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Depression @ MindSay



 

   
well well, here we are again my old friend

Hello Depression.



Nice to see you again so soon after you departed….



NOT.



 



Your buddy Hypo Mania just left the building not too long ago… she came in when you left the last time… I hope not to see her again for a while, although your presence is unnecessary as well. It would be nice if you two just made up and took a vacation together instead of raining on my parade every time you have an inkling.  I wish that you would understand that sunny days are for smiling… not being bogged down in your treachery. I would much rather be playing outside with my kids instead of loathing every minute that I am not alone while loathing every minute I am lonely. What a paradox. God forbid it gets cloudy and rains while you are here. I might as well not even wake up for the day. I can't stand it when you are constantly banging your head against my door while I am trying to forget you exist at all. It's not like I invite you in. Hypo Mania is so angry and aggressive that she is no fun to be around either. What a joy it is when you two decide to fight it out elsewhere while I lay on my hammock in a plateau of peaceful happiness...even if it doesn’t happen all that often. Those moments are the ones I treasure most. I squeeze every last drop from them that I can get. So Depression, please don't get comfortable. Don’t bring in your bags and keep the cab driver on standby. I expect you will be gone soon… because if you don't go of your own volition, my foot is going to get to kickin’.


 
 
   
 

Time and god
So I'm currently in this philosophy of religion class and we are discussing various things the most reacent of which is Gods relationship to time.

It's quite the undertaking an I don't think it's possible to come up with a good solid arguement for His being seperate from or bound to time. At least not doing so while keeping key attributes such as omnipotence and omnitence. I have generaly been of the opinion that god is seperate from time since I don't see how God could know the future if he were just as stuck in the present as I am. But this causes some problems becasue see now I had a begining [or so I think] and at some point I imagine I will go to heaven but I will have to arive there and WHEN do I arive in a state of timelessness.

I have come closer to the conclusion that I am in fact clinicly depressed. It's hard for me to believe, being a psych major and all. But I supose that doesn't really make me impervious to depression it just makes me perfectly equipt to rationalize away the symptomes for a lot longer than most. But I have to face it that I have issolated myself I prety much have one friend that I talk to regularly and I'm even starting to feel like she doesn't like me. I don't feel like what I have done in my  life is anything to be proud of, I don't really think I give people a reason to like me, for a long time now I've had a hard time looking to the future and making any sort of plans because I feel like there's not much point in it . A strange symptom I've recently noticed is one minute I'm feeling like everyone around me is inferior and I'm smarter, better looking, more succcessfull than everyone around me and then a little later I'll feel completely and utterly worthless and inadequate. I guess I'm feeling down and inconsistent. I've almost completley stopped writting, it's down to just the blog post here and there and those are so rare anymore I deleted all but two accounts. I don't have much interest in trying to paint anymore and I used to be very motivated to learn. I don't want to be around people but when I'm by myself I'm lonely- a lot of the time I'm lonely with people too. I don't like to talk to my family on the phone anymore becasue I'm afraid I'll eithor be a downer or dissapoint them. They'rae allyways saying how proud they are of me and I wish they would stop because is feels like a lie. I don't like to shop in public by myself because I feel like people stare at me. I'd like to just sort of retreat somewhere but I know that will probably  just make it worse. I don't have any particular person who looks forward to seeing me and that makes me feel like a looser. I think then "well find someone to make friends with- meet people" but then I get this pointless sense that anyone worth knowing already has friends and they don't have time for me. I feel like things have kind of gotten off track.

So yeah. That's something isn't it.

*Almost 10 years later*
I'm looking at this almost 10 years later and I'll tell you it got worse before it got better, for sure! I never sought "professional help". I sort of counseled myself and made strategies for when things got "too hard". And then when it got really too hard and the thought of driving into on coming traffic or imagining shooting myself in the head became too frequent and too comforting a thought: I ran away. I moved home. And that was right. Sometimes I think it was a bit of a failure to have moved back home but there's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and changing course.  And I only lived at home for a short time. I'm on my own again. I never fully explained to my family why I came home... sometimes I wonder if they sort of knew. They were definitely concerned about me at the time.
I'm a lot better now I would say but I'm very cognizant of where I've been emotionally and where I'm going.

 
 
 

   
Monday
Sifting through the ragged thoughts and jagged breaths of this past weekend leave me truly disappointed that I must rely so much on my medication to keep me balanced. Anyway, in other news...

I currently work at ZENI kinetic, a 3D print shop, where we build our own printers, make our filament and do 3D scanning. My boss is Nicco, I see him as an older version of myself, if I were more volatile than I am. There's also Zach and Anna, they work up front, Devin, our Webmaster, so to speak. Micha is business relations, if I were to put a name on it.. Aaron, Jeremy and one other guy, I forgot his name.. they are the engineering and build side of things.. That's really our team lol. Anyway, I get along with all of them pretty well, it's nothing hard to go through with them. I handle Shipping and Spooling, it's my area in the business, though when I first started, I had no knowledge of how to fulfill these duties.

I ran into Zach the night I ended up sleeping with Katie, the mutual friend between myself and Ria. To be honest, it was rather enjoyable and something I figured would happen at some point, but didn't expect it that night. I helped Anna move a giant mirror she owns and got tea with her afterward. I feel we're great for each other but terrible for her relationship, as is the case anytime I'm introduced into a situation involving couples and one on one time with the woman... I just seem to bring their interests to the surface and cause them to reflect on how much they want to leave who they're with..

On that note, Anna has already been expressing a desire to leave her bf and have me stay with her when she gets moved into her new apartment, rent free, just the cost of sleeping in bed with her lol. You see, we both have the issue where sleep comes easier with someone in bed to cuddle with. I wouldn't mind getting to know her better, and aside from Michelle, she's probably the one female I can see things going somewhere more than bed with. The night we moved her mirror and grabbed tea, I met her boyfriend Kelly, a man-child to the level most women think I am, but a respectable guy nonetheless. Anna is definitely something else, I look forward to work because it means learning new things, as well as getting time with Anna.

Aside from that, I mentioned in my last post that Savanah had bought me a rather expensive James Jean piece, Seasons, which I wanted to buy for myself but was unable to... Since then she's been more and more focused with her bf, still can't remember his name, Logan I believe... Anyway, she says she doesn't want to be with him and she doesn't want to marry him, which is the direction he wants to go. She gets the nerve to leave him, then decides to pretty much cut me out of her life... I really don't get her, let alone women.. I have not even really tried to get a hold of her since she started acting that way, she can make her own choices and has her own path to take.

I have court January 9th, my pretrial and when I meet with my Public Defender... I am so exhausted from life being a constant cluster fuck to another.. Speaking of which, my body has been in a lot of pain lately, both sides just constant bruised feeling, as well as my shoulders. The normal shooting pain is still alive and well as well, of which doctors have still yet to identify. There's also an aching and longing in my heart, I just can't seem to get past Jordan.. seems like I see her more and more often theses days.. the reminders are everywhere and I can't seem to help that.

"We ALL carry our crosses... Or we are crushed beneath them... It's the only reason I don't blame the life I have on the genetic disorders I have; In reality, it's not an excuse to be a screw up, so carry your cross or be crushed, because I don't let mine crush me. What's your excuse?"

 I posted that a couple days ago on Facebook, it was probably right in the middle of my breakdown. Time to reset the counter, [01] Day(s) Since Last Breakdown... Lol. On a high note, I picked up a broken Sony VAIO at the pawnshop down the road for pretty cheap, and fixed it, it's my new main.

Later days,

Christopher.


PS, the night I got tea with Anna at Salt Lake Roasting Co, I think we were closer than we should have been... there was lots of being more forthright than typical, as well as just being physically close in general, for no real reason... And there was that whole thing where she said I am her first choice if things don't work out with her and Kelly. Weird, right? I'm also terrible at discerning between being nice and flirting... Lol.
 
 
   
 

Love and Motivation.
I think I fall in love to quickly, too easily.. and because of that, it leaves a great sadness in my heart when it's over.

Mind you, I'm not talking about the love I had with any exes or family, nothing of that sort. I mean the kind of love you feel instantly when you see something utterly awe inspiring for no reason other than the way it makes you feel. When a great swelling and opening happens in your chest and you cherish the smallest of details, that kind of love. I find it when I read a great book, hear a piece of music that moves me, when I see a woman I find beautiful, regardless of measurable beauty to anyone else.. I find it when I come across some memento of the past that was made with such great care and surgeon like precision from the hands of someone that cared. 

I find this love in so many things, so random of things.. and none of it can truly exist, none of it is lasting, yet the hollowness of it's inevitable departure, I will feel for some time after it is gone.

I also fall in love with women I meet in passing sometimes in person, other times online, I admire the intricacy in those fine details they put together, just hoping to catch the eye of the person they're with, yet I know I will never again be the one to breakup a couple because of love. I did that throughout my youth, never intentionally, but it happened nonetheless.. I just fall in love with these women and show it, and they leave who they were previously with.. Nevertheless, I do feel this love for strangers which too brings such pain when the moment has passed. 

It is through love and loss that I might find the most maddeningly deep motivation for improvement, a sort of strive for a "Monte Cristo-esque" level of control and unparalleled manipulation of the world around me, for which I have found as profoundly destructive as constructive for myself... I've learned that limits are a good thing for me, because without them I will surely break my body in attempts to surpass intangible enemies I find in the past. My largest source of motivation comes from the many trophies and scaring material which has set up residency in my life, these reminders of the past, of loves and losses I cannot hope to recover.

Even tonight, I found a few that have made me want to get up and run out the door, like I'm chasing after the image of what I was left for, being only strides away.  These reminders and guilt trips, however intangible, give me a benchmark for which I strive to surpass, be them people or ideas. I want, no, I must be better, I refuse to feel inadequate, for whatever reason, though I don't know why. I'm not concerned with being the best, just being better than the past... Motivation is probably my only combatant against the depression, I really feel the medication is only a band-aide, that the true healing will never happen and the only hope I have to get through tough parts is by being motivated for further improvement.

I have broken my wings, yet, someday, I again will fly.

Christopher.


 
 
 

   
Robin Williams
I am not now, nor have I ever been, depressed. I have never done drugs or been a drinker. No one in my immediate family has ever had a drug or alcohol problem, or been diagnosed as depressed themselves. So that whole world is one with which I am unfamiliar.  I'm all too aware that I am fortunate and blessed to have been granted a life unencumbered with any of these demons that plague millions of others.

I am also not a doctor or a psychologist, so I have no qualifications to assess the recent news regarding Robin Williams, a man of extremely rare talent and personality.  His death was as much a shock to me as to you, probably, and I am bewildered at his decision to terminate his one and only life this way--or any way. But it was a decision he apparently believed would solve more problems that it would create or perpetuate.

I am in no position to disagree, as I never walked in his shoes.  At minimum, I hope his family can someday come to grips with this event and put it into a context that makes some semblance of sense for them.

In the meantime, I also hope that a national conversation on this subject is launched through this tragic news, and that people who are suffering with depression, drug addiction, or alcohol will be able to at last find real remedies before it's too late.  Take it from me: living without those chains--whatever else might be happening--is not too bad.

Here's hoping, if you are struggling, that you find a path to contentment and find the means--above all--to live until you do.
 
 
   
 

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