Discipline @ MindSay

Last year I was almost dead set on becoming something in the medical career. I love watching medical shows (House) and especially medical documentaries (i.e. about OCD, conjoined twins, progeria, etc).

However, I've analyzed my life and realized with my laziness and lack of motivation for schoolwork, I cannot become anything in the medical career. Just because I am fascinated with the human body and different conditions, does not mean I am cut out to become a physician. It takes discipline, love of ALL people and able to control people when they are in hysterics/a mad fit of rage/etc, being able to work long hours, MANY years of school along with top marks, and not being grossed out by normal things.

When it comes to myself, I obviously lack discipline, I am not a fan of children (although I honestly love people...especially my friends. I care deeply about all of you...really, I do), I am lazy and therefore would not be able to work long hours, I do not want to be in school for too many more years (and again due to my laziness I have shit marks), and I get grossed out when I see someone bleeding in real life.

What it comes down to, is that last year, I thought I wanted to be in the medical career, but after realizing the above things, I changed my mind. I looked at my interests and decided that history would be much better suited to me, despite the fact it may be hard to find jobs here in T-BAY. I'm sure I will find something though. There are problems with every career path.

However, my main problem standing in my way is my laziness in school. I used to be a straight-A student, but after I went through a bad fit of depression a few years ago, I stopped caring, and stopped doing regular homework. As a result, today I am several weeks behind in all my courses, and brutally failing. I have very difficult courses (2 University courses and 2 advanced placement courses. Maths and Sciences, no doubt) and have dug my self a deep, deep hole in less than 2 months. I have no idea how I'm going to get from failing to above a 70% average before exams…especially with the fact that today I found out that only the first half my Calculus course counts towards my mark, meaning that I got to do extremely well on the last few assignments/quizzes/tests and the exam in order to get a passing mark. It will be hell, but it's something I got to do.

But now that I realize what I want to do in University, I'm asking myself "Why am I taking the extremely hard courses and not doing any work and failing when I could take easy courses, not do any work and pass?" It's obviously because last year I thought I was going into the medical career, but I really should have changed my semester around in September, and then I wouldn't be in this situation. And I wouldn't have to deal with the stuck up, rich, preppy kids either. They keep asking me "What is your mark, Kristal? What did you get on your test, Kristal?" etc etc. I always say, "I don't discuss marks." because it's really none of their business. This therefore poses the question "Why ask if you don't care?" (Hence the title of this blog.) Because really, they are not friends with me, I don't talk to them (and vice versa), and my mark has nothing to do with them. I believe they are asking in order to feel a sense of superiority against me. I don't know if they realize I'm failing (they prob. do) but really, they should be concerned about their own mark, not mine. I feel shitty enough for being selfish and not doing anything, I don't need them laughing at me along the way.

High school is bullshit. It's shit years in which the problems we face do not matter in the long run. Sure, things like pregnancies will affect those girls who get pregnant, but really, 90% of the people in my classes are caught up in the world of sports, student council meetings, drinking with friends and homework, and complain when a teacher they have tries to teach like a university professor to get them prepared for real life. It annoys me that they live in this protective little bubble of meaningless gossip, and unleash their "problems" unto other people.

I'm just glad that I got out of that group many years ago. I believe my friends really do understand the real world, and understand real problems. Of course we all bitch about our problems, but I really do think all my friends problems are true and really matter: they aren't about a basketball game, they are about illness, poverty and drug use. Of course we all worry about friends (myself included) but I believe in order to really be a high school student that's prepared for real life once they get out, we must know and experience bits of reality outside our shell. Of course, we all must enjoy friends: that's the fun! But we mustn’t be ignorant either.

I love you guys, truly and deeply. I'm so glad you face reality instead of ignore it. Don't ever lose that about you.

    Discipline is essential to have in order to live.  Self-discipline is even better to have than externally motivated discipline.  It is true that it is also difficult to learn, but that in no way negates its necessity. 

For anyone to say, “Discipline is difficult to learn” might in no way state a complaint.  It is simply a fact.  It does feel as if discipline does “%*#(!)” at times, but dwelling on this feeling is usually counter-productive; especially on self-discipline proven wanting, giving rise to corrective discipline.  I could leave out of this article the negative feeling entirely – disregarding that I have felt it, since I should not have ever expressed, “This sucks!”  But, not only have I felt it; I also have, in fact, expressed it in time (even recently) past.

Since I have restricted myself to a realistic quantity of self-indulgence that is not done for self-indulgence’ sake, today is my appointed day to blog.  I find that, for now, I need the creative outlet of writing.  I hope to come to the place that I need no food, nor drink, nor air, nor sexual activity, nor artistic expression, nor affection.  But I still have, both to do and to partake of these things, to keep my body functioning to its fullest potential, in this place at this time; and to give some of myself to others.  Thus, we fortunate ones in blogdom, share in the beauty of the blog.

As an unfortunate woman of the world, previously, I took some privileges for granted.  I share, in a separate blog, that I joined blogdom secretly, as if by right.  I have many rights granted by law, but this is speaking physically of the state in which I currently dwell; and discipline is not only required for physical life, it is also required for spiritual life while I live.  One inalienable right is: to abuse the law.  The state adds a caveat, which the Creator of the Universe and Infinity does not: When caught so abusing the law as to infringe on the rights of another, one must go to a human court of peers to stand trial.  This can possibly result in the loss of all legal rights, including the right to walk freely about; let alone bear arms, raise children, or post blogs. The given examples are all potentially mighty weapons for good as well as bad, in my opinion.  As a woman of good moral character, I cannot take my legal rights for granted; I must consider others.  This includes considering whether my legal rights are right for me.  ‘Blogging at will’ is not right for me if it leads to neglect elsewhere in my life.    

I hope to write more on this topic.  My time for this, for today, is almost finished.  Readers of my posts may anticipate that I return to it next month at the latest. I have used other networking and blogging sites.  This service is the one with which I feel most comfortable right now.  I like Mindsay, probably because I shopped around a bit before I ever joined a blog, and this seemed most worthwhile then, too.  Then again, I may have nothing worth saying for a long time.  Again.

 I have set aside three days/month on which to log onto the Internet.  They are: the 1^st, 11^th, and 21^st of each month.  Sometimes I have family business, outside of my immediate family, to which I must use some of that online-time sending e-mail.  I have friends outside of my large extended family, as well.  It takes discipline to use my time effectively.  Since time is all I have, and it is finite, I had better use it wisely.

My 3 year old son loves to touch everything, especially tiny living things like worms and goldfish.  We have both at our house.  The worms are in our front yard and surface by the dozens after a rainstorm.  For the fish, I buy feeder fish (12 for $1.00) to keep in an inexpensive, basic aquarium.  My total investment for fish was less than $20 and it keeps him amused everyday.   However, I was raised as a compassionate person who knows these are living creatures who don't deserve to be poked, stuffed in a bottle, thrown in a bathtub, and otherwise treated unethically.  My conscience tells me to take the fish away until my son is older and more understanding.  But my heart loves to see him play and laugh and talk to the fish.  He does his best to take care of them (as only a 3 year old could) and he doesn't intentionally hurt them.   He proclaims himself a "fish expert" and tells me he knows everything about fish.  He helped me put gravel, plants, and driftwood in the aquarium.  He feeds them daily and helps me change the water weekly.  I feel he's learning more about nature and science than 1000 trips to SeaWorld.  And yet.... I still feel great remorse when one of them dies an untimely death.  As with everything with kids, there's no easy answer.  All I can do as a parent is continue to play referee and make sure the fish get their fair share in this game of life.

I've been at the new job for a month, now.  I have to confess ... this is perhaps my least favorite job of the gazillion I have had in my lifetime.  WHY? 

When a teenager misbehaves, they have made a cognitive choice to do so (influenced by others, sure, but it's still their personal choice for the most part) and can be introduced to the concept of consequences. 

When a 2 yr old misbehaves, chances are it's because of something they see/ hear at home.  These kids ... my God ... they've only been alive for 2 years and already they have faced more than many people face in a lifetime ... the bad stuff.  Parents in jail for any number of offenses; physical, sexual & mental abuse; and occasionally, a simple, but well-hidden developmental issue.  Sometimes, I just want to scream! 

Today, I had my usual 6 - 2 yr olds.  The oldest one just turned 3 and will be "graduating" to regular headstart on Monday.  I told him (for the third time) to stop running, and he looked at me and said NO.  I arose from my "story chair", and as I approached him, he began to back away, head down, "please dont hurt me ... please don't hurt me!"  My heart broke.  I just wanted to hold him and make the pain (and the memories) go away ... but he wouldn't let me, at least not for another few minutes.  He has a sweet & kind heart, but occasionally, he "snaps" and simply pounds another kid for no reason.  It's what he knows. 

Then there is another boy who will be 3 Dec 6th.  He picked up the "rebellious" ball, and ran with it.  Every time I asked him to do something, he said NO.  (Yes ... the first word many kids learn!)  I have very ... very few means of discipline available to me.  I picked him up and put him on my lap.  I explained that I was the adult, and he was the child. It was his "job" to listen to me, and mine to keep him safe.  I explained that it is hard to play games and have fun when kids don't listen.  He looked at me like I was the man in the moon!  What a novel thought ... kids doing what grownups say!  :)  I wish I could say, he was a NEW kid!  hahaha  NOT!  But he is trying, I think.  I just hope my patience holds out!

But the highlight of my day was a bonefide temper explosion!  Where are the nice, well-behaved little girls???? That's what I want to know!  I have a roomful of boys and I'll go round and round with anyone who believes boys and girls are the SAME!  NO WAY HOSE A!!!!  Anyway ... boy #3 is on his cot for nap.  He is fighting sleep, whining, crying, fussing, but ... slowly he is sinking into sleep.  His gramma does the food ... opens the door and walks in.  YOu guessed it!  He exploded!!!  Screamed, cried, kicked, punched ... anyone!!!  I tried to hold him securely, but not so as to bruise him or frighten him and his struggle only intensified.  He was wearing a sweatsuit with no T-shirt ... and he's was working up a real lather.  I was blank.  No idea what to do ... how to calm him.  I asked the other teacher ... no clue.  She had never seen him like this!  So ... I took him to his gramma who promtly took him upstairs which threw off the preschool ratio!  OY!!  So now this has become a "center" issue.  I'll speak with the Director in the morning! 

So ... I'm in trouble already!  Sheesh!  Didn't take me long, hmm?  I spoke with the Family Resources Director this afternoon and basically asked ... What SHOULD I have done???  No answer ... just handle it!  I haven't been there long enough to have had time to actually read the procedures manual ... but it seems it doesn't really matter.  There are no "procedures" for handling multiple kids who are doing the mobb thing ... "No, we don't want to walk.  We want to run and if we fall it's YOUR fault and we'll tell mommy!"  So ... I rearranged the room ... again!  :)

I'm frustrated, though!  I cannot discipline the kids to teach them to behave.  It's obvious that most of them get their way completely, with only a few exceptions, and that angers me.  As if these kids don't have enough going against them ... and there's an entire generation like this!!!  God help us!  I'll survive this day and grow from it (I hope), but will they survive???  Will they make it to adulthood and learn "right" from "wrong"?  We can only hope ...

~ B