David Letterman @ MindSay 
Anyone else catch Hillary Clinton's appearance on the David Letterman Show last night? She listed the top 10 things she would do if elected to the highest position in America. This was her idea of amusing... ??
10. Bring stability and long-term security to The View.
9. Each year on my birthday every American gets a cupcake.
8. You will have the option of rolling dice against the IRS for double or nothing on your tax return.
7. If you’re having trouble getting a flight and Air Force One is available, it’s yours.
6. My vice-president will never shoot anybody in the face.
5. I’ll turn Gitmo into a Dairy Queen as soon as possible.
4. For over a century there have only been two Dakotas. I plan to double that.
3. We will finally have a president who doesn’t mind pulling over and asking for directions. Am I right, ladies?
2. I will appoint a commission to find out what the heck is happening on Lost.
1. One more pantsuit joke and Letterman disappears.
Yeah, that should get her a few votes. Right. Way to campain Mrs. Clinton.
I don't normally get into politics but I was disappointed personally. A woman actually has a chance to be the president of the United States of America and she is telling bad jokes.
I saw a few minutes of Sylvestor Stallone on a talk show the other day (promoting Rocky 37, I think) and I got a few chuckles out of his anecdotes. It's refreshing when you watch a celebrity and you get a glimpse of the person beneath the persona and for a brief moment you think you might actually like them if this is who they really are.
Perhaps no celebrity has been more controversial recently than Tom Cruise. But even mega-celebrity Tom with all his quirks, foibles, and lunacies must occasionally reveal a glimmer of the person he once was (really is?) and that's the only Tom I'd be interested in having over for dinner. I thought I got a glimpse of that Tom on Letterman a few months back when Dave drew a story out of him that got Tom laughing so uncontrollably he could barely continue. I love when laughter becomes contagious. As Tom attempted to tell his story, squeaking, writhing, and tearing up like the rest of us mere mortals, I found myself giggling along with him.
They say laughter is the best medicine. (Who does, JB? Reader's Friggin Digest?? Sigh.) I felt it that night. A bit of spontaneous hilarity that had me chuckling. I tried repeating the Tom/Letterman anecdote at a dinner party the other night when one guest said, "I'm gonna go home and look it up on YouTube."
Say what? Why hadn't I thought of that?
Well I have now, so here it is. (You know my motto). If it gives one reader a chuckle then I'll feel I've spread a bit of cheer during the holidays.
Speaking of which, it occurred to me how difficult it must be for celebrities during the holidays. All the pressure for photo ops, beautiful children, perfect presents, ideal vacations, tabloid avoidance. Hey, they need family time like the rest of us—messy, emotional, normal, paparazzi-free.
So invite a celebrity home for the holidays. You probably won't have to exchange gifts (unless they are hand-made; I' sure they'll appreciate that) and you might spare someone a few months of therapy.
As soon as I post this, I think I'll give poor, misunderstood Paris a call. Or maybe Anne Hathaway would like to read Shakespeare to the kids. Oh, the possibilities!
(Somebody else call Nicole Richie. My good will only goes so far.)
Cheers!
10. Tested positive for uranium
9. Always asking fans for clean urine
8. After each win, receives congratulatory phone call from Balco founder Victor Conte
7. Name on back of his uniform is "Bonds"
6. You can find him in the club house corking himself
5. Distracts opponents by throwing out the frozen head of Ted Williams
4. Somehow got 3 RBI's during the seventh-inning stretch
3. You haven't seen someone with that much Vaseline on them since the last Paris Hilton video
2. Pete Rose called him a disgrace to the game
1. His nickname is "Needle Ass"
10. "What's it about?"
9. "So I can't bring a bottle of water on a plane but snakes are OK?"
8. "Hi, two adults and one snake, please"
7. "I didn't care for the 'Snakes in the Theater' promotion"
6. "Maybe we should just go to Times Square and see 'Snakes In My Pants'"
5. "It's still better than sitting next to Regis"
4. "Exact same thing happened to me last time I flew Delta"
3. "I haven't seen a snake that big since the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee video"
2. "That guy sitting behind me? Jackass on a cellphone"
1. "No, Mr. Gibson, I'm not Jewish"
David Letterman has been temporarily restrained by a woman who believes that he torments her over the airwaves using a secret code.
New Mexico resident Colleen Nestler filed court documents late last week, alleging that Letterman has been using code words, gestures and "eye expressions" for more than 10 years to convey his desire to marry her and train her as his cohost.
As a result of Letterman's alleged methods of torture, Nestler claims she has suffered from "mental cruelty" and "sleep deprivation," and has been forced into bankruptcy.
She was granted a temporary restraining order by Santa Fe District Judge Daniel Sanchez, who signed off on her application and set a Jan. 12 court date to determine whether to make the order permanent.
In her six-page letter to the court, Nestler requested that Letterman stay at least three yards away from her and that he not "think of me, and release me from his mental harassment and hammering."
Letterman's lawyers have claimed Nestler's complaints are "without merit" and have asked Sanchez to quash the order.
"The claims made are obviously absurd and frivolous," Jim Jackoway, Letterman’s attorney in Los Angeles, told the New Mexican. "This constitutes an unfortunate abuse of the judicial process."
Albuquerque attorney Pat Rogers contended that the Santa Fe District Court lacked jurisdiction over Letterman, that Nestler never served Letterman with restraining order papers and that she failed to follow other procedural requirements.
It's unclear from Nestler's complaint when her "relationship" with Letterman began to sour.
In her letter to the court, she claims she began sending Letterman "thoughts of love" after he began hosting The Late Show with David Letterman on CBS in 1993.
"Dave responded to my thoughts of love, and, on his show, in code words & obvious indications through jestures [sic] and eye expressions, he asked me to come east," she wrote.
Letterman upped the ante, she claimed, when he asked her to be his wife shortly before Thanksgiving in 1993.
In a teaser for his show, Letterman jokingly said, "Marry Me, Oprah," which Nestler rapidly deduced was a message intended for her.
"Oprah had become my first of many code names," she wrote. "...[A]s time passed, the code-vocabulary increased & changed, but in the beginning things like 'C' on baseball caps referred to me, and specific messages through songs sung by his guests, were the beginnings of what became an elaborate means of communication between he and myself."
Nestler did not reveal why she waited for so many years to take action against her tormenter. (We're guessing she was motivated by the recent revelation that she's not the only woman Letterman calls Oprah.)
She told the Associated Press Wednesday that she had no comment regarding her pending request for a permanent restraining order, other than "I pray to God I get it."
It's not the first time Letterman has had to deal with a fan gone wrong.
Earlier this year, house painter Kelly Frank, who had been hired to do some touchups at the late night host's Montana ranch, was sentenced to 10 years in state prison for his involvement in a plot to kidnap Letterman's infant son.
Letterman was also stalked for years by obsessed fan Margaret Ray, who broke into his home repeatedly, stole his car and was known to introduce herself as "Mrs. David Letterman."
Ray served 10 months in prison and 14 months in a mental institution on Letterman-related charges. In 1998, she committed suicide by kneeling in front of an oncoming train.
