as opposed to the: "You need to write a paper, it can be about anything you want it to be!" I can see the positives of both. But neither sit well with me. Waaaaaaah! Is it love? Is that what I'm missing in my life? I have my parents, and caring friends... Is it that other kind of love? Who's to know? I'm certain in the fact that I don't know what I want. That I don't know what is best for me. I often wish for a guiding force to enter my life and bring meaning to it.

 

Sure, there are people who can tell you what to do. There are people that can say, "You need an education. It'll make you successful in life." There are so many people like that. So many. Too many. There aren't enough people that go up to you and say, "You need an education, because I believe in you and I need you." Is that what I'm really missing? I know so often my parents have been trying to motivate me with things. Or even trying to motivate myself. Maybe I am just a terrible kid. Maybe I just need more people in my life to influence me. But maybe I'm too closed off? Too 'anti-social'? It's possible. But I at least like to think that I'm better off than I was a few years ago. That much is for certain.

 

I've often thought that the person I'd fall in love with would find me, and want to get to know me just because of how I was. You watch an anime, you see the female character so attached to the main character. How she tackles him whenever she sees him. How she clings to him every moment she's around him... Maybe those shows were made to bring out the silly desires of fairy tale day dreams that some people have? I'm not really sure. But that thought seems nice. The aspect of someone needed me for their own happiness, as opposed to the other way around. It brings a smile to my face at the thought of it.

 

But this society that we live in today. Is the world truely rotten? Everything is a systematic, step-by-step process. It's about knowledge, reality. It's about finding out how things work, the mechanics of the universe. It's not enough to walk outside and see the leaves blow in the wind. We have to question the velocity of wind, with the pulling gravity that tugs continuously on things. We have to delve deep inside the center to examine the pigments in the leaves, the chemcials they are made of, their atomic structures. I'm not saying this science stuff is a bad thing. Not in the least. But I believe that it destroys the beauty and serenity of the world. How often can we look outside the windows and say, "This is a beautiful day, I feel like I'm in a fairy tale. As if some unicorns will be out on the grass waiting for me." Maybe all those thoughts are destroyed once we "grow up". Once we enter in this system that sets a standard for everything. It's sad. It really brings much sadness into my life when I think of things this way.

 

Growing up... Earlier today, I notice that I can touch my finger tips to the top of the doorways in my house. (With a minimal amount of stretching.) I remember a time when I would scratch a line on the door frame to measure how tall I was. And now I've grown up. I'm a young man, about to enter the world and finally begin his journey on the path of life. But, somewhere I think I got lost. There's still a kid inside of me. I still feel like a boy. I can remember when I was little, when I was carefree and happy. When I wished more than anything to be a grown up! To make my own decisions! To be on my own! Part of me still yearns for that. But.. maybe I'm filled with doubt? Maybe because I'm beginning to understand the mechanics behind the world?

 

When we're little, we can believe in the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, and all the other stories we're told to keep us under control. I'm not sure when I woke up. That Faith of things we didn't have to see to know they existed... What happened to that? I feel like I've lost a part of myself. I look down at my hands, and I see how they've increased in size. I see my reflection and see the person who I am. Almost 19 years old, and still lost just like a little kid.

 

I know, I know. People always tell me. And continue to do so, that you need to believe in yourself before you can go through life. This makes sense to me, it really does. But I still wonder... Is it so bad to have people believe in you? I suppose there's the society aspect to thank for this again. We're all selfish and self-centered. I am not excluding myself in this. We do things for our own self-interest and benefits. And maybe, that's why I want someone to believe in me? To need me? Because in doing so, I'll have a sense of purpose and action and destination?! Waaaah, there's so many questions!

 

What was I talking about again? Oh! Childhood! Life! Purpose! Yes, I remember now. To be so carefree and happy. When I was little, I didn't really have to worry about being alone, or afraid of being by myself. I can remember with relative clarity my friend who was a girl, Sara. Maybe I can blame her for enjoying people's company so much. I remember going to her house and pre-school with her. Most of my memories from that time are not entirely clear, but I can remember most of it. I miss those days. Maybe that was the start of when I had someone special. Those are fond memories that I don't often think about. Maybe I should take the time to re-think things more and more? The past? Well, we can't really do much about it, except look at the positive things that have happened. Best not to dwell, I suppose.

 

This world is so funny! While lately much of my time is spent in a relatively depressed state, focusing purely on the negative, I'm thankful for the ability to shift my perspective when I desire to do so. I used to think life was so foolish. That people were borne into this world, to grow up, live their lives, reproduce, die, and have their children carry on the same thing. It depresses me so much when I think of things in this way. But, I think I've managed to throw that out. Maybe in a scientific sort of way, it can be concluded that since humans are animals, their purpose is to populate, and reproduce to carry on the species. Though, so people might be offended to be compared to animals. And I think there's more to life than that. But I do confess, I'm not very knowledgable in this department. I mostly pull from my dreams to sew my thoughts together.

 

Life isn't so much about the end result. That you become "Successful"--whatever that even means! What does it mean? To have money? Power? Happiness? How do you do that? Everyone tosses around the words of this "American Dream!" and all it does is make me wonder more and more. I am perplexed. Especially how Americans can entitle themselves more worthy of such dreams than others of the world. It is disgraceful, to say the least. But whether achieving the title of being successful or not, life isn't about that. Not to me, anyway. But I have been thinking hard about this.

 

Is it the path we travel that really matters? The present? The "now"? This is not an excuse for people to interpret this as a probable reason to use drugs and the ilk. "Oh, well we gotta live in the now! Lets get easy pleasure and feeling goods now!" No. I don't believe it works that way. But some may argue me that fact.. I don't mind. These are only my personal feelings, and I mean not to impose my will on others. However, I've been told before that life is short. If we don't enjoy it now, isn't it possible we might never get the chance to ever again? If we don't love now, won't it be possible we might never get a chance? For a long while, this aspect worried me. I was so afraid that I'd never find that special person that I want to bring meaning to my life. I suppose I should use "I am" as opposed to I "was", since was is 'past-tense'. Which isn't really the case. I'm still kind of afraid. I'm still pretty lonely and feel down most of the time. But every now and then I have one of these interesting moments.

 

To break free of our chains! That's a desire too, isn't it?! I can sometimes pick myself up after feeling sad for so long. Reaffirm myself with, "Things will be better!" and "Who's to know what the future holds?!" before doubt will eventually take root and bring me down. Is there something wrong with me? I do actually wish I could hold this attitude for a long period of time. Maybe I'll strive to do so? Look at the world like it's a fairy tale that I belong in. Maybe then things will finally start making sense to me?! Maybe then I will find start having answers instead of so many questions?! It's such a drag to have so many questions! And no answers. None at all. But I suppose this can't really be helped. It's just the way things are. Everything finds a way, right? Well, some people say that. So it must be true in some cases.

 

These blogs interest me. I often wonder actually how often people read them? And for what purpose? Are they curious of how the person actually is, and that they'll discover it in their blog? Do they want to know what happens in their life? Are they just extremely bored and have nothing better to do? Do they actually not even read it, but pretend to and lie that they do out of fear of hurting someone's feelings? I'm not sure! But it must be different for each person. Maybe secretly, everyone else is looking for someone who they can connect with and be drawn to? That would make sense to me. I often click on a new blog entry of someone, hoping that they will think like me, feel like me, dream like me. I'm not sure if someone like that will find me. Or maybe I'm actually supposed to find them? Haha! Things like this are so confusing! It's almost regrettable that they have to be that way. But then again, I suppose that would take all the fun out of living.

 

However, myspace and facebook interest me even more. I am so flabbergasted by what I see here, I'm almost unsure what to think. I suppose a good way to describe it would be linking their states of life together, and to each other. A break up will take place, and that person will fill out surveys on how horrible their life is now without their significant other. How they lost all hope in their life and how no one else can ever bring love into their lives ever again. This confuses me. I'm also confused by when people scream that no one will ever love them, and no on can understand how they feel, and no one cares about them. But in doing so, also cut people off from being able to even fulfill that. Maybe some people just don't measure up in their eyes? He's not very popular, he doesn't wear the clothes or style I like, He's too quiet, He's not handsom enough. I'm confused. I understand the concept of not being able to love everything that shows and interest you, but this whole myspace thing confuses me so much!

 

There's alot of times where I look at a survey, then another, and maybe another after that. I see how people are venting their built up thoughts. I really want to help, I want to help them not feel alone anymore, and reach out. I type a well thought out response to help and express my desire to want to help. If I get any apply at all, it's usually just a few words. "haha, i'm fine, dont worry about me" I don't understand? How can you rant and rave and not expect people to worry? Or is worrying the whole idea in the first place? Or maybe they're afraid some weird stalker boy has suddenly latched onto them? Maybe it's the world we live in.. This place, this odd kind of fairy tale that each of us add to. It confuses me, and I wish I could understand. I've tried hard not to put "myself in their shoes", since I clearly see, think, and feel differently in situations such as these than the other people. To me, a cry for help is desiring comfort from whatever pain is being felt. Isn't that true? Or do I just fail in that aspect? It kind of makes me afraid, fearful that I'm just not good enough for even the simplest of tasks as helping people. Then again, I suppose there's only so much someone can worry about. Hehe, maybe. I'm not entirely sure.

 

 It seems like it's getting late. Not that has been bothering me that terribly much. Is my sleep habits been going all weird because I haven't been thinking clearly? Or maybe I am thinking clearly and I haven't been before? I'm not sure! It's quite the pickle as well. No matter how I slice it, I still have answers to seek.

 

I see my picture next to this blog-post-text-box as I type this. Sometimes I forget that I'm actually real. I almost feel like I should be a cloud or something. Maybe a butterfly. I could drift and fly where I please in peace. Not have to worry about anything in particular. That would be nice. But secretly, I think people take comfort in the fact that there are things to worry about. There's this to be done, this to do, that at this time... It gives meaning to peoples lives, and I think that's what everyone is really looking for, deep down. Meaning. It's so odd! How do you even think or describe something like that? It has no set definition, I think. It's an open-ended thing that varies from person to person. It's times like this, where I wish I knew a lot of people. That way I could listen to what they really want in their lives, what meaning they truely desire. They could open up to me and talk to me about anything at all. It would be so nice, and I could exist for others rather than a purpose of my own. It kinda makes me sad that I can't do that right now, though. Maybe in doing that I'd actually bring meaning to my life as well. I suppose its a little more sad than 'kinda'.

 

How do people view things? I always found it funny ever since I was little, because there was no way to tell what other people felt. You could only rely on how you felt to determine if that's how other people felt too. That fact always bothered me alot. I think that might be why I value communication so much? I like to convey my feelings, and have feelings conveyed to me to understand how the person is feeling. There have been many times where I have felt just dead inside. Unfeeling or not knowing how to feel. Does it make me a terrible person? I'm not entirely sure. When we're little, we're taught that (if you follow christianity) God loves us, and we should do all we can to help people. What happens when we question that? When we start thinking on our own and don't go along with the teachings set down for us? I'm not entirely sure. But I do think it's important to know that you're in control of your own thoughts as opposed to just listening to someone else's. I feel that it better defines the person you are, but I could be wrong about this. After all, I'm still not entirely sure even what kind of person I am. Maybe I'm looking for someone to tell me? I'm not sure. Not sure. Not sure. Not sure! Not sure?! That's all that I can ever seem to think about. I have to wonder if I'm even sure of anything!

 

Well, I'm sure that I love Swedish Fish. That's at least something I'm sure about. Maybe that will be my next task in writting about something. Finding everything I'm sure about. If I did it the other way around and focused on the things I was unsure of... I'm fairly certain I could be here for days and days and days. Though, I'm also fairly certain that since this has reached the length it has, no one will take the time and effort to read through all of this nonsense in it's entirety. It's funny, though. And I'm not too bothered by it. After all, the people who do read it fully. That's who I'd like to meet, and bring meaning to my life.

 

Maybe I'll write like this more often. I enjoyed it alot, even if no one else has. Is that what really counts? Maybe... I can't know for sure. After all, there are still so many things I'm unsure of. Maybe someone will help me try to understand all these things I still don't know about.

 

I'll be looking forward to it!

Dixie currently feels:

Annoyed

 

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So sick of PVA glue.

So sick of staining my hands pink with drawing ink.

So sick of fabric paint all over my arms.

So sick of crepe paper getting all mushy under the glue.

So sick of cutting fabrics, glueing them down in random patterns and calling it art.

 

I FUCKING HATE TEXTILES!!!!!!!

 

 

Today we had a 3 hour exam preperation, where we did nothing for 3 hours but sit, paint in our sketchbooks and annotate random shite about and around random shite.

 

Tomorrow I have another 3 hours of Textiles, only we're starting the real exam.

And that's 3 hours of TEN.

 

...Argh, you know.

I'm a decent drawer, I'm a decent artist - I just CAN'T BE ARSED WITH TEXTILES.

 

It's one of my courses I may even come close to failing.

And I won't give a shit, to be frank.

 

 

Fuck Art & Design Textiles.

Put the taste back into hunger,
Searching the box,
Looking for what?
Pushing the gear back into top...

This is one of those days when I have to do things that I dread to do, but I nevertheless have to do them. There are times when I wish that I had no responsibilities, but I have to be a responsible adult at times for if I did not I would not be typing this inside a house that I will one day own, I would not have the electricity to recharge the batteries within this Palmtop PC that I am now telling the tale of my life, I would not have the drink that I can reach over at this moment to drink whilst I type entirely with one hand for this keyboard is only about six and a half inches long though I do not know how long that is in metric units for the metric system is evil. Cubits would be a far better system of measurement in this day and age so then I could say that the keyboard is about a third of a cubit long and everyone would understand exactly how long that is...

And although I used a great many words to distract my self from the dark cloud that floats within my skull, I know that I cannot make it go away until I do the things that I dread and have them done and over with at which point the dark cloud will be free to move onto someone else though I do not wish it upon others. If I had a means to make it disappear and to never again return to haunt the souls of others, but alas there is nothing that I can do to stop the cloud as it moves from person to person...

And it is strange to think that the things that I dread are not really terrible and I know that I will survive the entire thing, but there is still that nagging feeling that it will not be good for my soul. Alas, to do things that I dread or to do nothing that is not good for my lifestyle these are the choices that I face at this point in my life. These are the fears that I must face and overcome or allow them to wash over me and slowly erode my being...

This is the Word of the AntiCrust...

Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...