Downers @ MindSay 
If you were adopted and born on 8/17/73, in Hinsdale, Illinois, you can get your original birth certificate from the state. And if, on that birth certificate, you see these names, Trojanowski or Trzos, then you can email me at <thebratland@yahoo.com>. I hope you find this site. I hope you email me. I'll be watching.
[The Boy, by the way, is a guy I met and lived with from 1998 to 2007.]
~August 17, 1973~
I am a mother.
OK... I'm a mother times TWO.
And maybe today is the day to talk about my first child. Because I have never hidden the fact that I had a child that I gave up for adoption.
When I first started talking to The Boy via Instant Messages, I told him about the fact that I had given a child [a boy] up for adoption when I was just a [wee] lassie.
Because when you've 'done that' you learn that some people think you are some kind of freak. I kid you not.
And before I became really good friends with The Boy I wanted to know right away if he thought I was some kind of freak.
He didn't.
So, we became friends.
You see, I never kept it a secret because I always wanted the child I gave birth to to be able to find me. And I foresaw the danger of keeping his existence a secret.
How would I have explained it to people otherwise?
That's not how I am.
If you want me, you take my baggage, too.
And I've been extremely blessed in that regard. I truly have not had one man walk out on me because of it. Either they are wonderful men, or [I'm rather more inclined to believe] I am an extraordinary woman.
Oh, yes I am.
But I digress.
Almost six years after giving birth to a boy, I gave birth to a daughter. And when she was old enough to really understand things, I let her know that I had given birth to a child with a different man and I had 'given him away' to people who could take care of him and give him things that I could not.
I must have done a superb job because my daughter never felt in danger of being 'given away' or abandoned, or any of that other shit that people tell you will happen to your kids.
My daughter is, at this writing, 28 years old. And if the boy I gave birth to knocked on my door tomorrow, no one in my life would say, "OH MY GOD YOU NEVER TOLD ME."
And The Boy would let him in and treat him like his own, or at least one of my family, and he would never raise an eyebrow.
And he would be happy for me.
Not that I lose sleep over this, folks. I don't.
While that baby was growing in my belly I kept telling myself that I was growing him for someone else because I KNEW that there was no way that I could give that child a decent life AT THE TIME.
And I knew, thanks to someone close to me [who shall remain nameless, although she knows who she is] that an adopted child is as loved as a child who is flesh and blood to the people adopting.
No, it wasn't an 'open adoption' although I knew the names of the people who adopted my child. [Notice I do not say 'my son'? I'll get back to that.]
When I got pregnant, I was a junior in high school. And BACK THEN, pregnant girls were not allowed to stay in school. So I didn't graduate high school.
Years later, when my daughter was a sophomore in high school, she was talking about dropping out of school, and I told her she couldn't.
And she said to me, "YOU DID!"
And although there were extenuating circumstances for me dropping out of school, I realized I had no excuse anymore.
So I got my G.E.D.
Then I got this crazy idea that maybe, just maybe, I COULD GO TO COLLEGE!
And I did.
Now, I'm not gonna get into college life except to say this: It got me onto the Interwebs. And I thought maybe, just maybe, I could put my info OUT THERE and make it easier for the child I had put up for adoption to find me.
And I've done that.
The bad part is that the really popular sites for adoptees looking for their birth parents are sites that make you pay a [hefty] yearly fee to keep your info on the site, and I've never been wealthy enough to be able to do that.
But I have found plenty of other sites and have 'registered' with them.
I just want to give him a chance if he is trying to find me.
Because there are, I'm sure, reasons to find me. Like the health history of his birth family.
But I don't call him My Son for a couple of reasons.
And some of those reasons are:
A mother is someone who changes your shitty diapers.
A mother is someone who sits up with you when you are sick and changes the sheets you puked on in the middle of the night.
A mother goes through the chicken pox with you.
A mother teaches you to tie your shoes.
A mother finds ways to teach you how to eat and like vegetables, even peas.
A mother cries when she sends you off to kindergarten.
A mother teaches you how to say "Daddy" when she would much rather you said "Mommy".
A mother delights in watching you roll over for the first time.
A mother lets you touch bugs.
A mother lets you taste dirt.
A mother gives you pots to bang on with spoons and thinks you make beautiful music.
A mother teaches you not to pull on the kitty's tail or bite the puppy's ears.
A mother holds you when you are hurt and kisses your boo-boos.
A mother looks at a crayon drawing and declares it is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen as she puts it on the refrigerator.
A mother exclaims that you are growing "like a weed".
A mother thinks dandelions are the most beautiful flowers EVER.
A mother sees you through graduations and proms and driving lessons and weird haircuts and pierced ears and wet dreams and periods and friends who are being mean to you.
A mother buries pets in the back yard with you and gives you ice cream afterwards.
I was never a Mother to the child I gave away.
I never did any of these things with the child who went away from me after I made sure he had all his fingers and toes and was ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.
And I may never meet him this side of Heaven, and I'm resigned to that. I don't get maudlin and get drunk over it.
But I will admit that sometimes, like tonight, I stop and say a prayer for him, wherever he is, and I say to God, "Oh, please, just let him be HAPPY."
Because when it comes down to it, isn't that all we want for our kids? All we want for those that we love?
I think it is.
And for that Someone who is Somewhere Out There, here's a birthday song for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSyRFLlYnWI
Because I Know You're Out There Somewhere.
Happy 34th birthday. I hope it's a great one for you.
.
I've been sitting here thinking about what i'm going to say, I can't make up my mind. There are a couple of things I want to write about, dedicate the entire post to, so i'm going to do them all...
- post one-
I spoke to Shorty last night. He doesn't feel the same way as I do, and the funny things, I'm not as sad or as upset as I thought I would be. People are right, I give up my own happiness so that others may be happy, give up what I want for others. What happened to the fight in me? People say I'm understanding, but what happened to the part of me that fought until it got what it wanted, or lost everything? I've completely fallen for him, he doesn't know that, but I do. It happens to everyone, you fall for someone that doesn't feel the same way. He wants things to stay as they are...I don't know about that. I know he likes me because of the way he acts, the change I've seen in him and the things he's said to me. He wants things to stay as they are with the prospect of them changing next year. I don't know if I can do that to my feelings...
-post two-
I am so pissed off at my friends. I rang Tyler today to wish him a happy birthday for last weekend and appologise for not being at his party. We arranged for him to come round today and do some stuff, maybe go to Jason's after. He never came round, never called, never messaged me back. Got a call from Justin a minute ago to say he's at a "gathering" at Jason and Shannon's and won't be home tonight. I'm so pissed off. What's wrong with me? Why do I always get kept out of everything? I'm so annoyed, and my dad didn't need to make me feel worse by saying don't call, Justin's round there and he won't want you there. GRRR!!! I want to hit someone and I want to cry. I feel like an outcast.
-post three-
Had a really great day. Woke up, had some really sweet messages on my phone. Talked with Tyler on the phone for about an hour. And attempted what I thought the impossible, cleaning my bike...more like resurecting it! It came up really well, dad and I are going to fix the tires tomorrow and I'm gonna start riding again, can't wait, really miss my sports. We borrowed some movies and I spent the rest of the day vegging out. Dad's been painting for the past 2 days, finally started...:( I miss Fate so much, still angry at Cindy. He rang me around lunch time, he was having a break, he's been doing some extra work with Cindy today, she sounds pretty nice, still angry for what she's done/doing though. I'll get to see him next weekend though, really happy about that :) I'm going round to Matt's tomorrow. Yeah scary I know...I'm curious as to what's going to happen, but I'm truly trying to reconsile an old friendship...
-post four-
The artist in me is starting to emerge again. I made something for Fate yesterday. It's very gorgeous, if I hadn't made it for him, I'd be keeping it for myself hehe...there shall be photo's in my photo bucket if you'd like to look. It's a black background, purple (we'll just call it middleground), and a red and black foreground. The red is on black squares that are joining a love-heart. The heart is not very noticable I know, but it is when you look at it.
