Lately I've been thinking about my attitude in general, about life, about the things that inevitably challenge us, about the little irrations and how I handle them. I've come to the realization that I'm not a very positive person and I hate that! I tend to react like Charlie Brown-- of course I would get a rock in my trick-or-treat bag when everyone else gets goodies. Of course the invitation would never come to me, when it comes to all my friends! Poor me... I've become so negative! I used to be positive thinking... a long, long time ago. When my life and future stretched before me and I could dream about it all being perfect. But now, I can't really have those dreams anymore. There have been so many challenges along our road.... SO MANY. Lost jobs, unspoken things, downsizing homes, career crises, infertility, business failure, church troubles, friend troubles, family troubles. So many. Many people would have "lost it". Or lost each other. Or lost themselves.
We've held on desperately to each other, when that's all we've had. And yet that has been shaken and tried. My faith has been shaken and tried. My security in everything and anything has been shaken and tried. My heart has been broken by the loss of my only brother who committed suicide back in January. It's been a deeply painful occurance in my life. It sometimes washes over me in waves of sadness... the loss of him.
I feel like I've withdrawn from people and just can't really bridge that gap. Sometimes I want to. Most of the time I don't. I'm a highly sensitive soul. To a fault. My mom tells me not to sweat the small stuff, and yet, none of this seems small. It seems like I'm surrounded by mountains. Yet, when I look up, the view is beautiful. Do you know why? Because my faith, though shaken, has remained intact. And beyond the mountains I see the sunset and I love the view. It's a promise. And I feel HIS prescense in the valley, and even when I don't feel it, I know that HE is there. It's very deep and moving. It's the essential core of my life.
So when I feel that I've lost myself, I know that I haven't. All I have to do is look to the ONE who called me. If you've no clue as to what I'm talking about, watch Charlie Brown Christmas. That's it-- the meaning and the truth in this life.
