Despair @ MindSay

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I finally managed to get nana's speakers working today.
Even after she was on the phone asking my aunty how to get them working - because she'd managed it before with a different set - Dixie worked it out and we had sound.

So nana was sat at her computer for most of the day playing Solitaire, Freecell and Purble Place.
Purble Place is proper random. It's this shitty little game for kids with matching and puzzles, but nana proper likes it.

I was laid on the bed playing a combination of Shadow The Hedgehog and Super Paper Mario.
With Super Paper Mario, I finished off the 2nd chapter and thought, oh fuck it - then went for the 3rd one.
I'm currently right at the end. I got to the boss but proper died because I didn't have enough HP and I was being proper careless, letting the twat eat me. It's such a SHIT game.

Nana made sandwiches with polony today.
I'm not sure if that was right. Polony is better just sliced up and nommed upon. I took some of it out and replaced it with a hotdog sausage and ate the polony alone. So I had a balance of both, I suppose.
Oh, and we had some pretty epic fucking muffins.

I only feel depressed because I've had my mind elsewhere all day.
Somewhere dark and forboding and filled with endless amounts of failure and despair.

I find it oddly amusing, yet confusing, how somebody says, “You just don’t understand” but it seems that they never speak it from the heart. Somebody can only say words like that to such an extent before they can’t say it anymore before it eventually grows false and then everything washes away and they can start away.

It’s only those who are lost themselves that can say, “You just don’t get it. You don’t know how I’m feeling.”
I say that because most of the time, I can’t even describe how I’m feeling. When I say that I’m sad, and somebody typically asks why, I can’t snap to an answer. I can’t even think of an answer, except “I don’t really know.”

There are too many factors that could have lead up to my brutal mood swings, which have calmed down, but are still active. It could’ve been the loss of my obsession, addiction, love, care, and time that I had to leave behind the beginning of this year. It hasn’t been the same without them. I have a strong feeling in my gut that that could be why. I say “I’m over that”, and mean it at the moment. But in my heart I don’t really know if I’m speaking the sincere truth. Despite the fact that the thing I treasured for so long, for nearly three years, has been brutally awful for me – I still think. Despite the fact that I know if I go back, I’ll be damaged with scars that won’t heal, I know at least I’ll be able to feel the fake care and love that I was once treated with. That I once felt, despite the fact that it wasn’t true.

I long for something. I’m desperate for the feelings that are yet to return. That’s one of the main things I want. I want to feel safe in somebody’s arms, but they won’t come to embrace me and my tear-stained face.

Recently, I purposely trained myself not to feel. I was sick of feeling. Whenever I felt guilt or shame swamp me whenever I knew I did something wrong, I brushed it off – and eventually it stopped. Whenever somebody insulted me, I told myself over and over that it doesn’t hurt. No harm has been afflicted. And so it was. But unfortunately, it’s the same case with falling in love. I can’t even do that anymore. The only things that I ever can feel anymore are happiness, anger, and sadness. There’s no excitement, fear, or infatuation. Just happiness and sadness. I trained myself not to feel anything else, and, thanks to that, my heart is so used to that that I cannot get it back to the way it was beforehand.

And yet people still praise me. They tell me how much of a great person I am. I didn’t save the day. I never magically healed somebody. I never helped somebody who was in great need. I don’t get where they get the “great” from. Or the “inspiring”. I’m not in any way special than your next person, unless you want to count the special that means “I ride the short bus with a stick person on wheels slapped on it”.

I want to love again. I want this anger taken away. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. Not die - just fall into a sleep which means I don’t have to face my reality for another day. I want to live in my own dreams. I want to be standing there, in my own dreams, feeling the sweet bliss that rarely ever seems to visit me. I want to love and be loved. I want to stay happy without being haunted by the emotional scars that will never seem to heal. I don’t want to feel angry or hostile whenever somebody confronts me about something. Anything.

All I want to be is back to who I was before… At a time where I could feel, at a time where I was happy, at a time where I felt loved, at a time where I did feel accepted, at a time where I could smile without forcing it, at a time where I didn’t cry this much, and at a time where I wasn’t insecure.

“You don’t understand me.” And I don’t think anybody fully will until they have the condition of my heart beating within their chest.

Last day with the kids. About half the ones that I'm closer to will be in kindergarten next year. Manager tried to talk me into coming back next year. I'm now halfway-committed to returning here for my AFA.

I'd want to anyways, if I went ahead with it. I learn a lot more from this director than I do from the one back at FCC. I'd love to finish out all my theory studies under Scott at SCC - I love Scott's classes. But, one semester was enough to teach me not to try a daily 110-mile (total) commute in Minnesota. I'd have to live on campus if I were doing SCC again. Also, of the schools I've attended, this one has the best ASL program - SCC doesn't have one at all.

Have come to the conclusion once again that I hate FCC. Frustrated, because it makes the most sense economically, and career-wise. I've really been happy here. I was actually pretty happy at SCC. FCC is a concrete prison reeking of despair and failure.

It's about the sunlight. Minnesota is very cold. I get this. Glass lets out a lot more heat than concrete. I get this. SCC is, admittedly, a little chillier, and perhaps a little less organized and secure than FCC. But at least the majority of the classrooms there don't feel like dungeons.

There are either no windows, or foot-wide archer slits. Well, the Science Center is kind of okay. The Sports Center is great - big, airy, big windows, nice comfortable study spaces. Somewhat noisy from time to time, but y'know, at least you can read in there without little damp-shadow demons creeping into your mind, whispering despair of every time you've failed or you might fail in the future and forcing your mind lower and lower into the dense-packed mud until you conclude that there's no possible way that you'll survive and you'd do best to give up now and spend your every effort trying to breathe again, to lay hold of life before it escapes your body and you're driven tracelessly into the swamp and forgotten by the world as every other failed student before you.

I am not a fan of this institution. And yes, a great deal of that has to do with architecture. It'd be fine if there were more places indoors where you could study and at least SEE out, even if the sun didn't directly come in at convenient study hours. But, there really aren't. I know back passageways and hidden staircases and other useful methods of elusion all over this school - but very, very few of them are near a window.

There are some other issues with it, but I think it comes down to that I hate this institution because it doesn't have enough windows. Most of the music department (where I spend the majority of my time) is underground - there is NO sunlight that ends up in there.

In other news, I have concluded that I want to repaint my bedroom the same yellow as my dorm here. It's cheery, and I like my room, and I haven't redecorated my room at home since I was at LEAST sixteen. This probably makes it a rather frightening place. I rearrange the furniture every so often, and I've been known to get annoyed with a poster and take it down, but it's remained fundamentally the same.

I have to figure out something to do here. I'm not sure if I can approach a FCC counselor with, "Hey, I want to get my degree in this, but I hate your school because it sucks all joy and hope for success out of my soul, so I was wondering if you could help me find another school that offers my degree, would accept my credits in a transfer, and doesn't do that."

Something...just...clicked. An idea, anyway. I don't think it's possible at the moment, but it might be in time. It means scrapping part of the plan, but if I remind myself of why that plan was geared the way it was, it makes more sense than what I'm doing now.

My heart sighs every time it smiles.

Andy's back at school.

He helped me with math today. Well, he tried.

He makes me laugh like no one can.

He was wearing some sort of cologne though, which disappointed me. He has such a wonderful natural smell.

Why do you torture me so. Just finish me off... but no,

Stay a little while longer...

I can't believe how quickly I can still go from doing so well to suddenly feeling awful.  I went to Denver and had a great time.  I came back and I've been busy, hanging out with friends, doing this, doing that, having fun.  I even had to deal with seeing her A LOT at work yesterday and the day before, and still I was doing great.  Suddenly today, I just feel like I'm going to lose it, I feel sick to my stomach again - a feeling I haven't had this strongly in at least a month. 

 

I'm at such a strange place.  I miss her so much, but I know at the same time that I couldn't ever take her back, even though I'd probably try if the opportunity presented itself.  That's what marriage is to me.  I made the commitment, and until the divorce is final, I would still try.  And through all this, I find myself paying attention to other women in a way I haven't in quite some time.  I feel encouraged that I'm able to do this, but at the same time, it makes me sick because the fact is, I'm still legally married.  I almost feel torn inside.  Part of me is moving forward the way I need to, but the other part is still so jumbled. 

 

Thank God a busy (hopefully fun-filled) weekend is on the way.