Cry @ MindSay

Dixie currently feels:

 Depressed

 

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Yesterday, whilst Adam was round here again - he told me he can tell when I'm depressed.

 

His main reasoning was, whenever I'm with him, I'm prone to laughing spontaneously for long periods of time. I'll laugh a lot at most seemingly normal things he says.

 

But his reasoning was that when I'm depressed, I don't laugh, I'll only smile minorly.

So I thought, and I applied it - and I found that he was right.

 

So I'm wondering, am I really that obvious?

 

When I'm alone in the house and depressed, I'll wander up and down the passage, staring at the floor.

If I'm laid on the sofa in the living room, I'll stare at my reflection in the fireplace for ages.

If I'm in my room, I usually sit differently in my chair - I'll slouch more, whilst I normally sit really straight.

 

I've also noticed I get less enjoyment from things, and when I think to myself, I swear less, and when I talk, my voice is a lot more emotionless.

 

 

When I'm around others, I'll isolate myself.

 

In school, I'd sit down my aisle, or I'd sit at a table alone.

If I were on a table with others, I'd remain silent, and work quicker, with my head down.

 

 

Yeah, I'm starting to realise.

 

I actually am that obvious.

 

I must've been really sad yesterday, because Adam actually hugged me.

And that never happens.

Just tried to act like I had a high spirit today.

It was not easy. I had to forget about all my problems.

I think the other people really believe I'm fine.

I am not.

Already one little thought about him, about us,

brings me to tears.

And I have to think about it so often.

It hurts. It really does.

 

The thought of him dating another girl kills me.

Although it was my decision to quit the relationship.

I do not know why it hurts so much,

why I cannot stand those terrible thoughts...

 

For some reason I couldn't go on with him

but without him, nothing got better.

 

It is terrible to know that I have left someone great.

Someone lovely, beautiful, faithful, intelligent.

Someone, I probably will never find again.

And Someone, of whom I never would have thought

that he might could be interesteted in me.

 

And nevertheless, I had to leave him and something

tells me that it has to be like that.

I hate it.

I was happy with him.

I'd like to be happy again, with him, he was my angel.

 

I cannot stand the thought of him, caring for someone new.

I mean, I don't know what happens with me.

But he was with me. And we did all the nice little things together.

And now?

I am lonely.

I begins to hurt really, I mean, even physically.

 

But when my decision was right,

WHY??? DAMN, WHY? am I so unhappy?

Why do I think of him so often and why does it hurt

to think of him and another girl?

 

In 3 days I will be 18 years old.

I hate it. Some people asked if I would have a party.

 

A Party??? Why should I have a party?

Celebrating that this miserie now lasts for 18 years?

Celebrate that I make people unhappy, make myself unhappy?

 

I don't have the impression that I am a usual youth.

Why seem the people around me just to get along with their lifes?

Sure, they also have problems, but they can handle them.

They don't tortuere themselfs so much, I don't know how they do it.

 

My head always is full of thoguhts, sorrows, fear.

It was always like that.

No matter how the situation is, I am afraid.

Afraid of beeing left alone. Of making mistakes.

Afraid of the whole world, most of all probably of myself.

 

My< parents tell me its not easy to handle me.

It often would not be fine to be wiht me.

It hurts hearing them saying things like that.

 

I know I am terribly complicated,

but this makes my impression stronger that,

I am a little unsociable bad girl, that on the

other hand has got high requirements, absolutely detached ones really.

Or why the hell had I to leave my wonderful boyfriend?

Do I still want more? MORE THAN THAT?

I hate myself.

 

I am a fucked up person, and want people around me

to be perfect or even more than that?

What is going on with me???

What is going WRONG might be the right question.

 

If I had at least one wish, I want god to make this go away.

I want him to make me able to apreaciate things I have and

persons in my life.

And although it's might egoistic, I want to stop the fact that

I am so often so extremely desperate and unhappy.

But how?

I don't know.

 

My biggest wish would really be, to be happy again,

to get the chance to apreciate it this time.

I was thankful a few times when I was really happy,

But there are always these fears and sorrows,

that avoided that these moments could last.

 

I hurt a lot of people in the past, and I still do.

I want to be happy again to let people take part in it.

To make people happy. To let them know that they're great,

to let them know I love them.

 

I want to love again.

It feels so cold without love.

Love is missing.

Want it to come back.

 

If there's a god, I would like to ask him,

if he might help me.

 

I know that there also have to be bad times.

You learn from them and you get stronger.

But there were too many of them in my life.

For real, there was only one good, and it seems

to be over right now.

 

I want to thank for this time.

But I always want to ask for some strength.

I am not strong at all.

I am probably the weakest person in the world.

 

I like to be strong.

Want to make people happy who deserve it, instead of hurting them.

 

Help me, god.

 

Love

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    "What you may thought you were may never be the same. What you may think, feel, know.."

    The doctor said that in order to overcome it is to unravel the hidden memories. Stop repressing and focus on "relaxation techniques" while reliving the memory. Like jumping into ice cold water; uncomfortable at first, but manageable after a moment, she said. I covered my face in my hands -- it felt so Freudian, so cheap, such worthless advice. I guess she's right. Do I have to remember his scent, his hands pushing against mine, my screams, his threats, in order to come to some kind of peace? Solace through pain.


    I'll give it a try. Hit or miss, isn't it?

Dixie currently feels:

 Dead

 

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Blog Poem #2

 

"Scabs"

 

 

Whenever I was hyper active,

Enjoying the way I'm supposed to live,

I'd often remark on pointless things,

And smile on the joy that my randomness brings.

 

I once often remarked, my brain was gooey,

The sky was bluey, glue sticks were gluey,

My brain was so screwy, my Converse were shoey.

 

The best thing I ever said though:

"My scabs are chewy."

 

And that's not a lie.

I'd picked one from my knee and gave it a try.

It was crunchy at first, then soft inside,

The surface was squishy, all the blood had dried.

 

Scabs are only a barrier, a mask, if you will,

They cover the wounds and they will be clean, until...

 

Until I rip them off again,

I want to see what's under them.

The wound hasn't fully healed.

 

It's bleeding now, just like when I:

Drove the cold blades into myself,

Sliced off my flesh and cut out some trenches,

I start the war, I fight the war,

I make my own barracks, eat my own stew.

 

I raise my own weapon, but not to my enemy.

I raise it to myself, and bring it down fast.

Ah... Relief at last.

 

I've made this once happy poem into something I shouldn't.

Keeping myself happy, content, I knew that I couldn't.

 

My scabs are all gone now.

I've scraped them away, pow.

 

All that's there now are the remains of the mark,

The small red indents where my silver blades park.

 

Where they dance upon me,

Take their fill of my skin, see?

 

There's one there, one here, one just near my elbow,

One down in the middle, and this one here... Oh...

 

...Maybe I shouldn't show that one to you.

 

Dixie currently feels:

 Depressed

 

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 Currently playing:

 

- Guitar Hero III

- Sonic Adventure DX

 

 Currently listening to:

 

- Chu Chu Lovely Muni Muni Mura Mura... - Maximum The Hormone

- Morgenstern - Rammstein

- Johnny, I Hardly Knew Ya - Dropkick Murphys

 

 

 Currently reading:

 

- Whispers In The Dark

- The Yellow Block

 

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 GH3 songs played today:

 

Holiday In Cambodia (Ex), Slow Ride (Ex), Story Of My Life (Ex), Talk Dirty To Me (Ex), Avalancha (Ex), Closer (Ex)(x2), Knights Of Cydonia (Ex), Hier Kommt Alex (Ex), Reptilla (Ex), Sabotage (Ex), My Name Is Jonas (Ex), Miss Murder (Ex), Rock You Like A Hurricane (Ex), Welcome To The Jungle (H), Closer (H), Radio Song (H), Hier Kommt Alex (H) 

 

- Groupies: 6079! -

 

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 Times cried: Twice

 Wounds inflicted: None

 

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Today's song lyrics:

 

Story Of My Life - Social Distortion

 

Good times come and good times go...
I only wish the good times would last a little longer....
I think about the good times we had, and why they had to end...

So I sit at the edge of my bed...
I strum my guitar, and I sing an outlaw love song...
Wonderin' bout what you're doin' now, and when you're comin' back...

 

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I just flicked through the pages of my blog.

I like the way all the colours and pictures and smileys look together.

 

Although some say I'm black and emo, I like colours.

So I use varying colours in my blog sometimes.

 

I don't have any pictures to put on here today, so I've just used a lot of smileys.

 

 

I've become a forum whore.

I'm addicted to my own forum now.

 

All yesterday, and all this morning, whenever someone posted, I responded straightaway.

There were about four of us on there last night for about five hours.

I stayed awake until 6am talking to them all.

 

I've been out for about an hour, and I've come home to 76 thread alerts.

I have plenty to say then. :)

 

I only learnt this morning that my forum is the most popular in the entire Pokémon genre on FFN - with now 26,000 posts.

I'm happy about that.

 

 

- But depressed about everything else.

 

 

Last night, I was laid on my bed crying.

Daddy was sat on the PC - he didn't say a word to me.

 

He left without speaking to me.

He knew I was crying - I was making a lot of snuffling sounds, it wasn't difficult to tell.

 

 

...Sigh, I want to be a baby again.

 

I've just been at my aunty's.

My cousin has two children, one who is two, and one who's about a month old.

 

...Just seeing daddy holding Millie made me so sad inside.

...Daddy never hugs me anymore.

...I'm too big for him to hold me...

 

...I'm not Daddy's little girl anymore.

...Just thinking about it is making my eyes leak.

 

I cried in the car on the way home, my head pressed to the back of mam's seat.

...She's being horrible to me and all. ...Saying if I don't do stuff aorund the house I'm gonna get hurt or kicked out or something...

 

 

...Sigh, and now I don't have anybody left.

 

I'm leaving school in three weeks.

I won't have Parry anymore.

 

I don't have Emily anymore.

Reiss is ignoring me.

Rathe's disappeared off the face of the Earth...

 

 

...Yeah, now I feel like hurting again.

 

...Meh, I'll go on my forums, see if I can take my mind off things...

 

.............Sigh.