Dont Understand @ MindSay

Hi. im corey.
im half irish. half black
i dont like my self.
i burn shit and smoke alot.
im sadistic and enjoy others suffering
im bipolar and depressed.
i have friends but they dont understand the darkness
i dont care really
but it would be nice to talk to someone who does.
when i am happy its not a good happy more like a
"its ok now" happy
i hate my life.

i dont like it
but whatever
talk to me if you want
i dont care

i feel like i have to try and be as good as she is. I think that i just realized that. I just realized that i do need to grow up a little. I stay stuck within the past that i dont realize my future or what is right in front of me. I was thinking about her during my 4th period class and trying to understand her and myself at the same time. Maybe God is trying to tell me to let go. Maybe thats why we cant make things work out right. Maybe, just maybe. I've held onto her for almost two years now (in september of '07). Its about time that i let go, but something is telling me that she hasent let go COMPLELTY  either, but i cant really say that cuz i believe she has, but some of the things she said a few days ago and the actions she took. i cant say what she is because i dont know. She has to be the one to say it out loud. Well anyways the thing is that maybe the summer will be good for the both of us. Maybe i can actually get her outta my head and move on before our senior year starts... OMG, we're going to be seniors, it just seems like yesterday we were freshmen. I hate that i remember so much about us. Maybe if i didnt rememebr so much it wouldnt hurt as bad, idk. Its really getting to me, now. I haven't really gotten her outta my mind in almost 3 years, when i met her. Its weird how much time passes by when you think that you've found that one person and you plan out so many things, but then one day can change it all. One action can make a difference. One word can make the future change. I almost cant believe it. I mean me and her had so many ideas together and i'll admit they were good ones and i had fun with her. But i guess now that fun time is over and time to get back to reality. Get back to my real concerns. But i really dont know how to do that. I've been sucked into the life of  "Alicia Hollingshead" and i cant find my way out. Its too complicated. If i could just find that window, i'll be all ok, since the door has been closed for a long time now. I sit and i wonder what it would be like if she never had went on that church trip that summer. I wonder if we would have gotten back together, like we were kinda talking about. Probably not. IDK what i can do to make myself complete now. I mean when i met her it was like she was it and thats all that i wanted. Now that i've been with her its like shes what i want and what i am interested in. I compare the people i go out with to her and her standards. I mean i like girls with brown hair and eyes, taller than me (idk why), average... etc. so yeah... the other things arent important. Even thouh i dont look at appearences, hers i like and thats what i am interested in, kinda. Ok, well anyways. it liek when i look into her eyes, its amazing and i'm hypnotized. I shouldnt be though, but i cant help how i feel. No one can. This is life. Your not suppose to help who you fall in love with. Otherwise i'd make myself be over her by now. And plus i wouldnt fall for my friends half the time neither. OK, um... maybe i'll stop ramboling now... later... ... ... xoxo

Love, Melissa

Why--Why is it that every time i hang up the phone with Joey that i feel like crying? Not the fact he hung up rather, but the fact of all though the phone calls--every night--every one of them--he ends up ignoring me--practicly forgetting about the phone by his ear and googles at that god forsaken TV of his! Its not that i mind THAT so much---its the fact that if he wanted to watch tv, then whats the point of even calling me in the first place? Half of the times i say how much i love him, he ends up responding with a "Huh? What'd you say?"

It hurts, it really does... i make sure to embed in his mind of how much i would do for him--for his dreams--and most of all, for his crew--the winged foxes, and yet he seems to cast me asside like.... trash... even after perposly showing him the letter/conversation i had between myself and Koon just to see if he would notis how much I would do... but it was over looked, as usual.

Here is what i posted to Koon that should have gotten his attention: (subject: what happened in the ugmf back then, and how i feel about it)

But you know what? Im glad it happened... becouse if it wasnt for them screwing up so bad, and kicking me from the guild... I wouldn't have really met Lepper36. I wouldn't have experienced what true family or love is without him or the other pirates... wasnt for the ugmf, Joey/Lepper36 wouldn't have asked me to marry him outside of gaia. As much as i used to hate the ugmf, it is why i forgave them so easily... for them leaving me behind has left me being found by one of the greatest people that I have ever known. Thensome, the greatest friends that anyone could ever gain... ones that i know i can trust that wont leave me behind like what the ugmf did, or sell me out... and they can trust me that i wouldn't do the same to them. So you see... koon... we fight togeather, and we stand by eachother, no matter what happens... that alone is why i forgive them. They granted me the chance to get something that no one could ever give me. Though, i dont know if you will fully understand it or not... i half dont expect you to... but, at least understand that were not doing anything for selfish needs in this war.

Isnt that proof enough? That i love the winged foxes? That i love Joey?


No... no its not.... no matter how hard i seem to try, it just dosnt work out... im always ignored, im always pushed asside... and somehow, I always find it in myself to forgive joey time and time again when he hurts me.


Sometimes all i want to do is just get off the computer, curl up in a corner, and just cry.... i hate my job at the winged foxes, being First Mate... im taken advantage of, everythings always on my sholders cos he cant do anything himself... i revived the guild... i built it from almost nothing.... I put everything i had into there... and thensome when Joey perposly set me up to become the guild captain several times--only to take it away as quickly as I was granted it? Then he has the nerve to ignore me after the shit i'v gone though for him and his "guild"?


I lied when i said i 'never read those past enteries anymore' to him... the YIM conversations of him questioning me. Saying how i backstabed him, how i wasnt trustworthy anymore, saying how much he counted on me only to have the guild 'taken out from under him'.... god it makes me sick... sick to remember that I was stupid enough to beleave that it was fine to take command at any given point for just a few moments... sick enough to make me want to puke all day in the bathroom and drown out my sarrows with pepsi, beleaving in my mind that the soda was spiked with poison just so... deep down... i'd be thinking to myself that "it will end soon, the pain will end soon." and i end up passing out on the floor from major loads of stress.


Im cracking... and I can feel it...

These past weeks with Ed have caused me to re-evaluate myself. I've changed because of him.

- I've decided (even harder) to be a decider.
- I re-realized the importance of Me-time ("quiet time").
- I better understand my reactions to him, and to others. I better understand the person I become around others.
- I've reaffirmed the ways I have faith.
- I have decided on peace.
- I have learned how to be happy.
- I have reaffirmed that there need not be a reason to be happy.
- I better understand how to use my energies.
- I've reaffirmed the importance of words, and how their usage makes a difference in what I say.
- I've realized I have little to say.
- I've learned that I need to be, and also how to be, more socially responsible.
- I've learned that I can be selfish, and it won't get me anywhere.
- I've learned that, in a way, solipsism is somewhat true--I've learned to rely on myself more, and not to require the support of other (wiser) people, because I am all the wisdom I need to make my point.
- I have also learned I am annoying.
- I have learned about how I use people--how I need people, and how I interact with them.
- I've learned about Ska and Ed's preferences in music.
- I've fought with acceptance--can I be justified while being alone? Am I never justified while being alone in my beliefs? Or, am I simply never alone in my beliefs?
- I've become more independent in the sense of: I don't rely on others' opinions as much. If I think something is awesome, I have every right to do so.


Ed says he's never learned anything NEW about himself/life/people by reading or watching television (more specifically, StarTrek TNG). I don't think he's ever learned anything new about himself/life from other people, either. In that way, he is extremely independent.

I don't know exactly how to explain it--but he still needs events in order to change. Ed is constantly changing, and sometimes, he says, he won't even notice it. Anyway. Besides being extremely independent of others for opinions, he still requires others to cause events on which to form his thoughts.

Conclusion?

...
...
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I must spend lots of time with Ed over the next years.
--Driftee

We all have our celeb crushes. I know i Have mine!!! dont get me wrong i love them just, dont you ever just tell your self to forget about the crush on Ashton Kutcher!!!
What is the point you are never going to meet them well at least the chances are 3000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to 1 so i just have given up like why even pretend to like them when you know that they dont know you exsist. They lable you as a fan to them you have no identity no name just the label fan!!!!

I HAVE ANOTHER TOPIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i sit and cry every night looking at the posters on my wall!! you know the tabloids claim that the stars are so called heart broken two days later they're with someonelse
they dont really understand what a person goes through i know they are people too and i respect them for that but they are stuck in our fantasy world they dont get while they are throghing away money by buying there two year olds cars people are suffering there money could be sent to somthing else than rolaxes!!!!!