Dating @ MindSay 
love
Where did I leave off last time? Right, I was trying to get (re)laid by a co-worker. I tried once more after that without success, so I backed off. For whatever reason, it's not happening and that's cool. I like this guy so I'd like to remain friends with him. I'm working on getting him out for a drink so we can catch up and relax and just hang out. If something happens, so be it, but that's not my angle for going out with him. He's a genuinely nice guy and I'd like to keep him in my life however I can.
However, there's still drama.
I'll admit it. I'm a flirt, and even though I'm way too old for a phrase like this, I'm a bit boy-crazy. I like to like people. I loved being in love, and know I will always love my ex. Without a doubt, he is the best thing that ever happened to me and I will never completely recover from losing him. However, I admit I am lonely and feeling attraction for other people helps me through the times when I miss him the most.
Enter co-worker number two, also a nice guy. We've been pretty friendly for several months now, and I've felt things progressing. We talked about it, and acknowledged the attraction and flirting. (I've discovered that since my last relationship, I prefer putting my cards on the table and knowing where things stand. That way, if I'm wrong and it's not mutual, I can accept it and move on before it becomes embarrassing.)
About two weeks ago, we were talking a bit at the office and I mentioned something about working a little late that night. To my surprise, he called me later in the evening while I was still at work. We talked and joked for a bit, and he asked if I was doing anything later. I wasn't, so we agreed to get together. I asked if he wanted me to come out to where he is (we both live in different suburbs of the city we work in) and he said he was already out so he'd come my way. We said goodbye, I ran home and changed and we got together for a drink.
A couple hours later, I brought him home. (Let me say I honestly don't like blogging it like that. I know I run the risk of protesting too much, but I am conscious that how cavalierly I seem to bring people home makes me look like a slut, and I'm honestly not. I can name every person I've slept with, and it's really not that many. But back to the story.)
So I brought him home. We kissed, we fooled around, there was sex. Hot, sweaty, great sex. And he even stayed around afterwards to talk a bit.
We talked about small stuff, and then of course we talked about a little heavier stuff. He asked a few personal questions like why was he there with me at that moment. I answered his questions best I could, and then asked what his story was. He was evasive, which immediately gave me a sick feeling.
He insisted I knew what his story was. I told him I didn't, and he told me I knew but was blocking it out. After playing this shit for a few minutes, I told him that I didn't want a fucking riddle, I wanted a straightforward answer. Finally, he reminded me. Seems I met his wife three months ago.
Yup, wife. He's married. M.A.R.R.I.E.D.
I told the asshole to get the fuck out of my house, and then stripped my bed and took a shower. I know I'm not to blame, because I truly didn't know. I work in a very public-oriented job and I meet a LOT of people. His wife is one of literally thousands of people I've met in the year I've worked for this company, and it was for all of 15 seconds. I really didn't remember, because if I'd known he was married I wouldn't have even flirted with him. I've been cheated on and I absolutely refuse to have any part in making a woman worry about what her man is doing. It's a line I just won't cross. Still, it made me feel disgustingly dirty to know what I'd done, even if I didn't know I was doing it at the time.
So here's what I'd say to the asshole if the sight of him didn't make me nauseous:
You wants to cheat on your wife? Fine, that's your business. I think it's slimy and disgusting, but that's your right to be slimy and disgusting. If that's how you want to live your life, that's up to you, but don't you dare make me part of this, and don't you fucking dare try to tell me that I knew. Don't you try and tell me "it just happened". It's been building up to this for awhile and you know it. Both before and after sex, you told me you'd like to do this again. You were intending to start an affair. While I didn't come right out earlier in the evening and directly ask if you were single, I asked where your son was. I asked why you had multiple cars. I asked about coming out to your place. If you truly believed I knew you were married, you would have said your kid was with your wife. You would have mentioned one of the cars belonging to your wife. You would have told me I couldn't come to your place because YOUR WIFE WAS HOME SLEEPING! You gave me evasive answers because you realized I didn't remember her and you took advantage of that.
Don't you dare come to me at work and ask if we're still friends. You can't truly be that stupid, can you? Calling you disgusting and yelling at you to get the fuck out of my house didn't give you a clue?
Oh, and it was a real classy move to bring your wife and baby daughter by work yesterday. You're lucky I didn't walk up to her and tell her what a sleazy shitbag you are. After all, I can describe exactly how you fuck. I know your "move". You have one hell of a set of balls waving this all in front of my face and trying to place the blame on me because "I knew about it". You're a real fucking piece of work, you know that?
That's ok. Whether it be God, Karma, or something else, this will come back to get you one day. It'll come back to me too, and I accept that, but at least I acknowledge what I did and feel remorse for the innocent people that stand to be hurt if they find out what we did. You don't feel anything except interested in taking the responsibility off yourself........
So the story goes like this:
I'm a young woman. I like to think I'm reasonably attractive. I know I have what guys view as a pretty good body, though I don't know that it'll ever be good enough in my eyes. In any case, I get hit on often enough that I know I'm not a troll. I recently got out of a long-term relationship and I'm beginning to enjoy the single life again, but I'm not looking for totally meaningless random sex. If I wanted that, I'd just go to the bar and go home with a stranger for a one-night stand. Unfortunately, that's a little too dangerous. I'm not really excited at the idea of STDs or unintended pregnancy, nevermind the chances of the guy being a total psychopath and raping and murdering me. I prefer to keep my sexual experiences among those that I at least know somewhat. It's safer in a lot of ways and just as much fun.
So that brings me to this guy at work. He's smoking hot. We've been flirting since I joined the company last summer. The flirting got really intense for awhile. To me, it was like verbal foreplay. Like I said, I know I'm not a troll, but that's not the same thing as believing I'm hot enough for this guy, so when he called me out on it and told me to put up or shut up, I wimped out. I'm such a chickenshit... I backed down and played it off like it was all a joke.
I was kicking myself before that day even ended. WTF is wrong with me? A hot guy that I'm insanely attracted to and want to sleep with tells me he wants me and I said NO?! I'm so stupid! I beat myself up over this for a lot longer than I care to admit to you all.
Things go back to normal. It didn't affect our friendship at all, and we just went back to flirting. We even talked about it a few weeks later, and he let me know that he'd been serious. (At least the beating myself up over it wasn't for no reason!) But things were what they were and we remained work friends.
Until a month ago. I was taking the morning off of work and was woken up by my cell phone. I was a little surprised that he was calling me since we didn't really talk outside of work. But it was him. He'd heard a rumor that I'd been offered a job in another state. When I confirmed that as fact, he said we'd have to "knock boots" before I left. I laughed and told him I wasn't planning to take the job, and he said we could do it anyway. I didn't really say anything one way or the other but in my head was screaming "Yes!", and we talked for a few more minutes.
When I went in to work that afternoon, he was there. And a few hours later, we were alone. We had a quickie, which I was fine with. He had plans with his friends and I knew that before I went to meet him. And when I left, he said we'd have to do it again sometime.
And since then... it's just not happening. I've tried. I've called him a couple of times, even a text message (I'm not a texter and I don't think he is either). I've brought it up (discreetly) at work and he agrees that we need to get together. I suppose it could just be politeness and he's not really interested, but I don't think that's true. He definitely enjoyed it. He's even brought it up himself a couple of times that we should have a repeat. Yet when I agree and try to settle on when, the only answer I get is "soon".
What the hell is going on here? With minimal effort, he'd get laid, but he's not putting in that effort. I don't doubt my skills in the sack... no, I'm good there. There's very little that's off-limits to me. I don't think it's that he doesn't respect me anymore and thinks I'm a whore. He knows I don't sleep around, and I've never heard him speak that way about any woman and he's really not one for judging people anyway. So why the hell can't I get any sex from this guy? What the fuck?! I need sex!
--By the way, my disclaimer on the whole thing. Please spare me the judgement from those who feel I shouldn't have sex like this. I've had a couple long-term relationships, and would give anything for another chance with either of those men, but it's impossible. The last relationship didn't end that long ago and I'm not ready to jump into anything serious right now. I just want something light and fun. Would I date this guy? Sure. But we're too different for this to turn into anything long-term anyway, so why even start down that road? We have a lot in common, but the things that we differ on are just too great for it to ever last. That's why I want to keep this as casual as possible with him.--
Do I smell sexy? Here's a new reason to swap spit
For members who submit a saliva sample, dating website ScientificMatch.com plays matchmaker using DNA and smell.
Regina Nuzzo
May 19, 2008
Swapping spit: The term takes on a more refined meaning at the new dating site ScientificMatch.com. A prerequisite for signing up -- in addition to having a bit of cash to spare -- involves swishing a cotton swab inside your cheek and mailing a juicy sample of skin cells and saliva.
What do you get in return for your DNA-laden drool? A chance at genetic and olfactory harmony. ScientificMatch.com -- perhaps the first company to combine the commercial potential of genetic testing, dating and the Internet in one package -- offers to find you a lover who smells good.
But not simply a bathed-and-used-deodorant kind of good smell. If all goes well, you'll get a lusty good smell, the kind that makes you bury your face in your mate's pillow the next morning to catch the lingering scent. The kind that, after a week of backcountry camping, actually increases your partner's sexiness quotient.
Of course, it takes more than an alluring eau de mate to build a good relationship. So the company, launched in December and now offering a discounted lifetime membership fee of $995, boasts a panoply of "member benefits" for its scientifically matched opposite-sex couples: better sex, increased fertility, healthier kids, less cheating and more orgasms. (Actually, only women are promised more orgasms. Men are, however, encouraged to imagine how this could be a perk for themselves as well.)
"All of the benefits that I've listed are supported by, and derived from, peer-reviewed scientific research," says Eric Holzle, the founder and president of ScientificMatch.com and a mechanical engineer by training. Though he won't reveal membership numbers, later this year he plans to expand his service -- now available only in the Boston-Providence area -- to other cities, possibly including Los Angeles.
Holzle's matchmaking efforts rely on published but still-preliminary results from a growing field of science: the genetics of mate attraction. (People looking for same-sex partners are welcome on the site, although studies have yet to look specifically at genetic attraction in gay couples.)
Researchers have long studied how certain traits -- square jaws in men, narrow waists in women, facial symmetry in both genders, for example -- seem to signal good genetic fitness to potential mates. But recently scientists have zeroed in on specific genes that might play a surprising role in how we choose hookups -- and possibly settle-downs.
Known as MHC (for major histocompatibility complex), these genes control how the immune system recognizes and fights off microscopic foreign invaders such as viruses, fungi and bacteria. Doctors also look at this portion of the genome to match up compatible organ donors and recipients.
Apparently the nose uses these genes too -- albeit for a different type of compatibility. Imagine you were to work the crowd at your singles bar by sniffing potential dates' sweaty underarms. (Urine aromas would work, too, but let's stick with armpits for now.)
Studies suggest that owners of the underarms you found to be most tolerable -- primally sexy, even -- are likely to have different histocompatibility genes than you. And those who have similar immune system types probably smell more like gym socks to you.
It's plausible that natural selection rigged the mating game in its favor, explains Randy Thornhill, a biology professor at the University of New Mexico and an immune-system-genetics researcher. If men and women with complementary immune systems are inexplicably drawn to each other, their kids will have an advantage in fighting off pathogenic nasties.
A good armpit musk, then, might be the spicy perfume of genetic diversity, an evolutionary come-hither call.
Gag-inducing body odors, on the other hand, might serve as "warning: do not copulate" signs, steering you away from mating with people who share too many genes with you. (Your kin, for example.)
Not that when you nuzzle your date's earlobe you think about the immune-system information floating in the air. (Literally in the air, probably via evaporated sweat and urine.) "All of this is done outside the realm of consciousness," Thornhill says.
Studies in mice first showed a link between chemical attraction and these genes in 1976, with results in birds and fish soon following. Two decades later, Swiss researchers found it in humans, too, as college students preferred the odor of sweaty T-shirts worn by other students with dissimilar immune-system genotypes.
That was in the aseptic environs of the lab. In 2006, researchers at the University of New Mexico (including Thornhill) looked at 48 couples where it counts: in the bedroom. Sure enough, women with genetically dissimilar partners tended to be more satisfied, responsive and adventurous in the sexual arena. And, yes, they had more orgasms -- during the most fertile days of their cycle, at least.
Women who had immune-system-similar mates, on the other hand, fantasized about other men more frequently -- again, especially during their ripe-for-pregnancy days. They also tended to cheat with other men more often.
Yet the frequency of men's orgasms, fantasies and affairs did not seem to be connected to their partner's immune system. Nor did a couple's genetic compatibility significantly correspond to their overall relationship satisfaction.
Indeed, the accumulated evidence for these genes' role in whom we marry, or with whom we dally, is far from clear-cut. Several studies have indeed found histocompatibility-odor preferences in men and women; others have found either a more complicated relationship or no link at all.
What's more, these preferences appear to actually reverse for some women on birth control pills or other hormonal contraceptives (That's why ScientificMatch.com accepts only women not using hormonal birth control.) And smell and vision may not line up, as evidence suggests that we're visually attracted to people who have similar facial features -- and similar immune-system types -- as we have.
Though the scientific picture is complicated, the ScientificMatch.com algorithm is not. Members are first genetically matched on the basis of their two copies (one inherited from Mom, one from Dad) of three major genes (sometimes known as HLA, for human leukocyte antigen). Members can choose to use results from a personal-values survey to refine the pool even further.
"We still don't understand how MHC genes relate to actual mate preferences," says Craig Roberts, a biological sciences professor at the University of Liverpool and mate-choice expert. "This is not to say I don't like the idea. . . . But I think we are a long way from really understanding what's going on."
Meanwhile, the purists among us can savor the old-fashioned method of genetic matchmaking: inhaling deeply and surreptitiously sniffing up the hotties we meet in person.
The Mating Game, a new column appearing monthly in the Health section, will explore the science of mating, dating and sex.
I never really update this, but hardly anyone ever looks when I do - but its 3 am and I am freakishly awake and Facebook just isn’t keeping my attention!
So I'm trying to think of things I haven’t posted... I apologize if I make inferences about things I have posted and didn’t, or if I have already posted it - just bare with me!
I did get that internship with Target. After going through what seemed like hundreds of different interview rounds and climbed the endless hiring ladder, I finally got the exciting "congratulations" call. Its a 10 week program over the summer (that pays ROYALLY mind you) where I will learn the in's and out's of in-store Target and for the last 5 weeks I will choose a problem, devise a plan to fix it, and implement it. If they like me, they will send me back into the interview process for an actual job for in-store. In-store is not my dream by any means, but I think this could really leverage me into corporate. I have a friend that was just hired there and begins June - so I'm hoping he will give me a good reference when I put in my resume for corporate.
I did start another internship on campus (idiot Lauren I know). I am doing the sports marketing internship. My specific sports are volleyball and men’s/woman’s basketball - but I will be helping out with our football and our hockey team. I am having a lot of fun with it, but its taking up a LOT of my time, and seeing as how it’s unpaid I'm nervous about giving up so much time for it.
One of the biggest reasons I am afraid of giving up my time for free is because I was just elected president of my sorority Wednesday. I officially take over this coming Saturday. I know it sounds cliché, stupid and meaningless, but to me this is huge. It really means a lot to me that I was nominated, and even bigger I was elected. I’m extremely nervous however - as for the whole two or three people that normally read this blog, you know that I served as president of the choral program back in high school my senior year. To my detriment, this presidency will be nothing like it. Before, I had an actual full time employee who’s actual job it was to take care of my duties (even though she never did). This time, not only do I have to take care of 80 sorority girls, but I have alumni, potential members, bylaws/standing rules, the university, the Greek system, and nationals all breathing down my neck - all with no one to lean on. And yes - I know it’s just a stupid sorority, but it really has been my life for the last 3 years, and it's my family.
Monday I start a new job. I am working at a hotel here in town. I really hate that I have become so desperate for a 2nd summer job and for any form of money that I had to sink to the level of hotel, but when you live in a city that depends on tourism, that’s all there really is. Seeing as how 85% of the staff there goes to my college, it can’t be that horrible. And if it is, one of my sorority sisters recommended me the job so I can beat her up, and my roommate is working there now too so I can complain to her. It's in guest services, and after dealing with sorority complaints and plenty of other jobs with high profile complainers - I think I can handle it.
I’m moving in 35 days! THANK GOD. I can’t stand the house I am living in anymore. Mainly because the house is big, freezing, and we have a random obnoxious roommate that I would really like to punt off of one of the bridges. Our new place is a duplex. Its an old 6 bedroom house they converted so it has a really old-day characteristic, but they just replaced all of the flooring, windows and repainted the inside and are completely redoing the outside of the house. And the best part - HEAT IS FREE! No more 59 degrees in the dead of winter because we are too poor!!
As for the Irish guy - yes I am still seeing him... if you consider once every 2 weeks seeing each other. As you can see from above, I've been really busy and on top of all of that I had 2 weeks of midterm hell. His brother was in town for the last two weeks too, so it worked out well. I would have hated his poor brother to be pissed off because some American idiot girl wanting to take up his brothers time. You're only in America for a while! That’s another concern..... he’s only in America for a while.... he is only here until the middle of August. The more I see him - the more I want to see him. This whole two week thing has been working well for me... after seeing him, I really start to like him, but the longer I wait to see him the more I revert back to my weird dating self and re-evaluate the whole situation. Of course I would pick the guy that is only in the country for another three and a half months...
There are three of us who are in this particular age-bracket/life situation who help at Awana. There are a number of other women, but they're moms.
Anyway, the discussion got to be about guys at some point. Specifically, the three of us are Christian women, and the concept of dating guys who aren't Christians, dating guys who are, dating in general, you get the idea.
Kelly's in an interesting place. We know that, on paper, the ideal situation is that you don't date someone who doesn't share your faith. But, as far as her own life experiences go, she's dated a number of guys who were self-proclaimed Christians, and they were jerks. She's found that, for some reason, the guys that treat her best are the ones who grow up in a home with strong values, possibly one Christian parent, and don't know where they are with God.
I can't apply this one on my own. Kelly's okay with the concept of dating just to date, and it seems to work for her. I haven't found (and maybe I don't want to) the ability to date without wanting it to progress to something greater. I regard said state as the goal of relationships, and when it's become clear that this relationship isn't going to make it there, then I end that relationship. Or it just falls apart on its own.
The three of us seem to be pretty solidly agreed that we're not interested in marrying anyone who hasn't surrendered to Christ. Not saying that it doesn't work - anyone can cite a couple they know that has made it work - but saying that it's not what we want.
But what do we want? Because Kelly's definitely not the first girl I've talked to who's become disgusted with the way Christian guys treat her, and started dating other guys, finding them to be a lot more caring and considerate. A number of us honestly want to be married (a lot of us are, "Someday's," wanting to wait 'til after college or something similar), but when we know better than to marry nonbelievers, and there's so many clods who call themselves Christians, what options do we have?
Brings me to Rachel's approach. Rachel's taking a serious leave from dating. She doesn't see the point of dating anyone who doesn't follow Christ (as she puts it, "You know it's going to end, you're just setting yourself up for getting your heart broken."), but she has yet to encounter a Christian that she feels God's guiding her towards. She also believes that when you have a character that's earnestly seeking God and serving him, he'll shape you into someone amazing, and have someone amazing in mind for you.
One of the few that I have solidly memorized:
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
-Proverbs 31:30
Rachel is one of the few women my age that I look up to. She's strong in her character, strong in her faith, works with kids, serves God, opens her home and her arms to anyone who needs them, but she's real. She can tell you when she's tired, when it's been a rough day - she doesn't try to be perfect, she acknowledges that she's human.
Where do I stand?
Between the last breakup and all the ambiguity that started happening with a friend, I was asked out by five guys. Three of them I put serious consideration into, weighing each matter individually. On a case-by-case basis, I don't regret the way any of them turned out - after I declined, later events revealed that we really weren't right for each other. This is good, except that it WAS a case-by-case basis. There was no universal rule I could learn from this (except maybe to seriously weigh every relationship opportunity) to apply to future endeavors.
I think all I can do, if a guy has told me that he's a Christian, is ask him whether that means he's given his life over to Christ. It's not a guarantee against the kinds of abuse that go on in relationships, but if he's approaching his relationships in a manner trying to please God, and if he can see me through God's eyes...it's a start.
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