Distance @ MindSay

It amazes me when I pick up the right book at the right time.  I love reading simply because a book can remind me of things easily forgotten.  The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella served as a reminder of many things.  It is actually the second time I've read the book; the first time when I was still living in California before my relationship with Josh began.  If I remember correctly, it was right after Alexa died.  Now, however, it seemed to make stronger points to me.

Samantha Sweeting spent every waking moment for seven years trying to become a partner in her top notch legal firm.  Twelve years before that was in preparation of becoming the best lawyer she could possibly be.  One single mistake (that wasn't even made by her) changed her life in a split second.  Mistakes in the legal world can obviously be costly.  This one happened to cost her client 50 million pounds.  Mistakes in her world were unacceptable, and so when the mistake came to light, she left without a single word - just walked out of the office and kept going until she landed on a stranger's doorstep.  The strangers mistook her for a housekeeper an agency sent to them.  Not having any answers of what to do about her life (especially after finding she was fired for her reaction to her own mistake), Samantha decided to make the best of the strangers' misunderstanding and remained as their housekeeper.  The funny thing is Samantha can't boil eggs much less do a load of laundry.  This top-notch lawyer ended up falling in love with the gardner and the charming country life she began to make for herself once she learned to slow down and smell the roses.  She learned to cook and clean.  Life drammatically changes for her and she just adores it. 

Suddenly the legal firm realized that Samantha never made a mistake, that a senior partner set her up to take his fall should his financial scandal be found out.  The firm fell over themselves to make it up to her and offered her an even better position in their ranks.  She was torn between accepting the offer and remaining where she was.  The gardner skipped town to make the decision easier for her.  But halfway to London,  Samantha leaves her partners on the train to find her way back to the love of her life even though she had no clue where to find him in Cornwall.  All she knew was she would find him somehow.

Gods, I love this book.  It's just absolutely wonderful. 

"It doesn't matter.  Don't beat yourself up for not knowing all the answers.  You don't always have to know who you are.  You don't have to have the big picture, or know where you're heading.  Sometimes it's enough just to know what you're going to do next."

Soft sigh in relief.  Lately I've been searching for all the answers and getting extremely upset whenever I'd come up empy-handed.  I often thought about going to the local metaphysical store to have my tarot read so that I get some answers, but I haven't had the money to do so.  Then I read these words and realized that it doesn't matter if I have all the answers.  It really is enough just know what to do next.  For instance, I know I need to find a part time job.  That's what I need to do next.  And it doesn't really matter what kind of job it is... I know I can do anything I put my mind to as long as I have Josh's support.  I know I'm starting school next month.  That's as far as I need to go... the only answers I really need.

http://www.onemanga.com/Tsubasa_Reservoir_Chronicles/1/04/

I've always liked Tsubasa Chronicles, but this picture has never spoken to me so much before as it does now.

We see each other. We're close enough to touch, but we can't. We reach out for each other, but the touch is stopped by the unbreakable glass. Our hands press against the clear wall, so close to each other and miles apart at the same time. It looks as if we're holding each other, for a second, but we're not. There's no warmth: just the chill of the smooth wall.

I can't say if I'm Syaoren or Sakura in this picture: frankly, I feel like both.

I'm not trying to be a mopey emo, but this is something that I'm really worried about. It's something that I've always done, and I don't even know why. It never mattered much to me before, mostly because I didn't realize I was doing it. Now that I know, I realize I have to change.

There is a glass wall around me, too. Ask me a question, and I will answer. Ask me a question about myself, and I'll change the subject. It's not as if I don't like talking about myself...I'm just as self-obsessed as the next guy, after all. The problem is I can't.

I feel things very deeply. I mourn, I laugh, I get so angry I want to destroy the world. Anyone who sees me would know this. But that's all you'd ever see.

I can't show what I feel. I feel like I can't communicate honestly to anyone. I'm more than happy to discuss all your problems with you, but the instant you ask about mine, I clam up. It's not that I don't want to talk about them, either.

It's that I can't.

I don't know how I got to be like this, but I feel so fucked up. I know there's something wrong with me, and posting this in some blog is the only way I can share it with anyone. My voice won't work, no matter how much I try.

I hate this. I hate this so much, being unable to share anything with anyone else. And it's getting to be the biggest problem I've had in my life so far.

My friend wrote this poem awhile ago, and I feel bad about using it here, but it just says everything I just wrote here so perfectly:

Your eyes pierce into me
Trying to read my soul.
I push you away, I try to run
But I can't escape your hold
You long to see inside me
What I hide so deep within.
But my shattered heart can't just come out
And I can't let you in.
Patient, you wait for me
And try to scale my protecting walls.
Please, stop this hopeless attempt to climb
Before one of us falls.
-Liza Pichette

(Link to poem: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1963040/1/Before_one_of_us_falls)

There is someone trying to scale my protecting walls...but I'm afraid that I won't be the one that falls. And I want to. God, do I want to.

Things like this make me happy....


Do you know what else makes me happy? Getting closure, resolving issues, and feeling like a huge weight has been lifted from my heart.
I ran into Ryan today. It was quite unexpected, as I had just been standing there talking to Amy when he randomly walked up and was like "Hey Mea." I was so surprised that I actually jumped. No, I'm not exaggerating. And then, after I'd returned the greeting...I just stood there. I hadn't seen him in months or even talked to him since that fateful day back in November, right before he stood me up. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I fumbled and bumbled until he asked how I was and I was able to reply and inquire the same question. After a few moments of awkwardness, Amy (who knows everything in relation to the whole Ryan issue) was like "Well, I've got to go." and just left like that. Well, after that he asked about my classes, what I'm taking, etc., then if I had any plans/anything I needed to do right then. I didn't. Neither did he. He said he'd come on campus to check his P.O. box and to go to the bookstore and return/pick up some stuff. He asked if I wanted to go around with him. I said okay.
We walked and talked, occasionally joking, occasionally letting moments of awkward silence pass. He acted like everything was normal....like nothing had ever happened. He made a point to try to include me, though. Finishing with different errands and inviting me to go with him to do the next thing, asking me what paint brush to buy, and telling me that I had made his Ryan outing successful. He seemed to be trying to show my by his actions that I'm, for lack of better word, valued or appreciated. However, when we were getting ready to go our separate ways and he was saying it'd been good to see me, etc., I had to get some clarity and resolve this issue once and for all. And so, I swallowed my fear and simply said something along the lines of "Okay, I have to ask...if for no other reason than to just make things awkward....what is this, exactly? I know it's kind of mean to put you on the spot like this, but I need to know. I mean...do you want to be my friend?..I thought you did but I don't know. I don't want something like before to happen again. I don't want to be thinking one thing when the other person is thinking something else."
I was really surprised that I got enough nerve together to say that. But you know, if I want to be friends with him then I should feel comfortable being upfront and honest with him about that type of thing. And so, anyway, he responded, saying that yes, he does want to be my friend, what happened before was all on him, and that he knows he needs to pull his weight this time.
:)
So, we're good. And maybe in some ways even better than before. Because I had always kind of wondered in the back of my mind, "Are we friends? Are we classmates? Are we classmates on friendly terms? What the hell, man?" and now, I know. We're friends, both wanting the other's friendship. So I can act like we're friends. I don't have to feel like I need a reason to call him and see how he's doing, etc.
I feel so much better. I mean, I'm still stressed about stuff (school-related, of course), but it's unbelievable how much lighter my heart feels after talking to him about all of this. It's incredible.

So I just had a self-therapy session in my closet whilst sitting in a laundry basket. I complained about everything bugging me.

And you know what?


It worked.

So I dream
So I lean
On empty shoulders
That fade like boulders
Dead weight
Dead fate...

So I dream of sitting on the stars
So what if these dreams are so far
They can't possibly be further then you
Can they?

If the stars are so distant and you're twice as much
And if I achieve that distance even on crutch
Would that mean that with you here by my side
I could achieve anything?

If I am to sit as still as a lizard
Frozen dead in the blackest blizzard
Would you somehow find this shell
And breathe the breath of life?

Would this kiss bring about a certain bliss?
Would it create a love that seems sent from above?
Would I fall forever and drown screaming never?
That'll I'll drown in love and never give you up?

How is it that you drag me across the stars
And paint a picture of our hearts this far
Even if you're a few states away
I love that you ignite my dreams this way

From the lizard frozen in the blizzard
You breathe the breath of life like a knife
Cutting through time and distance I can't help but wince
At this new found love that fell from above
My dear, my heart, my love, may you never fall apart.