I was doing pretty well, but on the way I home I cried like a little baby.
After I clocked out of work, I stayed after a lil to talk to Amanda and Curtis about the shit going down in management. Apparently Ed and Lucy are in trouble for using the company credit card, giving stuff away etc., Eric maybe be going to another store, and we discussed Chris being a chauvenistic pig who likes making women feel like shit and that he cheats on his wife. It felt good to get things off my chest.
As I drove home, I thought about if business was really the direction I wanted my career to go. I love working with children, and they harbor no ill will like that in ass kissing two-faced employees. But at the same time, I want to make money and make something of my life.
I then started to ponder my future love life. I think maybe I could become a teacher and just marry a guy 20 years older who was stable and could support me. I'd have to love him too also, I'm no gold digger. I played around with this thought for awhile.
but then halfway home I remembered someone I had seen earlier in the day. It was a black woman who had apparently been getting chemotherapy treatments. no eyelashes or eyebrows, bald and all. her eyes were big brown and round kind of like my dad's. I wanted to burst into tears at the sight of her. it brought back so many memories of what my daddy looked like when he was sick and getting his chemotherapy. I bit on my lip and held the feelings back then, but now that I was in the car I cried. I cried for a good twenty minutes. But I mean the images and thoughts of what my daddy looked like at the time were horrible. He had beautiful black hair that was gone and replaced by a bald head with a scar the size of a baseball. I remember waking up at Hope Lodge to the sound of him coughing up blood. He went from being an athletic man to this sick man who needed help with many things. I remember when they had to shove a tube into his side without pain killers to let fluid out from his lungs. and I knew I hurt him in that I was more affectionate with doctors than him. I'd hug the docs I knew well but daddy I didnt care quite so much. I didnt see him much before and now that he was around I didnt care. but I thought he'd be there forever because only old people died. because everyone said God told them He was going to heal him.
these thoughts circulated awhile as I cried while driving. I sucked it up, wiped my tears, and acted like nothing happened when I came home.
I hate memories.
sorry for the depressing post. I'll make it private later.
~Angel
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