Coping @ MindSay

In an effort to help myself deal with my wife leaving me, I started a journal of sorts to help me express what I was feeling.  It didn't amount to much, and didn't last for long, but I got a few entries in.  I re-read a lot of it yesterday, and I was surprised to find that I could read it without much difficulty.  The next step, for whatever reason, is posting some of it here.  If people feel like commenting on it, that's cool, but really, I'm just getting it up here for me.  There will be some omissions, but for the most part, it will be typed up word for word. 

 

One other thing before I type the first entry.  I realized this morning that I don't think there's any part of me anymore that's wishing for her to come back.  I've reached the point where I know that this is how it's going to be, and if that's the case, I just have to keep moving forward.  I deserve better than this.

 

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

 

It was suggested to me today that I should start a journal of sorts to help me deal with the situation that K and I are going through.  After tapping out part of an email to my mom, I realized it felt good to get some of my feelings in writing.  So, here we are.  Where do I begin?  Start Thursday night, or from now, today?  I guess it will go where it goes and will cover whatever I need to get out.  Maybe it won't be in order, maybe it won't all be coherent or make a lot of sense.  That's ok, it doesn't need to be in order to serve the intended purpose.  Why I'm writing this intro at all - I don't know.  I guess I'm feeling alright at the moment, but I know that when I dive into all this again, the pain will surface.

 

There are two main times when it's the hardest right now.  One is thinking of all the things we used to do together and the things I want to do in the future with her by my side.  I can't bring myself to the realization that we may never do anything together ever again.  Of course, that is just one of many things I simply cannot fathom.

 

The other hard time is going to bed.  I've been letting myself fall asleep in the basement watching TV so that when I finally go upstairs, I can just crash into bed.  If I try to go to bed like normal, it hurts too much without her on the other side of the bed.

 

The last two mornings have been much more difficult than I expected, just because she's not there getting ready next to me.  By the time I get to work, I'm so overwhelmed by a sense of despair that I don't know how to start the day.  I make it, and I get going, but it takes awhile.

 

My God, the ups and downs are killer.  I'll be thinking, "she's gonna come home, she's got to come home."  Before long, I swing and it's the complete opposite.  Suddenly I'm thinking, "that's it, it's over, she's never coming home."  I don't know how to deal with the latter.  It still feels like a bad dream.  This isn't supposed to be us.  We're supposed to be a great, happy couple, we're supposed to be together forever.

 

Music... damn music.  Seems like I can't listen to anything without some kind of pain.  Linkin Park is stuck in my car's player, and I love the CD, but I can't believe how many lines feel like they fit my life right now.  For instance:

 

I don't know what to think,

Thought I was focused

But I'm scared

I'm not prepared

I hyperventilate

Looking for help somehow, somewhere

And no one cares

I'm my own worst enemy

 

So tonight I bought a new Lifehouse CD.  Thought new music would be good.  No memories.  Good idea, wrong CD choice.  The whole album is my life right now.  One song is called "Whatever It Takes."  I wish I could get K to listen to it - it's so me:

 

I'll do whatever it takes

to turn this around

I know what's at stake

I know that I've let you down

And if you give me a chance

Believe that I can change

I'll keep us together, whatever it takes

 

No lyrics could fit me better right now.  Coincidence that I found them today?

 

I did come to a realization today.  It's not the outcome I want, but if she decides she no longer loves me, perhaps I can take some solace in the idea that if she could just quit our marriage this way, maybe she isn't the person I thought she was.  Only a thought, mind you.  The fact of the matter is that I love her with every bit of myself and still want to share my whole life with her.  I guess I'm just trying to prepare myself for the worst. 

 

Ok, I could continue writing, probably fill this whole book, but the parents called and now laundry is waiting to be folded before bed.  Maybe more tomorrow.  I wish I was saying goodnight to her.  There's so much I miss.

After a conversation with the person at WSIB (In Canada the "Workers Safety and Insurance Board") who adjudicates my case, If I were to move on to another opportunity with a different company my medical and treatment benefits would still exist if needed. WSIB simply wouldn't cover lost time should it occur because of my thumb.
That's reasonable enough. At least once I get a chance to heal this, through what-ever option chosen, I am free to move on if I uncover the right opportunity and think I'll be safer and happier. Not that I'm certain I will but it's open to me if needed or desired. This is the out I felt I needed if I become concerned about re-injuring the thumb,  it's also what helps me  lean more toward surgery  to  repair the damage. I do wonder though if simply leaving it be would allow it to heal on its' own... That is my favourite option really, so long as it won't take  more than 4 or 5 months. Surgery would take at least two months. I'd like to be able to ride my bike this summer, and spring is only 2 weeks away!!!!!
Time and patience; the answers will unfold! In the meantime it's another aspect of human experience I am allowed the opportunity to learn about first hand ( he! he!) Pun intended! ;)

Each year, there are more than 58,000 non-family abductions and more than 1 million children are reported missing. This is a staggering number, but it doesn't include the other young victims-the sisters and brothers of those who have been abducted. These overlooked children suffer the loss of their sibling. Their lives are turned asunder, and family patterns are irrevocably changed.

 

This publication is the effort of those who have lived the nightmare of losing a sister or brother. Eight siblings joined with the Office of Justice Programs to write this guide. During its creation, these siblings spoke eloquently and from their hearts about the need for a resource for left-behind children whose needs are often overlooked. At the time of the abduction, these siblings said they felt isolated and overwhelmed by their emotions. They rarely found the support they needed to deal with the gaping loss they faced.

 

DOWNLOAD THE GUIDE

http://ojjdp.ncjrs.gov/publications/what_about_me.html

Well here I am, in No Man's Land
Trying to set down the tracks,
Seeing the horizon line in the distance....
I keep walking my talk,
Making a ladder out of my dreams....
Then stumbling into pits
I didn't even know were there until
I fall ass over teacup....
Alice down the rabbit hole.
Then I look up,
To see so many helping hands,
And I dust myself off and keep
Reaching for that next rung...

 hello people, young/old/males and Females. out of my window,m half of this room- there's a japanese orange tree- his age is 5 . there are about 5 trees like this tree. on both sides of the paved walk - there is a garden full of colorfull flowers in bloom this season(end of an Israeli spring). colors of violets,blues,whites and red roses too. inside his complex- our deparment got a spicies garden, the smell of it makes me open my breast for refreshing breath.
    Yes. I live in a half room(with a room mate), in a dissability department of a luxury Elder's Home, adjacent  a Canion(hebrew for MALL), over 5 and a half years. I like the surroundings, the amosphere, the team of "caretakers" around me and others in the depatment. I'm the only "resident" with a computer here- and in spite the impossibility of a balanced walking-I walk over 5 years wih a total-dislocation-of-total-hip-proteza. got also a head-injury,a multy trauma,a plastic surgury-made bottom that I'm sitting on,a broken spine(lower ansd upper), a heart-lungs condition and 2 plates "for strength of the broken" left arm. Yes, all these wounds and scars- are results of a road-accident I had in Spring 1994. In which my own dad had died.  I'm awaiting here - to the "major operation" that will exchange my broken proteza  and will make me walk "without canes and no pains".

 

            It is a dream I had, when sleeping in the hospital after the accident, and I remember the dream and I want it to become my reality. but it is not yet done...

 

  I have a "new tennant" disabled partner in my room, now in the salon. he can't stand up, can't answer any Q. you put to him or ask - and he's faking the dumbie mostly, and talks unstopably all day in and all night. and a faul mouth he got! A bad hearted invalid, with a sick mind. I nick him Johanan-off(Joha= is a fabled Yemenish jester,and of= mean a chicken).

 

I love my 2 sons, marid already. and most of all - I'm the happies grandad to a beautifullgrandaughter of natural blond hair anddeep -blue eyes. some dame. and she's only 2 and 4 months old...

 

will continue maybe omorrow.

p.s.-

Brazil v. Kroatia- in the Mondial, last night from 22.00 was a nice football game. 1:0 the Brazilians won. I like the Mondial.