Discovery @ MindSay 
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A few years ago, I began a journey of self discovery being prompted by this thought; how can the true measure of ones virtue be known unless it's tested against a wall of vileness?
So far, this is what I've discovered; "I'm not full of virtue or noble qualities" (as I imagined myself to be) and, there are junctures on this 'road' that, when met, stir within a sometimes violent, emotional confrontation, resulting in a submissive willingness to go far beyond the parameters of the person I've wanted people to believe I am.
There's wildness and sweet abandonment in me . . . I've fallen and am falling; stumbled and am stumbling; rushed, yet am rushing, headlong into the internal/external ecstasies of substantive love . . . which has revealed itself to be the inescapable foundation (and hence, the beginning) of authentic and meaningful relationship.
I'm just beginning to breach my dimensions. This character study is proving to be the one upon which all others will hinge . . . (I think!)
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I received news that my father has fallen ill and was hospitalized today. I don't suspect I will need to be absent for an extended time, but I will need to leave town tonight so that I can be near him. I anticipate a night or two, but no more.
Before I leave however; I wanted to share with you a little more about 'Hope' (have not yet discovered her name) because she is so fascinating. I have managed to place some events of her fragmented memory into a chronological order. I get the feeling, as I read, that the reason for her journals are to boldly attempt to piece the events of her life back together.
Hope is a girl who doesn't feel as if she belongs in this world. She frequently feels lost, adrift in an ocean of confusion in a world that rejects her more so than it rejects average bloke. Yet, Hope seems to be a girl who tries harder than most. I have seen nothing to this point that has indicated that anything has ever come easily for her. Reading is sometimes painful. Living her life required a woman of unthinkable strength, determination and persistence.
Hope's 'awakening', is something of particular interest to me. While I am sure that she didn't literally 'sleep' through the majority of the first half of her life, I am quite certain that something has kept her mind sedated. This mental sedation could be the result of some sort of naturally produced chemical in her body, or the chemical could have been introduced by some foreign means, unknown to Hope of course. Other scenarios may seem far fetched, but I will not completely rule out the possibility of abduction, mind control, trauma, or scientific experimentation, either.
At the time of her awakening, Hope described an all encompassing 'numbness' - physically, mentally, emotionally. She was absent of hopes, dreams, needs, love... she could not feel pain, regret, remorse or empathy... nothing could excite her physically, emotionally or otherwise. By the same token, nothing could depress her. She was truly devoid of what most of us would associate with human emotions.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, something broke or a valve was turned on. The best analogy I can think of is a water hose, one with full water pressure behind it, suddenly crimped. Behind that crimp there is pressure - and lots of it. In front of the crimp, absolutely nothing... at most, the occasional trickle. Now when the crimp is released, there is a mighty gush of ... water. In Hopes case, there was suddenly a mighty gush of emotion - fear, love, desire, empathy, joy and excitement. There was a gush of thought, memories, dreams... there was a gush of awareness and suddenly she knew she must be human.
But the world around her... she wasn't sure how she landed there.
While I hate to leave you hanging, dear reader, I must prepare for my journey. I shall return.
I don’t even know you. How could you possibly be worth my heart? This is the question that I must answer. I think I have found the true weight of the emotion used so carelessly by so many. Love [soft sigh]. I have often called love the most fickle emotion because people can love one moment and maim in the next breath. Love seems to be this elusive ‘sentiment’ that can be ‘given’ and then ‘retracted’ almost at will. It seems to me that love should be more permanent than that and love, it seems, should be impossible to control.
There this phrase I coined lately. “I more than love you.” Mr. Webster and I need to have a serious talk here because I’ve come to know the infamous ‘love’ on a personal basis but wouldn’t dare call this mind boggling, heart wrenching, all encompassing, life altering, uncontrollable, beast of an emotion “love”. Mere “love” as it is known, practiced and sought after wouldn’t begin to scratch the surface of what I have felt. I suppose that like so many other things, we’ve managed to water ‘love’ down, too. Where did I miss that episode of Survival in the Real World?
The Paradigm of two people who share a bond is that they never share a unified emotion. In my case, I’ve found an intense, deep, unconditional and totally focused desire to see another person happy. I’m convinced that there is not a more pure or genuine emotion experienced by any other human being. This is more than love. This is my heart.
Along comes ‘you’ now and she begins to fall for you. I want her happy. You seem genuine and you seem to genuinely care for her. Accepting you means forfeiting my heart and I have to know…
Are You Worth My Heart?
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