Domestic Abuse @ MindSay

NEW YORK — Former New York Mets pitcher Ambiorix Burgos has been convicted of throwing his girlfriend against a wall and punching her in a motel.

Prosecutors say a jury on Thursday convicted the 24-year-old Burgos of assaulting the woman in September 2008. He faces up to a year in jail when he is sentenced April 3.

District Attorney Richard Brown's office says Burgos threw his then-girlfriend against a wall and repeatedly punched and slapped her when she tried to leave. Prosecutors say Burgos then stepped on the woman and pummelled her as she lay on the floor.

Burgos' lawyer, Edgar De Leon, didn't immediately return an after-hours message seeking comment.

The Mets released Burgos in December.

I'm almost finished with the website.  Only a couple of pages and bit of cleaning up to do.  So if you go to it, excuse the mess.

But, the forum is up and ready if anyone wants to have a look.  www.onewomansvoice.org/forum.  

I worked, and am still working, my ass off on this thing.  Of all the sites I've built or are in the works, I've worked the hardest on this one.  And it's taken it's toll.  

I'm stressed out so much it's untrue.  Thank fuck the end is in sight!

So if you go and have a look, let me know what you think so far.

I posted this on my old blog last year, and for some reason I feel the need to post it again. 

Most people see domestic abuse as physical violence only.  That is so untrue.  The boyfriend of a friend of mine had to attend an anger managment class (the Marine Corps made him) and she told me things that I found shocking.
It is considered abuse for your partner to keep you from having access to a phone or the internet (if you have it in your home), not letting you leave the room or the house, and monitoring your activites (such as your email, checking the milage on your car, monitoring your phone conversations), and keeping you from family or friends.  I hadn't really thought about it before and I don't think I would have thought of those things as abuse.  But they are.
According to the Domestic Abuse Project (www.mndap.org) the definitions of abuse is systematic pattern of behaviors in a relationship that are used to gain and/or maintain control and power over another.  There are four types of abuse:
Types of Abuse:

Emotional Abuse

• Emotional abuse includes hurting another person's feelings by saying cruel, unfair comments or by name calling, such as:
• cursing, swearing and/or screaming at you
• repeated harassment, interrogation or degradation
• attacks on self-esteem and/or insults to your person (name-calling, put-downs, ridicule)
• attacks on and/or insults about people you care for, your family and friends
• threatening to "come out for you" at work or to your family
• controlling and/or limiting your behavior (e.g.: keeping you from using the phone or seeing friends, not letting you leave the room or the house, following you and monitoring or limiting your phone conversations, checking the mileage on your car, or keeping you from reading material, ideas, activities and places that he does not like)
• interrupting you while you are eating, forcing you to stay awake or to get up from sleep
• blaming you for everything that goes wrong
• forcing you to do degrading things (e.g.: making you kneel, making you beg for money)
• using the difference in physical size to intimidate you
• criticizing your thoughts, feelings, opinions, beliefs and actions
• treating you like a servant or "underling" in matters of household chores and decisions
• being extremely jealous, constantly accusing you of flirting or of cheating
• spitting at or near you
• using money to control you (e.g.: taking money from you, giving you an allowance, controlling how extra money is spent, forcing you to ask for and account for any money you get, and acting like the work you do at home is of no economic value to the family)
• telling you that you are "sick" and need therapy
• using physical disabilities against you or putting you down for your disabilit

Psychological Abuse
Psychological abuse is any threat to do bodily harm to a partner, a child, a family member, friends, pets, or one's self (suicide).  Psychological abuse involves not only hurt and anger, but also fear and degradation.  The purpose of psychological abuse is to render you emotionally insecure about your own self-worth and to render you helpless and/or not able to escape further physical, sexual and/or psychological abuse.

Examples include your partner:

• threatening to punch, hit, slap or kick
• threatening to use a weapon
• threatening to harm him/her-self if you leave
• threatening to punish children to "get back" at you
• threatening to harm pets
• throwing objects in your direction
• vague threats such as: "You're going to get it," or "I'm really going to let you have it"
• harming a pet to "get back" at you
• smashing and breaking things
• throwing objects around the room
• punching walls, slamming doors
• hiding, stealing or destroying your possessions
• sabotaging your car
• any emotional abuse which in the past was a prelude to physical or sexual abuse

Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse is any non-consenting sexual act or behavior.  Examples include your partner forcing sexual activity when:

• you indicate "no" and your limits are not respected
• you are sleeping
•  you are drunk or high and are unable to say "no"
• you are afraid to say "no"
• Or when your partner:
• insists that you dress in a more sexual way than you wish to dress
• makes demeaning remarks about how you dress
• makes demeaning remarks about your body and/or body parts
• minimizes your feelings about sex
• berates you about your sexual history; blames you if you were sexually abused in the past or as a child
• criticizes you sexually (calling you "frigid," for example)
• insists on touching you sexually when you do not want to be touched, either when the   two of you are alone or in the presence of others
• calls you a whore or a slut
• has affairs with other women (often flaunting them) after agreeing not to have sex with   anyone but you
• physically attacking sexual parts of your body, (grabbing your breasts, pinching your   buttocks, any touch that is unwanted)
• forcing you to perform any specific sexual act that you do not wish to do (for example   oral sex, or acting out pornography)

Physical Abuse Physical abuse is any forceful or violent physical behavior. Examples include:

• slapping
• choking
• punching
• kicking
• pinching
• pushing
• shoving
• biting
• spanking
• scratching
• grabbing
• throwing bodily
• burning
• restraining
• spitting

Other behaviors in this category include throwing objects at the partner, or using or threatening to use a weapon of any kind (stick, ruler, belt, whip, knife, spoon, gun...)  


In Marie Clair, Rep. Mark Green from Wisconsin said "If the number we see in domestic violence were applied to terrorism or gang violence, the entire country would be up in arms, and it would be the lead story on the news every night."
Here are some statistic on domestic abuse from the Department of Justice:
Approximately 95% of the victims of domestic violence are women.
(Department of Justice figures)
Every 9 seconds in the United States a woman is assaulted and beaten.
4,000,000 women a year are assaulted by their partners.
Prison terms for killing husbands are twice as long as for killing wives.
93% of women who killed their mates had been battered by them. 67% killed them to protect themselves and their children at the moment of murder.
25% of all crime is wife assault.
70% of men who batter their partners either sexually or physically abuse their children.
Domestic violence is the number one cause of emergency room visits by women.
73% of the battered women seeking emergency medical services have already seperated from the abuser.
Women are most likely to be killed when attempting to leave the abuser. In fact, they're at a 75% higher risk than those who stay.
2/3 of all marriages will experience domestic violence at least once.
Injuries that battered women receive are at least as serious as injuries suffered in 90% of violent felony crimes.
In homes where domestic violence occurs, children are abused at a rate 1,500% higher than the national average.
Up to 64% of hospitalized female psychiatric patients have histories of being physically abused as adults.
50% of the homeless women and children in the U.S. are fleeing abuse.
The amount spent to shelter animals is three times the amount spent to provide emergency shelter to women from domestic abuse situations.
Family violence kills as many women every 5 years as the total number of Americans who died in the Vietnam War.
You can't look at a women and always be able to tell she is being abused.  A lot of abuse doesn't show physical symptoms.  And there are abusers who will strike a woman in a place where someone else can't see the mark.  So how do you know if someone is being abused, or if someone is an abuser?  There are warning signs:
The abused woman:
shows guilt, ambivalence, and fear over living conditions.
feels isolated and untrusting of others, even though she may be involved in the community. 
is emotionally and economically dependent.
has a poor self-concept (this may not have been true BEFORE the relationship).
has observed other women in her family being abused or may have been abused as a child.
feels angry, embarrassed, and ashamed.
is fearful of being insane.
has learned to feel helpless and feels powerless.
has unexplained injuries that may go untreated.


The abusive man:
shows extreme jealousy and wants to keep the woman isolated.
has an inability to cope with stress and shows a lack of impulse control. (This may not necessarily appear outside the home)
has a poor self-image and blames others for problems.
shows severe mood swings.
may have a history of abuse in his own family and may have been abusive in courtship.
presents a history of personal and/or family discord; unemployment, cruelty to animals, abuse of alcohol or other substances, and other unexplained behavior.
The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) is the only piece of legislation to make domestic violence a crime and give protection to its victims.  And it is set to expire at the end of September.  The elected officals featured in the Marie Clair article are introducing a new bill with better laws and protection programs.  I think we all need to back them.  How do we do this?  The time honored way of contacting your congressperson.  Or join a domestic violence group.*

*I don't know if they extended the law last year, but I'm trying to find out.