Crazy @ MindSay

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm hungry, but I can't find the willpower to get up and get something to eat. So then I just don't get hungry anymore. I have an incredible headache right now, in fact I've probably eaten more tylenol in the past 48 hours than food. I haven't left my room more than 4 times in the past 48 hours.  I actually have class tomorrow, which means that I will have to go outside and face the real world. But then I'm done for the week again. Apparently Monday was some sort of holiday and we didn't have classes, while I only have classes on Monday and Wednesday each week, so I had a full week of nothing. And then one day of classes, and then another four days of nothing this week. So basically I'm doing nothing right now. Haven't done anything, haven't eaten, haven't felt the motivation to leave.

Oh also haven't showered in a bout a week. Since I haven't had anywhere to go or people to see I've just been loafing around. I really hate myself for this. On good days I like to wear cologne and feel fresh and clean, but that hasn't happened in about a month. I tend to go through phases of absolute grunge to fresh and clean. I haven't shave for a month now and I've got a gross mustache and neck beard. My hair is getting long too and that's not helping my appearance. I'm pretty sure that someday this week I'll have my cleaning up ceremony where I actually take a shower, clean my face, shave, wear clean clothes, and not look like a tramp.

Maybe this is all because I've been abnormally depressed lately. More so than I've ever been before. I just don't care about things anymore. I know I'm depressed, but I'm just riding it out.

 

 

Do you ever feel like you let memories push themselves back into your head because you WANT to make yourself sad?  Like rubbing salt into wounds?

 

It's taken me this long to realise I've been torturing myself by letting them in - sure it makes me smile to remember the good times but then the fact that I can never have those good times back...or have any new good memories to add to the memory of him hits me like a big orange bus....

 

And why can't I convince myself that anyone could be as crazy and fun as he was??

 

I'm beginning to think I like to cause myself pain....maybe the tears are a good release...

I am apparently nesting.

Except for that bit where the current nest is driving me crazy, and I want to fly off somewhere else and build anew.

I want to paint something blue. A bedroom, I think. Possibly an office, but I doubt it. No! Bathroom! Soft blue bathroom! Yes!!

I've been mildly internally obsessed with the notion of having my own cat. I like the idea of having me, and my own space, and sharing it with my cat. I'm big on adopting from shelters, if no one's picked that up. I'm well-aware that I can't have a cat in my dorm at Mountain School, so lately I'm just going a little plant-happy. I need something to care for and occasionally fuss over, and I can't count on my future roommate being willing to fill the position.

For the record, no, I will probably never date someone who dislikes animals. Animals, kids, my sisters - gotta get along with all three. But I'm also a little antsy lately about being caught at all. Having my own space has a strong appeal.

There's actually a kind of pleasure derived from taking care of one's own space - just the basics of keeping it clean and happy. Admittedly, my knowledge of plumbing goes about as far as, "What not to flush," and the basics of unclogging a toilet. Construction is not much better. I can hang pictures, I should probably be supervised for a shelf. I have a list of skills to learn.

Sometime, before I'm married, I want to have a time when I'm totally living alone. With my cat**. I'm okay with the notion of being engaged at this time, I'm okay with the notion of being totally single. But I want to have some time, at least a year, of making a home on my own before I start making a home with someone else.

Besides, I occasionally have goofy tastes, and I don't care to inflict them on anyone who'd be suffering through them.


<sub>*Jeremy is not going to cut it. Jeremy's the cactus I've had since I was fifteen. He'd very likely do just fine if I only watered him once a month - I think he takes moisture out of the air. He needs occasional watering, and about every year and a half, a new pot. This makes me think he's getting too much water. Something this low-maintenance does not calm the sensation of, "MUST CARE MUST CARE!!"

**It is not that I do not care for dogs. I do, very much so. But I tend to prefer medium-to-large dogs (particularly working breeds), and I feel that the sort of apartment I'm thinking of will not be ideal for said pup's needs. I have big issues with people who get animals and think of them as accessories - if you're going to keep something alive, be aware that it will not always be convenient and cute. You are responsible for caring for what you've claimed and tamed.</sub>

I'm slipping away into madness. I can feel it. I always knew this day would come. I knew it way back then and I know it today.

I didn't wake up until 13:30 and basically only ate one meal. I haven't been hungry lately, but that's probably because I don't do anything during the day. The only thing I do manage to do everyday is find a new way to keep myself from killing myself. I drank five beers and passed out around 15:00. That killed a few hours out of my day. I smoked a blunt then watched a spiral thing to see if I could hypnotize myself, that lasted a while. Then I got depressed as usual and thought. I thought about everything that's happened and everything that will happen. I always manage to think about the future in "what ifs." As in, what if this happened and then I fantasize about a possibility for hours, creating an entire delusion about what will happen. I started to think about what is going to happen when I tell my family that I want to get therapy. Of course I played the little scenario in my head and this is how it went:

"So I want therapy". My mom will certainly cry and ask me why. Then I will have to fluff the truth and say I've been under some stress this past year and I just want to get things organized in my life before I graduate from college. It's nothing really, I just want to work some things out. Which she will of course realize this is a bullshit answer and then she'll just cry some more. She'll tell my dad and then he'll either get angry or upset as well. Then they're both going to bible bounce me until I cry and then in a fit or rage try to cut my wrists in the kitchen. Which will of course lead to an ambulance and me being hospitalized. Then of course the rest of the family will find out, meaning my Aunt and her family and my grandfather. So as I'm lying in a hospital bed commiserating on how much I hate myself, my parents will walk in and talk to me. Where I will finally after 21 years spill everything that's been pitted in my stomach. There will be many many tears. They will walk out for a couple of hours and leave me alone. Then I'm sure somewhere along the lines I'll have to be visited by my Aunt and my cousins, then my grandfather and have to endure an earbeating. Probably more jesus jibber-jabber, and then I'll hate myself even more.

I started to think that after this point, the hospital would want me to stay for observations and to allow them time to get me a proper shrink. Which of course means I will miss my first semester of my senior year. So naturally my friends will want to know why I'm not moved into the apartment with my roommates and where I'm at. So then I can either lie or admit that I'm stuck in a hospital because I tried to kill myself. Which I know is going to be such a total shock and awe it's just going to bring me more grief and sadness. Not only will they be upset, or possibly hate me for giving up, but I won't be able to look them in the eye ever again. Then my close friends will probably find out through the grapevine and either hate me or come to visit me and then hate me.

So after everyone has had their chance to see me in utter life failure, I will end up in a mental ward, because I'm fucking crazy. I know I'm mentally disturbed. I've known this for a while. I'm not talking like "I see pink elephants crazy" I'm talking like "wow this kid's got some pretty dark issues." I've got enough things to talk to a shrink about, they could write a doctoral thesis the size of a stephen king novel. From diagnosis to disorder, from each and every traumatizing memory to every dark thought I've ever had. So now that I'm seeing a shrink, my family has either disowned me and taken me out of the will because they now know my secret life, or they are still bible berating me. I then envisioned myself living the rest of my days in a mental ward taking anti-psychotic meds from a dixie cup and wearing a stark white pajamas. I figure this will all happen over a time span of the next three or four years.

Well that depends on whether or not I spill the beans before my senior year of college, or wait until I graduate. I'm pretty sure I can hold things in just a little longer, but you never know what my life will throw at me, because it certainly throws a lot.

So honestly, I don't know anymore.

My life is beyond crazy at the moment.

Between, struggling to keep my grades above a C

and trying to keep myself from falling apart again,

I have no time left for maintaining my sanity.

 

Teachers  -- 

Seems like the more everyone in class is ready to wrap things up and get ready for summer,

the more the teachers want to force us to study and do 6 hours of homework. 

two words:   not kewl. =/

 

At Home --

Parents.

Enough said, right?

Yeah.

I try to do everything right,

say all the right things to them

hoping it'll get them to leave me alone,

even doing chores and any other random shit they want done,

but still, I'm not good enough.

I'm not the daughter they'd been hoping for.

I know that for the 15 years I've been alive,

they've secretly been hoping that I would eventually become this wonderfully amazing child

The one they'd always dreamed of.

Guess I'm just a huge disappointment.

I'll never be good enough for them.

I'm just hoping that one day I can just get over that

and try not to think about how I've disappointed everyone.

 

Friends --

Hmmm.. what is there to say?

well, okay, so recently, I've found out things about a few of my friends that i almost wish i didnt know.

Smoking.

Drinking.

Self-Piercing.

And god only knows what else.

I mean, yeah, it may not seem that bad,

but i just think of how long this could have been going on and kept as a secret from me.

can i trust these people?

I dont know. I guess.

And at the same time, I'm actually closer to my friends than I ever have been before.

 

It's Me Against The World [and the world is winning] --

That basically sums up the last week.

First the shit between me and Becca.

Yeah, I was having a HORRIBLE day.

i took it out on her by saying "fucking fantastic" when she was going on and on about how happy she was.

yeah, i probably shouldnt have,

but havent we ALL done that before??

yeah. we have.

but instead of her just saying "well, somebody is bitchy today. . ."

and being done with it,

she goes on to say that Chris deserves better than me [true, but not her place to say that]

then she says some more shit like that.

the next day ends up being pretty much the same.

then yesterday (Day 3) I end up saying she's fake [it's true]

she gets her [asshole] of a boyfriend involved.

(yeah, dnt lie to me bitch, i know you went whineing to him and made him "fix it")

so i get a message from him saying "becca's fake"

(pssst.. yeah she is) but instead i say " let het bitch fight her own battles, this has nothing to do with you"

it should have ended there.

it didnt

he goes on to say "why cnat you ether dump Chris and get outta our lives or kill your self and get outta our lives either way everyone will be happy"

(basically the convo goes like this, blue is him, the other is me)

 

why cnat you ether dump Chris and get outta our lives or kill your self and get outta our lives either way everyone will be happy

umm.. no, sry, it dnt exactly work like that. :/

darn

why do you grasp to fals hope of ing happy with him?

being*

your just fooling yourself and slowly killing him

. . . well, 1- your wrong, & 2- is this supposed to make me feel terrible or sumthin? not working. maybe if it was coming from anyone else, but coming from u, it means nothing. :/

it doesnt?

how many times have you seen him in person

why do you care? mind your own fucking business

no Chris is like my best friend

and he has turned against me cuz your making his life misreble

i know, how can i be his best friend and trign to break hime and his gf up?

he cant see what best for him

hes only gonna get worse

it wont be the same person ever again if this keeps up

well, sry, but it's not up to you.

i know

its up to you and your killing

him

w/e

not my life or bf

hes gnna be diffrent forever

and cant you understand that you can never be with him?

your so far away and only met him once...

it dosent work

i've tried it before

and i almost ended up killing myself

is that what you want for him or you?

you cant say fer sure that is what would happen. you dont know. mmk. not everyone is like you. :/

its doomed to fail

and Chis is soo much like i se to be its not funny

 

And thats where it ended.

Yeah, what i was saying was pathetic, I know.

But if you've ever been put in a situation where you have someone like this asshole sayin shit,

a crazy fake delusional bitch saying shit,

both of your parents goin at you,

and you're trying to keep yourself from crying,

you'd understand that it's damn near impossible to come up with any convincing things to say.

and thats what sucks.

 

but it's kewl.

I dont need people like that in my life.

 

 

So yeah, I guess thats all I gotz to say =/

 

i  Chris