I say everyday that I am not going to let other people's failures stress me out. But everyday, I think to myself what kind of people act that way. I try to be cordial, because I don't want to end up estranged like my aunts and uncles, but it gets harder everyday. I wonder how one says to their mother that they are an embarrassment, or spends everyday mooching her into bankruptcy. I wonder how adults can do these things, and still look themselves in the mirror. I know I have been far from the perfect child. I was, and still can be sometimes, a wild child. I have cursed my mom, hit my mom, bit my mom, and many other things that I AM NOT PROUD OF. I have learned hard lessons in life because I refused to listen and learn from others. I had to have things my way, or no way at all. And I found that by acting this way, and conducting my life this way, I was always miserable. So I decided to change. It has been a hard road most days. Learning to control yourself once you get to be an adult is more than quite difficult. But slowly I have learned to do so for the most part. And now that I have reached a point in my life where I am pretty much self sufficient, I wonder how these people can function everyday. Maybe that is hypocritical of me because I have spent many a day and night acting out and just plain being an ass. But when I see my mother bust her ass everyday, and have nothing to show for it because she is so busy making sure everyone else is happy, it hurts my feelings. It makes me angry really. How can you sit back and see that, and it not affect you at all? How can you form your mouth to tell her that she is the embarrassment? What do you have? What have you accomplished in your life? How do you look at your own child and feel good knowing how you feel about your own mother? Last time I checked, she is the reason you are here to start with, and the one you run to when you figure out your friends aren't all they are cracked up to be. She is also the one who took you back in because that same man that you are embarrassed to introduce to her wouldn't let you live off him. And no, you aren't the only one I am disappointed in. I expected more from both of you, and while it's not me that you have to make happy, it still hurts to see you this way. It hurts more to see what you're doing to mom though. She sacrificed her whole life for us, and this is what she gets for it????? Sarcasm, blatant disrespect, no help, attitude?? She doesn't have to help you at all. You are both intelligent, capable adults who could do for yourselves. But yet, you choose to sit by and let her drown. Not in her own mess, but mostly in yours. She is not without faults, and neither am I, but we try. We try everyday to make sure everyone has what they need, and stays as happy as we can make them. Yet, we get the short end of the deal, always. I wish you could see, or would see exactly what you are doing to her. You are killing her and you don't even care.
love
