Damn My Mind @ MindSay 
My first sin this month..... screaming out the window "what the fuck is wrong with you?!"
Was after my dads operation, we were no less then three min on the road when some blond overweight bitch on a cellphone pulled out in front of us. Mind you the road was a 50mph limit rod... i slowed from 50 to 35 in under a second and bairly voided the woman--my window was down already... mind you, no horn... meh... screw it...
Well I tried to make it Sunday, but I got so damn depressed
That I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed
I ain't ready for the altar but I do agree there's times
When a woman sure can be a friend of mine
Well, I keep on thinkin' 'bout you, Sister Golden Hair surprise
And I just can't live without you; can't you see it in my eyes?
I been one poor correspondent, and I been too, too hard to find
But it doesn't mean you ain't been on my mind
Will you meet me in the middle, will you meet me in the air?
Will you love me just a little, just enough to show you care?
Well I tried to fake it, I don't mind sayin', I just can't make it
Well, I keep on thinkin' 'bout you, Sister Golden Hair surprise
And I just can't live without you; can't you see it in my eyes?
Now I been one poor correspondent, and I been too, too hard to find
But it doesn't mean you ain't been on my mind
Will you meet me in the middle, will you meet me in the air?
Will you love me just a little, just enough to show you care?
Well I tried to fake it, I don't mind sayin', I just can't make it
Doo wop doo wop ...
Im sure your all wondering "oh no--where did natalie go!? She used to be such a mindsay freak--but now she dissapeared!"
Ooooo.... well for those who still give a damn about me... life was quickly catching up. Not only my married life mind you, but other things i care not to mention. Thats the only thing holding me back from bursting out on mindsay like i did in the past.
Not much of a problem to you but to those select few i still talk to on yahoo or aim knows whats going on that i cant begin to xplane on here... however i am sure that the intention of helping is still non the less as strong as it should b.... least i hope so anyway. If i have anyting to look faward to now then its the fact that ill b moving again fairly soon, but hopefully it will be done swiftly so no t much evidenc is left behind of my existence..... i only pray that if it is anywhere, then it would be chicago (if only i was that lucky). What is it with chicago, im not sure.. perhaps becouse it is just as wlcoming as St.Louis, but i'd rather jst go for the pizza and move again :P lol! But yea, thats about it hre.... i know im probibly speaking in code to everyone who dosnt talk to me onlin, but not like it matters sence NONE OF YOU WANNA TALK TO ME ANYWAY!!!
Trust me, im glad as sin that God made me a rogue, sence i can easily make it sound like im cheerful in bad times... if even that, sence i cant really feel pain anymore.
Well, guess thats my time, i cant rally type to much on here or you guys will get bored of m--if you ven tak th tim to rad this at all.
Least give a rollcall if you actuily made it to this line, and type "i luv coffee" at least.
As you can see in the previous entry, me and some friends rented the movie "Road Warrior" from the Mad Max series.
Big mistake.
At no point in my life had any one told me that there is a rape scene at the beginning, a VERY graphic rape scene, and two guys watch the whole thing from a cliff far away and do nothing to help her. After the is raped she is shot with a cross bow and dies. I started triggering, my breathing quickened, and i did my damnedest not to cry. I tried not to think about it, and i just sat there. The first thought that came to mind was to blame Nam. I was pretty damn sure he'd seen all the Mad Max movies and i know i'd mentioned to him at least once that i hadn't seen them and wanted to. He should have told me. Why the fuck didn't he tell me? But i knew this was irrational. He'd probably forgotten about it when it came up. After all, it's not like it has that much to do with the plot. I tried to calm myself down, and in trying to get my mind off of it, i just sat and watched the movie. I got pretty far, too. Mel Gibson had just gotten the truck to haul the fuel thingy and was bringing it back to the settlement when I faked that I had a phone call and left. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed some time alone.
My room mate wasn't here and hasn't been all night. I don't know where she is, but it was better for me that way. I called Nam, and asked him if he'd seen the movie. then i asked if he remembered the rape scene. He thought about it a little bit, and then uneasily said, "yes". I just asked, "why didn't you tell me?" Before he answered, i explained that i know it wasn't his fault and he couldn't have known, and if it had ever come up between us he probably didn't remember, and I knew all that. However, because I was triggering and freaking out and shocked and disturbed especially cuz i watched that scene with Ryan and Reanna, my mind needed some one to blame. He should have told me. He knows how I am. But i knew it really wasn't his fault. I was trying so hard not to cry on the phone with him, but he was so calm and took everything so well. It was possible that this was also because he was in the car with a friend, but i'd like to think that it wasn't. He even called me back! I know he said he would, but i dunno....I guess i'm just used to guys i'm not dating not calling me back when they say they will. While i was waiting and before I got into bed, i cut myself a little. It deffinately made me feel better. When Nam did call me back, he was still so calm about it. He didn't raise his voice or anything at me. He handled everything so well. He was even willing to tell me jokes and make me laugh and giggle. He was even willing to flirt a little. I asked him if he was pround of me. I was going to ask that earlier, after all i went all the way to SF ALONE with a guy and came all the way back. I asked him now, though, because I was really trying to control myself. He said he was, and it made me feel so good. I just kept apologizing and told him that when we were together, I really did try to control my disorder but it wasn't good enough and that's what pushed him away. He started to get upset then and just said, "don't think about that, don't think about that. try to get some sleep." Having said what i wanted to, i said, "Ok. Thank you.", and we said good night and all that and i went to sleep. After i said ok, he went right back to happy. I kept thanking him for taking all of this so incredibly well.
He was his old self. There are so many times now that I talk to him and I don't even know who he is anymore, times where i just sit and think that there is no way we can ever get back together because of the hurt he's caused me, but then there's moments like last night. He's patient, and caring, and sweet. He's the Nam i fell in love with, and if he asked to take me back i probably would. Would that be good for me? Probably not. I still need to get laid so i have the ability to say that sex is a good thing and it is ok to enjoy sex. Besides that, there'd probably be no more ladydesire blog if we got back together. I do love him though, and I know if i can control myself then maybe he'll love me again someday. I'm willing to be patient and see. I'm not too obsessed with that fairy tale idea, though, because I know it is unrealistic and I can live with him not being my lover as long as he is still an amazing friend. I still talk about him, and I tell people it wasn't a bad break up, even though it was hard on us both. Who was it harder on? Who cares. We'll both say each other, but that's not what matters. Why spend time arguing about who hurt the other more, cuz you'll just get more pissed off and depressed with each other. All I know is that it was my fault. That's all I need to know, so that I can change myself. He changed into the asshole he can be every now and then because of me, and if I can change back, then just maybe he can too.
