Drama @ MindSay

seriously, is it my problem because rather than sit in my room alone n be depressed all night i decided to go over to jackie's, or should mike be held responsible because he was the one that wanted to throw a party, he's the one that invited everyone, and therefore should he have been responsible for who was here n what they were doing? i'm so fucking irritated. fuck, someone drank a bottle of plum wine at the beginning of the semester that was me n albert's that was in the fridge, n he was totally down to pay me back even tho he didn't kno who did it. but now? he's saying its not his problem. for fuck's sake, the reason i put it in my room is so no one would drink it!

i knew i should have brought it with me...n i feel like i should have just stayed home depressed last night cuz then i could have kept ppl out, but monique apparently showed up at one point n i might have left with them if they'd offered, so i dunno. i even called monique to try to find out wtf happened n she said she didn't kno. if she is lying, i'd like to think that reanna is a good enough person that if she found out she would tell me n would help get this sorted out. n if stephanie knew who it was, it would be good if she fucked spoke up, too, but w/e.

i'm definitely glad that jackie talked me into bringing puma with us, tho, cuz if ppl got in here n no one seemed to notice, puma could have gotten out n then god knows what might have happened to him. n mike's friend christina, one of the chicks who applied to move in here n might be, is one of the ppl that's let puma out before.

i dunno, i kno it might seem like i'm taking my frustration out on his friends that applied for the place, but the thing is, realistically sure, i don't know that they'll be like mike but they are his friends. usually friends have things in common, so i also can't kno that they won't be like this, n i can't spend a year w/ more spoiled rich drama queens that thro a temper tantrum whenever they don't get their way n are incredibly inconsiderate of my needs.

so i made this video yesterday n i meant to post it before i went over to jackie's for the night, but the software that allows me to upload videos off my camera was being a dick n i didn't have the time. i'd write a little more about what me n albert talked about, but right now i'm pissed off about something else that i'll probably just post in another video because i'm a lazy ass.

some highlights i guess tho are that we talked about how we've both noticed this pattern that keeps happening: we'll talk, things will be better for a while, then something happens, things go to shit, n then we talk again. n we both agree, it really sux. the problem is that i really wish him and i could hang out again n have the types of conversations we used to have again, not just from when we were dating but before that, too. things like our philosophies on life n the way we see the world n stuff like that. its just that apparently cyn is still really jealous that there were things me n albert could do that she just couldn't. i didn't ask if albert meant that psychologically she just couldn't do it, or if physically she couldn't. i dunno, i just thought she'd be over that by now.

that n she came by a couple of times while me n albert were talking. once she kissed him before she left, n that didn't hurt as bad as i thought it would, but then again i also rolled my eyes n looked away. (seriously, fucking bitch didn't have to do that n she knows it bothers me) the second time, tho, she just wouldn't leave n i knew we were going into a stand off- who was gonna get tired first n leave. it was her, (w00t for me!), but when albert came back i asked him if he got chewed out n he said, "kinda."

later on when we were talking about how emotionally draining this pattern has been for him, he brought up that, "once i leave here, i'm not done." n its because he goes home n cyn plays 20 questions to find out wtf we talked about. i don't see why she still does that when all three of us kno that when messages go thro albert, they don't always come out the right way. fuck, albert said another thing that bothers cyn is related to not being able to let go, n for the sake of not getting things wrong, (which is why that's all albert told me in the first place), i didn't ask him to clarify if its because i can't let go of him, the pain they've caused me, or if its because she can't let go of her jealousy.

but yesterday, for the first time, i was honestly terrified of what was going to happen n what conversation they were going to have when he got home, cuz she thought he was gonna be home by 1:30 n he probably wasn't home until 3:30 or 4:00. she even walked by one more time after that, n she actually had the audacity to smile n wave.

n i guess he came by this morning before he left for work. when i got home this morning i was so pissed that i wanted to call him just to vent...but right now i actually need to catch the bus so i can do some homework, so i'll get to that shit later. besides that, i'm sure its gonna get worse before it gets better like shit always seems to do...

here's a message that i just sent to albert on myspace that i'm sure he'll just delete w/o reading cuz he's a bastard:

please talk to me. even one of my professors could tell there was something wrong w/ me n i started crying. please albert

will someone please tell me why i'm still chasing someone who treats me the same way daniel did? honestly now...

today was the first day i signed on myspace in a couple of days because i wanted to save any anxiety or problems that might arise from talking to cyn until after i was done with the class project that was due yesterday. i figured that any resulting anxiety would be enough to help keep me awake on the way to the conference today.

You asked me to not go to the BSS building when you are there. Is that correct? If so, I will not agree to that. I think that asking me to not go see my teachers (who are ALL in the BSS building) during thier office hours just because you are tabling is a bit ridiculous. But I can understand you not wanting me to hang out in front of the BSS building while you are tabling. That I can do. If it is correct to say that you don't want me "hanging around" the BSS building when you are there, then I will agree to that. I will go the BSS building when I need to regardless if you are there. I will not hang around the BSS building when you are.

And yes, of course I'm going to tell you to see your psychologist. You need to. You were suicidal, that was my main reason for referring you to a professional before. Now, you are having major PTSD issues (apparently, I don't really know first hand), which says to me, "I need help." If you had a friend with huge life and PTSD problems, I'm sure you'd tell that person to see his psychologist too.

she had also sent me another message that was simply titled, "good bye," which kinda freaked me out at first.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've decided that what is best for both of us is the end of any relationship between you and I. You can't stand seeing me or hearing about me, going places we've been together, etc. I'm tired of you projecting your problems upon me. I am not the reason you feel bad, and I am not going to let you make me feel as though I am. You are an unnecessary addition of anxiety in my life and so, this is good bye. I hope you find the help you need to get through your problems. Good luck with the rest of your life.

i have a few things to say to both of these, (especially all this crap about having some sort of relationship with me when she's the one that looked me in the eyes outside gist hall about a month ago and said the words, "we're no longer friends"), but since she deleted me as a friend, i can't send her messages. the only reason i hadn't deleted her yet was so i could check up on her n see what she was up to, laugh at her misery, etc., even tho i know that's not healthy for me. i did the same thing with raver jimmy at first, too. besides that, apparently my ride is here, (5 minutes early! never happens!), so i need to scramble to finish getting ready. i'll be back sunday night.

oh, n of course albert hasn't been on since monday. i'm really starting to wonder if the only reason i haven't moved on isn't just because of what we had, but cuz i kno i won't find better. seriously, is this all u got, guys?