Court Case @ MindSay 
Chumbawamba - Tubthumper (1997)
Tubthumping
by Chumbawamba
I get knocked down,
but I get up again.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN!!!
That long awaited and slightly feared day finally arrived. Early in the morning, far to early I might add, I was forced to arise and prepare for my day of judgement. But the truth is I was awake long before the alarm clock rang. I had been stirring, meditating, thinking, and running through what would be said, and how I would retort. I thought to myself, as I shaved for the first time in a month and put on a ridiculously fancy suit, that I was prepared for whatever was thrown at me. I told myself this, but the message never reached my stomach. I could not escape a very nervous feeling, but I could not escape my obligation. I had to get in the truck and drive to the provincial criminal court house on arthur street. I was there by nine, a half hour before the time advised by my lawyer.
I sat in the waiting room where they have uncomfortable chairs and pamphlets on law and rights and freedoms etc. I immediatley noticed Jeff and Misty, friends of mine who were arrested with me for the same offence, also sitting in the waiting room. I said hello in a friendly manner but my greeting fell silently to the ground. Jeff was sitting tightly with his mother, with his head down shamefully like a dog who knew it had done something wrong. I found it very pitiful and I couldn't force a laugh. Instinctively I grabbed a pamphlet and burried my face in it. It was on family law and was niether interesting n'or helpful. But what I soon overheard was damning, but also damn good information to hear before trial. You see, crown council was meeting with Misty and Jeff. Immediately I became worried. This was strange. Crown council is the lawyer employeed to testify against me. Why would Misty and Jeff be talking to him? I had had a bad feeling since seeing them there. I knew there trial was not at the same time as mine. Something was wrong.
The two love-idiots whispered poorly in the corner with the old man. I overheard things like "he was drunk, he was on heavy drugs, he went insane, he said he was going to hunt people etc." It was becoming clear to me and I was dissapointed and worried. Until this point I had marched into the court house dressed to kill and energetic to testify and rock the house. I was going to beat the charge and all the cops who would be there to try and fight me down. They wern't going to win though. Hell no. I had the best lawyer I could imagine, and I was as mentally prepared and keen as ever. But now I heard what I had thought impossible. It was what I had told my lawyer would never happen. Mr. Joseph, defence council, walked in shortly after. Jeff and Misty and the crown crack were in another room. I waved the good man over.
"Good morning," I said.
"Hey, how's it going?" He replied smiling.
"Well, I was doing great up until a minute ago."
"Then what happened?"
"Jeff and Misty are jumping ship. They're blaming me."
"I know. You're going to have to take the stand."
"How bad is this?" I asked nervously.
"Well it isn't good. But we'll see." He didn't sound at all worried.
"I wish I was as confident as you."
He chuckled a little bit and then guided me into an interview room down the hall from the waiting room and across the hall from the court room. To make matters worse Mr. Joseph reappeared after getting a brief from somewhere and had more damning evidence.
"One of the officers has this quote from you in his notes: 'We knew it was stupid, but we did it anyway.' Did you say that?"
I couldn't remember at first. But then I remembered I had muttered that hours after my arrest when I was in my cell. The staff seargent had come to visit me and bring me a peace offering of juice and nutri-grain. I grew up with his son and I knew him well. I had told him how it seemed like an innocent prank at the time. And I knew I could trust him. But another bastard-cop must have overheard this admission and had recorded it in his notes. Now me and my lawyer had this evidence to deal with in addition to the damning testimony by my "friends." Mr. Joseph listened to me explain the quote, told me to wait until my name was called and then walk into court. A few minutes later: "David Williams to Court Room One please."
And the circus began then. I walked into the room, and noticed it was very wooden. There was wood everywhere; wood tables, chairs, benches, podiums, walls and plaques. All the wood-things shone from the glowing light. Essentially there were two tables facing each other with a gap between them. At one end of the gap was another table where two clerk ladies sat recording things and swearing people in. Behind them was an elderly gentleman, the justice, on a large riser and wearing a large dress - I mean robe. Completing the screwed up square, and at the other end of the gap, was the podium where witnesses were to testify and face the judge and clerk ladies. The trial began with the prosecutions opening statement and then we began through a list of the prosecution's witnesses. It began with Misty. And then Jeff. Each one of them called in seperately.
Thank God the Crown Council was an old guy who didn't seem to give enough of a damn to put any effort into his case. For a while I thought he was hungover, and he may well have been. Frequently he would ask questions of the witnesses like this: "So when Dave was shooting his gun... When Dave was walking with his gun... It was Dave's gun wasn't it?" What the council did not want to recognize was that early that morning Jeff was convicted with a weapon charge for the very same gun and it happened before the justice presiding over my case. Again and again my lawyer would stand up, even laugh at the council's foolishness, and say "objection: speculation, it has alread been determined that Jeff owned the pellet gun." And of course the justice would agree and scold the losing lawyer. At one point my laywer asked that the justice instruct the crown council to behave better and said that he should know better. The man in the robe agreed. Despite damning testimony from Jeff and Misty, who had their stories crossed and inconsistent, things were not looking so bleak. It was in my favour when you consider that Jeff, a completely burnt out hippie who talks like heroine addict and showed up to court in a torn sweater and beat up jeans, was the person trying to convince the court that I was the one who was a drug addict. And it was he, who that morning already had been convicted with the charge of possesion of the weapon in question. The matter at hand now was who shot the gun. I had been charged with possesion of a weapon dangerous to the public peace. Clearly I was exhonerated from that charge because Misty was also as a result of Jeff's conviction. But in Jeff's trial he had argued that I was the one doing all the shooting, and so that was what had to be debated in my trial. That's when the crown brought in two of the officers involved in the arrest to testify. The first one was a nervous door knob, the really loose and fidgeting kind that hangs off a door and only works sometimes if you give it a quick twist. I liked him.
And so again council went to work trying to bring out information against me and that is when the evidence of my alleged admission surfaced from the officers note books. But Mr. Joseph was determined to prove that it wasn't admisable in the hearing. The court entered into voire dire (court within a court) to determine if my statement should be read. Mr. Joseph asked questions to the officer and set him up so he talked himself into a corner. It was very funny to sit there and watch all this happen. When people take the stand they tend to lose their common sense and reason. I could see it with all the witnesses. Mr. Joseph would completely screw them over and make everything they had previously said to the crown look unreliable. Misty ended up admitting: "I was the one being difficult. I just said whatever to the police to be difficult." Nothing she said held any weight. Jeff ended up saying: "I didn't take good care of the gun. I wish I had." No one believed a word he said, n'or could they understand a word of his bullshit. And the officer ended up admitting that he didn't record the statement properly, he couldn't recall when I said it or who I said it to.
"Couldn't it be said then constable, that if you don't know when or who it was said to that you cannot be certain that it was even said at all?"
With a humble nod the officer replied, "yes, that would be true."
And that ended the voire dire. Mr. Joseph was going to finish his cross examination but I tapped him on the leg and he brought his ear towards me. "If there is still doubt about whether I was the one drunk or on drugs, ask this officer." My lawyer did at once, and the cop replied that I was the most polite and co-operative of the three and that he did not think I had been drinking or doing drugs.
All of damning trouble was disposed of. The testimonies were bunk, and the admission was never read. All that was left was for me to take the stand. And that was where my fun began. I had listened for over an hour to people saying crap about me, and so I was eager for my turn to speak. I wasn't nervous, I was excited, and I took the stand, read my name for the record and was sworn in. I turned to the crown council and stared him straight in the eye. He stumbled a bit as he spoke.
"You say young man that you were sick that day. That is why you were in bed. Yet you also say you were not so sick that you were able to cook yourself breakfast."
I let there be silence for a moment so the entire weight of his stupid conclusion could settle in on everyone. Then quietly I said to him, "sick people still eat sir." And the clerk ladies and judge laughed out loud.
The crown council was a bit offended, and a bit rattled by this. I knew he was trying to lead me into saying that yes, I was awake and up on that day and therefor could have shot the gun. But I had stopped him in his tracks, and so he decided to try another angle. "You say you heard gun shots from the room above you, where Jeff and Misty live. Were you not alarmed by this? Why didn't you go investigate?"
Again in a sympathetic tone I reminded him of his nievity, "It was an air rifle sir. They go 'pop' and that is it. It is loud enough to just barely hear, you make it sound like a high power rifle went off. And why didn't I investigate? Because Jeff and Misty were an eccentric and romantic couple. Things went on upstairs that I never wanted to investigate."
The court room laughed some more. Everybody except for the crown that is. He had clearly lost his case. He asked another question that ended his questions for good. He tried the old trick he had been trying for an hour now. "When you were holding your gun at the window...." I cut him off immediately, so did my lawyer, we both jumped up and yelled.
"Objection!" In unison, and then we looked at each other for a moment with confused eyes. "That is a leading question!" We spoke together again. And for good measure I added, "how many times do we have to tell you council, the gun belonged to Jeff, he admitted that when you called him to the stand."
The beaten old man sat slowly down in his chair and said, "no further questions your honour." I stared him all the way down into his seat, and he could feel it but wouldn't look up at me. I took my seat, and awaited my fate with good promise. It was time for closing arguements, but the judge spoke first.
"Defense needn't bother with a closing"
"Not guilty," Mr. Joseph whispered in my ear.
"The testimony is unreliable in the case of Jeff and Misty, and the records of the officers are inaccurate as far as I can see, I find you not guilty."
Mr. Joseph shook my hand and said congradulations. I congradulated him instead, and thanked him very much. I marched out of the court house the way I had marched in. Suit neatly pressed and looking sharp, dark sunglasses on, and hair flying everywhere. I passed Jeff's Mom and she looked shameful and depressed. I also passed one of the cops who had arrested me but couldn't be located for testimony. She was rushing into the court room. If she had a chance to speak, my admission would have been admitted, because her notes were complete and she wrote the crown brief. I smiled and waved at her, and we both knew it was too late.
As I stepped out on to the street I threw my hands in the air and said, "Not guilty, hahahaha, take that!"
