Dont Hate Me @ MindSay

havnt left a blog for a few days so i might aswell. only one big thing has happened really, i hate it and i pretty much hate myself. i dont wana go into it to be honest. i dont like all these arguments but i guess we are all right now. it hurt to much, and its all getting to me now. the paranoia pisses me off. i dunno i am pretty happy today.

going out in abit. going to see andy after a shower. dont no if i am off to see sophie yet. i dunno if i have the money for the bus. 

that'll do.
x

so my friend is finally coming home. i never thought she would.... dont get me wrong, i did.... when she first left...and then as time went on, i stopped believing it. but now she is coming home. and i'm really happy. i'm even amazed (to tell the truth). i htought that after all this shit with cole and stuff i would harbor hurt feelings, anger and resentment.... but i dont. i'm actually glad. True, it will be weird to share him with anyone.... i havent really ever had to do that. the closest i had to come to sharing him was with court, and even then it wasn't all htat weird. but with a significant other taking him....that'll be weird.... but good. it get's him off my mind and i can stop worrying about him. (i've kinda done that already, i figure if he wants to do something he can, i dont need to babysit him. he has his penis, now..... it's up to him to loose it.) i feel horrible though, for blowing him off hte other day. everyone knows, including him, that when i'm tired and sleeping you dont wake me up!... he kept doing that. i feel horrible though. i told him i would come down and help him buy a game....and i bailed out, i was sleeping with rob and i didnt want to get up. ( we werent having sex, we were littrally sleeping.).

i sometimes hate how flaky i am. i get this way every now and again, but then usually when i do, i'm trying to do something for me for once. and hten i get the guilt trip thing for it. i tried to call cole last night, but he was on the phone with my friend... which at hte time frustrated me, just because i wanted to talk to him....but oh well. he can take the time to call me if he wants to hang out, or talk.

 

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i was a hinderance in their relationship though. i hate myself for it. personally, i think if i haddn't jumped on him the moment he said he was free, basically, i could have had him. but i'm kinda glad i got that little thing over with. he would have probably made me frustrated, and i would have continued to baby him, .like none other.  Court and i talked about that yesterday (i believe) we baby him. and we know it. but he is so good at manipulation, that you know he's doing it to you, but you cant stop yourself. its almost like hypnotism. but we both agreed, we are done babying him. now that my friend is coming home, they can worry about it.

 

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so this rob guy that i'm kinda seeing... i work with him. he's pretty cute, funny thing is, though, i dont really like blonds...and htat's what he is. but he's not like hte other ones i've dated. i've told him everything about my sexual past, i've told him a bit about the whole cole thing. just kept it to the basics though... it's too complicated, and he's told me about his ex fiance. apparently she is coming down on saturday to pick up some of her old things and to (hopefully) bring back the ring that he bought her. part of me does worry that him seeing her again, will ignite the old flame, but somehow i dont get that impression. he's already filled the quota and yet he's still interested.... so far.... guess i'll have to wait until after saturday to find out. we are going skinny dipping tonight, i think.... i want to, but i'm not sure how to get up to the resevior. ... i told him two weeks....we couldnt' exactly make it two days (then again, it was my fault.) i think i should say no again.... because if anything does happen with his ex, i dont wanna have that most recent time on my mind...those hurt hte worst. when you can replay everything that happened in your mind, over and over again. what i hate is howe  we did everything wrong to begin with. we talked about exes and did stuff on a first date that you arent supposed to do... and yet we are trying to see what we can get out of it. i love that i dont have to try to besomething i'm not, that i dont have to impress him, and that he already knows everything, so it isnt just going to be like sudden revelation.... those suck the most, because then the guy's think odd htoughts and they seem to be disapointed. i dont know how to explain what it is, but i get a different feeling when i'm with him than i do with cole, whith which i get a different feeling than when i'm with most of my friends.

 

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i thought i loved cole, once upon a time, but now i realize that i dont, nor did i ever. i was comfortable with him. i knew him and i knew i didnt have to be anyone else but me. he knew me. and i liked that.... but he didnt love me either. never did. he always loved ari.... he holds her on this pedestal so high above the world, that i hope she doesnt faint due to the lack of o₂.

 

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I found hte perfect name for a little girl the other day. it's Zella. and for a boy i would want Kasz. i had the pefect middle name for Zella so it almost sounded like zuchini.... and that's what i would nick-name her as... i was walking through the cemetary on monday, i went to go visit my grandparents, and couldnt find htem. I think that htey are upset with me, therefore avoiding me.  i talked to my uncle though, told him about how his son can be a big pain in the ass... it was nice to talk to him...i dont remember him, really, but it felt good, nonetheless. but yeah, that was when i was walking around when i saw the name zella on a headstone. and something hit me....i thought about hte name zella vida c. and for Kasz, i htink it would be kasz andrew c. and for another boy it would be:_____ basil c.

 

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part of me, like court wants to have a baby and raise it on my own. we both want to do that for some reason. i htink mostly because i'm afraid of being left iwth the responsibility anyway. i cant depend on anyone else. no one is going to be there for me, no matter what, besides me. my mom isnt, my dad is sometimes there. mostly for support only. i get the feeling my grandparents are trying to make me what htey wish all their kids would have been. the only people that i cna really count on to be there....are my siblings. and htey only reason i can count on that is because they need me. i HAVE to be there for htem they have the worst time. they are so fucked up in what opportunities they have.... and my step dad can just suck my big black cock.

 

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I had better end this entry before it ends up being like five hundred pages. lol.

 

to sum it up:

 

i'm excited my friend is finally coming home to take care of her boy toy (and get him off my mind)

 

i'm hopeful for this new boy toy of mine to work out

 

i'm a little nervous, for reasons i dont want to explain (though could probably be guessed)

 

and i'm a  little tired....and i'm going back to bed

 

"what's so wrong about peace, love, and understanding?"

I've got an idea in my mind to cheat on my now serious boyfriend, Garret.  He's nice, too nice almost, but he is amazing, and i do hate to say it but, I love him.  I wish i didn't because that would make things so much more easy than they are now.  This is the first REAL relationship that i have been in that has that sort of all consuming, deep, want to see you everyday, fuck you every night sort of love.  now dont get me wrong i have loved before, but not like this. Those were passive loves.  But with garret, i hate it when he doesnt call me or touch me or something, i can barely stand not seeing him for two days at a time.  and the reason i'm going to cheat on him? Fear, basically.  What happens if it doesnt work out? of course it won't, i know this.  I'm too young to think that this thing that i have with an amazing guy will last longer than a few months, maybe a year if i'm lucky, or should i say unlucky?  If this lasts any longer, I'll get my heart broken, and i'm too much of a bitch already.   there are only two ways it can turn out if we dont break up now:

A) I become a big, huge, massive bitch without any real emotions because i got my heart broken and who's to say it wont happen again.  I'll become one of those women on movies that shelter themselves from people for fear of being hurt again.  And i would hate that OR

B) i become some sappy, sad lonely girl who only thinks about things that could have been instead of what i could make of things now.  I would hate that too.

 

So i  find myself at a paradox.  What to do?????

I think I'll cheat on Garret and get him to break up with me.  Jack is definately willing to mess around with me.And i find Jack intriguing, sexy and he's a big asshole which has always been appealing to me.  The only thing that could go wrong is i'll miss out on the only chance at love i've got.  But i dont believe that there's only one person for everyone do i? and if i do is garret it?

 

On a completely different note, i found a sweet ass lighter, it's an ice cream cone.

I dont know what to say....

to much thinking is giving me a headache. i hate not knowing what is going to happen, i hate not knowing what people think of me......... sometimes i think im really screwed up in the head but i dont want to admit it to myself. i just go by everyday acting like normal coz i dont like attention about my screwed up brain. the things i think of sometimes are so horrible, and the things i think about doing, and i think i need help. Why am i like this??? this holiday has been really good for me in one way and really bad for me in another. im still so tired thats the problem, i dont want to live sometimes. i see myself driving off bridges or into the side of trucks, and imagine what the funeral will be like.... what people will cry and who wont care, what people will say about me.....was i nice? was i funny? was i a good friend? i want to know what purpose i have in this life......why am i here??? sometimes i see myself in 3rd person veiw, like ill be standing talking to someone, and i dont see them, i see me and them from the side or above, and i look at myself and say......your useless here, why havnt you ended it already? i find it hard to believe that people acctually love me sometimes.... why would anyone love a heap of shit like me? what do i really contribute to the world??? and then i find myself crying in the middle of the street because ive realised that im acctually quite useless..... sucks to be me i guess.