Death @ MindSay

I'm thinking about admitting myself to a mental health hospital. I think it would just be best that I admit myself and not tell anyone where I am until I'm ready to deal with things.




I just need to find one.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm hungry, but I can't find the willpower to get up and get something to eat. So then I just don't get hungry anymore. I have an incredible headache right now, in fact I've probably eaten more tylenol in the past 48 hours than food. I haven't left my room more than 4 times in the past 48 hours.  I actually have class tomorrow, which means that I will have to go outside and face the real world. But then I'm done for the week again. Apparently Monday was some sort of holiday and we didn't have classes, while I only have classes on Monday and Wednesday each week, so I had a full week of nothing. And then one day of classes, and then another four days of nothing this week. So basically I'm doing nothing right now. Haven't done anything, haven't eaten, haven't felt the motivation to leave.

Oh also haven't showered in a bout a week. Since I haven't had anywhere to go or people to see I've just been loafing around. I really hate myself for this. On good days I like to wear cologne and feel fresh and clean, but that hasn't happened in about a month. I tend to go through phases of absolute grunge to fresh and clean. I haven't shave for a month now and I've got a gross mustache and neck beard. My hair is getting long too and that's not helping my appearance. I'm pretty sure that someday this week I'll have my cleaning up ceremony where I actually take a shower, clean my face, shave, wear clean clothes, and not look like a tramp.

Maybe this is all because I've been abnormally depressed lately. More so than I've ever been before. I just don't care about things anymore. I know I'm depressed, but I'm just riding it out.

I am trying to help out a friend who came home today to find his wife had passed away while he was at work. After lots of CPR and waiting for the medics, they declared her dead on arrival.

This fund is to help him with expenses and just to let him know people care about him. I know that the screenname CASizemore probably means little here, but if you are able and willing to assist your donations would be most welcome.

help me someone!!! i dont know what to do! my life sucks but this last week has been hell. i want to kill myself. ive thought about it before but i rly want to do it now. i think watever is out there is better than this even if its nothing. ive never actually tried to commit suicide but ive thought of it. i hate my life. i think im goin to jump off bridge..... thats quick.... now lets see when to do it............. how about 8/8/08 at 11:11 ya thts good that will giv me time to make sure i want to do this and its a cool time to do it. 

I'm slipping away into madness. I can feel it. I always knew this day would come. I knew it way back then and I know it today.

I didn't wake up until 13:30 and basically only ate one meal. I haven't been hungry lately, but that's probably because I don't do anything during the day. The only thing I do manage to do everyday is find a new way to keep myself from killing myself. I drank five beers and passed out around 15:00. That killed a few hours out of my day. I smoked a blunt then watched a spiral thing to see if I could hypnotize myself, that lasted a while. Then I got depressed as usual and thought. I thought about everything that's happened and everything that will happen. I always manage to think about the future in "what ifs." As in, what if this happened and then I fantasize about a possibility for hours, creating an entire delusion about what will happen. I started to think about what is going to happen when I tell my family that I want to get therapy. Of course I played the little scenario in my head and this is how it went:

"So I want therapy". My mom will certainly cry and ask me why. Then I will have to fluff the truth and say I've been under some stress this past year and I just want to get things organized in my life before I graduate from college. It's nothing really, I just want to work some things out. Which she will of course realize this is a bullshit answer and then she'll just cry some more. She'll tell my dad and then he'll either get angry or upset as well. Then they're both going to bible bounce me until I cry and then in a fit or rage try to cut my wrists in the kitchen. Which will of course lead to an ambulance and me being hospitalized. Then of course the rest of the family will find out, meaning my Aunt and her family and my grandfather. So as I'm lying in a hospital bed commiserating on how much I hate myself, my parents will walk in and talk to me. Where I will finally after 21 years spill everything that's been pitted in my stomach. There will be many many tears. They will walk out for a couple of hours and leave me alone. Then I'm sure somewhere along the lines I'll have to be visited by my Aunt and my cousins, then my grandfather and have to endure an earbeating. Probably more jesus jibber-jabber, and then I'll hate myself even more.

I started to think that after this point, the hospital would want me to stay for observations and to allow them time to get me a proper shrink. Which of course means I will miss my first semester of my senior year. So naturally my friends will want to know why I'm not moved into the apartment with my roommates and where I'm at. So then I can either lie or admit that I'm stuck in a hospital because I tried to kill myself. Which I know is going to be such a total shock and awe it's just going to bring me more grief and sadness. Not only will they be upset, or possibly hate me for giving up, but I won't be able to look them in the eye ever again. Then my close friends will probably find out through the grapevine and either hate me or come to visit me and then hate me.

So after everyone has had their chance to see me in utter life failure, I will end up in a mental ward, because I'm fucking crazy. I know I'm mentally disturbed. I've known this for a while. I'm not talking like "I see pink elephants crazy" I'm talking like "wow this kid's got some pretty dark issues." I've got enough things to talk to a shrink about, they could write a doctoral thesis the size of a stephen king novel. From diagnosis to disorder, from each and every traumatizing memory to every dark thought I've ever had. So now that I'm seeing a shrink, my family has either disowned me and taken me out of the will because they now know my secret life, or they are still bible berating me. I then envisioned myself living the rest of my days in a mental ward taking anti-psychotic meds from a dixie cup and wearing a stark white pajamas. I figure this will all happen over a time span of the next three or four years.

Well that depends on whether or not I spill the beans before my senior year of college, or wait until I graduate. I'm pretty sure I can hold things in just a little longer, but you never know what my life will throw at me, because it certainly throws a lot.