Crisis @ MindSay 
love
The part when the wife has lost her husband, and both her kids to car accidents, so she kills herself and goes to hell. But no traditional hell..her own personal hell. She committed suicide, and suicides are destined to live over their torment over and over and they will never know what happened. I can't help but feel that's me. My whole life has been filled with deja-vu and odd coincidences that have lead me to think this. I know it sounds crazy and maybe it is, but I just can't help but think this way.
What if I am already in hell? What if I'm living over my life the same way until the moment I die? I'd say it's a fitting punishment, but what did I do? Don't I get some chance at redemption?
There are signs, "omens", if you want to call them that have been literally driving me insane. I have constant thoughts and memories of things that I haven't done yet, but I end up doing them. When I was 10 or so, I used to have thoughts that I'd end up in seeing a psychiatrist, and sure enough it happened. I remember a time when I thought I was going to end up in a psychiatric ward and sure enough, when I get home that's where my doctor wants to send me. There have been other strange things like the deja-vu that bother me. It happens frequently. Something will spark a thought "have I done this before? It seems too familiar for it to be happening again. I swear this has happened before."
And it never ends. I really think I'm losing my mind. And I don't think it's something new. I'm pretty sure I've been losing myself for a long time now...
I have this tendency to vent my emotions, every time some incident occurs that affects others on a global, national, or societal level, by means of writing down every ounce of my thoughts. Today I write about an event, actually a series of events – triggered by what was visibly a mere gun-shot, but swiftly evolving into a number of shots, a couple of bomb blasts, unnumbered casualties and riots activated by frustration – that occurred last evening. It left my country, not only with the loss of a lot of treasured lives but unleashed on us the frustration of thousands of people across the country who took to the streets proclaiming their anger for the assassination of the politician who they were supposedly “religiously devoted” to.
But what sort of way is this, to prove one’s love and dedication? Burning up cars and trucks, breaking shops and people’s faces, terrorizing others around you – it all symbolises a nation submerged so far deep into frustration that it would take nothing less than a supernatural force to drag it out before it drowns. And what we do within the boundaries of our lavishly decorated homes, while watching this on TV is shake our heads with disappointment at the conditions of our country. Curse the politicians, curse the people, curse the country, then have dinner and plop down on our beds for a good night’s sleep. Oh and then when we cannot find the excuse for the occurrence of the event – cannot find enough witnesses to blame it on – we blame it on Islamic extremism. Yes of course, our brother by religion Osama sitting in some god forsaken cave of Afghanistan – the Director of world wide terrorism – is always ready to take the blame! Some video or the other miraculously appears out of no where just in time to prove to the world that it has INDEED been Al-Qaeda that blew up some random truck in a random part of the world. It is this kind of a supernatural force – one that conjures up videos on the nick of time and knows EXACTLY how to manoeuvre the media – that our country needs to steer itself towards sanity.
We are a nation, numb – devoid of any feeling whatsoever towards the agonies constantly being inflicted on our society as Pakistanis and as Muslims. Every time an incident occurs that could be classified as miles apart from humanitarianism, our television channels are bombarded with the most retarded of songs and video clippings to commemorate the loss of whatever it is that has been lost. Television channel logos go black and white to represent the supposed grief our nation feels. Three days later, it is back to the same old half clad girls prancing on television to sell the most unnecessary of products and worthless TV shows that make our lives miserable rather than easy. If we were not so numb, such events would have easily triggered an unstoppable revolution that would have reached far and wide affecting us positively and leading this nation-gone-astray closer to sensibility. I am not saying that we live forever inundated by the tears of grief for the destruction around us, keeping aside everything else. Life has to be taken as it comes, but at the same time what is happening should NEVER stop affecting us. Things need to be done individually and collectively. It is exactly events like these that caused the Third Estate in France to rebel and bring about a revolution, discarding the monarchy, corruption and uneven distribution of wealth that plagued the country. Burning and breaking what belongs to our country and people is not what will lead to the revolution. It is intelligently using our strength as an unstoppable mob to bring down the selfish, power-thirsty individuals that are constantly struggling to force us into a hypnosis of helplessness and poverty of money and free-thinking.
"The people who sat in darkness
have seen a great light,
And upon those who sat in the region
and shadow of death
Light has dawned."
Matthew 4:16
Why do so many of us experience deep dispair in our lives?
Why do we seem to struggle through crisis after crisis
without celebrating the fact that we already made it through crisis after crisis already?
Why do we make wrong choices,
that bring pain and loss into our lives ... over and over?
Why do we struggle and strive just to have as much as ... or more than our neighbor?
Are we choosing to live in darkness,
or receiving the Light?
Life is about choices;
About learning to make the right choices ~
Choices that lead to compassion, satisfaction, fulfillment.
~ B
What makes you really happy?
That's right, stock broker, I figure it is time to roll the dice and go for the win. I want to be able to wake up everyday and go to my job and say that I am excited about what is going to happen today. Please, do not get me wrong, I am not so naieve as to think that everyday is peaches and cream, but just the thought of my current career is unsettling.
I am calling this "MY QUARTER LIFE CRISIS." This is the time that i find out who I am and go get what I want. I recently read, MODITE, just an amazing post referring to the previous Governor of Texas and he said something that I hope i never forget.
"First of all, don’t be afraid to think bold and dream big, Failure is good, as long as you learn from it. As long as you don’t go cry in a corner, he said. As long as you take action from what went wrong."
This is enough to push me over the edge and get me jump started. I realize who I am and know I am capable of great things, but in the current situation I am not bettering myself. It is time to do something unfamiliar, risky, and just flat out scary!
This is such a great idea!! I know I've had a lot of times I have been praying for someone and the updates don't come as often as you would like on the progress of the person you are praying for.
JAN
CaringBridge® (www.caringbridge.org) is a free, nonprofit web service that connects family and friends to share information, love and support during a health crisis, treatment and recovery. It takes just a few moments for you to create your own personal and private CaringBridge website.
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