Depression @ MindSay

well, its been awhile again...I haven't been myself since July-August probably and I didn't feel like writing any.
The Dixie Classic Fair was fun though,but I got very tired that day.. That it how its been . I get so tired doing anything and stomach problems too. I was glad when my Doctor appointment finally arrived over a week ago now. All my blood work came back with great results. No thyroid problems or Liver problems and I'm not perimenopausal either... Cholesterol levels were great as were blood count, etc.. so, Dr. said it sounded like depression. All the stress from this year...Yes, worry is a sin..I don't handle it very well and I give it to God, but I always manage to pull it back..Not what you're supposed to do...so now I'm back on my Zoloft after being off it for well over two years..Starting to feel like me again. Last friday at the West/Reynolds game I had the best time. My friend I haven't seen in a long while, Trace' Cave Cunduff came. and wonders of all we saw John Sherrill too! We haven't seen him in years! Long years! LOL He has not changed a bit! He's still John! haha.. we had a great time picking and carrying on..just like the old days again! I knew I was gonna be okay then..
I can almost pinpoint a time when I really felt lowest...The day we got that Certified letter from our mortgage co..I had to sign for it and my heart sank...I prayed so hard while opening that letter, and called James crying my eyes out...That was hard, as I have written before. I just kept praying though, and I knew God would answer in His time, but I was being honest with Him and asking Him to hurry up. :)  Not what you're supposed to do either, but He knows me and we are all human and live in this imperfect world.
Meanwhile its been getting cooler and having crisp nights. There have been some Indian Summer days though. I was able to not turn our heat on for almost 2 whole weeks.
Then Monday came. I was working at home on Quickbooks trying to get it straight for Biogreen. I get a call and answer it. It's Lynn. She's been helping us deal with our mortgage co..She said"They are sending you a package out Fed Ex and you should get it tomorrow.. Your interest rate dropped to 6.375% and your new payments are like $848.00"... My skin started prickling and I cried... I felt relief wash over me.. She didnt know the rest of the details..we'd find out from the letter.. I stayed home again on Tuesday and worked on Quickbooks again,finishing it....James came home for lunch like he always does...I see the Fed Ex truck back into the driveway... James goes to meet him and signs for the letter... we sit together and open it. I read it...
"James, it says that this is for the next 365 months!"  Oh my! Here come the pricklings again!!! We look at each other.. "So this is the new payment for the rest of the loan?" "Yes!!" Hallaluha!!  after trying 3 times with them to get this Loan Mod, we get it and it's great! we didnt know if it would be just 6 months as most are or a year, but the life of the Loan!! That was such a blessing !!! A burden lifted!! I thanked God all the rest of that day and still am....
another prayer was answered too on Tuesday. Ariana was able to trade her Jeep and her $2500 for a 2002 Saturn! It only had about 75000 miles on it. Her jeep broke down over a week ago and it was a pain trying to get her to College and picked up and to work and me to work.... it was a mess but we did it.. and she had to buy the $84 dollar part and Jeff fixed the jeep for her, but it still needed a battery...she'd go somewhere and have to get a jump to start it... Not good..plus it was eating gas and ate oil like crazy too. She had to put 3 quarts in every two weeks or so.. she did cry though...The jeep was her first car... She didn't really want to give it up, but she knew it was for the best. Now she 'll have a good car when she goes to UNCC in a year or so..
and Morgan. He had to buy a new car too. Late September his old car starting acting up and stalling out on him, so James looked around here and found him a "97 Grand Am with only about 65000 miles on it.. and Morgan could afford it. he just had to borrow $1300 from Grandma to do it and he'll pay her back in Jan. when he gets his financial aid $ again. It cost him $2800.00. Both of the kids cars are white now! That is odd! I wont know who is who until I can see the whole car coming in!! LOL
So many blessings this week..... I am feeling better on my medicine and getting things done now that got neglected over the summer...Whew..now on to the next problem..figuring out how to pay our taxes of $1800.00!!! since we inherited that 7 acres of land, our property taxes went up...big time!! 
We signed the papers from the Mortgage co. and Fed ex'd them back all on the same day...we should hear soon about when payment is due and all that... 
There's still the matter of Christmas too. I told James we could not afford to buy for everyone this year... We will get the small ones something, and try to figure out how and what to do for Morgan and Ariana... I just want us to be together...I don't need one thing! After all what is Christmas all about anyway? -The Birth of our Lord and Saviour!!!! When you realize that, nothing else matters. Enjoy the season of Love!
Thanksgiving coming soon! Time to Thank the Lord for all our blessings! But we should thank Him on a daily basis... He does so much for us..look for the small things and the big things..There's always something! I remind myself of that daily...

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There's one easy way to tell if a session with Dianne was meaningful: I'll end up crying.
I try so fucking hard to stop myself, this time I was bending my fingers and squeezing my wrists - but as I said to her, if I start, I don't end up stopping.
I spoke to her a little bit about "5 to 15" - I recollected a few events. Those that I didn't think were majorly important, or that I don't think would have affected me that much in the future - but Dianne seemed to think they were useful information.
 
I got my first draft of the film studies coursework back today - Sarah said it's A-grade standard, but the fact I missed out a few chunks of information in places, it's only a C/B. So I'll be adding to it shortly - she's told me I ought to get an A overall for the coursework. I hope so. I want an A for film studies, seeing as how I managed to get one in media studies last year too.
 
I sat on the 2nd floor of the LRC in my break between the session with Dianne and my English lesson. I listened to Spieluhr on repeat for a while, until it started getting on my nerves - then swapped to Silverstein and Blind Guardian. I updated the blogs I'd left blank for Tuesday and Wednesday and had a mooch about on some randomers' blogs.
 
I've always hated English since I came to college - loved it before I came here, then it suddenly just got shit. I despise it even more now that Adam has been put into D block with me. He sits with Siobhan - he was sort of adjacent to me on the tables today, I was in a shit mood and he kept saying random shite to make me smile. I did smile at some of them, but I didn't feel smiley inside. I feel uncomfortable in that room as it is with all the arseholes in there, but it's gotten worse now Adam's there too. Sigh.
 
Hannah pissed me off too. I was simply asking Angela what it was we were supposed to be making notes on, and she goes: "We did the pragmatics yesterday... YOU KNOW, THE STUDY OF SOUND?"
I just gave her my psycho glare and growled: "I KNOW WHAT FUCKING PRAGMATICS ARE."
I'm surprised she didn't retaliate, she looked more surprised than offended at my response. Oh, I fucking hate her. She's always riles me because of her fucking ridiculous nasal-voice, but as soon as someone treats me like I lack intellect, they become hatred targets. Inconsiderate shit-sniffers!
 
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On the bus home, I was listening to Blind Guardian louder than I should have done - and this random old woman kept turning around and giving me weird looks. Fucking slag. You'd think sitting behind an aged person, they'd be too deaf to hear your music. I don't have it THAT loud!
It just sounds louder in small spaces, such as lifts... :)
 
I'm a proper arsehole in the bus station though - I was bounding off to catch up with the bus that was due to leave the bay - and there was this huddle of dirty chavs standing by the railings that just didn't want to move - so I just SHOULDERED one out of the way - the look she gave me was proper funny. I didn't even look at her, I just carried on, fueled by my full-blast Rammstein. :)
 
When I got in, I made myself some of those chicken & bacon motzarella wraps and ate them while I watched Spongebob Squarepants. Nickelodeon seriously couldn't time it better - it always seems to be on whenever I get in. I like watching cartoons after college, it re-fills my happy levels. My happy levels are usually always below centre, but they drop to negative figures when I'm at college. The shithole that it is.
Well, not the building or the tutors or even the lessons - it's the arseholes that are there.
 
I went upstairs, set up my Wii and I finished off Spyro: Enter The Dragonfly.
Good fucking riddance, that's one game I'm not re-playing in a hurry. Thankfully, it was only £3.50, so I didn't waste that much on it. It's not a TERRIBLE game, but compared to the other Spyro games, it just doesn't even compete. And they're on PS1 - this is a GC/PS2 game!
It's just the overall glitchiness that ruins it. All the disappearing floors, voice lags, control reversals, camera freezing and general jumping about makes it a chore. It's also WAY too easy. Having different breath attacks instead of power-up portals is NOT Spyro! The time limits on the power-ups is what makes it fun!
 
And the lack of the locate gems feature doesn't make it harder - it just makes it goddamn tedious. And WHY do you collect DRAGONFLIES? Not eggs, not baby dragons - ach.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks it's wank though - GameFAQs reviewers all only give it 2/10 and 3/10.
I've completed all of the PS1 Spyros at least twice each, because they have excellent replay value - but as per fucking usual, as soon as a mint PS1 series gets ported to PS2, it FAILS.
It happened with Crash, it happened with Parappa The Rapper - it was obviously going to happen to Spyro. :(
 
Tee hee, bad game rant is over. :D
 
 
So, with that pile of crap removed from my to-be-completed games wallet and put back into the box at the bottom of the stack, not to be played again in a hurry - I replaced it with Resident Evil.
Now is the time for me to complete the scenario with Chris. Seeing as how Chris is supposed to be hard mode, I'm very surprised at how easy it is. I'm not sure if it's got to do with the fact I already know my way around due to completing it with Jill - but when I played her scenario, I must have died a good 10 times. I'm at the guardhouse currently and I've not died once. The snake didn't even hurt me, and Chris only gets a shitty shotgun, Forest's bazooka just doesn't seem to be present.
 
I still shit myself when Lisa Trevor came in the outside hut - even though I knew she was coming - she scares the shit out of me. She's what makes the Resi 1 re-make so much scarier. That and all the graphical touch-ups, crimson heads, insane puzzles, extra rooms and the general darker overtone and detailed environments.
 
I should stop talking about games, otherwise I'll just end up turning my blog into a games review. :)

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I seriously fucking scared myself today.
I was reunited with that blackened, blankened emptiness in my head - the very same one I had when I spat on Ash from the top of the wonky stairs, when I punched her in the face by construction and the several major arguments with Shelly where I came close to strangling her.
 
I don't even remember what the build up to it was - I can only remember the during and the afterwards.
I remember getting more and more frustrated with her, knowing she was being a fucking stupid cunt as usual - being so damned selfish, self-centred, self-important, spiteful and generally immature - to the point where I ended up leaning over her, pinning her to my bed by her shoulders - actually not using a massive amount of strength, but she wasn't able to fight me off.
 
I wasn't violent - I didn't hit her - but I spoke with that incredibly sarcastic, patronising, calm-yet-very-violent tone - making no effort to swallow excess saliva - so when I said my harsh consonants, she got my wet rage on her cheeks. And I said a lot of harsh consonants.
 
I wanted her to be scared, and I knew when Shelly gets  that scared, she has accidents. I wanted her to piss herself - I wanted her to be humiliated, ashamed - I wanted her to have no control over herself.
I spoke to her like this for about 10 minutes, then went to sit at my computer for a while. What I did, I don't remember - but she didn't move - she stayed on my bed, laid in the same position.
 
I went back over to her afterwards and returned to what I was doing previously - but harsher.
At one point, I saw her flush red and she started crying hard - as opposed to the watery eyes she'd had for the rest of the time. I had a feeling I may have accomplished what I set out to do - but I made her admit to it to humiliate her further.
 
There's another gap in my recollection - but after this, I went to lay in my special space - between my bed and drawers. I took a pillow and laid on the floor, my head by the boiler and my feet by the desk. I cried a little bit, because I felt guilty. Then I cried a lot, because I was depressed and ashamed.
I couldn't apologise for a very long time - nor could I bring myself to look at Shelly. She made me eventually and I gave a sort-of apology. I don't think it was good enough, but she assured me that it was.
 
She made me tell her some events from "5 to 15" that I don't like talking about. She insists that they have some answers to why I feel the way I do now.
 
Well I'm willing to bet they do - but not as significant as she makes out. She fucking assumes wrong all the time. How dare she fucking assume and then go ahead to state that I ENJOY feeling depressed all the time. No, I'm not fucking content in my own depression. If that was the fucking case, I wouldn't have agreed to more sessions with Dianne. I wouldn't fight with myself every fucking night to stop myself cutting.
She is the fucking stupidest cunt I know. Who the fuck would say I enjoy being depressed? You can CLEARLY fucking see that I don't! Anybody could fucking tell you that!!

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I shouldn't have been so worried about going back to see Dianne.
I did tell her I'd done a lot of thinking. I'd pondered about why last year she hadn't helped me as much as she ought to have. It was because I wasn't open about certain topics - there were some that I'd purely flat-out avoid. That and the fact we hadn't really used a basic "structure" to our sessions - so we'd just been all over the place with everything.

I did start off when I went in by telling her that I didn't feel I deserved to see her again, what with all the time I wasted last year - but she cleared all this up for me.

So now we're going to have more structure to the sessions. And apparently she's going to be more direct when I refuse to talk about subjects that upset me but are important.

We'll see how it goes, shall we.

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This is the first day in a streak of numerous where I haven't actually felt like slitting my throat for every minute that passed by. Yes, I didn't feel as reasonable as I normally do - but I was better than I have been previously.

English was on for the first time this week. Angela was back, now with a traumatic tale to tell us all involving dogs and hospitals. She has a cast on her arm and it's in a sling. The cast is purple and it stands out a lot. :)

In my break before Photography, I ate a sausage sandwich and listsned to Rammstein on my iPod.
In Photography, Paul wasn't even in college, so we were sat around for ages doing shite all. I managed to freak Hayleigh out by showing her video stills from our many gory video projects - oh, and the trailer. :D
She's yet another person who thinks the vomit down Ash's front is real.
Mmm, yes - we stuck our fingers down her throat. :)

Shelly and I walked into town and she bought Canis Canem Edit from a charity shop. They were selling it for £1.99 - we'd seen it yesterday when we were hunting for music boxes.
I went to CEX and bought myself a new £25 baby. :)

He looked so cute when he was sat on the counter with all his wires and his controller - but the second I tried to carry him out of the shop, I was keeled over sideways under the immense weight of it!
I've decided to name him HUNK - for this very reason.



This is HUNK: my new Xbox. :D

(And there's the two games Shelly persuaded me to buy - Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time, and Fable.)
(Well, she persuaded me to buy games, I chose them myself. :P)

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Tonight, I've spent a few hours eating KFC, uploading CDs to Hunk's memory - and pouring out my heart to Ash over MSN. I felt I ought to tell her how shit I've been feeling recently.
I always had this inner hatred towards her for being so supportive to total randomers on DeviantArt - but I've realised she goes a little further when it's for me. She really was trying, bless her.
She was worried when I told her about Shelly and I were fighting - but I assured her we'll get through it. :/