Disappointed @ MindSay

We were going. I had decided within the short time after I posted the previous blog that we were definately going on the 15 hour road trip to visit my Mom. I talked to my brother while my Mom was at work, in hopes that I could persuade him to do some cleaning for her. My Mom can be picky about her house, now that there are no children living there, when she has someone coming over. I figured he could scrub the main bathroom, since he's the only one who uses it, vacuum, and pick up. He didn't say he would, but that doesn't even matter. My Mom got home from work, saw the caller ID where I had called, talked to my brother, and found out my plans all before I could call her and tell her myself.

 

Now back up a few days and we go to where my Mom has been having trouble getting things with the utility companies straight. Most of them were in my dad's name, and when he died 2 years ago she didn't have them switched. The power company is some sort of co-op where they put money into a sort of savings account for you. She just found out there was a rather large sum of money in the account, and is trying to get it released to her. Going through this process she found out there were several things she should have done to publicly declare my father's death, and she is now, 2 years later, trying to get it done. I found all this out last night, but this has nothing to do with my decision to visit.

 

Fast forward back to today. I went to the store after the kids got home, and then we were all outside for a bit. I came in to cook dinner, and picked up the phone to call my Mom. I had not been back to the computer to check my email at this point. When I called her she asked if I had gotten her email, which I had not. Here is the email she sent me...

 

 "Tony just told me you are planning to come here next week. I don't see how in the world you would do such a thing. That's way too much for you to try with all the children. You cannot possibly be thinking this out. I don't need you to come. I have got the free lawyers down town to help me with everything.

the one night that i seriously didn't want to just sit in my room and drink and play the sims, it turns out that reanna is in salem, oregon. she said that rob called her yesterday, which makes me kinda jealous because he hasn't called me since the last weekend me n albert had together as bf n gf, but i've always known he was more into her than me. (yesterday was also ben's birthday, so i wonder if he was trying to avoid a party or invite her to one. sure, i was busy yesterday, but it still hurts that he didn't call :() i'm too chicken-shit to call him, tho, so instead i just texted him that i want to hang out n to call me. i know that i won't hear from him at all tonight, but at least i tried, right?

my roomie stephanie just got here w/ her bf justin n they're watching the Venture Brothers downstairs. (i'm assuming its my DVD.) she always knows where parties are, but i don't feel like partying really. i just wanted to kick back and chill with people...and maybe get drunk in the process, lol. i wanna call albert so badly right now. i know we can't hang out, but even just to talk to him...i dunno, there's a few ppl i may try to call, ppl that i can talk on the phone w/ but can't hang out w/ because they live really far away. i'm still trying to keep myself happy and excited because i'm going to be in ohio in a week- and oh yeah, reanna isn't going back to the bay for the break, which i didn't think she was, n her roomie monique isn't going either so i think i'll just take greyhound. i could find a ride w/ a stranger like i did for earthdance, but that was a really different situation...i mean, now i actually would care if the person giving me a ride killed me, on purpose or accident.

"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try."

-- Beverly Sills

those of u that read the convo i had with j two nights ago may have caught me talking about last friday. in short, what happened was reanna was supposed to drive down n hang out w/ me n i told her that if that didn't work i could probably get a ride from my parents up there. well, at like 3:20 i called her cuz i was tired of waiting n she said our friend Zach was in town. now, as much as i'm mad at j, i know he likes reanna n i knew it would hurt him a lot to hear that she was already fucking some other guy, so i didn't tell him that. next time i might. but yeah, basically reanna really likes zach n wants to date him, but zach doesn't want a relationship. he pretty much wants friends w/ benefits, but u know, TRUE friends w/ benefits as in they're actually friends! he's not just using her for sex, they actually hang out n do other stuff like friends do. they just also have sex, lol. but n e way, as soon as she said Zach was there i knew she was gonna flake on me. i knew she was gonna blow me off so she could keep fucking some guy, n i've been thinking a lot since then about if i would have done the same thing if i were in that situation, especially knowing that my friend was feeling suicidal. i mean, i remember days that i couldn't be intimate w/ Nam or that i could barely even sleep when i was super worried about Anna because i knew she was having a hard time. then again i have changed into the kind of person that's so desperate for a lay that i keep letting some asshole fuck me (j), but what if he liked me or loved me? what if it was the kinda thing Zach n Reanna have? well, sure enough, she flaked on me n then all this crap n i cut myself n cried n blah blah blah. n seeing that j was running off to a rave didn't make me feel n e fucking better, either.

 

then at 2:30am i got a phone call n when i looked at my phone i saw it was from Zach. i was thinking, "well its kinda late to hang out now" n i answered n apparently what had happened was reanna's ex, ryan, called her while the two of them were in bed together n he had a conversation w/ him while Zach was STILL IN THE FUCKING ROOM! Zach may not want a relationship w/ her, but he still likes her and he even cares about her enough that he called me, a good friend of hers, to talk about her n try to understand wtf is wrong w/ her. it was really nice getting to talk about all the shit about reanna that pisses me off. I told Zach that i knew she was gonna flake on me when she said he was there, n he said that they'd both felt bad. I didn't doubt that, i'm sure they did, but i knew she would do it. i even explained that i wondered if i'd do the same thing under the same circumstances n i'm not sure that i would. we talked for a long time n after talking to him i came to realize something- reanna doesn't seem to realize there's other things u can do with boys than have sex with them. For example, Zach took her out on a date once. She said when they got back it was awkward cuz she thought he wanted sex n she didn't want to have sex. When i was talking to Zach, apparently what had happened was he was supposed to take her on a date n he called her to see if they were still doing it. at the time she was working on her car with Ryan. i'm honestly surprised that she didn't flake on him n just fucked ryan again. Zach said that when she called him n he showed up she hadn't changed at all n still looked grubby from working on the car. he took her out n they came back, n all she seemed to want to do was be with ryan again. after hearing his side of the story it made me think about how fast she moves in relationships n how she acts when she likes guys or they like her. it explains another reason why she's so weird about j having a crush on her, because she thinks all he wants is to fuck her. Now, granted, i'm assuming that all of u reading this have had crushes on ppl before. u know that yes, in a way, when u have a crush on someone u kinda wanna sleep w/ them, but its not the main thought in ur head n its usually not the first one. The first one is usually, "wow they're so funny" or "wow they're so smart" not "hey i'd like to hit that." lust does not equal love n crushes are a hint of love. she doesn't seem to understand that some boys want more than sex from girls, but after her previous relationships i can see why she'd feel this way. her n ryan weren't even dating a week before they started fucking n he wanted it so bad that he'd even go n cheat on her every chance that he got. its no wonder she thinx that's all guys want. i also explained how frustrating it is to be friends w/ her when she gets so much attention from guys. yeah, if i got attention from guys like she does i probably wouldn't like it so much, either, but she doesn't realize how fucking lucky she is. i've come to realize that i'm yet again the ugly friend for someone, but i can get more into that later. i could tell that Zach felt better after talking to me, but i didn't just attack her the whole time. i tired to explain to him, too, how difficult it is to let go of someone u've been dating n known intimately for so long. even after me n my ex broke up i still tried the "let's still be friends" bullshit, but no, even when me n Nam were officially dating he constantly tried to get me to cheat on him n shit. n i told Zach what reanna said about how Ryan plans to visit n that if they were still single when he was, they'd fuck.

 

we didn't hang up until 4:00am n he'd strongly recomended i called Reanna to see if she was ok. i didn't for a moment n i thought for a while whether or not i should. then one of my complex internal struggles began to strike: the old me would have. no matter how mad i was at her or how stupid i thought she was, i used to be such a good friend that i would have done it. ultimately yes, i did only because i felt guilty, but i still called her. she hadn't even realized that he left, n i'm sure if Zach found that out he'd be irritated. based on the way he was talking to me it sounded like she knew he'd gone, but she had no idea. Now she feels like shit because she feels like she fucked things up between them, but i tried telling her that she hadn't lost Zach n to give him time. he had told me over the phone that he still wanted to hang out w/ us, but it sounded like he didn't want to n e time soon. what amazes me is that she does realize that she was in the wrong, but she doesn't seem to realize why it upset him. She kept saying shit like, "he's not my boyfriend, i'm not gonna cut him off unless he is," n i had to explain to her yet again that that's not what Zach was complaining about. What had pissed him off was that she had a very intimate conversation w/ her asshole ex-boyfriend while Zach was laying in bed w/ her after they'd just fucked. only a tad bit inappropriate. Zach even told me that when she acts this way he's not sure she even likes him, and I reassured him that she does. I mean, she's told me that she really likes him a lot. I suppose that because she says so doesn't mean its true, but i'd like to think she wouldn't say that if she didn't.

 

as i said w/ j, the rest of the weekend was still disappointing. i was really excited when i got there cuz i wanted to go out n meet ppl n do things, but both Reanna and her friend that she's staying w/, Alia, were tired n just wanted to rest. I spent Saturday night just watching TV alone w/ a cat, which i could have just as easily done here in Santa Clara. the difference is that here the cat is Leela and there its Puma. then shortly after midnight i heard Puma going crazy behind the couch, n i thought he was just playing one of those weird cat games that bored cats often play with themselves. Then i saw Reanna's hamster Nubsy running out from under the couch n accross the floor. There was no way i could catch the hamster and restrain the cat myself, so i went into Reanna's room n woke her up, told her what happened, n we were able to grab Nubsy before Puma could get him. The fur on his side was covered in cat saliva, but other than that he seemed fine. Puma kept sniffing around the dryer looking for him n eventually gave up. after about half an hour me n reanna went to bed n i hoped the next day would be better.

 

On Sunday we went to Telegraph, one of the main streets in Berkeley, n that was ok. we had to get gas, first, n this is when i realized that the house where reanna was staying was down the street pretty much from where j's ex Carly lives. i started triggering but decided not to say n e thing to Reanna. i told her a bit later when we had to go thro that intersection again, but she didn't seem to catch that driving thro that site was something emotionally painful to me. i'm not surprised. Reanna doesn't seem to tune into others' pain nearly as well as she can tune into and bottle up her own. that's just how some ppl are. Telegraph would have been a lot more fun if i had money, cuz what did they do? go shopping. I. Hate. Shopping. I know some of u sexist fucks are probably shocked to hear this from a girl, but seriously, it is sooooooo fucking boring! Especially when u have no money! i don't go shopping unless i have money to spend n the only place i usually go is hot topic because even tho i hate that store i know they're bound to have something i like. we did eventually go to the Vivarium, n that was cool. i got to see all of the aminals, but of course after that they wanted to shop some more. one of the places we went was a make up store n there was some blue mascara reanna was debating trying, but since her n Alia were both already wearing make up they put it on me instead. that was actually kinda cool, lol. My dad called me shortly after that n asked if i was coming home n even tho reanna said yes, i figured she'd flake again n i was right. i was so disappointed by that night that i actually did wanna come back so i could read some more, but i didn't say n e thing. we watched Queen of the Damned, which wasn't that bad, n then we watched Motorcycle Diaries n that was a good movie. the next day Reanna brought me back here n yeah. that's pretty much it. i left some stuff out, but i'm sure it'll come up again.

 

so now its Friday again n we'll see what happens. Shea said she was gonna call me tomorrow so part of me is kinda hoping that Reanna flakes on me again. i'm not sure Shea will call, but we'll see. I hope she does cuz i'd love to hang out w/ that girl n make real friends w/ her. i told her a bit about my convo w/ j n apparently she's the one j lost his virginity to, which i kinda assumed. i told her that i asked once how old he was when he lost his virginity n he looked kind of ashamed, didn't answer, n i told him he didn't have to answer n e thing he didn't want to. At this he said, "ok, next question" n i asked him something else. (this was after my birthday party so i don't remember exactly what i asked him after that) She enlightened me that it was the summer of their junior year so he was 17. knowing now only makes me wonder more why he didn't want to tell me, but w/e. finding all this dirt on him like this makes me feel a lot better about all of the shit he's made me deal with. :)

Russel has a girlfriend. I just died. If only...