Dario Argento @ MindSay

As per usual, I've been slothing it up to the hilt the past few days. So that, combined with my recent membership with Netflix means more movie watching than normal. This blog brings forth the description of two good'n's, I tell you.

First...Snakes On A Plane. You know it's loaded with cheese. I know it is loaded with cheese. Snakes On A Plane is the greatest kind of cheese. It's the equivalent of eating an entire crate of Velveeta and not getting sick at the end. I can't think of a title in recent history that has been so blunt. When I first saw the title, I thought it was metaphorical. I was thinking maybe "untrustworthy men who inhabit a small farming community" or something along those lines. Instead, it actually was literal snakes on an airplane. There can be nothing more straight forward than that but even knowing that, it still had the potential to just suck oh so bad. In my opinion, it was the exact opposite. Snakes On A Plane rocked in that "don't feel like using my brain" sort of manner. If you are looking for intellectual stimulation, this movie fails miserably. If you just want to see a bunch of people die in hilarious ways, this is perfect. I really don't know what else to say. There are no intricate plot points, no complex character developments, no mysteries to solve, no brilliant dialogue. Just a plethora of dead bodies, babies crying and people dying. There's even another classic Samuel L. Jackson moment!! I learned in my earliest game development classes that the key to any story is three-fold: get your main character(s) up the tree, hit them with everything you can while they are stuck in the tree and finally, have them figure out how to get down the tree alive. Snakes On A Plane gets the passengers "up the tree", blasts off on them with hilarioous results and the few remaining survivors live to go surfing. Perfect.

Next...Phenomena. I'm getting ever closer to having seen the entire Dario Argento catalog of work. Phenomena seems to be somewhat of a weird entry as it gets closer to the end of his run of "classic" movies but seems to be mentioned less often than others like Deep Red, Suspiria and Tenebre. Since my hunt for a copy of Phenomena has been a complete failure to this point, I added it near the top of my rental que. The basic Argento plot points are all here: mysterious killer on the loose, young girls getting whomped, protagonist girl searches for killer. While it might seem a bit formulaic to some, Dario Argento is a wiz at taking these basic framework settings and going into different directions every time. In Phenomena, the basic framework is even loose at best. Of all of his movies that I've seen, the first 5 minutes of Phenomena are by far the best and possibly creepiest I've seen. I won't ruin it because it's probably also the best opening 5 minutes in horror movie history, certainly as memorable as the opening of Night Of The Living Dead. Anyway, the girl is Jennifer Corvino, daughter of a famous American actor and new student at an all-girls boarding school in what's been called "The Swiss Transylvania". While there, she discovers that she has telekinetic powers and can effectively communicate with animals, mainly insects. Not to make it sound that she has conversations with them over coffee but more that she can attract them and control their behavior. This is pretty integral to the plot as Donald Pleasance's character explains throughout the movie how his studies of insects has taught him of their own telekinesis and has helped him determine the time of death after the body has been discovered. While the movie calms down some in the middle, the last 20-25 minutes are probably the best in Argento history, maybe even Italian horror history (so far as I've seen). Daria Niccolodi plays the "Mommy Dearest" role to near-perfection and without giving it away, the final 10 minutes were completely unexpected and quite gory. So many amazingly memorable moments throughout this movie, it's hard to write this much without giving them all away. Phenomena just has to be seen. This might be my new favorite of Dario Argento's films.

OK, as promised on my regular blog, here are my reviews of my two most recent movie viewings.

Hard Candy
It becomes pretty evident before you even place the disc in the DVD tray that Hard Candy was made for a relatively low amount of money. This is not to say that it's bad however because it most certainly is not by any means. After seeing it appear on a number of Top 10 lists on Bloody-And-Disgusting.com, I decided to give this bad Larry a romp. Granted, the people at that site also liked crap like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning but at least a good number of them hated An American Haunting.

Hard Candy stars a grand total of 5 people, 3 of them being bit roles. So, the whole of Hard Candy revolves around a 14 year old girl and a 32 year old man who meet via the internet. As you might expect, the conversations begin via instant messenger and tend to hint towards possible raciness. The two agree to meet and within the first 5 minutes of the film, they are exchanging hellos in a coffee shop. After a lengthy talk about books, academics and music, the pair drive off to the 32 year old's house where the depth of conversation continutes over vodka-related drinks. The man shows the girl around his house, which doubles as his photography studio, and they discuss his taking some shots of her while she's over. As she begins to dance around his living room, he slips into a trance and the fun begins.

While you can't really call Hard Candy horror, it is pretty effective in being tense in it's own right. Once our male awakes, he finds himself tied to his computer chair. Thinking he's about to enter into an afternoon of sexual games, our girl informs him that "playtime is over". Our girl then begins to psychologically torment the photographer
with physical harm and the use of her highly advanced intellect. One scene in particular puts you through the meat grinder mentally as you try not to picture what is happening to him, even going so far as to make you almost feel sorry for our assumed pedophile. The whole process takes a good 20-25 minutes and, if you are a man, causes you to thank the camera person for not showing everything. In the end, the two expose one another's psyche and tries their damndest to mentally and emotionally weaken the other. Hard Candy could've used the medium to "spread a message" but it skillfully avoids preaching and instead takes the viewer into a world where two highly intelligent beings attempt to one up the other.

For those seeking a high speed car chase or occasionally light-hearted comic relief, skip Hard Candy. As is the case with many indie films, this is a dialogue heavy ride not for the easily distracted. If you are willing to take this pretty heavy subject matter film on, you are likely to walk away from the experience feeling something, bad or good. For me, I found Hard Candy to be a refreshing change of pace from the atypical American thriller genre and I would find no haste in deciding to make a purchase for future viewings.

Results: One thumb up, one saved for protection

Tenebre (directed by Dario Argento)
XkachoojiX  can be thanked for mailing this bad Larry my way prior to the holidays. I've come dangerously close to spending obscene amounts on this DVD a few times but now, I have a copy to call my own. Many have argued Tenebre to be the premiere Argento giallo classic. Personally, I am a big fan of Deep Red and Suspiria is my Argento film of choice but this one cannot be ignored due its plethora of praise across the board.

Tenebre involves a seasoned fiction novel writer from New York who comes to Rome on a book tour. Upon his arrival, a hapless hussy of a victim is found dead in the suite near his with multiple stab wounds and pages of his latest novel stuffed in her mouth. Naturally, the police feel the need to question him and keep him on call in case of further investigations. As is to be expected, more people close to the author are turning up bathed in their own blood with each successive murder being more dramatic and violent than the last. Through no desire of his own, the author is pulled into the investigation as it is clear that the string of dead bodies are inspired by his latest novel.

Dario Argento is mostly known for his elaborate and violent murder mysteries called "giallo". While maybe not traditional horror by American standards due to a lack of an identifiable monster a la Jason Voorhess, these films are no less intense. The main difference I see between Argento's films and many of the more popular franchises are Dario Argento's mastery behind the camera and once again, Tenebre showcases that mastery, putting you in the eyes of the killer. It's a trick John Carpenter used as well in Halloween but Carpenter attributes the style to Argento as he is a comrade and an admirer of the Italian horror maestro.

Tenebre is not unlike Dario Argento's other giallo thrillers, albeit probably more violent and bloody. Unlike Opera where the kills are lengthier and further spaced out, Tenebre racks up a massive body count in short order with no signs of slowing down. Coupling this mounting of dead bodies with Dario Argento's directorial style, Tenebre brings the violence right to the table. Personally, I found myself saying "I like this movie alot but I still think Deep Red is better." for about the first 70-80 minutes of the film. This all changed during the final 10 minutes where I was to be found cheering and pumping my fist as if I had just won the Super Bowl. I won't ruin it but trust me, if you like blood splatterings, Tenebre brings it with reckless abandon.

One thing that stuck out to me was the manner in which Tenebre succeeds in masking the killer's identity. Dario Argento has always been great at keeping the viewer guessing but Tenebre really leaves you feeling clueless. Every time I thought I had the killer pegged, he or she was getting whomped ever so explicitly. If I had any major complaint at all, it was the lack of seeing Daria Nicolodi in a more revealing state. Say what you will but she was quite attractive back in the day. Still, Tenebre is abound with a slew of beautiful women, many of them getting whompulated. Is it wrong of me to find that sexy? Probably.

Results: A plethora of puncture wounds and a pile of dead bodies

Everytime I wach another new movie, it just makes me want to make my own even more. Today did not help at all as I watched two amazing films back-to-back. First up was Hard Candy. It was on several Top 10 lists on bloody-and-disgusting.com so I decided to give it a rent. It was obvious that this was a low budget film as the entire cast consisted of 2 people and three bit parts, totaling the usage of 5 actors and everything was filmed inside of a house. Due to the movie being extremely dialogue heavy, it's probably not for everyone but I can guess that a number of my compadres would find it enticing. It was wholly original but borrowed trace elements of Japanese cinema and Taxi Driver.

Second up was a welcome surprise from XkachoojiX in the form of Tenebre, a currently very hard-to-find Dario Argento film. For the first 70-80 minutes of the movie, I kept thinking "Yeah, I like this but it's no Suspiria" and kept making loose comparisons to Deep Red. However, the ending changed everything. The weird thing about Tenebre was that it was a mystery from the start as to who the killer might be and one by one, each person I had pegged as the murderer was getting hacked up so by the time the murderer was revealed, I felt both stupid and worn out from my brain hurting. I still rank Suspiria as my favorite Argento movie but Tenebre is right near the very tip top, along with Deep Red and The Bird With The Crystal Plumage. One side note about Tenebre — a virtual plethora of highly attractive women. Is it wrong of me to find pleasure in watching so many of them getting hacked to death? Maybe, but Tenebre actually had me cheering at the end like I was at a college football game.

I plan to do full blown reviews of both films on the movie blog soon. I just wanted to expose these two underappreciated gems before my excitement level subsided. I need a bath.........a bloodbath......BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Being a huge fan of movies and lists, I've decided to create yet another Top 10 of my favorite and not-so-favorite DVD's and movies of 2006. Feel free to discuss!

10. Everything Is Illuminated
Elijah Wood stars as a Jewish-American who sets off to eastern Europe to retrace the steps that brought his family to America. It’s hard to classify this as a drama or a comedy, as it blends a bit of everything, all the way up to the tragic end. It’s a bit full of itself in some ways, but overall a pretty moving experience.

9. The Notorious Betty Paige
If not for bettie , I would not have known much at all about Bettie Paige. Based on my highly limited knowledge, this biopic seems pretty true to form, painting Betty Paige as a highly attractive girl who was more naive than one might have ever imagined.

8. Grandma’s Boy
Yes, this movie is about as “dumb” as you can get without drooling on ones self but still it contains enough comedic moments to warrant inclusion on my list. Whether or not this is good or bad is irrelevant. A great couch potato movie.

7. The Hills Have Eyes
Though it lacks a lot of the tense atmospherics of the original, it drags you kicking and screaming into a world where brutality is commonplace and violence is shrugged off with a simple nod. While not as good as High Tension, Alexandre Aja is fast becoming the horror master of the 21st century.

6. Accepted
Again, this is another “shut your brain off” movie but somewhere within the confines of the stupidity is a pretty cool message about individuality and finding one’s own path in life. Plus, Lewis Black....and that’s all you have to say.

5. Little Miss Sunshine
Steve Carrell is king. He alone drew me into this movie, with his complete 180 turn from The 40-Year Old Virgin into a gay scholar with suicidal tendencies. The rest of the family makes up a dysfunctional bunch of weirdos with an oblivious 8-year as their nucleus.

4. Masters Of Horror: Jenifer
Some critics seemed to have a strong distaste for Dario Argento’s Masters Of Horror debut. For me, it excelled in a number of ways and left me baffled as to what or why anyone was complaining. Another near-perfect addition to Argento’s arsenal of horror.

3. Masters Of Horror: Cigarette Burns
Of all the entries of Masters Of Horror that I’ve seen from season 1, John Carpenter’s blew me away the most. It kind of reminded me of The Ninth Gate, but gorier. Very underrated episode.


2. Clerks II
I haven’t liked Kevin Smith’s movies since Chasing Amy but I gave this one a rental. Much to my surprise, it was excellent and then some. He seems to have gone back to the formula that made his early works so great and the addition of King Diamond can never be a bad thing.

1. Borat
Hands down, this is the funniest movie ever made. I laughed to the point where my tear ducts dried up. If you think you’ve seen brutal, you haven’t seen Borat yet. Sacha Baron Cohen takes my favorite of his three characters and spins pure gold.

10. Inside Man
God...I wanted to love this movie so bad. Great director, awesome cast, Clive Owen as the villain, this movie should have been great. Instead, it was about 30 minutes too long and still, kind of a mess. Total disappointment.

9. See No Evil
I didn’t expect much and in that department, I wasn’t let down much. It was cheesy with terrible acting, weak plot development and over-the-top gore that was way too Looney Toons-esque to be taken seriously.


8. Masters Of Horror: Chocolate
While Mick Garris should be hailed for creating the Masters series, his personal entry was pretty lame. Story and acting-wise, everything made sense and was relatively serviceable. In horror terms, I’ve seen scarier episodes of Trapper John M.D.

7. An American Haunting
Truthfully, I don’t know what possessed me to rent this in the first place. It looked like a typical modern “thriller” and it was. Once the ghost started cartoon slapping the girl, game over.

6. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Honestly, I couldn’t really tell you what this movie was about. Mostly due to the fact that I could’ve cared less about anything going on on-screen but also because I think this movie tried way too hard to be “cool”.

5. The Woods
Ugh. If you compare something to Suspiria, you better deliver the goods. Unfortunately, it was more akin to Harry Potter. Nothing scary, brutal, interesting or mildly entertaining happens unless trees that come to life give you nightmares.

4. City Of Rott
An animated zombie feature sounded like a good idea. Too bad it wasn’t.



3. Bloodrayne
I had to see this. I just had to. I’ve heard so much about Uwe Boll movies and how terrible they were so I had to experience it for myself. This movie just made me sad on so many levels. Every scene made me want to cry. It was like watching a puppy get beaten to death for 100 minutes. Could be best described as a series of scenes where things happen for no apparent reason at all and in the end, you understand what it’s like to have a lobotomy.

2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
In an attempt to humanize Leatherface, the film industry has once again destroyed another classic movie villain. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Hollywood is obsessed with self-examination and often forgets movies are supposed to still be entertaining. While brutal at times, not one character is worthy of sympathy or ire. As a whole, the movie flat out sucked.

1. Hostel
Yes....The grand champ of terrible movies! Hostel, without a semblance of doubt, rides into town on the giant horse of suck. I think it’s virutally impossible for me to hate a movie as much as I hated Hostel. It tries so hard to do everything and it ends up doing nothing but pointing and laughing in your face for throwing away 90+ minutes of your life. Watch Hostel and you will want to pummel someone for the piece of your life you were robbed of. Quentin Tarantino should be ashamed of himself.

10. Titus
This was a sitcom unlike any other. It’s hard to imagine some of the themes tackled here could be made funny but when they come from someone who lived them, they find a way. It’s truly sad when this show failed to last and Friends was on forever.

9. Clerks II
Clerks II was a pleasant surprise for me. I expected to be indifferent at best. Instead, I enjoyed it quite a bit. I think I’m going to even buy it.


8. Dead And Breakfast
Now HERE is a movie that is violent as hell yet completely tongue-in-cheek. It takes a bit to get rolling but once the fun starts, it treads into Dead Alive and Evil Dead 2 territory. One scene sucks but even it cannot ruin the fun for me. Best American horror film in quite a long time.

6. Masters Of Horror: Jenifer
Somehow, a woman with that amazing of a figure, that putrid of a face and a penchant for cannibalistic tendencies is still hot. Dario Argento masterfully combines gruesome and sexy and makes me wonder just what the hell is wrong with the male species.

5. Day Of The Dead
Another movie that has been forced under the collective microscope of the world. While not classic in the same way as Night Of The Living Dead, Day still whomps as only a Romero zombie film can.


4. Saw II
The first movie was pretty tame and the surprise ending was all that really saved it from ending on my “suck” list. After some persuasion, I watched the 2nd one and was blown away. How they arrived at Saw II after the first one was merely pedestrian remains a mystery to me but like Kill Bill II, the 2nd one makes the first one all that much better.

3. Masters Of Horror: Cigarette Burns
I’m not used to the word “gore” being linked to John Carpenter but on his first entry into Masters Of Horror, he basically lets the blood and guts fly. Aside from that, there’s actually a pretty good story within, including a direct nod to Dario Argento.

2. The Office: Season 2
Steve Carrell rules. Dwight Shrute is the new George Costanza. Jenny Fischer is the most beautiful woman in Hollywood. I was ready to pan this show big time because I love the BBC original so much but I cannot deny how near-perfect this reinterpretation really is. Hands down, The Office is the best American sitcom since Seinfeld.

1. Suspiria
I’ve raved enough about this movie in recent months so I’ll just say this — I love this movie and I recommend it to everyone on Earth. One of the best films ever made.

December 7: First set report/pics: Argento’s MOTHER

It’s the film every Dario Argento fan has been waiting to see for over 25 years now. And LA TERZA MADRE/THE THIRD MOTHER (a.k.a. MOTHER OF TEARS; see more photos below), the highly anticipated completion of his supernatural trilogy begun by SUSPRIA and continued in INFERNO, finally went before the cameras late October on location in Rome and Turin. Based once more on Thomas De Quincey’s “Confessions of an Opium Eater” legend of three evil mothers, the Medusa Film stars Asia Argento (top photo below) as art restorer Sarah Mandy, who must stop the violent havoc caused when the cruel Mother of Tears is revived by demonic blood sacrifice.

At the Andezeno cemetery location, where the urn containing the Mother of Tears’ ashes is discovered, Dario answers the burning question: Why now, after all these years? “Because my fantasies have never been freer than in the past four years of my thinking about the second sequel,” he says. “I had a great experience on the MASTERS OF HORROR series [for which he helmed the first season’s JENIFER and this year’s PELTS]. They let me do whatever I wanted, and that creative freedom allowed my imagination to bubble over like sparkling champagne. I rediscovered the fury in my soul, the feelings I had as a young man directing SUSPIRIA. That drive, my dreams and a stream of obscene consciousness led me to visualize a modern fairy tale for our confusing times, full of sadomasochistic sex and shocking violence.”

It was also thanks to MASTERS OF HORROR that Dario encountered TOOLBOX MURDERS writers Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch (second photo below, with MOTHER co-star Coralina Cataldi Tassoni at right), whom he brought on to marshal his outrageous ideas into script form. “A friend was assistant editor on the series,” Gierasch recalls, “so I angled a meet with Dario to get some stuff signed. We walked into the editing suite and the first thing Dario said was, ‘I’m trying to find writers for THE THIRD MOTHER—interested?’ ”

Anderson adds, “We couldn’t believe what had just happened. So we returned the next day with a script sample, and before we knew it we were living in Rome visiting locations. ‘You are my slaves—write, write,’ he’d say. It was important to Dario that the script connected to SUSPIRIA and INFERNO in meaningful ways, and we helped him achieve that.”

Asia, who has become a director in her own right, was so impressed by the script she asked her father for a role in it. “I was shattered after working two years nonstop,” she explains. “But there was no way I was going to miss being a part of my family, and Italian horror-movie, history. I don’t believe the script could be any better, going further into dark, surrealistic horror than Dario ever has before. One scene I know will cause major ratings headaches! The expectation for this is enormous, but fans won’t be let down by what is a brilliant and worthy sequel.” Look for a MOTHER lode of further coverage on this site and in FANGORIA’s pages soon. —Alan Jones