Depressed Again @ MindSay

Dixie currently feels:

 Depressed

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Yesterday, whilst Adam was round here again - he told me he can tell when I'm depressed.

His main reasoning was, whenever I'm with him, I'm prone to laughing spontaneously for long periods of time. I'll laugh a lot at most seemingly normal things he says.

But his reasoning was that when I'm depressed, I don't laugh, I'll only smile minorly.

So I thought, and I applied it - and I found that he was right.

So I'm wondering, am I really that obvious?

When I'm alone in the house and depressed, I'll wander up and down the passage, staring at the floor.

If I'm laid on the sofa in the living room, I'll stare at my reflection in the fireplace for ages.

If I'm in my room, I usually sit differently in my chair - I'll slouch more, whilst I normally sit really straight.

I've also noticed I get less enjoyment from things, and when I think to myself, I swear less, and when I talk, my voice is a lot more emotionless.

When I'm around others, I'll isolate myself.

In school, I'd sit down my aisle, or I'd sit at a table alone.

If I were on a table with others, I'd remain silent, and work quicker, with my head down.

Yeah, I'm starting to realise.

I actually am that obvious.

I must've been really sad yesterday, because Adam actually hugged me.

And that never happens.

I'm sitting here, wanting to cut myself open just so I can see something bleed. I've been thinking about slitting my wrists a lot lately. not to commit suicide, but just because they'll bleed more than my stomach. and if i cut higher on the arm, the winter months are coming so no one will notice. I haven't studied for my midterm tomorrow. Why should i? right now i don't think my life is going to go anywhere. Every one who I consider friends is off living their own lives. That's great. I just wish I could be a part of it. Wish i could do something other than binge eat and break my own skin because i'm in a pain i can't escape. The only person I want to talk to....I don't know what it is, but I always say something to make him upset. I called him today, left a message cuz i thought he was gonna call me back, and i think it might have been a little bitchy. he called me a while ago, and i appologized cuz i was depressed when i called. He said it was ok. i asked him about the stuffed animals. He started yelling and getting all pissed off. He was just like, "I don't know, I don't remember!" wtf? i asked him so calmly and nicely. i kept just saying, "calm down, calm down." I wasn't in the mood for a fight and hadn't even anticipated one, hence why my door was still open when i called. I always make him upset. He hung up cuz he has work to do. I'm glad he's taking more responsibility with his work. after all, he doesn't have a psycho bitch girlfriend to deal with anymore.

I was gonna masterbate and fall asleep but emily came back. she just told me she's gonna leave in like 10 mins, but now i'm too depressed for even that. i think i'm gonna go for a walk. Maybe into town. I'd go in the forest, but I know i'd smoke pot when I found a group of stoners willing to share, and I really shouldn't. I feel like such a hypocrite when i do. Maybe into town. If this is how I'm going to spend my days feeling, I might as well be a prostitute whoring myself out to desperate single men in their 30's who have no other way to get off. I don't see the point in anything else. There isn't one.

So now it hits. That deep depression that i had most of last semester. I'd say i don't know why it's here, but I think i do. the burnout is hitting me later than usual. i'm going through alcohol withdrawls. i cheated on my diet again today, but on the plus side i'm still planning on going to the gym. no one in this area except for really creepy really older guys- with the exception of the guy i've been seeing recently who's now sick- wants to sleep with me. i'm not attractive enough to get the younger horny bastards, just the ones in their 30's + with beer bellies. I'm stressed because I've been depressed and therefore haven't been going to classes. the only jobs open fall semester i'm not qualified for. Best of all, i think i might have someone new to add to my list of people to dedicate Papa Roach's "Scars" to. Or perhaps I haven't tried to help him fix himself. Perhaps i've just given up because I know he'll be just like everyone else. He'll deny that anything's wrong and snub me. Or perhaps it's not as bad as i think it is and my disorder is making me over-react as usual. It's hard to know what's real and what's not when you're crazy. Let's not forget that today is Anna's birthday. She's 17 today. I haven't heard from her in...nearly three weeks. Of course I'm worried about her cuz she was having a hell of a time when we last spoke, but I'm planning on calling her after my last class. If no one answers I'll just leave a message and try to call someone else, which I'm sure will fail. I hate being so depressed all the time. That's not even everything I can think of to bitch about, but i'll leave it at that. Fuck i don't want to go to my next class, but I have to. I've lost all my will and motivation. I wish i could get my Nantucket Nectar bottle open. fuck me.