Crush @ MindSay

Maybe girls disguise flattery with anger. Alam mo kasi ang mga babae, katulad din naman ng mga lalake, complicated pinalaki. Siguro kaya ganun sila mag-react kasi una nilang naiisip "what is proper." For many, it's not proper to express yourself; to respond to flatteries lalo na kapag yung mga magulang nila sinsabihan sila "o wag ka muna magboboyfriend" o kaya "anak bata ka pa ha" or napapanuod nila sa TV na yung mga lalake manloloko lang yan. Sa Philippine context lang siguro applicable tong sinasabi ko.

 

Kaya ang weirdo ng mga reaksyon ng babae kasi ganun sila diniktahan ng magulang, ng society. Dapat wag ka agad magpapakita na gusto mo sila, cheap yun. Dapat wag kang malikot babae ka. Dapat wag ganito dapat ganian. Never silang sinabihan na, kung anong nasa isip nila pwede nilang sabihin. Kaya ganun ang nagiging resulta, nagagalit sila kahit deep inside natutuwa naman sila. Kunyari naiinis, kunyari nandidiri pero ginagawa din naman nila pag walang nakatingin.

 

Lahat naman tayo dinidiktahan ng dapat nating gawin. Ang pinaka madaming dikta yung gender, babae ka dapat ikaw ang liligawan. Sya yung lalake sya dapat gumawa ng paraan. Babae ka, emosyonal ka. Lalake sila syempre mas malakas sila. Babae ka kasi kaya kapag hindi ka na virgin medyo hindi maganda pero yung mga lalake ano bang mawawala sa kanila?

 

Pucha.

What to write about today?

Nothing big to really report today.  I guess that might be a lie.  Parker was absent, and the loud sub, Delia, was in his place.  Nothing too major happened this morning; at the end of cash-in, E and D were on the comp, and D would NOT sign off.  Then he washed his hands for about 6 minutes (stalling?) and then was bouncing the basketball right up until I said he wouldn’t be allowed to have it at recess.  John thinks D is nervous and that he covers it up with acting tough.  I believe that to a point; I also believe he has ODD (Oppositional-Defiant Disorder) in some degree, because a lot of the time he just tells us no or does the opposite just because he can.

                After lunch is when we fell apart a little.  On the playground, on which D spent MAYBE 2 of the 25 minutes on, apparently Emilly (the girl D has a crush on) ran by with ‘girl in Yankees shirt’ (my guess is Kiarah but I was inside with A) ran by and they said, “She likes you” (Yankees shirt girl about D) and “She likes you” (Em about E).  To summarize, according to what was shouted, as reported by E and John, The girl D has a crush on likes his best friend, E.  This was his focal point the rest of the day.  He had trouble processing the connection.  I don’t know more about it than what was yelled, and they started to write her a note to see ‘do you have a crush on _____ or _____, circle and send back to our room’, but I have a feeling this is going to lead to something not-good over the next few days.

                A fell apart during silent reading.  I felt bad leaving Delia with him after he had just lost his safebody for calling her a loser and an idiot and being unsafe with some furniture, but ENC was with me at the time.  Took him until the middle of SS time (an hour and a half later) to get back under full control, but he did, and had a great art period, too.  He ended the day with, “Miss E … I love you.  Have a really great night”.  He really wanted to get back up to 100%, and he did, even though he was already there before he wished me well.  Except for AB having a rough morning with a headache and no work motivation, today was pretty good.

 

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Dixie currently feels:

 Negative

 

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Blog #74

Incredibly Bland Thursday

 

 

Media Studies is really getting to be a pain in the arse.

I don't mind doing the coursework - on the contrary, the coursework is quite fun at times.

 

Today we had to watch the opening sequence to Hot Fuzz and take notes on it.

Then we had to answer exam-style questions about it - ARGHHHH, PAIN IN THE ARSE.

 

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I had an appointment with Dianne at 11 - today mainly discovering my returning Ash-paranoia, which recently, is at all all-time-high. Gah.

 

I couldn't be arsed going into town for lunch, so I indulged once more in the processed fried goodness from the refectory. I chose a cheeseburger with chips and a can of 7up.

 

Shelly is mint at timing sometimes - no sooner as I'd sat myself down to eat, she came along and sat with me.

Ashleigh came in at her usual time of half 12. We got bored after a while, so we went in the LRC.

 

I decided here I would show Ash the thing I made last night on Photoshop. I'd shown it to Lewis after our Media Studies lesson, just before my appointment with Dianne.

 

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Last night, I made this:

 

 

Using some photographs I took at the end of yesterday's photography lesson - I rounded off the corners, blurred the edges, added a black border - then I used two different layers - left the heart the real colour and made everything else greyscale.

 

It has a double-meaning too.

It can be taken literally - as Ashleigh actually IS holding a heart - or it can be viewed as my love for her that she doesn't know what to do with, as she doesn't really want it.

 

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I do silly things sometimes.

I did a silly thing today.

 

I was waiting for Ash to come out of the ground floor lift from the LRC - I was stood at the top of the wonky stairs.

...I don't know if what I did was revenge for her making me feel so shit last Saturday, but - I spat on her from the top of the stairs.

 

I'd warned her though - at first I was only messing around, but I did end up doing it.

Fortunatley, I didn't hit her head - I splattered the back of her wheelchair.

 

I felt bad about it - I wiped her down afterwards, apologising profusely.

She cuddled me after B block too - telling me it was okay, I'd just been silly as usual.

 

I hope she meant it...

I don't know if Ash would lie to me or not. :(

 

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The remainder of my night was spent eating cakes, drinking Coca-Cola and playing through dungeons on Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles.

 

I also managed to fix my Guitar Hero Community account - so I celebrated with a few songs on Expert.

My scores are sending - but they don't seem to be sending to the challenges I'm involved in. Hmmmmmmmmmmm...

Today was fast, and there were a lot of highs and lows. Pat came to visit to talk about some stuff (not necessarily good stuff for next year, apparently), and then we were met by D and a VERY stressed out, unhappy Nichole. She’s ‘done’ with him and his attitude; him plus 3…she’s too overwhelmed. I wish I could help more than just taking him from 8:30 – 3:00. First issue; when D and E were tugging on something, and D’s bowl of cereal/milk went flying a bit. Parker asked them to clean up, E came to get papertowels, D had issue with that. Very focused on his spoon being on floor. Offered to help wash it, met with attitude. Told Claudia to go get him one, she said ‘when you ask politely’. Meanwhile, I go to drop off lunch/attendance, and I beg for an extra spoon. I get back, and apparently D has lost his safebody by leaving the room and then throwing his cereal bowl on the floor. Amazing what you can miss in a 3-minute period. Still MCAS testing, so I was in my room this morning, and A and E did great with reading instruction, and D when he finally settled in did okay, too.

Lunch was interesting today : ). Both D and his little crush (Emilly) had table washing duty. She had our table, and found his extra milk. Parker says, ‘it’s D’s; he’s right over there, why don’t you go give it to him’. That exchange was calm, but as Em was coming back over to finish her tables, Tori comes over and they’re whispering to each other. So I was like ‘Ooh, do you like someone?’ and she shrugs. Then Tori tells me she has a crush on a boy in S. Africa, and then also Evan the 6th grader. And then she kinda blurts out, “Kiarah has a crush on E, but don’t tell him!” and leaves. Aw; my boys have 4th grade girls! Elementary school is so funny.

Lunch recess, Cam comes over SCREAMING CRYING that E had called him a bitch. E called him a bitch because Cam apparently screamed in his face. Cam doesn’t see that maaaaaaaaaybe he was just as wrong as E was. Very proud of E expressing himself, not blowing up, and not taking off. He was even able to come in for reading and settle right in. And he STAYED settled in, even with A listening to a book on tape, and D kicking table/making noise/trying to talk to him/trying to make him stop being on task. He acted like he was honestly so engrossed in his book that he missed all of it. amazing.

Parker and I took E and D to gym @ 1 after everyone had bad attitudes during writing time. This unit needs to end or change, because it really makes them frustrated with its pacing. Gym was okay; D was in the bathroom for easily 20 minutes, and E didn’t want to start the class running, so we went for a walk and found Parker and hung out a little, and then went to gym. Stilts and the Hawaiian jump rope were a little frustrating, but not too bad. At end, Mary (gym teacher) wanted a volunteer for the criss-cross, and she picked this boy Jake to go, and E was like ‘I want to!’ and then after Jake finished, Aaron (maybe it wasn’t Aaron) raised his hand to go after Jake, and she said, “E asked to go, so he can”. At the beginning of the year, she DEF would have ignored him; yay progress!

I had to talk to some people in gym. By people, I mean Parker. Like, three times. OH LORD. He doesn’t seem to fully realize that E and D IDOLIZE him and want to be just like him, so they do what he does. So when Mary said ‘practice getting the rhythm again, no one jump through yet’, and Parker went to stick his foot in to judge, guess what the other 2 did; except, they jumped through fully. Or when Parker was showing me that if I covered over Doug’s head with my finger, he looked like A (they’re cousins, and have v. similar builds and outfits on today, tho Doug had blue sweats and A had grey). Funny to a point…NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOW E, who picks on A enough and has issues with Doug as it is! Jeez. We’re supposed to be the adults here; you have to remember you always have an audience.

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Dixie currently feels:

 Depressed

 

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Blog #45

Another Silly Saturday...

 

 

I really don't get sleep-ins on the weekend anymore.

I always have to be up early on Sundays so that mam or dad can take me to nana's before work, and I usually have to get up early on the Saturday to prepare for Ash and Shelly coming round, or me going to theirs.

 

Today we went to Ash's bungalow. I ended up arriving daft early though - dad couldn't take me any later. Ash didn't seem to mind.

We sat around on her bed for around an hour, talking in our usual random banter. Ash seems to be changing recently. Since the two of us confronted her about being so withdrawn and never showing any emotions, never offering hugs or never letting us know that she loves us - she seems to be opening. Slowly, but I can see it.

 

A conversation about blowing the moon in half lead us to rathergood.com - we went on her laptop and I showed her WE LIKE THE MOON.

It's still as creepy as I remember - but it's still slightly amusing at parts.

 

WE LIKE THE MOOOOOON. COZ IT IS CLOSE TO US...

WE LIKE THE MOOOOOOOOOOOON... BUT NOT AS MUCH AS A SPOOON...

COZ THAT'S USED MORE FOR EATING SOUP.

 

Some of the stuff on that site is piss, and some of it is just pretty random and pointless. Still, it's amusing.

 

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Shelly came at her usual time.

She made her prescence well with the big fuck off white minibus pulling up on Ash's road.

 

And of course, I took it upon myself to point at the window and go: "MINBUS! MINIBUS!"

Ash just smiles and says: "...Hmm, must be Shelly." :)

 

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We spent a few hours playing World Tour.

It's not the same at Ash's - we has no drums - and we has a really small TV - but either way, we're a guitar duet, sometimes with a singer.

 

I take Slider with me.

I used to take Legend - but that was before I completely covered him in stickers.

I've never taken Whitey.

 

I need to upload a photo of my three guitars. They look mint together. :)

 

I did a 6-song gig as the vocalist - ON EXPERT, BITCH.

I picked some harder songs too - like B.Y.O.B. - level 18!

I mainly picked heavy metal songs: Trapped Under Ice, Prisoner Of Society, Freak On A Leash - the like.

 

But that's me - I can sing heavy metal.

It's piss, Shelly proper can't. And of course, Ash can't sing at all. :P

 

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Ash's mam made us toasted sarnies shortly after this.

The first time I was offered them - I was offered the choice of corned beef and onion, cheese and ham or just cheese alone.

I asked for CORNED BEEF AND CHEESE.

 

Lmfao, her face was pretty funny - but it was fucking nectar.

Since then, Ash has taken a liking for them - and today Denham wanted one too.

 

I was all like: "MWAH, I'M INFLUENCING YOUR CHILDREN."

I'm often like that. :)

 

I had one today as well - MY WORD, it's the fastest I've ever eaten ANYTHING.

It literally took me A MINUTE. I even shocked myself.

 

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We filmed a few more little sections for our trailer - I'd say we are done with the clips now. I just need to assemble the 2nd draft.

We filmed extreme close-ups, mainly. So I have like a 2 minute video of Ash proper distorting her face. It's fucking weird. :)

 

Denham came and played World Tour with us after this.

I let him have my guitar - I just sat behind Ash annoying her. :)

 

It's so much fun to randomly start biting the arm of the bass player in the middle of a song. :D

I started massaging her shoulders too. I'm told I'm good at massages - but I have to be slightly harder with Ash - due to her loss of feeling in her back. I was hurting her at one point, so I just kept on doing it harder until she was buckled over in her chair, screaming.

 

Funny, I know. I felt bad afterwards though - so I rubbed it better. :)

 

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Before we had tea, we all went into the living room and played a few rounds of Cheat.

I got the idea after eyeing the playing cards on Ash's desk.

 

I won two out of the three rounds. Tee hee, I be good.

I could always tell when Shelly was cheating - she got screwed over a shitload of times due to me.

 

It was always because I had ALL the fours, and ALL the sevens.

Before any of them put down a card when it was those numbers, I'd just go: "DON'T BOTHER PUTTING ANYTHING DOWN, YOU'RE CHEATING." :)

 

Ash was proper cheating the entire game - she was doing it for the sake of it!

I only cheat when I have to. Her face is so funny when you catch her. She pouts and bends her head as she scoops the pile into her hand.

 

Shelly proper goes off in a paddy - that's even fucking funnier. :)

 

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After our tea (I had crispy chicken bites, spaghetti, chips and a Muller Corner for afters) - we went back into Ash's room for a few hours.

Cue our lay-on-the-bed-and-cuddle-each-other-for-an-hour time. :)

 

We went back on rathergood.com - watched the random kitten animations.

Though half the time we couldn't really concentrate on them because we had Shelly sat behind us going: "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW..." - like fucking constantly. :D

 

Ash's mam came in shortly after this, poking a handful of Galaxy Ripples around the door.

And she goes: "....RRRRRRIPPLEEEEEES!" - like proper strange. (Exactly how Ash would say WACKY---.)

 

I just pissed myself for like 15 minutes.

 

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I never realised how easy it was to embarrass me.

Either way, it's easy - and those two wouldn't stop.

Every time I felt myself burning, I'd "nestle" underneath Ash's shelves.

 

I won't forget the comment from her: "Aww, are you nestling again? Into your little cavern of embarrassment?"

Ash, sadistic cow. :)

 

I would say the day was fine up to this point. Then I did something stupid.

 

I didn't quite admit it - I got Ash to work it out for herself, but either way - she now has confirmation that I'm in love with her.

She did already know - as I suspected.

 

But now I feel really fucking weird.

Shelly kept hugging me, saying it was alright. I didn't want to be hugged, because it made me cry.

 

...But there is one thing that sort of proves that Ash doesn't mind.

When we were going home, she didn't sit in the front - she sat in the back, in the middle seat between us.

And she didn't ask Shelly if she wanted a hug when she left - but she asked me...

 

Is that pity because she knew I was upset... Was it to let me know everything was okay...

Or was it just a goodbye hug...

 

I don't know... I don't think I'll ever know.