Cultural @ MindSay

One thing that you will notice about Japan if you ever come here on holidays is that just about EVERYONE sleeps on the train. In the mornings, everyone lucky enough to get a seat on the packed trains will have their eyes closed. Even some standing will be trying to get a bit of shuteye. (And yes, they actually have their eyes closed...). This goes for any age group too... sharp dressing businessmen, junior high school students, OLs, old people... Sometimes you even get to watch as drool slowly makes its way down a chin to rest upon a chest. Brilliant.

It doesn't stop there though. Japanese Taxi drivers often pull their cabs onto the side of the road to have a quick nap. They sometimes don't even bother to get their taxis OFF the road... I am sure the Hazard Lights are the most used warning signal on Japanese roads. Slowing down? Hazard lights. Turning a corner? Hazard lights. Stopped to answer a call/do your hair/pick at a pimple? Hazard lights. Having trouble deciding where to park? Hazard lights. Stopped on a small side road for a mid morning nap? Hazard lights.

At school the teachers often nap at their desks. They are all at work for long hours... some claim not to leave the school until 8pm most nights. Personally, I would get my work done during the day and leave a bit earlier; you know, if I had some work to do. There is just absolutely no shame in sleeping at your desk over here. Its almost like a Badge of Honour. You MUST be working hard if you fall asleep at your desk, right?

With all this in mind, you would think that I wouldn't have been shocked tonight when Shinchan and Anchan both claimed to fall asleep whilst at the dentist. They both LOVE the dentist, because they get a chance to have a nap. Kimochi-ii and all that.



YouTube says it all with this video...

I’ve been thinking about myself a lot. This both is and is not as self-centered as it sounds. Certainly if I didn’t think so much I could relax and enjoy things, I’d have more fun and things would certainly be a lot more comfortable. There is a fine line between having good self-reflective skills which enable you to look at your mistakes, analyze your behavior and learn from your weaknesses—and being an egotistical ninny and driving yourself into a frenzy constantly. I’m skirting the ninny side of things, unfortunately.

We had a discussion in class today. My teacher called it “housekeeping.” She said some things I really didn’t like—which was my clue to pay attention. The thing that I didn’t like was about feeling like everything is against you and therefore playing the part of the victim. What this conveys, she said, is that you don’t have any power. You do have power, she went on—get proactive on things. Figure out what it is you need to correct the situation (i.e. what would make the situation “better”)—and go out and do it, rather than whining about it. I didn’t like hearing this because—which I’ve actually been aware of and hating myself for—this is exactly what I am doing. I’ve been going into these bouts of complaining/whining/grumpiness and, when I “come to” I am ashamed of myself and I wonder what in the hell is wrong with me. I certainly don’t want to be this person. I do recognize how annoying and exasperating it is to be around—even for myself. Thinking about things some more, I realized that acting like this is actually an expression of feeling powerless.

Sometimes, I don’t know what will make the situation better; I don’t know what I need—or I feel stuck. Sometimes (too often) I’m just being a spoiled brat. The answer she gave (be proactive) is exactly what I need to do. “Shut up and do something about it,” is how I’d phrase it to myself.  I guess when I am being this way, what I am really saying is “I don’t want you to do it for me necessarily, I don’t want you to rush in to fix things—but I don’t know how to fix them for myself, can you help me find a way (to fix it myself)?” Taking a step back when I am feeling this way to rephrase my whine as “I am having trouble with this aspect of such and such, what is a good way for me to proactively solve it?” Will help a huge amount. Acting like a cranky two-year-old will not.

Another part of the problem does have to do with not having anyone to really talk to—sometimes, I just need to vent. There is, however, a threshold at which I need to stop venting and start doing something! I need to learn to recognize when I’m feeling helpless and getting grumpy and frustrated so I can brainstorm on what I can do and maybe touch bases (if necessary) with someone who can give some advice. But I need to brainstorm seriously first. It is far better if I can figure these things out for myself. I know all this—I’ve seen it work for me in the past. I guess sleeping with my teddy bear is not the only way I am reverting to a younger age. However, but thinking about  all these things—that self-reflection I was talking about—seems to have made it better—I hope it is also helpful to you. The next step is to put it into action: try to be more conscious of how I am reacting to things and try to act, rather than react. This will not only allow me to take a step back and think before I act, it will allow me to feel like I have more control, rather than feeling powerless.

I can't express how bad I feel about how I've been behaving. I don't know how to make up for it, or to apologize. I can correct my actions in the future (not that I'm likely to be perfect or anything.) But how can I make up for the past?

A second thing that we talked about which has been bothering me is that one girl is gtting very frusturated with people making blanket generalizations about Indian people and culture. Firstly, I haven’t heard any statements of this sort which I felt were out of line—I almost can’t see what is making her SO angry. On the other hand, it can be annoying when Indians say “You Americans…” and usually include something completely opposite of my experience. (“all love Bush” might be an example.) I assume it can be equally annoying for Indian’s to hear statements that start “Indians…” Yes, to some extent, this is something I do or am doing. For me it usually takes the form of “People here seem to…” Or “At home, we do this…; here they do this…” I feel like these statements, annoying as they may be, are part of restructuring your own reality to include aspects of the culture which we are currently in (Jaipuri, Rajasthani, Indian culture.) As our experience widens, these statements will likely turn to “In Jaipur, they did this; here we’re doing this—at home this is how it is, etc.” I do this with every new country I go to. I don’t mean it in a derogatory sense, it just helps me to remember features of my experience that I come up against and see how they are different and the same from my other experiences. However, the depth of this girl’s anger has me wondering—am I doing something wrong? In most cases, I am perfectly aware that *some* Indians do or think or feel or whatever I am observing on—and that mostly likely some do not. My idea of how things work is not a permanent state—it is constantly changing with every new interaction and bit of new information. How else am I supposed to learn these things? What is a better way to react? On one hand, I don’t feel like I am doing anything wrong, on the other, I don’t want to be biased and making broad generalizations is usually not a good thing. What do I do?
 

Today because I was not wearing an adequate supply of green I got pinched by some people. It was annoying, yes, but not as much as the pinchers' insolence toward the matter. For one thing, I am not one bit "Irish". I should not have to participate in an overexaggerated feast day if I do not want to. It's basically the same thing as Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is St. Valentine's feast day. He was a saint where sometime in the far passed had illegally married couples. (I dunno what the illegal matter was, or under what pretenses it was) Hence the "love" theme. But... do most people know this? NO! Why? Because people only see what is in front of them, they never think outside the box. They sit there, absorb what they're told, and think that is the law of the world. If people actually looked, they would see it is called St. Valentine's Day on the calendar. People just got lazy over time, and found it hard saying "Saint" before Valentine. So, as it is, most people do not have a resignation of the two together.  Although St. Patrick's Day still has the "Saint" in front of it, people still don't know much of the story. I don't really know it myself, but I know enough about it to make the valid arguement I'm about to make...

Guess what? If you were born in the United States, you are not Irish!! Guess what you are? Simple: American. If you go to another country such as Bolivia, will they recognize you as a 63% Russian, 7% Italian, and 30% Polish mutt? No, they're going to label you American. If you have kids with a Bolivian, they will not be 50% Bolivian, 15% Polish, 2% Italian, and 33% Russian crossbreed, guess what they will be? 50/50 American/Bolivian. When you say you are "Polish" or "Norweigien", you need to shut your mouth. You are not those things. 10% of you was not born in Norwigia while the other 90 got stuck out in Poland. You are being politically incorrect when you say such a thing. If you went to Italy while saying you were half Italian, the people there would look at you as if you were some nutcase.  The trick? It is your ancesteral heritage. Not your cultural background. Your cultural background stays here in America, no matter how many Chinese or Korean cultural influences your parents force on you. Now, to move on.

So why are we making such a big deal about another country's deal? The only people who dealed with Mr. Patrick, here, were alive before 1500! And guess what? They lived in Ireland. So why should a person whose ancesteral heritage have to deal with a friggin' green scheme day? I mean, I could argue one day that I have the right to punch anyone in the face if they are not doing anything for Oktoberfest. It's just your ancesteral heritage. Chill. Do not make such a big deal of it. Sure it is nice to go out, get drunk, and see the parades... but to go overdramatic because you can argue that you are 64% Irish? You're just being an idiot there.

I'm at school so of course I can't be as daring or all-revealing as I typically am. Thus the indecency, danger, and scandal that you usually see in these entries will have to be far more subtle or at least a little toned down. Definitely not excluded altogether, otherwise there would be no point in writing, would there?

I'm on a bit of a pessimistic downward spiral, but at least it's March and at least I'm listening to music right now. I love listening to music no one else can hear. It makes it feel more for you. I like the tone of this journal already, perhaps because I am listening to upbeat classic rock, or perhaps because it is March, and even if we have all the same snow we had throught February March hints of spring. Maybe it's because I can't help but think of how cool it is that I have a sister in Saudi Arabia right now. Perhaps she's already on her way/in Sri Lanka already. I'm so jealous.

Really I am. All I want to do is get away. All the time. I'm not running from anything. I'm not scared. It's not that kind of get away. I don't have some stupid fantasy of a perfect vacation where I fall in love with some handsome, dark stranger (that was so my plan up till the age of fourteen). No, I just want to leave the monotony and mundaneness of Bruce County, where nothing ever happens and nothing ever will. Where most of the locals are stupider than their livestock and pride themselves on it, dammit. Where people listen to coutnry all the time and never question why. I think that's what I hate most about them. They never question anything. Its...ugh. Hideous. Its so ugly not to question things. Its so ignorant, its so simple and mean and...MIDDLE CLASS! Sorry Bosie, you can have your idiom back. I'm done.

But really. I mean, I suppose I shouldn't be delving into it here. I've got at least seven others around me who could very well peer over my shoulder, and a history teacher who definitely would. I write some incriminating stuff. I remember one time I'd just written a terrible entry about a girl I referred to only as 'Jill' and then moments later an email notification popped up on my computer 'You have a new message from 'Jill'!!' and I was like "OhJesusChristandcrap" because I even stated in that entry how dead I would be if this journal was stumbled upon. I was concerned she'd read it. I was a little worried that her feelings would be hurt and she'd do something drastic, but to be honest mostly I was worried for myself. What if she told people how cruel I am about them? Never to their faces, I never say anything about them to other people, but once I have a faceless audience that presents a mask of being willing to hear, god I will go on forever. I don't think there is a single person on my Friends List that I actually know, other than Rachel (who luckily doesn't go to Chesley High and is in France at the moment) and Cecilie. Instead, although the whole F-list really really rocks, it's easier to say these things to people miles and miles away. Maybe it's because you will keep your judgements to yourself (although few of you really judge people harshly anyways). I do love you all. Because I think almost all of you are the opposite of what I suffer through in school. You are all interesting, intelligent, capable, and at least somewhat ambitious. "All men dream, but not equally," and you are among the elite dreamers. I think having the capability of those grand, complex thoughts is a good thing, even if most of them are impossible to acheive or something like that. The people here don't dream. They don't.

I said earlier 'suffer' but that doesn't seem like the right word. It makes me sound lower than them, picked on by them or something but it's not the case. I'm respected by them for the most part because I think I can occassionaly represent something. Occassionally in them you see something that vibrates to the stirrings of my voiced thoughts. You see in them a little spark of life, but there's too much in them that puts it out again every time. I'm going to sound like Neitzche or something again here. You know I'm vain so pardon me for it because I'm saying this anyways.

Sometimes I wonder how lost all these souls would be without me. I assume that if I wasn't here then, by some sort of anti-divine right -- by some sort of world-spontanious-equality-drive, that there would have to be someone else in my place with the same amount of spirit.

Humbleness is going to go right out the window, and I'm going to take this to extremes I might not actually mean so please know that I might not be entirely serious. Or perhaps for once I actually am...

Okay, so I'm a leader. I am smart and I'm very capable and I half believe that it is my duty to change things and have an effect. If I am able in any way to make things better, make things right, take control of a situation for the good of everyone, then there is practically no reason that I shouldn't. If I can do it, why would I not? I'm queen of lazy but god, some people so infuriate me with their unwillingness to believe in the basic human rights. I hate the people that are melodramatic, the ones who are ignorant, the ones who cannot see things for what they are. The ones who seem to do all the can to AVOID logic. Plain, clear logic is never wrong. And so often I want to, excuse the violent phrase, beat sense into them. I want them to understand the world. The important things. History and art are important. Cultural literacy, I find that important. HUMAN RIGHTS. That is important. And here I'm surrounded by people who ignore all that, and that is why I suffer.


Cultural literacy...

I emulated that when I was a child. I really did. I always loved teenagers because they were young and beautiful, but I found I really love the teenagers who were culturally literate on top of this. I've realised I've basically become now what I so emulated.

You see, young-me would be incredibly impressed with me-now. I'm tall, interesting, have a purely extensive actually amazing knowledge and understanding of music, dress in a kind of relaxed-grunge sort of manner, have good hair, respect, and can rattle off all sorts of facts about history, art, religion, pop culture, literature, politics...loads of liberal arts type stuff. And I'm the teenager with loads of really gorgeous friends. I won't dare say I'm goodlooking myself but you take a glance at my friends without me present and you would likely end up assuming that I am an award-winning, highly acclaimed supermodel.

So I'm not a beautiful teen, but I'm still young and intellectually I am more than I could have hoped for, and I'm still only sixteen. I could tell you so much about major world wars and the psyches of their leaders, list off a dozen philosophers and what their school of thought was and what they published without even racking my brain. I can tell you all sorts of information on hot topics like homosexuality debates. I can tell you it's history, various mentalities of different countries and where it's legal, famous gays, everything. I can list off great artists of various time periods (mostly thanks to my knowledge of musical eras which correspond...you learn the composers and artists all at once and you're like "Oh, well when he wrote this symphony this artist was getting really really big for this pieceo of work" etc.). I've written novels, tens of novellas, and have a fair enough collection of passable short stories. I can list off some of the greatest literature and argue the worth of the author and prose. I can explain, in detail, Machiavellian thought and compare him to Castiglione in the process, citing the books I've read by them. I am a damn fine ambassador for young cultural literacy.

But no one here cares.

Occassionally I try to slip in information in the middle of a class, just to kind of proove 'I know this.' But it always flys over the heads of most of the students, and its only ever the English teachers who pick up on it and can carry it on into a bigger conversation, but they seldom do for lack of time or relevance. I strive but its only for myself. No one else realises, if you think about it, so it must just be for me. Prooving to myself how much I know.

I have such awful inferiority complexes to pair with my narcissism. They aren't very extreme, but I do have this constant doubt of my abilities and I do sometimes seem to subconsiciously have to assure myself 'yes, you are better than them.'

Lately I've been feeling rough about a solo I have in the test piece our band is playing in MusicFest tomorrow, a big competition. We haven't gotten gold in three years (ever since I joined the band, ha) but we got a high silver last year. Anyways, I've got this kind of giant of a solo (nearly a duet... alto plays for a bit, then I play, then later we play together and it's pretty), but I'm so worried I'm not good enough. I keep wishing, for the sake of Mrs. Boys mostly, and for the sake of the band, that we had a better tenor sax to do it. Sure, she could've given it to the french horns or the baritones, or to the other tenor sax Veronika (although if you gave it to V. that would just be asking for death because if I'm bad I don't even want to know what she is), but I got it and I wish that someone better had. I wish that Chris K. was back. Yeah, I'm over him completely. I don't even care any more. I just mean that he was a damn fine sax player and would've done this big solo justice.

It's a really pretty part. I'm happy to have been given it, we all love to get solos. But it just seems so MASSIVE. Because it is in the song Inversia, the test piece. I mean, bloody hell.

Ford is amazing. "Don't mess it up or else we're all going to hate you forever!"

But it's kind of...I don't want to be the kid snobby people are going to say "Oh, yeah, well, we would've totally won a gold at MusicFest if they hadn't given Michaela the solo. Omigod, did you hear her?" Thing is, I could so predict my neighbour, my parrot, the girl who I dislike who clings to me, the girl who I have discovered, both from her own drunk, unremembered words and from various testimonials of others, has a crush on me...I could predict her saying that. She loves to criticise. She loves to say she could've done it better.

Whenever I get to cases where I criticise like that it's not "I could've done better" becuase I never criticise in those instances because we just don't know whether I would've or not. It's more like cases where it's "I did do better." Like the New York thing. I'm still really pissed that I didn't win that. I really should've. I was the ideal, culturally literate, candidate. I was perfect for it, dammit. I did a better speech. Yes, Caley deserves it also because she is a good person seldom recognise, but I had a better speech. I really wish I could see those interviews...it must have been the interview.

I was thinking about it the other day. I hate to beat it to death but...goddammitchrist. I really wanted to go. I would've done well there. I would've been perfect. I would've been OUT of Bruce County. Christ.

I've written all sorts of things I shouldn't write from school.

Look at that. I should just go hand myself over to the social authorities now. But I won't go down without a fight, and no one is going to argue that fact, because they know they wouldn't beat me. And if I won't go down without a fight then I won't go down at all, because I am able to argue my way out of anything.

I'm beginning to wonder if that ability is even all that good for me.