Disgusted @ MindSay

you ever have the feeling of disgust just come over you....but really have nothing to be disgusted over.
Well I have just now I am in a really pissed off mood and do not know why .
I know I need to just sit back and chill.


I am suppose to go to friends tonight.
However the mood I am in it would best if I just stay home.
I know that I am an asshole today .
And I just do not feel like dealing with people  .

Am I crazy ?….probably .

i have a lot of thoughts running through my head right now, n none of them are about the trip later. it sux cuz once again i feel the need to try to censor myself n i shouldn't have to because i don't know who's going to see this n making it friends only isn't going to help. i'm in the process of ignoring some things because i know it will only cause me pain, and interestingly enough this person has been causing me almost nothing but pain since they came back into my life a little over a week ago. i was worried, but i was happy i didn't have to put up w/ this shit n when this person came back i was happy to hear from them, but was quickly saddened to see that, just as i suspected, not a god damn thing has changed. (way to prove me wrong) a couple days ago i saw something that disgusted me. i mean, truly disgusted me. n no matter how much i've tried to keep this other person's feelings in mind n not tell them that, they still don't understand or are too stupid or whatever to see what i'm saying. i think i have this habit when ppl hurt me really badly of forgetting they have feelings, too. this is possibly because the first asshole that really fucked me over really didn't have n e n then nam...well, who fuckin knows. i think he did, but he obviously didn't love me like he said he did n this is one thing i've been tryin to explain to said person, but again, i think they're an idiot. (i've also been trying really hard not to tell them that, too, but here it is now, n if this person reads this n tells me to fuck off or somethin then i'll get into more details about why.) ok, i know i have said some hurtful things to this person and i'm sorry. i really am. but prove me wrong already n nothin u can say is gonna change my mind. i'm currently ignoring this person just because i've learned that its never worth it to argue w/ a moron. i feel bad cuz i know that if this person sees this they will be hurt and it hurts me to be in this position...part of me wants this person in my life still in the hopes that someday i'll watch them progress but in reality i know they're just gonna keep goin down this same road, the road i saw them start goin down about 10 months ago n every step of the way i've been proven right. i try hard not to say i told u so, n now...rawr, more details than i want to get into. w/e. maybe now they're mad enough to try to prove me wrong. or maybe they don't care. i really shouldn't, too, but i'm stupid n i care about everyone. i mean that. unless a person fucks me over i always care about everyone i meet, even ppl i haven't met. i'm a very...sympathetic person? empathetic? i don't know. but i should get dressed or somethin now. i have an extra hour cuz my first class is cancelled today, but already i've wasted much of it. now to worry about tonight...

So today I was kind of okay,

Till I went to the drama club meeting.

We all had to introduce ourselves.

So I did

and then this kid,

got up and said

"I'm Joey.......

then there was a long pause

Gallagher"

 

those words seemed to condemn me.

It's like I'm in prison and he is the only inmate besides myself.

I can't escape.

 

The two words I seemed to forget just constantly come back to haunt me.

 

He's like a death sentence that won't go away.

 

He's the dark cloud above my head.

 

So my heart STOPPED>

 

I looked up

and thank god.

 

he looked nothing like the one I hate so much.

 

 

 

So that made it a little better

 

but still....

 

 

I guess you should understand if you know all that happened.

What is it with you men?

I mean, after 50, 40, hell... even 20 years you think you'd be able to control your own penis.

 

Seriously.

Must you, must you find it nessecary to MISS the toilet?

Oh no.

Not just ONCE and awhile.

Everytime.

 

Good, god.

If you can't aim.

Sit your ass down.

 

p.s. - This does not, by any stretch, refer to all men, just those who I work for. I basiclly work with men, who are babies, and I... in for all intense and purposes, are their mother.

 

why.the.fuck.did.i.give.Scott.my.phone.number?stupid.stupid.stupid.stupid. I really hope he can't find a room for tonight. That and I'm glad Phoenix came up with the fake name idea. i've been telling the guys that i'm potentially seeing for money that my name is Alexis, that is, if they ask for my name. but.why.the.hell.did.i.give.him.my.number?that.is.so.stupid.i.hope.he.doesn't.call.me.stupid.stupid.stupid.stupid. I'm really not into this sex for money thing anymore, and it has nothing to do with the drama that's been going on this week, it's just that some of these guys are assholes and they're not paying me nearly enough to treat me the way they do. Scott's only paying me $50, and as pushy as he is, I don't want to see him for less that $100, but sure enough, because i still don't have the strength to tell a guy that i'm not interested in that i'm not interested in him. Fucking disorder. In the past when i rejected some one....well, you know....i know that wouldn't happen in this situation, but my fear gets the best of me. Ack, he called back. I guess i'll update you on how it was when I get back. If you have my number, please call me at 7:30 so i can get out of there! thanx!