Crossroads @ MindSay 
I've been sensing that I'm coming to a crossroads in my journey through grief . . . that if I don't stop at this junction and make a conscious choice, the path I'm on will not only be self-destructive, but destructive to the people who love me.
Why today? It's been over a year since Zac's accident . . . why so long? I'm sure many wonder why I haven't gotten over it yet. Right now time is relative. I blink my eyes and the passage of a year is just a second ago. I still can't fathom that he won't at any minute walk through the door with his "hey mom" and touch my shoulder or give me one of his giant bear hugs.
I've kept a grief journal . . . so why write in a public place? Good question. Will having someone else grasp one iota of the pain of losing my son somehow soothe me?
I've done some processing up to now. Here are some things I know:
You can never let your guard down, because one night you will pick up the phone and your life will never be the same.
I knew that. Shouldn't I have know that after having 4 previous calls to learn of the sudden deaths of my dad in 1976, my mom in 1989, my brother Frank in 1993, and my brother John a year or two after that.
Your child should never go before you do.
I know that there are conversations that we should have had but didn't.
I know that you need the love and support of your loved ones even though there is nothing nothing nothing they can say or do to make it all better. And it's worse if they try. Just to have your friend sit with you, or take care of something that you need to do -- like, say, make you eat something . . .
Here is the biggest thing I've learned. And this was less than a month ago. I will never be the same. I kept expecting to "get better" or "get over it" or not feel so much pain still. And then it hit me. I Will Never Be The Same. I remember reading in C.S.Lewis' A Grief Observed how he compares the aftermath of losing a loved one to being like someone who loses a leg. You will go through recovery and learn to walk again, but it will never be the same.
The thing is, today I felt some hope about that.
Today I found this, written by Danielle Steel, who lost her son: "Losing a child is nine parts unthinkably horrible and one part gift. The secret to surviving it is finding the gift. One is never the same, but one has the choice of becoming bigger, deeper, more . . ."
And it was today that I had read earlier in my latest book on grief, A Grief Unveiled by Gregory Floyd, ". . . No, we are never going to be the same. There is no turning back, no becoming again what we were before Johnny died. The school of suffering has taught us lessons that can be learned only in its hallways. We are different. Love anything and your heart will break, as C.S. Lewis has said. We gave our hearts away to this boy as completely as we could and he took off with it. I realize that sometimes the reason I feel so strange is that part of my heart is not here any more . . ."
Can you wake up one day and feel hope again?
Just for this day I can believe that.
G'day and Goodbye....
First of all I'd like to appologize for waiting this long to make this entry. I have been putting off this last entry for quite some while. The long and short of it is, that I have failed (for now at least) to qualify for my 2nd Olympic Games. As you could tell from my last entry, things weren't going to well with my health when I was back in Europe.
So a brief recap of what's gone on since that last entry:
I eventually got over the food poisoning. I had never experienced it before and thus didn't know what to expect as far as recovery times. Needless to say my stomach got better well before the rest of my body/head did. The day after the race in The Netherlands, I could only make it 7.50 minutes in my run, when I had to turn back. I spent the next week ONLY being able to run between 30 - 45 minutes before I would feel rather week/dizzy.
Time wasn't on my side, and in the end I wasn't able to race at Heusden (although a lot of deserving athletes were turned away this year by the meet organizer). This essentially ended my last hope @ Beijing. I decided to take a stab at one more Olympic birth in the 1500 instead. That also was a bit too optimistic as all year/season long I had conditioned my body to handle 68 to 70 second pace per 400 meters, instead of the 58 to 59 second per 400 meter pace I'd now need. I even when as far as extending my trip in Europe by an extra week so I could get extra rest and one las shot @ the 1500.
In the end it was not to be. Sometimes once's got to face the music. So unfortunately this tale will not have the ending I would've wanted. I headed to Europe a little over a month ago with high hopes and good spirits, I had a plan and it went awry prettty quickly. I tried to adjust and face the obstacles (no pun intended) head on with a positive attitude, but eventually I had to just let go.
I left Europe last Tuesday (July 29th) to head back to the U.S. I was and felt severly dissapointed and overwhelmingly crestfallen. I've worked so hard and been so focused the last 4 years for this one goal and to have it come down to circumstances that were somewhat out of my hands, was too much to handle. I could always accept failing, but to have my last few attempts be at a state of being less than 100% was really a tough pill to swallow.
So now I'm currently in New Jersey visiting my mother who's back in the U.S and my grandmother who's in the U.S for the 1st time ever. I'm taking (or will attempt) 1 month off completely from running. I have never taken this much time off since I started running competitively (8 + yrs now?). I hope this break will recharge both my mental and physical batteries, as I arrived back in the U.S severely down and sad.
I'm clearly at a cross roads in my athletics life, or at least I feel/felt that's the case. I'm young enough (26 yrs old) to be in this game for another 4 - 8 yrs (basically two more Olympic cycles), but I'm also (for now at least) mentally drained from the single minded focus I invested into the Beijing Games. I hope this break from running will do me some good and really light that fire in me again. I wouldn't want to go out on a down note.
The next step as of now will be to return to Boulder by the begining of September and resume training. I have far too many goals out there to just hang 'em up. I'll sit down and look over the past year's training and see what could/can be done different. Possibly tweak some workouts here and there differently as well. Next year is also a big year. Berlin, Germany will be hosting the 2009 IAAF World Track and Field Championships. Basically the World Championships are the 2nd biggest show on earth for us Track Athletes outside of the Olympics of course. I'll refocus my efforts/goals for that event.
Nothing will ever replace not making Beijing, but I have (slowly over the past week) started to come to terms with that. I can't look towards 2009 and beyond (2012 Olympics in London) till I've fully come to terms with this year's events. It's been a long and tough ride. Many ups and of course downs. I will remember both and take many lessons away. I will cheer on my fellow athletes and mates that will participate in the Opening ceremonies and compete in their respective events/sports over the next few weeks.
Lastly I'd like to thank a few (I clearly won't name everyone) people that have been helpful along the way, not just in this year but over the past few.
My parents: John & Nuria Caracciolo
Coach (past/present): Steve Clarke ('03 - '05), Brad Hudson ('05 - 07), Lorraine Moller
Friends/Family (some but clearly not all): Clay & Sky Hope, Carlos "Dadito" Mandje, Henry Caracciolo, Al Garraffa, Adam Ostrow, Ramat & Tanimu, John Dinozzi, David Krummenacker, Bolota Asmeron, The Faraci & Ziminsky Families, Ross Schubert, Spencer Casey, Paul Hamblyn, The Torri twins: Jorge & Ed, Jason Hartman, all of my kiwi training mates (you guys/girls know who you are), Yommi O, Myra Moller, Murray Taylor, Jasmine Moller, Harlan Smith, (Virtually everyone in Boulder -truly a great community for athletes), Samia Akbar, Steve Sherer, Delwyn Moller & fam., Steve Sumner, Sunny Turner, Danny over @ Newton Co., Nobby, Rod Dixon, Gary Moller, Bruce Moller, Fasil Bizuneh, Stefano Galli, Franki Poli, Johan Mordijck (Belgium isn't Belgium w/out him) & many many more people. I'd go on, but it'd take forever and they're already playing the "wrap it up" music in my head. Ha ha just kidding.
Honestly though it's been a great ride -well not the happiest of endings, but lesson will be learned from this and I'll be a better person for it - and I couldn't have done nearly as much as I did in this past year or the last four for that matter without the support of many of the names above.
Thanks again to each and everyone of you who took this journey with me and expressed interest in my progress, whether it was in person, via e-mail or of course through Mindsay.
This will be my last entry (although I may chronicle another big journey in my athletic's life sometime between now and 2012, but only TIME will tell). I'll gladly answer any questions or reply to comments on this or via e-mail. I plan on taking a much needed vacation from my life and heading to Barcelona & Ibiza, so just in case I don't reply promptly, you'll know why.
To quote Semisonic's Closing Times, "Every new begining comes from some other begining's end...."
Peace & Love
Destiny! What is it you may ask. It is the outcome of our lives. We all have a destiny, most of us have not yet figured it out, but for those of us who have it is not always pretty. We find ourselves at crossroads during this time of our lives. When we come to these crossroads we need to choose the way that is best for us, for the outcome of this choice will more than likely be the route our life takes. Although there are many roads the right one is not always right so choose wisely for this is your greatest life choice. I know in my life I have taken a few wrong ones, but I seem to make my own path back to where I need to be. The key to doing this such instance is to figure out if your path is right and choose to stay on it or to steer to what is right for you. Although Noones life is the same we are all still able to figure out or right paths even if things don't seem to be right. It's a hard path at times but stick to it and you shall see the rewards of patience. And to all those who have read this I hope you understand that I am not the greatest mind nor am I the greatest person, yet this is just an opinion, a page you may say from life and mind to you.
