Divination @ MindSay

My previous introduction to my blog was this Latin phrase:  "Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur" which means "We choose to love, we do not choose to cease loving" by Publilius Syrus, a 1st century B.C.E. writer of moral maxims in iambic and trochaic verse.  I'm not exactly sure what Syrus was implying by that sentence, but it stuck in my mind for a long while.  I agreed with it for that long while, trapped by this thought that I am to be held a willing prisoner of my past loves.  Yes, we do choose who to love, but it's extremely hard to stop loving someone and it's far too easy to punish ourselves for doing so.  We willingly become enslaved by that love, a source of both pain and pleasure depending upon the nature of our old lover.  But it is not impossible to fall out of love.  Eventually time and distance spare us from the daily onslaughts of panic and despair when we are faced with the presence of a lover who does not share our passions.  I often wonder if this type of self torture is truly a form of self sabotage (a reflection of our hatred for ourselves) that we choose an unkind lover in order to stab our own hearts with? 

"Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur" was my meditation last year.  A sort of "heart on my sleeve" maxim of which I soon out wore.  My solitude has made me realize that, yes, I did choose to love someone and I find I cannot choose to cease loving him, yet this should not be a something I need hit myself over the head with 24/7.  Eventually I have learned to forgive myself for using a boy to cut myself open.  I realize that the relationship was necessary for me to build up strength and resolve against others who would hurt me worse.  At some point, every woman has to face her Demon Prince -- my idiom for those handsome men who appear to be our dreams-come-true lover but once they use us for their pleasure alone, are exposed as the selfish monsters they really are -- and once she falls out of the embrace of the Demon Prince, she seems to break only to bend and snap back with a surprising strength nature before did not afford her at birth.  I say this out of a deep voice within who hasn't spoken in a long while, as if I'm channeling a kind of grandmotherly spirit who rarely speaks but keeps watch over me.

My meditation this Samhain was something altogether different.  It has no phrase, but is a thought.  I drew it out of the following Tarot card spread:

Near Present (Situations & Feelings Emerging): The Emperor

Future Present (What's next): The Hermit

Enduring Future (Long term situation/feeling): The Sun

Myself at Samhain 2007 into the next year will find me more stable and successfully rediscovering the confidence I thought long lost.  I've been searching for motivation and inspiration.  I haven't drawn anything in weeks.  I set up my desk and pens and pencils but nothing comes out of these hands but a limp hopelessness.  When I attempt to draw, my passions escape from me, all my dreams fade, and I sink into thoughts about how wrong I was to fall in love with someone who couldn't love me back.  I begin to think he may have cursed me, that he's draining me of my passion, using me to fuel his own endeavors, and leaving me with nothing to work with to achieve my own goals.  But then I realize that The Emperor is not the ruler of me.  He only functions as an archetype who powers over others to make himself feel more secure -- he needs to inflict his weight on others and this takes a lot of his energy.  When you can turn to a power within yourself, you don't need to continue to beat others down to get what you want.  There is a peace knowing that you don't have to exert that energy, that you can reserve it, let it build, and direct it in a nurturing way so as you use it, it doesn't wear you down.

I believe I've been through the worst trials of my life now.  I feel myself entering a stage of life where I don't have to move, I just have to be.  I still feel the stinging desire to create, but with that comes that defeating drain -- the knowledge that I have to work hard to achieve creation -- and it comes with a pain in my arms and neck so I rather sleep than draw.  With the sleep comes visions that I can barely find enough time to put down on paper!  There is so much I want to do, that I know eventually that desire is wearing out the previous desires to be someone's lover. 

The Hermit reminds me that I am best in solitude.  In order to achieve my role as artist, I seek not only inspiration (or even the desire to inspire) but concrete evidence to support my visions.  I must research, study, journey, dream...  I don't want to just create pretty pictures, I'm on a mission --

What I want to achieve at some point in my life:

1.  Reach into the ancient past to bring it back to life in the present.  Artist as time machine priestess.  Drawing the costume and customs of my First American ancestors.  There are no books out there detailing -- truly covering -- what people looked like before the Europeans came.  There are only one or two illustrations per book.  I want to dig into that and pull out the visions I see of them, not just guess or estimate -- but then this is born out of my need to reconnect with the ancestors.  I feel an obligation.

2.  Inspired by so many art and "how to draw" books out there, I'd love to put together a series of "How to Draw 18th Century People & Places" or something like that.  This would require teaming up with a few historians and costumers, however.  I also find "How to Draw Children" books in rare supply.  That might be an interesting project to pick up.  I should be a publisher.  There are plenty of "How to Draw Manga" and "How to Draw Comics" type books, but rare are those books out there that really give an artist help on drawing from life outside of a classroom.

3.  I need to finish the Objiwe comic book language project, but it's so over my head.  I need help.  Where can I find it?

4.  I have so many stories to write and finish.  I must go do all that...

And then this list poops out beyond my grasp and attention...  I start to lose focus.  I become clouded.  It's not just the memories of loves lost that hurt me, but the terrible feeling that my dreams are too big for me to make true.  However, The Sun is just beyond those impossible clouds.  There is a fever in my mind, a burning brilliance, a rainbow in the dark shining, a promise that I can defeat my doubts and win a victory over everyone who thought I was worth nothing.  I have to remind myself that I am beyond the reach of those enemies of my esteem!

I come out of the clouds, proceeding at my whim and not at the crack of anyone's whip.  I am the most dangerous thing to men.  I am a masterless woman, betrayed by sex, yet refusing to be a good girl and lie down.  Yes, I was betrayed by sex, but I continue to believe in love.  Even the biggest cock can't touch me now.  Did you read that, buddy, eh?  You can't do me over the back side anymore.  I'm becoming your worst nightmare.  I am the woman you choked who didn't die.  I am a Creator in my own right. 

I will be more than I ever dreamed.

Laura gave me her taro cards ^.^

In return, I'm trying to make an 'Empress' card, one which looks like a stylised version of Laura, but she doesn't know that yet.

So soon, I shall learn how to do taro, and much funness shall be had.

(before anyone flips out, no, I haven't gone insane and started believing in divination, it's just for a bit of fun, much like reading CITSA horoscopes)

Speaking of taking stock and looking ahead to the future, I gave myself a Tarot reading... (I will use the cards I painted this last winter to illustrate)

Subject: 8 of Wands
Things seem to be moving very fast all around me, but I feel like I'm standing still. Everything I do seems to revolve around being alone at home or in front of a computer and I'm watching life go on with or without me outside.  I'm also thinking a lot and recieving strange dreams that give me inspiration to creat more art.  Usually this is a card denoting messages and that's the definition that really rings a bell for me right now.  There seems to be a lot of words and images on the astral switchboard for me lately.  Trouble is, I barely have enough energy to do it all.  I long for something more... 

Immediate Circumstances: 7 of Pentacles, Page of Cups, Strength, The Empress

Well, the 7 of Pentacles finds me doing what I can to finish what I've started.  The Page of Cups portends a possible offer or good news coming my way I don't know about yet.  The Strength and Empress cards tell me that anything adverse coming my way right now I can handle and I should probably expect most of my problems stemming from my hormonal imbalance.  The best way to deal with things is to create, create, create until something I've finished gets someone's attention. 

Past Influences:  4 of Wands, The Lovers

In the recent past I was pretty secure about my own feelings and desires, yet not sure about other's intentions towards me.  My response was to live alone in a cave for awhile so I could have some peace.

Surrounding Influences: King of Swords, 4 of Cups, The Star, 8 of Cups

The King of Swords next to the 4 of Cups tells me that I'm thinking too much.  It also means that the more bored I am, the more apathetic I tend to be.  The Star coupled with the 8 of Cups warns of false hopes and delusions that I need to let go of.  I guess I'm still getting over not having any heroes to worship and I still have a lot to learn about turning to myself for real inspiration.

Future Influences: Page of Wands, Knight of Pentacles, The Hierophant

There's playfulness in my near future with the Page of Wands, yet next to the Knight of Pentacles, it's business mixed with pleasure, or I'm having fun with work details.  That makes sense because I tend to think of my 'vacation time' as boring and being busy is more fun.  The Hierophant denotes confrontations with people who aren't free thinkers, though they like to think they are unconventional.  I must look out for hypocrits again, I'm afraid.  I should not let other people's uptightness bring me down.  I can only please myself.

Outcome: 10 of Cups, 2 of Wands, King of Pentacles

It's nice to see these cards because they bring a happy ending to my reading here.  The 10 of Cups brings me some satisfaction as well as a "family togetherness" love kind of happening in my sector of the planet.  The 2 of Wands brings some control and clarity.  And the King of Pentacles could bring an opportunity for expansion.

Looks like I shouldn't worry too much.  And here I was hoping I'd foresee some kind of romance in my future.  Or lots of money.  Thing is, readings don't work like that.  I use the Tarot as a tool to focus on my issues and try to see past my own bullshit.  Not easy to do.  This was just a summary. 

Inspired by the 36 card Lenormand fortunetelling system, these card original card designs (by me) are referred to by their images and meanings, not just by their suit or number. 

The Aces

Ace of Clubs (Ring), Ace of Diamonds (The Sun), Ace of Hearts (Gentleman), Ace of spades (Woman)

The Ace of Clubs, known as The Ring, deals with bonds, vows, marriage, relationships that bind one person to another for good and ill.  If you draw this card with the frowning face on the ring facing you, it portends bad marriages and broken vows.  If you draw the card with the smiling face beside you, you will have a good, harmonious relationship with others.

The Ace of Diamonds, known as The Sun, brings illumination, optimism, happiness; outlook good.

The Ace of Hearts represents a man and the Ace of Spades represents a woman.  These cards are pulled out of the deck to indicate the sex of the significator (person asking questions).  Usually in a reading, when it's a man asking the questions, the reader will take the Ace of Hearts and place it in the middle of the table.  Nine cards are drawn and placed around the Ace of Hearts.  If the Ace of Spades shows up close to the Ace of Hearts, perhaps the man is asking about a woman or is about to meet a new woman -- the relationship will be defined by the surrounding cards.

The Jacks (or Knights)

Jack of Spades (Child), Jack of Hearts (Valentine), Jack of Diamonds (the Scythe), Jack of clubs (the Rod)

The Jack of Spades is The Child; she brings trust, children, and innocence, maybe even a little foolishness.  She is generally good but she can be a brat if surrounding cards indicate disharmony.

The Jack of Hearts carries a Valentine; the eyes indicate whether or not the romantic sentiments are wanted or not.  The left eye is angry, the right eye open and alert.

The Jack of Diamonds is a man carrying a heavy Scythe; he indicates that something is about to be cut or someone(thing) needs to be cut from your life.

The Jack of Clubs is the general holding The Rod; he always brings war, conflict, adversity.

The Kings

King of Spades (Lillies), King of Hearts (House), King of Diamonds (Fish), King of Clubs (Clouds)

The King of Spades is King of the Lillies; he will either support or critique your work.  Look at his eyes.  Like the Valentine card, one is more open than the other.  In all matters, this King means business, gives attitude, and is the one responsible for handing out rewards.

The King of Hearts has the House on his mind; he indicates domestic life, fruitfulness, prosperity, family, and projects that could be considered "close to home."

The King of Diamonds likes to play with the Fish; he takes you away from the doldrums, bringing fun, luxury, and a little bit of laziness with him.

The King of Clubs is a storm of Clouds; you're in danger if your significator (Ace of Hearts if you're a boy, Ace of Spades if you're a girl) is close to his dark side.  If you're close to his bright side, you'll be okay.

The Queens

Queen of Spades (Flowers), Queen of Hearts (Stork), Queen of Diamonds (Crossroads), Queen of Clubs (Snake)

These were my favorite to draw!  The Queen of Spades is your friend; she brings an abundance of love and indicates contentment.

The Queen of Hearts holds the Stork; meaning that change is coming and that you may have to sacrifice your time/energy for someone else who is younger or weaker than yourself.

The Queen of Diamonds finds you at a Crossroads; she tells you that some major decisions have to be made.

The Queen of Clubs is a caretaker of the Snake; she whispers all sorts of gossip --  of double-dealings, jealousy, hypocrisy, and petty politics.

The Sixes (not complete)

Six of Diamonds (Birds), Six of Hearts (Tree)

I still have 18 more cards to finish, so this is just a preview of how the next ones are coming along... 

The Birds indicate troublesome thoughts and feelings; a person maybe so busy asking too many questions that they miss the answers.

The Tree deals with health issues, energy, and sex (just look at the trunk, nice, eh?).  In fact, now that I think of it, I believe this card I got wrong!  It's supposed to be the SEVEN of Hearts.  Oh, well.  I'll fix it later...

I also did an experiment previously to see what the cards might actually look like.  Here's what I came up with:

I want to create these cards as a "reverse" of the traditional playing cards.  The above are just rough thumbnails for now, I will have to consider more when it comes to the "numbered" cards.  But that's all for now!  I need a life...

I went on an adventurous search for something special for Andrew this week.  He was looking for a cast iron cauldron that would hold five gallons or more.  At first I wasn't sure if I would be able to find one, much less afford one that big, but after a few phone calls to some of my friends in the Pagan community, I managed to track down a company that specializes in making big ass cauldrons!  Now I want one for myself.

I used to have a cauldron that held 2 gallons but my ex took it.  Not that I've had much use for one, mind you, still it would be nice to have one around whenever I get together with a group again.  Except I'd have to have two; one for cooking and one strictly for ritual use.  Well, maybe one just for cooking in the great outdoors, now that I think of it...

And just what kind of ritual would require such large cauldrons?  Well, all kinds of rituals involving any kind of cooking or brewing for a crowd.  I'd probably use one strictly for divination purposes and store it underground. 

Not very many people own cauldrons anymore, you see.  Before people had stoves, they cooked their meals in big iron pots.  Using cauldrons today harkens back to those early times and the cauldron itself is symbolic of the mother's womb -- where we all come from.  The cauldron is also especially special to the goddess Cerridwen.

I'd explain more, but that would require a lot of words and I'm not in the mood to go on a huge tangent today.  Besides, for the most part, being pagan has required me to explain to people who I am and what I believe and for once I'd just like to say I'm pagan and not have to explain further.  However,  for anyone out there interested in Paganism, ask me any question you have and I'll be happy to answer.  I'm not that stingy with witchy info!